been drifting in between reality and and the isolated bubble of thoughts. i don't mean i've got half my head stuck in the clouds but been feeling set apart and immersed in the real deal periodically.

for example, during the span of last night and this morning my mind wouldn't register the fact that i had a gp mock this morning, so once i thought i remembered, in moments i would forget.
which means i conveniently shut the alarm clock and went back to sleep thinking that i had a good six more hours to sleep with the pounding rain overhead.
and yes i was 15 minutes late.
managed to churn out an essay which i wasn't sure i addressed correctly and comprehension was nothing short of difficult.
failed to complete the AQ although the fact that i had no stand would probably fail me even if i'd finished it.

unsuccessful shopping days and aching feet but good food aren't good for the soul. even the thought of having satisfied one area of my hunger, the literal one, doesn't cheer me up.
been unhappy of late and doing alot of thinking, although my process of thought is highly unintelligent and bordering self-centredness.

been doing self-analysis and berating myself and the circumstances around me. it's said to be healthy to question yourself from time to time because it makes us all better people, but instead of healthy shots of life, i seem to be getting doses of inferiority complex and self loathe.

i'm vaguely aware i sound like a depressed maniac but i'm not.
i do see the brighter things in life, i know what gifts i have.
and i also know what i do not have and i've identified all too well that what i do not have seems to be glaring right at me and it seems to be oozing out of everybody else.

i think i used to think i was pretty confident.
but self perceiving and being are two different things.
we all do have blind eyes.
blind to what we do not want to see, narrowing the scope of ourselves.
or perhaps the mirror in our heads reflect just what we like to see, almost as though our analysis has gone through a transformation machine which edits our perceptions and deletes those that we do not want.
although from time to time i've found myself delving into the trash bin to dish out flaws and incapabilities, infecting myself with the germs.

i know i'm not usually this pessimistic because i deem myself a rather cheerful person.
but like i said, self-perceiving and being are two different things.
even cheer dims and hides itself sometimes.

i hope to rid this narcissim (i may berate and run myself down, but it is rather narcissistic to talk about yourself all the time) soon.
i want to spin theories on world affairs, formulate my own worthy-for-thought opinions and make the world a better place.
but internal affairs first :)