for some odd reason, I don't feel like myself today.
I woke up feeling VERY disoriented and spent the whole day pottering around the house feeling like something or someone had invaded me and messed up with my mind.
a carryover from last night, I'd reckon.

I attempted to springclean my room today.
so far I've cleared out THREE trash bags full of rubbish and my room doesn't look any.. less.

actually I don't think springcleaning has any good effects on me, except for the end result which only arrives much much later.
because
- all the dust makes me feel dirty and I it made my cough and runny nose even worse
- I find all these snippets of my past which make me so terribly nostalgic (and to begin with, I'm already a terribly nostalgic person)
- my brain gets frazzled cos of all the STUFF I have
- I start poring through these old school magazines which contain all these high flyer's accolades and it makes me feel as though I'll never (and never have) achieve anything. especially in light of the impending Alevel results.

(bear with me, long draggy post about all the things I found today, how they make me feel, etc)

speaking of poring through old magazines, it made me realise how much I miss mgs.
I even remember those primary school days where we used to runaway from soandsoandso because we didn't like her.
and we'd pass these hey, run down for recess before soandsoandso finds us ok? notes to one another and thinking about it, it makes me feel like such a mean little girl.

then the more familiar secondary school days:
of anxiety and tension before missgoh's chem lessons/lab periods where we'd pinch each other to keep awake and make sure our bunsen burner burns with a honghonghong.
it was during her lesson that I learnt how to yawn with my mouth closed.
and we used to run from classroom to classroom, mainly from b2 to b5 or a2 to visit one another.
and the endless sweets and chocolates during catchoo's lit lessons.
and also the time where joan and I spent two hours in the computer lab preOlevels to (ITS A SECRET).
and english lessons with tessiecheng where mich ann and I would read magazines and do idle quizzes and having weird combo conversations with steph fiona renuka and debbie.
and becky's happy dance.
and how there'd be all these prefects vs nonprefects quarrels.

then there's that indelible part of my mgs memory: squash.
those horrid ten rounds, the endless skips (I still remember the netballers asking us how come we could skip so fast), the court sprints, the drive rallies, decorating the squash courts, the mosquito coils and that awful brown couch which I miss and love.
I remember all the little presents (I put all the notes into a shoebox today), the lunches after training, the going back to school thrice a week during hols, mr koh, mr ong, mr loh, miss tan and aarg EVERYBODY.

its a reminder of how I felt as though I'd contributed much to mgsquash and did my best.
but when I flip through the pages of the AC magazine, I feel as though I haven't done a single bit for AC squash.

I know I've drifted down this line of thought many times, but ohwell, I'm longwinded and draggy and I think too much.

and today I packed all the Alevel notes, only throwing away the GP ones.
actually, I've many good memories of ACJC.
but those are mainly consolidated in the form of friendship, much less tangible than my memories of mgs.

and as I was sorting through all the letters, cards, photos and trinkets I'd received in the last few years, I felt this overwhelming sense of change and loneliness.

I think, I'm sick of explaining.
there's so much I want to say but somehow I'm too tired to say it all.
nothing's the same, even I'm not the same.
and sometimes I just wish that there was someone there who'd understand it all, understand the way I used to be, understand who I am now and I'd never have to explain anything, because they'll know.
I miss silent company.
friendship and love and understanding in the silence of company.
lately, no matter how many people I'm surrounded by, I still feel this sense of loneliness.

you know, I hate this entry.
but somehow all that had to come out.

the effects of idleness and nostalgia are perilous.