i am hungry and tired.. was super damn high during tuition..
must be pms.. post menstrual syndrome.. haha.

people are getting superficial and image conscious and basically fake inside and out. even those that appear all goody and righteous.. to a certain extent, they are image conscious because they just seem to portray this hey-look-at-me-i'm-so-honest image and after a while it gets tiresome and in my eyes a little hypocritical. and then there are those who worry so much about being cool and stuff.. and well yes maybe they are cool.. but dont they feel false? and then there are those people who are drifting in between and i dont think anyone can confidently say that hey this is me and thats the way i am. the people in between probably suffer a sort of identity crisis. they dont think they're goody and over righteous but at the same time they dont think they're cool and stuff. so they're just greyish.

i cant say im totally blameless.. cause i know i can be rather false. but it gets tiring. i think im rather greyish, but it sucks being greyish cause u never really know where u stand. but at the same time.. i dont think im gonna enjoy being black or white.

i dont really like my class. its too full of extremes. personally, i think everyone in my class is nice as an individual, but together, its horrific. perhaps its cause my class is too extreme. we have so many cliques and bunches and both have very staunch beliefs. for example, some go oh i hate her she annoys me like shit and they're so adamant about it they bitch like hell. and some just believe they are so right, so smart, it makes everyone around them feel stupid and degraded. its too extreme. and me being rather grey.. is caught in between this hell.

ok maybe its too harsh to call it hell.. but i constantly feel as though im watching myself in class. i feel like two selves. with some im overly chatty.. cracking lame jokes knowing they'll laugh.. with some.. i let them make me laugh. and with some i just dont know what to say. or with some i jes complain or whatever. i dont like feeling as though i have to conform to some kind of social mould. i dont like seeing what people's needs and wants are and adjusting mine to fit theirs. and i can really stand amazed looking at people who change so drastically from one group to another. is this what u call adaptability? i guess inside it is something i'd like to possess, to be like a shapeshifter, able to fit in with everybody and be so versatile. but yet there's something i really despise about it. where's the sense of individuality? where's the sense of the being? at the same time, i'd really like to be someone who's so confident in my own skin, i can boldly say to everyone, this is me take it or leave it. but thats not the way life goes does it?

i remember writing an essay once, comparing people to drinks. some people are like water. neutral, clear, and wanted only when needed, good for you but no ones sees it. and then there are people who are like wine. intoxicating, worldly and people desire it, some because they truly appreciate it, but largely because it is a sophisticated thing to do. and there are people like fizzy drinks. people love them, but they're not neccessarily good for you, and most people are around them during a fun time. and they are those sweet drinks like ribena or lemon barley which aren't good, but aren't bad. people like them, but most prefer the fizzle and sizzle of carbonated drinks. and then there's the herbal tea. good for you only when you need it, but most people hate it. (that would be the teachers or something along those lines).

ok im getting way out of depth here.. but my point is looking at all these different 'drinks', is how most people act truly. i havent met a huge bunch of people who truly appreciated wine. most of them drink it cause its cool or whatever and arent there people like that? so cool and seemingly self assured, we feel so unsure of ourselves and we have to follow? and there are those like water. neither good nor bad. they dont get into trouble.. but they're not overly self righteous. most people use them.. why? because they fit into people's needs at appropriate times. but not everyone thinks they're that great.. and not everyone appreciates their goodness.
and then there are the fizzy drinks.. they're oodles of fun but they're not bad.. people just love being around them, but u dont expect to stick around them when things get tough. they're like party drinks. and then there's another in between drink like the ribena people.. they're not as unhealthy as fizzy drinks.. but they're sweeter and more delicious than water. people like them, but they dont love them. and of course the icky herbal tea.. which is good for you but u still HATE IT. like of course.. teachers and stuff. they're good for you.. but no matter what you dislike them.

well.. my only conclusion is.. life is complicated. c o m p l i c a t e d.