sometimes i think about what it'd be like if i were ant-sized or beetle-sized and lived amongst humans.

i was in the shower earlier, and i noticed a little beetle swimming, or struggling for that matter, in the shallow water, trying its best not to get swept by the mini currents caused by the jet spray of my shower head.

and while shampooing my hair and rinsing the suds out, this little beetle remained the object of my attention. normally, i hate beetles and i'd squish them in tissue paper and flush them down the toilet.
but for some reason, this teensy beetle was rather endearing in its efforts to survive the horror encounter of being half drowned in bath water and running the risk of being smothered by huge clumps of lather (which did happen by the way but it managed to scramble out).

so eventually that beetle did get sucked down, but it made me wonder what it was like being that size and having to face such monstrosity, such as well, me because i'm about a million size bigger than that teensy thing.
and being in a shower stall would probably seem like a vast square valley with torrents of rain and rushing waters and not to mention clumps of falling shampoo lather.

and then i started to think about how that damned beetle just didn't give up. because i'm terrified of beetles and i was trying to wash that thing down the drain, but it just kept struggling for dry 'land' such as my shower cream bottle, and amusingly didn't give up.

and then i thought about all the things i gave up and all the times i gave up.
it's so cliched to say that if we keep trying and never give up, we'd reach our goal, or for every no that's shouted in your face means you're closer to a yes, etc etc but in it's own little way, it is true.

so i thought about the time i hated practising the piano and all those boring songs that my teacher forced upon me and i demanded that i be allowed to quit. and many many years later, like now, i realised that i actually do like playing the piano. but because i gave up, i can only tinker and plink on the keys, churning out a few rough-edged tunes, when i could have marvelled and awed everyone with my mastery, or lack of it.

and i thought about the time i gave up writing. when i used to sit for hours before the computer, tapping away on the keyboard, formulating ideas into words, and words into stories or poetry. and how when i took it up again, i felt so inadequate and speechless, and the material i produced just didn't seem to live up to the standard i was expecting due to age. and so i'm probably at the brink of giving it all up again.

and though i never ever regretted picking up squash, i did wonder what it would be like if i had never quit LDDS in sec one. i could have raised my grades from all the useful experience i could have acquired in debate, or perhaps heightened my theatrical tendencies by being in drama, and though i know i'd probably never enjoy it half as much as i enjoy squash, i do wonder sometimes what i could have been, and what hidden capabilities i have.

and there were so many incidents that i thought about, including times where it seemed like i wasn't giving up, but i didn't know if it was my best. for example, i knew i wasn't giving up on squash, but i didn't know whether i was putting in my best. i've won games, i've lost games. i've won them without effort, i've won them by putting in LOADS of effort, and i've lost them without effort and yet i've lost by putting in alot of effort.
which made me think, could i have won? could i have just put in that liiiiittle bit more. or was i just plain incapable because the other was just better than me. period.

so what exactly is 100% or 110%?
i've always been told, put in your best, put in your best, but i don't know what's my best.
sometimes giving up seems to be the best way, but yet sometimes giving up just seems to be losing so much in the long run.
giving up the piano could have been good for me, because i was miserable with the teacher anyway, and i doubt my capability to be a player capable of such, as i'd put earlier, mastery. and subconsciously, i'd probably invested that extra time into reading or doing something else for my benefit.

blaah, all these random useless long-winded thoughts derived from just a tiny bug.
there must be something wrong with me.