so much for nothing, but nothing means so much

I think from now on I'm just going to keep myself really busy and occupied so that I don't have time to think. Because it seems every moment I have to myself to let my mind dwell and wander, my heart gets really heavy. And there are just so many things I can't really explain without sounding stupid or nonsensical because there really is no reason to be feeling like this so I think I'll just drown myself in everything else and when this moody phase subsides, everything will be fine again. And I'll learn to detach and attach myself in the right ways and find the emotional equilibrium. Because these days, I tumble from happy, sad, angry, irritated, apathetic within a span of a few hours and it is really, really tiring. Especially when I've got no one and nothing to blame.

posted by SHUMIN on 1:06 PM (0) comments

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Thursday, March 27, 2008

HI FRIENDS, I HAVE BOOKED MY TICKET TO SINGAPORE SO YOU WILL SEE ME IN JULY FOR TWO AND A HALF WEEKS :) :)

yay! misses and kisses all round xx

posted by SHUMIN on 11:27 PM (0) comments

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Monday, March 24, 2008

And through timeless words and priceless pictures
We'll fly like birds not of this earth
And tides they turn and hearts disfigure
But that's no concern when we're wounded together
And we tore our dresses and stained our shirts
But its nice today, oh the wait was so worth it

I can't upload my Jason Mraz photos on either facebook or blogger so a stolen random youtube video of my favourite Jason Mraz song will suffice to produce a sliver of the emotional high that night. The Tivoli reminds me of the small cosy bar/club in the OC where Alex used to work with the dim and neon lights flashing and tiny stage pulsating with good music. If only it was like that: The Killers, Rooney, Deathcab!

Maybe it's because I'm bored and homesick, but everytime I see an aeroplane soaring overhead, I can feel my insides twitching with bittersweet longing as the blue and red lights blink goodbye. I like the idea of hopping on a capsulated plane and waking up hours later to a place called home. Or maybe I simply like the idea of good change, even if it means reverting back to the old. I don't know if it is cos I'm aging and slipping into jaded cynicism, or on the contrary, that I'm actually suffering from some kind of twitchy fickle-minded youth disease, but I am bored and restless and would love to see my life blossom into a riot of colourful change, both familiar, quixotic and sweet. Ha ha, I remember reading my bible last night and it telling me to rest and be quiet which is probably what I need to do because I know for sure that my spirit anything but.

Tomorrow we're going to the coast! Yay. Squashed in a little hotel room, shopping and the beach. I just hope once the mid-week passes, I'll have enough time to finish my stupid assignment and meet people.

posted by SHUMIN on 1:17 PM (0) comments

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Monday, March 17, 2008

Long overdue pictures! I'm starting to find putting pictures up on blogger a real pain; meticulous adjustment, captions and dealing with the indecipherable html codes! But then I admit I like reading blogs full of happy snaps so hence the obligatory ill-taken pictures, which to be honest, doesn't describe the past few weeks at all. I realised I do not have a knack for capturing the moment like Mich or Poanie always do!

Brisbane was cold and grey today, the rain foiling whatever half-hearted plans I'd made. So instead of trooping out to meet Meishan or browsing in the city or going for a run, I stayed home all day soaking in the dreariness in bed, in food or in Friends. And other banal activities included taking fb voyeurism to a whole new level, idly flipping through magazines and writing out an affordable shopping list. And ooooooh, Sean and I are going to see Jason Mraz on Thursday!

In a fit of restlessness, I'm so tempted to click my way into buying a ticket home but that's pure irrational impulsive folly so I'll save that clicking for when I've rationally discussed it with the parental unit. Okay sleep beckons!

posted by SHUMIN on 9:24 PM (0) comments

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Sunday, March 16, 2008

Succulent medium rare steaks with mash, a teetering tower of an assortment of hot and cold seafoods, a creamy delicate mushroom and spinach soup, steaming plate of macaroni beef ragu, a chocolate deluxe sundae (vanilla, chocolate, macademia nuts with whipped cream and chocolate sauce), a variety of singaporean mixed fare complete with the requisite sambal sauce, and grapes, grapes and more grapes pretty much sums up my entire weekend. Thanks to Christine's parents who came down for the week and very generously treated us to such a delectable spread of treats!

Third year seems to be an explosion of Singapore; with the influx of Singaporeans like Raj, Christine, Bob, Wallace and even more people like Aneeta and Sashi whom I met today! And Aneeta went to MGS primary and AC too so it was like a mini trip down memory lane and a bit like coming home. I don't know why I'm whining about this so much this year but I really really reallyyyy miss Singapore this year.

And I don't know why but this week has been stamped with puerile behaviour. I've been petulant and churlish and unpleasant! We had our first YF St Lucia bible study the other night and the whole thing about denying ourselves and picking up our crosses daily made me acknowledge that as we grow, we need to know that it is a daily act of repentence and coming back to His grace because until the day we are reunited with Him, we will struggle with our sinful nature BUT take heart, because Jesus has overcome the world.

Then this morning, the first song we played was The Steadfast Love of the Lord Never Ceases and it encouraged me greatly: that His mercies are new every morning because of His unfailing compassion and great faithfulness :) I think I'd been beating myself up over my crap behaviour this week and while He shed light on the struggle and need to come back to His grace everyday, He also encouraged me that He is compassionate and loving and His mercies are new everyday! I can come to Him every morning in repentence and all will be forgiven.

I think at times I allow the whole myriad of busyness and discontent to take over and as guilt ebbs in, I start beating myself up over it and putting distance between me and God. But how great is He that He loves us so and has given us new mercies each morning to live in His grace :)

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;

his mercies never come to an end;

they are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

Lamentations 3:22;23

posted by SHUMIN on 11:02 PM (0) comments

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Wednesday, March 12, 2008

CATHARSIS 57

1. I don't really know you, but you really annoy me for a lot of unjustified reasons.

2. It makes me look like the bad person.

3. Sometimes I say really mean things because I want you to hurt like I'm hurting.

4. I think you're really cute!

5. Is it humanly possible to be that nice, that sweet and that perfect?

6. I wish I could carefully construct my life with the people I like, things I love, the melodrama or peace that I wish for; all with the endings I want.

7. Teach me to be more like You.

8. I wonder if you know how I feel.

9. I wish you'll revert to who you were three years ago. Actually, take some bits of who you are now, but chop off the rest.

10. I wish we were closer.

11. I don't know if it is me wanting the best for you, or wanting the best for me; I struggle with both.

12. I bought a present today.

13. I'm starting to realise that I'm a bitter, jealous, possessive person.

14. I tried to discover a little something to make me sweeter.

15. I don't know why it has to feel like a competition.

16. I really feel like snapping at you sometimes, but then I don't want to get worked up over no big deal.

17. I wish I was as strong as I think I appear to be.

18. I want to live a semi-charmed life.

19. I want you to listen to me.

20. I like listening to you. And you. And you.

21. It never seems to even out. But I guess it's not meant to.

22. I've always wanted to be good at drawing and music.

23. I'm at a stage where I think if I lose it, I'll gain my confidence back.

24. Why can't we all think the same way for the big things and differently for the small things?

25. I wish both of you would just stop rubbing it in my face but I know it's not your fault.

26. I am going to try and stick to my "When I am _______, I will not ________" list because I know firsthand how irritating it can be.

27. I love all of you. When you told me I was exclusively yours, I wanted to laugh, but I'm so glad I have all of you to buffer the aches of life and be my loving support.

28. I wish we could all be friends at a deeper level instead of drifting around like transcient superficial molecules.

29. Everytime I think badly of someone, I wonder if it's possible for the same to be said about me.

30. Why are you like that?

31. Why am I like that?

32. I like to think that I bring out the best in you but increasingly, I think you're bringing out the worst in me.

33. I arrange my room and choose my clothes so I can feel better inside. It lasts for like... a few hours.

34. I've always wanted to live in a tv-show. But tv-shows are soooo stupid sometimes.

35. You seem really faraway. I wonder if it'll ever be the same.

36. I can't remember what it's like to do really well.

37. I can't remember the last time everything went deliciously smooth.

38. Reading about you annoys me.

39. When you start talking about that, I feel like telling you the truth and asking you to shut up.

40. Sometimes I get really tired and wish I didn't have to be cheerfully independant and that someone would take care of me.

41. I miss shouting out school cheers.

42. I miss winning!

43. I want to find my puzzle piece.

44. I am so proud sometimes that I don't like showing that I need you.

45. I am a fibrous cell of desire, whims and wistful dreams.

46. I wish you'd be nicer to me.

47. Why do some people always get teased and some don't?

48. I'm half aware that I am spilling out three quarters of my nastiness and insecurities for the world to see.

49. BUT I DON'T CARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

50. I wish you'd act your age. But I still love you.

51. Do you take me for granted?

52. I always think what would life be like if I hadn't met you. Or you. Or you.

53. I'd like you to never ever forget and let it be burned in the fibers of your memory.

54. Sometimes I think what's the point in fighting.

55. I struggle with myself everyday.

56. How can some people be so deluded??

57. I wonder how do people view things. It's scary when things are misconstrued.

posted by SHUMIN on 6:29 PM (0) comments

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Sunday, March 09, 2008

Sick sick sick. Down with the flu or throat infection or whatever it is, it feels like I've swallowed a sock; cotton mouth, sore throat and a clogged nose. I've spent the better part of today either sleeping or reading, only getting out of bed to put food in my mouth.

I'm almost finished with The Other Boleyn Girl. It has the epic melodrama I expected; hate, love, rivalry, deceit, and every other equally compelling, sordid quality that we ensconce in our hearts. I don't know about historical accuracy as I am terribly ignorant of these things, but any novel that keeps me enraptured and awake in my woolly deficiency has to be decent. What I liked best about it was the embroiling love/hate relationship between the sisters; hating and resenting with so much conviction but keeling over at the next step out of love, obligation and kinship. I can't but think it uncannily accurate although this was set in far, far, far more extreme circumstances.

There were all these funny things that kept popping to mind though, during the novel. Like how do they keep themselves so alluring and perfumed when they only wash once every few days?! And what do they use to wash their hair. How does a girl manage to get through life unscathed when married at a very pubescent age of 12? Is it possible for noble families to be so schemingly treacherous? How is it a kingdom guided by cardinals and popes could live lives entrenched in such lustful deceit and loosely use the will of God for their own selfish interests?

And the whole time I was reading it, I was recalling the first Trusts lecture we had about how equity came about in the medieval courts. That going by the king's judgment wasn't a floating subjective instinct or notion but was guided by the idea that the king was put in charge of the land by God and he was accountable to God as to how he managed the land and his people. And that makes me sort of wonder how kings and nobles and courtiers were really like in medieval history, stripping away the romanticised glitter and sparkle of gallantry and chastity. Were they godly men living in His grace or... not?

But then again, I really don't know a thing about medieval history so everything that pops into my head is a mere whim and speculation. I can't wait for the movie to be out!

annonymous: Thank you very much :)
lynn: Yes I remember you! How are you?

posted by SHUMIN on 7:35 PM (1) comments

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Wednesday, March 05, 2008

I have come up with a new plan which includes running shoes, a sparkly rope and lots of fruit and bread and NO SECONDS. Which had better work because this last week and a half has churned out generous numbers thanks to the sudden influx of food in the house (the owners of the car have returned! Which means grocery shopping, grocery shopping and more grocery shopping). And I still had the audacity to buy this canary-yellow dress which I practically squeezed myself into with lots of breath-holding and Ruth's help.

I've been hitting the shops in a very unhealthy fashion lately. First one being the unintentional sidetrack from grocery and homeware shopping, then catching up with Jasmine on Saturday, and the third one, today, because we felt like buying something. What kind of trumped up excuse is that anyway? I am disgusted with myself despite the odd frisson of pleasure you get whenever you buy something soft, shiny and new! Thankfully, everything has only been 10 to 15 dollars a pop so it doesn't really feel like liberal wasteful frittering... ok who am I kidding. A penny unspent is a penny saved!

Yup, I will hole myself up and home and limit my interactions with the outside world to my new plan, uni, church and people's houses. And I feel like saving up for a ticket back because this year, and I don't know why, I miss Singapore a lot a lot a lot a lot alottttt; claustrophic streets, rude drivers and all. Funny that homesickness kicks in on my third year.

posted by SHUMIN on 10:02 PM (0) comments

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Tuesday, March 04, 2008

I was reading 1 Samuel chapters 1 and 2 both last night and today, and I really like how it is written in verse 10 "In bitterness of soul Hannah wept much and prayed to the Lord" because her womb was closed and her rival was provoking her with her many sons. The bitterness of soul part was ringing out to me because sometimes I can't help feeling like Hannah: losing out, lacking, resentful and bitter.

I dislike the word bitter. It reminds me of maggots and rotten meat; foul, distasteful, and parasitical. I try to avoid using that word to describe myself because I like to think even when I'm sad, it's a soft shade of blue: internalised and soulful, not bred by hungry green-eyed monsters. But avoidance is perhaps nothing but a mere demonstration of escapism from the truth; that sometimes, I am simply, aptly, bitter. So when I was reading 1 Samuel, it was a mini-revelation of truth: oh God, THIS FEELING IS BITTERNESS!

This little cloud of bitterness, the odd speck of anger, the temporary lashes which lie on the tip of my tongue and jolt my heart; He is helping me deal with them every single day. I don't know if it's just pms but lately, it's been coming in waves: irritation, jealousy, resentment... even at the moment where I have this burning desire to spit out every single wrong a person has done to me and hold them accountable for abandoning me. Ha ha perilous pms pangs and unreasonable go hand in hand together.

But it was (AND IS!) so comforting knowing that in her bitterness, "Hannah wept much and prayed to the Lord". That even when we're a less than forgiving shade of blue, we can come to the Father's open arms, weeping and praying, and He listens and answers and lifts our spirit. I think so many times I forget that He listens to my pain and sorrow. Is He not the Lord of all comfort? Is He not the Lord of love? Is He not the Lord who holds the world in His palm? "My heart rejoices in the Lord, in the Lord my horn is lifted high. My mouth boasts over my enemies for I delight in your deliverance." 1 Samuel 2:2 - as Hannah prays to the Lord.

Yup :)

And ohhhhhhhh, completely random but last week was YF St Lucia's Games Night social and it was a barrel of laughs and gabillions of fun with Articulate.

(category was places)
DK: OK! Place sounds like Hungry. There is only one.
Hilda: errr... Hungary?
DK: YES!

And there was poker nights at Chris with the old and new crew:

Ruth: Oh so how old are you?
Daryl: I'm born in '87 so I'm .... err..... err...
Me: 21?
Daryl: YES!
Sean: heehee giggle giggle

posted by SHUMIN on 10:52 PM (0) comments

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Thursday, February 28, 2008

I'm doing this thing where I sit and imagine clicking on my grades four months later and see four beaming sixes, whereby I'll shriek in response and call my mother immediately to have her say she is so proud of me. I think it's called visualisation. Actually, I do that every semester but it's never happened. But I'm not about to let that deter me because maturity has to slap me in the face sometime soon, so that glorious moment will have to come someday, right? Right.

Speaking of maturity slapping me in the face, the ways of a godly woman as taught in the Bible have been haunting me of late.

"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight."
1 Peter 3:3-4

What does it mean to have a gentle and quiet spirit?? And the more I look at myself of late, I couldn't be further from possessing a gentle and quiet spirit. My feathers are so easily ruffled, I'm disposed to bouts of jealousy, I am too concerned with outward appearances... and that's merely skimming the top of an entire boiling pot of faults and shortcomings! I can't help envisioning a glowingly serene madonna radiating bursts of white light and gossamer, ethereal and untouchable. And it's discouraging, stabs of woe in my delicate bubble of an ego.

The image drawn is quite laughable, because it is this very image that shows me how little and immature I am, struggling to find slivers of satisfaction in myself by standards of the world. And perhaps, even worse, plucking out bits of what the Bible says and distorting it to the narrow worldview. Because when I first read those words, I thought, Oh God, I am neither quiet nor gentle! I talk and laugh too loud and crack stupid jokes and make stupid faces and punch people in the arm!

It's really humbling knowing that I am far from the woman God has prepared me to be (and that I do not know what it means exactly to possess a gentle and quiet spirit!), but so reassuring to know that He is grooming and growing me each day to be that very woman (and will teach me in time what that means!). So in the meantime, I would really like to know what it means to possess a gentle and quiet spirit because I can't help but feel that me being easily swayed by her emotions, is like a tornado on the inside.

On a complete off-tangent, I really miss playing squash and being part of a team. I think the entire 'visualisation' exercise sparked it off.

posted by SHUMIN on 10:49 PM (1) comments

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Tuesday, February 26, 2008

The cold and rain are back. I knew it when I couldn't get out of bed this morning, missing the first morning lecture of the semester. It goes right up there with one of the best things I love: snuggling in bed when it's cold and grey outside, the rain drumming you into sweet toasty slumber. The things I don't love about the rain and cold are aching joints and muddy feet, of which, today, I experienced both. Somehow watching the rain from inside is ten times more beautiful than watching it while you're outside. It's hard to see with raindrops in your eyes and umbrellas in your face, the muddy grass stains on the back of your legs clouding your mind's eye.

We watched Juno yesterday. I love the soundtrack, I've had the songs on repeat all night. I like movies which look like a picture book of songs, coloured with old refrigerators and worn off beat band posters. This, is definitely my favourite part of the movie. The scene where Juno confesses her love and the scene where Bleek goes to look for her in the hospital probably comes a very very close second. There's something I prefer about awkwardly sweet and comfortable love over the whirlwind romantic dream. The next time I fall in love, I want it to be like mixtapes, ham&cheese toasties and heads on bellies.

You’re a part time lover and a full time friend
The monkey on your back is the latest trend
I don’t see what anyone can see,
In anyone else but you

Here is the church and here is the steeple
We sure are cute for two ugly people
I don’t see what anyone can see,
In anyone else but you

We both have shiny happy fits of rage
I want more fans, you want more stage
I don’t see what anyone can see,
In anyone else but you

You are always trying to keep it real
I’m in love with how you feel
I don’t see what anyone can see,
In anyone else but you

I kiss you on the brain in the shadow of a train
I kiss you all starry eyed, my body’s swinging from side to side
I don’t see what anyone can see,
In anyone else but you

The pebbles forgive me, the trees forgive me
So why can’t, you forgive me?
I don’t see what anyone can see,
In anyone else but you

Du du du du du du du du
Du du du du du du du du

I don’t see what anyone can see,
In anyone else but you

posted by SHUMIN on 11:46 PM (0) comments

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Saturday, February 23, 2008

It was absolutely scorching and burrrrrning today. 36 degrees out without a cloud in the sky and I spent most of it scuttling from one place to another (most places included direct sunlight and no a/c) and stupidly forgot my sunnies. I carried a bottle of iced water with me all day for hydration purposes and in two hours, my water was... warm. I took the CityCat to New Farm Park today and it reminded me all over again why I loathe taking the CityCat: the severe lack of ventilation and the slow heavy chug of the bobbing boat which weighs your chest down in a stifling prickle. On my way back I gave up and got off at the city so I could take a nice, air-conditioned ride back home.

Despite the weather, the barbeque at New Farm Park was fun. It was nice seeing the old church people again over a sausage sizzle; warm, welcoming and nostalgic. And it gave me a good excuse to take pictures which included colour, like the green grass and blue sky, so I can start collecting happy snappy pictures :)

Anyway, that's me all covered in filmy moisture and hair hanging in awful sweaty clumps. David looks okay though, acting all cool with his reflective sunnies and little smirk.

That's Raj and Daryl aka Bob all matchymatchy in stripey shirts. Singapore represent!

That's the green grass and blue sky I was talking about. And I wasn't exaggerating about the cloudless sky. There really isn't a single cotton candy puff drifting around.

Stewwwpid faces. I was very amused because while taking this picture I had Michelle's warm, rotting bunch of bananas in a plastic bag on my lap. She reckons they were beginning to overripe and rot because of the heat.

We had our firrrrrrrst, ever YF St Lucia social tonight! Movie Night! Not that many people but a nice quiet evening watching Ratatouille over an enormous bowl of popcorn and chips and three boxes of pizza. It was also sometime in the aftermath of tonight's event that got me thinking and reflecting about how I've been starting to let it be all about me instead of all about Him over the course of learning how to be a good ambassador of Christ :( That His glory is best shown in my weakness and so all the more I ought to boast of my weaknesses and let His glory be shown!

Anyway that's (oops I forgot his name!) with our enormous bowl of microwave popcorn!

Taiki making himself comfortable. He made FIRST grab for the slouchy couch.

The last few days were peppered with activity: catchups, lunches, heart to hearts and the like. Hilda and I decided that we always do the same old things everytime we go out that we're being jaded and colourless. So we planned a whole list of things we can do the next time we're out! And lots of them include us resting our bums but only in very different places. Okay, I don't know why but there's something about a hot steaming plate of pasta and a fizzy drink which makes me so satisfied. Like my pink tiro :)

This is what I mean about us resting our bums most of the time but only in different places. We hid in one corner of Borders armed with four magazines and freeloaded off Borders until it was time for Definitely, Maybe. Speaking of which, I thought it was pleasantly enjoyable. It's the sort of movie that's peppered with quotes you want to remember which is one of the best things about movies. I love how how certain things strike a chord with you, expressed so plainly and eloquently that there isn't a need for you to say a single word.

Then sometime along the week was a late-night supper at Maccas where four of us demolished 36 chicken nuggets. I <3 chicken nuggets!!!!

I think this was Friday. Friday felt quite perfect: a smooth driving lesson, Meishan coming over for heart to hearts and eating expensve sandwiches, and Poker Night at Angie's where we demolished a mountain of food, played cards and watched Bring It On! It's one of those embarrassing confessions but I secretly love that movie. I felt tears stinging my eyes a couple of times during the movie because school competition has that annoying way of clutching my schoolgirl heart and pricking the tears out of it. It was like that time when AC was losing to HC in some waterpolo game and I teared. There's not even a need for me to talk about the tears shed in squash here.

I've been really exhausted this week commuting from one place to another by bus and foot, constantly heading out and heading back in the insufferably warm weather. It doesn't help that I can't spend more than three hours out before I start smelling like a schoolboy, moisture clinging to my skin like film. It doesn't really help that I am suffering from insomnia! I clocked a grand total of nine out of 48 hours in the last two days and despite being out all day, I am still not sleepy! Help help help.

This is a really long post with lots and lots of pictures. Hmm, you know what I really want? I want my heart to be so moved by God's love that in every step I take it is aaaaaaalll about loving God and His people. That selfish ambition, pride, fear and every other little thing is pushed aside, and my heart will be made pure, like Jesus' :) Because it is sooooo hard and I find myself struggling with this every single day: envy, inadequacy, fear.... Change my heart, I pray!

posted by SHUMIN on 11:22 PM (1) comments

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Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Sometimes I wish a real, concrete, emotional blow would hit me straight up in the heart, just so I can feel human again. I cry, I weep, I wail, I laugh, I smile, I swallow; but all for half-baked reasons that are bereft of me. Such paltry reasons for emotional upheavals feel weak and contrived, like I'm scrabbling for shreds of emotion past and fleeting to hold on to, crying over a memory I'd gotten over but pulled out again. But at the same time, there isn't anything to smile or laugh about, that something which creeps into your heart, touching a spot that flushes your cheeks and tingles your nerves. This steadfast plodding in shades of grey is numbing my senses; I don't feel alive.

It sounds jaded and cynical, but I don't remember the last time I felt that tingly breathlessness of unbridled joy. Or maybe I do. But I don't remember how it felt. It's funny remembering but not knowing, like an old favourite toy; lovely, sweet and fond, but you've simply forgotten how to conjure those feelings you had when you played.

Well, I know despite what I've foolishly said, it's just my careless and obstinate way of acting on a whim for change. Because I contradict myself all the time, and will live to regret that sharp blow, should it come, begging it to be taken away. Sometimes I think all I really want is that utopian dream, like snapshots in a magazine.

posted by SHUMIN on 2:30 AM (0) comments

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Tuesday, February 19, 2008

I finally got down to uploading all my pictures that I've been taking with my grainy 2 mega-pixel phone camera. There's an odd frisson of delight seeing my blog speckled with colour again, a reminder that my life isn't a poorly recorded page of mere superfluous words. I was walking through the shops the other day and I find that I am helplessly drawn to the aesthetics, which explains why I often fall victim to the sprightly colours of marketing gimmicks: floral prints, sea-green and sunset hues, glittery metallics all artfully and eclectically thrown together in a thoughtful design. It was for this very quality that I bought myself a pair of bright yellow strappy sandals; to throw a spot of colour on my very neutral shoe rack of verying shades of browns/golds, creams and blacks. I am very superficial that way, sadly.

I felt like being alone today, but I was terribly sick of bumming. So I cleared my room and you can actually see the carpet now. I was trying to break free from running through the motions, drifting through the routine of banal activity, completely fruitless and purposeless. So yes, I cleared my room. Then I sat down and made birthday cards. It's doing little things like these which are stemmed from the heart that fans this little flame of warmth in me; fruitful and purposeful even though technically I haven't really done anything other than twiddle with some glue and scissors like a five year old!

I don't really know what I'm trying to kick out of my system but it feels like I've got a chip running through my veins, leaving a bitter black trail. Ugh. I find myself feeling restless, morose, resentful, and a whole combination of the like, that it has left me pushing sleep to the very last minute so I don't lie in bed awake and thinking. I tried taking a walk tonight. After dinner and three episodes of Friends, I plugged my ipod in my ears and took a 40-minute walk. It felt really good! Striding over my ill-feelings and playing out the songs, like a newly branded soundtrack for crisp nights, shady moonlight and the staunch step of liberation.

I spent part of the night praying and realised how this year's gonna be a BIIIIGGG year with the tremulous twists and turns of uncertainty and change. Made me realise how hard I'll need to pray this year and leave it all in the hands of God as I faithfully obey and carry it out. He is faithful even though I've been so... unfaithful! God is verrryyy good, indeed :)

Anyway, on to the more fun part of this post which doesn't involve any self-centred moodiness or the like... PICTURES :)

This was when Hilda and I caught Sweeney Todd which was Disappointing with a capital D!!! It's when I still had hair, ha ha.

And there was also the time where we were meant to catch Kite Runner but totally missed it (sob!) and settled for tea and coffee instead. I have this terrible weakness for whipped cream lately. I've been blowing my money for iced chocolates and mochas just for that delicious dollop of light, whipped cream drizzled over in cocoa powder. Yums!

Then there was bowling at Strike! One day after my hair's all chopped off. Woooo!

And then there's Jumper with my dear beloved Meishannny Shan Shan (HAPPY BIRTHDAYYYYYYYY DARLING!). I love you for so many reasons but mostly because you're funny, caring and such a wonderful friend! You make me cupcakes with pretty icing, call me up to whine with me about badly dressed boys and uncertain futures, make me feel better about myself when I feel like life has trod all over me with it's stinky feet... And I know it sounds stupid but I loooove how you go out with me holding my hand acting all loveeey and chummy! Happy Birthday sweets xx

posted by SHUMIN on 10:30 PM (1) comments

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Thursday, February 14, 2008

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

Did you know that Valentine's day is named after two Christian martyrs named Valentine? Vday's always been associated with the bittersweet, love/hate polarities of courtly love, a commercialised gimmick of roses, dinners and romantic gestures or even candidly renamed as Singles Awareness Day. I'm all for commercialised gimmicks and lots of courtly love, but Valentine's Day means so much more to me after I knowing the meaning of it. And it is ten times more compelling because it reminds me of the love of Christ which compels us to love others :)

So on this day of luuuurve, even if you don't have a special someone to spend it with, I've found a new, attainable, albeit very temporal, current love. And it's Kookai's Coton de Pima long sleeved tops which are pure unadulterated winter love. They're made of pima cotton which hugs without being too clingy and are sold in deliciously delectable, fruity colours! Best of all, they're on sale; so they're currently going for $12 a pop (down from $39!) which is truly the yummiest part of all. I bought one in a dusty pink taupe two weeks ago and liked it so much that I went back and bought another two more: in cream and a shade that I can only describe as a heavy sticky butter yellow. I'm so tempted to head back and get myself the lavender, pistachio green and to be completely over the top, the bright orange which is apparently known as International Orange.

That's the thing with basic tops. You find the perfect one and you feel the need to get it in every single colour. That was my mistake with the Forever21 ribbed tanks which they sold two years ago. I bought one in white and by the time I wanted the other colours, they were all sold out.

I know it sounds mildly mad, but sometimes I like putting my coloured clothing together and watching them blend in a mosaic of colour, like the melting hues of a sunset, and then feel my heart light on fire and the tingles running over my tongue.

posted by SHUMIN on 12:42 PM (0) comments

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Tuesday, February 12, 2008

I was in such a forlorn mood the last few days that I went ahead and did it: I got my hair chopped! And it has put me in a surprisingly chipper mood. Long day tomorrow: stuffed full of sickeningly stressful errands and a driving lesson. There are predicted showers as well. Noooooo. I had a good time tonight pigging out on my olive oil and white wine pasta and a quarter chicken Nandos meal over five episodes of Friends. As much as I hate to admit it, good food and a good show makes me very very happy.

posted by SHUMIN on 11:58 PM (1) comments

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Monday, February 11, 2008

I can't help turning back and scrabbling for the fluttering carelessness of my youth. Not that I am un-youthful but age has that way of creeping up on you, shocking you out of ageless delusion. Like a competition for youths: ages 12 to 18. Eighteen?! And there I was thinking I still qualified. Living by yourself hastens the aging process. I feel like a child dragged into adulthood by bills, rent and grocery shopping; unwilling, churlish and pained.

Today felt like a grown-up day. I went to see Fendam Management regarding my old tenancy bond. I wonder how adults get used to commercial jargon, using the phrases so loosely and blithely, while my ears twitch and prick as the words knot themselves in incomprehensible bundles in my head. I'm sure all adults were young and ignorant once. Other grown-up things I did included getting my week's worth of veges, chicken and fruit as well as a brand new two-tier shoe rack. I didn't know plastic stackable drawers were so hard to find. While looking for my stackable drawers, I spent a pensive five minutes wistfully fingering the pretty wood-and-cream table lamp and the mini chest in shades of dark wood and taupe, all well over my minuscule student's budget. And now I've got a pot of chicken soup bubbling over the stove. I miss my mother.

I felt really sad last week, didn't really know why. I was feeling really well in the day: spent Friday morning singing and talking to the old folks at Belasco Court, met up with Hilda for some window shopping and idle chitchat. Then in a sudden burst of solitude, I holed myself up in Borders for two and a half hours poring through a book. I took a bus home after with Deathcab in my ears, scribbling in my notebook. The little bubble of sadness popped and I spent the next hour sobbing and trying my best to buffet my bruised and uncomprehending heart with those dearest to me. Some things make so much sense in your head, but not when said out loud. I really need to learn to hold on to the everlasting hope that is in Jesus and not cave in to my bouts of melancholia!

Yesterday was Billy's 21st; happy birthday Billy :) It was quite a festive affair with trays of finger food being served and everyone dressed according to the theme of I want Billy to be _______. We went as the Addams family and I don't know whether it is meant to be a compliment or not but everyone said I looked exactly like Wednesday Addams. Anyway, the only pictures I took are with my grainy phone camera so I thought I'd steal some cool professional shots off facebook instead!

Kungfu Master Iggy and Wednesday Me :)

The Addams Family with the birthday boy (Gerrard)

His awesome Paul Frank mango mousse cake. Loooooves it.

posted by SHUMIN on 1:13 PM (0) comments

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Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Okay, so with the recent demise of my aging Canon, this dearth of pictures means I have no reminder whatsoever of the coming and goings of the last three (has it been three?!) weeks in Brisbane. Rather, the eventful twists and turns have been marked by movie tickets, lunch receipts and the memory of me sloshing down in the street in the rain struggling to balance my bag, groceries and umbrella. Or the ever trusty checklist in my organiser!

Speaking of which, every item in my previous post is checkity checked. I woke up at 7.30 am to take a (short) morning run. Slow and steady is the way. Then I had my first driving lesson in two months which went all right save for three critical errors (haha!). And everything rolled along just fine; from cooking to grocery shopping to the surprise visit Taiki made where we laughed along to Chuck and Larry and freaked ourselves out watching Medical Incredibles.

It's Chinese New Year Eve today. I woke up and my first thought was my parents followed by our annual tuanyuanfan dinner at Marina Mandarin. I've already planned my meal for tonight's lonely tuanyuanfan which comprises of chicken soup and corn slathered with butter. Not very chinese-new-year-ish but it's something I'm craving. To be honest, I'm really sad to be missing this holiday with my family. Chinese New Year seems like the only holiday in the year where the entire family gets together and isn't hounded by festive parties with friends. It's the only time where all of us get together bonding over cards and mahjong, snacking on stacks of pineapple tarts, nuts and chocolate.

I'm just going to pretend that today and the next two days, are just any other days dotted on the calender. And I'll call my mum later.

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR (:

(cny 06)

posted by SHUMIN on 11:39 AM (0) comments

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Monday, February 04, 2008

Apparantly, putting ideas into tangible print heightens the chance of them being brought to fruition. So I shall write down a list of things I want to accomplish tomorrow.

Things I must/will do tomorrow: 5/2/2008

1. Morning run

2. Driving lesson (definitely CHECK. He's coming at 10am! First driving lesson in.. a long time)

3. Cook lunch and dinner

4. Buy groceries

5. Buy a callcard

I decided not to be too ambitious, so I left out Doing the Laundry, heh. Hopefully by this time tomorrow, everything would be checkity checked!
:)

posted by SHUMIN on 8:15 PM (0) comments

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Friday, February 01, 2008

Being camera-less, although incredibly liberating, is also very subtly inconvenient. I don't think about how I need a camera until the need to immortalise a memory creeps up, loftily reminding me that my blog and memory box lacks that jovial boost of sprightly colour. And I don't particularly like haggling for the best deal, because I am lazy like that. The pressure is mounting, being told that they got this item at this price. I'll spend the entire time camera-hunting period thinking I've been jibbed.

I think back on this breezy lilting Friday and I see splotches of food and laughter rolling like the wind. Meishan came over and I cooked lunch. I attempted to replicate my mum's chicken mushroom stew and it was S-U-C-C-E-S-S this time, if I could say so myself. Comfort food at its homey best. We spent the remainder of the afternoon talking and rolling around the couch. And the sweet person that Meishan is, came with two huge mangoes and sago and made us sago dessert although I was fully cracking up at the disgusting process of watching innocent white sago turn into googly blobs resembling frog eggs.

My tunch (tea AND lunch) slid seamlessly into a very healthy and delish dinner at Steve and Keiyeng's of roast chicken, crusty bread and various salads. I plan to make a dinner like that sometime soon because I can never resist the combination of roast chicken basted in herbs and warm sweet crusty bread, topped by a healthy winning combination of colourful salads. Yum!

I attended my first TGIF at church tonight and I find boardgames bring out my schoolgirl best. Dramatic, competitive, I am bursting into life. Haha, I really should have brought boggle back from Singapore.

Okay, now I am craving more of that yummy bread I had tonight. It was so ordinary but so good.

posted by SHUMIN on 9:55 PM (0) comments

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Thursday, January 31, 2008

This week's been good and busy; dinner with Taiki, roast at Viv's, Sweeney Todd with Hilda, and 27 Dresses with Angie. I can't help but feel despite the activities neatly lined up to a tee, it hasn't been very fruitful. Stuffing my days with people and activities, filling every spare moment with idle nitty-gritties, I think I'm scared to be alone. Every night I spend a few brief moments reading my bible and praying and I think about how there were so many spare hours in the day I could have used to delve in His word, seeking rest in His grace.

I really need to learn not to seek my comfort in worldly things, but to run to Him first in everything. To hydrate myself daily in His word, communing with His Spirit. I'm not even doing anything in particular, and I feel so drained. I neeeeeed You.

A month into 2008 and already it has left a bitter taste in my mouth, like taking medicine for the first time. It's funny because I'm normally ready for the new year. The start of the year usually pans out nice and slow, increasing in pace as I run through the year. But 31 days into this year and I still haven't found my footing. Again, I know it's Him teaching me to increase my faith and hold to Him as I continue to carry my cross. I really need to live out His word more in my life!

Moooore, MOREE, MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOREE.

Okay, completely random but 27 Dresses was pleasantly good. Now I wanna get married!

posted by SHUMIN on 5:54 PM (0) comments

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Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Entering into week 2 of Alone-in-Brisbane and I'm trundling along fine, save a few pangs of loneliness and bouts of emo-ness where I sat in front of the telly tearing at the sad bits, which truthfully, weren't very devastating at all. The xiaojie at the asian dvd shop was right, Lesley was right, Coffee Prince is a really good series. I sat for hours, running disc after disc through the player, basking and weeping in television euphoria. The last time I felt this way about an asian series was My Girl which was a whole year ago.

I spent my first week in Brisbane at BLT which was terrific; munching on the word of God, growing, learning, humbled and challenged. And there was also that prick of conversation every hour at BLT where we sat on top of our bunks, sharing little tears and fears over packets of Maltesers, which I treasured very much.

I haven't done very much with my time so far other than meeting up with people and eaaaating lots of foooooooood. I haven't quite gotten used to the inflated prices yet; peeling out an average of $10 a meal still hurts my pockets.

I watched Sweeney Todd today. Disappointing, disappointing, disappointing! I liked the cinematography, but the songs were disappointing. I couldn't make out the lyrics clearly half the time, the songs all sounded the same, and I didn't really like how they would suddenly burst into song while talking halfway. And I think I got abit sick of seeing a continuous stream of slashed throats and spewing blood.

My 2.1 megapixel camera died on me before I left and I very stupidly left my better but bigger camera in Singapore so all I have left is my grainy phone camera which has no flash. Thankfully, I managed to retrieve my pictures from my spoilt camera so I still have my pictures from my last week in Singapore!

Last day of work! We ate an extremely crap thai restaurant

Hotpot with the hotpot hotties!

Met Eggtarts on a Sunday afternoon for fooooooood

Met Eric and Marc on a Sunday afternoon for idle chitchat

My last supper with the girls, figuratively speaking. Our appetites have shrunk considerably compared to our glorious days of copious amounts of food. I miss lamian and xiaolongbaos!

Requisite toilet shot. Where's Cass and Sooozie?!

Model STUDENT Mich

I MISS YOU FRIENDS!

posted by SHUMIN on 5:00 PM (0) comments

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Monday, January 21, 2008

It is Day 1 in Brisbane in 2008. I couldn't sleep last night; the bed was new and unfamiliar and the light had an irritating faint flicker even when the switches were off. I woke up late today (10 Singapore time, 12 Brisbane time) and headed to the bank, then to Coles to buy shampoo. It was a strenuous trek, the scorching sun beating on my back, the air hot and muggy save for the occasional breeze. I miss David's car! And I miss having housemates. I don't think I could ever live alone. My room is halfpacked and I really ought to get rid of my hoarding habit. I think it's time to clean out everything that I don't need. It makes packing and unpacking very difficult. Today felt like the first time I arrived in Brisbane; refamiliarising, the beating sun and the ticklish scent of slathered sunscreen.

For the first time in two years I've been in Brisbane, this is the most homesick I've ever been. Hello so year three.

posted by SHUMIN on 2:04 PM (0) comments

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Saturday, January 19, 2008

10ish hours till I'm on a plane bound for Brisbane. I am feeling very emotional for some reason. I watched 200 Pound Beauty on telly and when she made her speech at the end, the tears wouldn't stop streaming out of my eyes. I wonder if I'll cry at the airport tomorrow. Although I think it's very stupid to cry when it's the 5th time I'm leaving the airport for an extended period of time. I'm going to be at the new Changi terminal tomorrow: terminal 3. I hope there's a McDonald's so I can eat a hash brown and sausage mcmuffin before I hop on the plane. I can't believe I'm heading back so soon. OH HELPPPPPP. I think I'm going to miss Singapore and my family and dog and frieeeeends............. Sniff.

posted by SHUMIN on 11:13 PM (0) comments

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