I have lost all drive to study.
all I've done all day is go for tuition, watch tv, play with the stinky dog, go online, eat pizza and chocolate cake.
and all I want to do now is stay online, watch more tv, go shopping, fix up my guitar with the busted strings and sew.

today I wore my old cross country shirt!
the shirt I bought for just one run during the nationals because the MG crosscountry team borrowed runners from the squash team.
it was a reminder of my old fit driven self and I feel a tad bit disappointed and amused at the difference between then and now.

before, I ran ten rounds once or twice a week and I told myself during every run that I must try and be the first to finish.
before, I went for every single training even if I was sick.
before, I went for training before training and remained after training.

now (or a little before since I've stopped playing squash for a while), I try to avoid running six rounds or more and if I do, I aim to merely finish. doesn't matter if I'm last!
now, I go for training thinking uggggh
now, I try to put off training til the last possible minute and think when is it going to end even before it ends.

and to think I used to be in cross country!! (even though I was quite lousy and it was a one off thing, just for nationals)
and now, when I run on the treadmill I only run at level7 and for 15 minutes.
any more than that, I think my lungs are going to explode.

and maybe I should try hitting the gym after michelle agreed that my arms are getting a little.. I refuse to say the word.
maybe going for those gym sessions under francis wasn't such a bad idea, cause I learnt many weight regimes!
even though I always cheated during his sessions.
fongchi and I were cheating buddies.
we'd do 4 sets of squats instead of 5 and use the lightest weight instead of the required one.

so the point of all that is, I realised I willingly ran all those rounds and put in everything I could, because it was something I was so terribly proud of (MG squash) and it meant so much to me.
I called the squash courts my second home, because it was the place I felt the most secure in after home.
a bad day at school would seem less significant because training was always better.

but in JC, it was a complete different story.

sometimes I think I want to relive those old mg squash days, just to remember what it was like to be a driven, responsible fighter.

and on another note, I had another blockbuster dream last night (meaning, everyone was in my dream in some way or another)

way too fragmented to recall it, but it made me realise I miss all my friends.

old, new, lost, drifted.

I think once Alevels are over, I've alot of cleaning up to do.