i am subconsciously stressed.
how do i know this?
because

1. i clock an average of about 4 hours of sleep every single night (not intentionally. i just wake up automatically after 4 with my heart thudding and me feeling all jittery)

2. i have been eating regularly, sometimes maybe even piggishly, but i keep losing weight.
from the end of last year, i have lost a grand total of 5kg.
it's getting abit freaky.

3. my hair is frizzing up.

4. i'm dropping hair.

but in the light of day, i don't feel stressed.
maybe sometimes; occasionally pinches of jitters, but i have no idea why.
maybe i do know.
but i rather not acknowledge it.

so anyway, all these troubles of the subconscious mind isn't exactly very peachy because i'm perpetually tired (but i can't get any sleep!) and i have a thinning ponytail.
:(

the losing weight part i don't exactly mind.
but the paradox of eating and losing weight is just.. freaking me out a little.

and just a little something about myself that dawned on me today.
to people very close to me, i don't dare let my defences down because i hate to let them see me cry.
because whatever tears i shed, in front of them, they pour out 10x more than with people i'm averagely close to and 10x more intense!
maybe it's cause they're so close to my heart, the moment i start to open up, my heart simply doesn't have the strength to hold up and i just bawl and bawl and bawl without saying anything.
and i hate to let them see me cry, because i know when i cry it hurts them too which ends up hurting me for hurting them : /
so i suffer DOUBLE hurt.

and i think that only happens with my family.
and maybe my closest friend.
i hate to let my defences down because i don't want to let them down.

i was just recalling something jamie said way back in february and i remembered blogging about it.
jamie said, "the whole world can be against me. but as long as my best friend is on my side, i know i'll be okay."
it just struck me today.
how i agreed with it wholeheartedly then, and now i still do.
except the only difference is, then, i felt like it would be okay forever.
but now, it's not.
forever is not a word people should use loosely.
when i say it, i really mean it.

anyway i feel like i'm constantly biding my time.
for what?
i do not know.
it's a terribly icky feeling which eats away at me.

i am currently a lump of clear confusion.
oxymoronic, because in my head, everything is clear.
but circumstances make everything murky and i have no idea what is going on.

i am paranoid.
but i rather be paranoid than be in denial because when the truth dawns on you, it will just punch you in the stomach and leave you reeling in your tears.
i rather not deal with that.

but paranoia doesn't seem any better.

i am aching in my subconscious mind and my subconscious heart.

:(