I think when it comes right down to it, like right down to the core of it all, I'm not a very practise-what-I-preach person.
I make very strong conscious effort to do it, but right down at the little niggle in my mind and my heart, the very centre of it all, I don't always agree with what I preach.
and that makes it half-hearted already, doesn't it?
when this little corner of your heart doesn't agree.

simply because talk is very, very cheap.

sometimes I feel as though all I've strived to achieve these past few months have been flushed down the drain and all these horrible, annoying, frustrating, icky, RAAAAAH, PFFFFT, alksjdf;lksalk, gahgahhgahah, thoughts have infiltrated my mind and made it a festering rut.

and that's probably the silliest part of it all.
that on the surface areas of my brain, my heart and the words that come out of my lips things are perfectly alright, that I've reached some sort of emotional equilibrium.
but peel away all those layers and you find a sewer.
a festering rut of all the stupidest things imaginable.
and that's why I say it's the silliest part of it all, because all that is happening in my mind when everything should be alright.

sometimes I just want to dump all the reservations and self-improvement and pride and self-worth aside and just say what I want to say and do what I want to do despite all possible repercussions.
just let all those silly things sprout out of mouth and just do all those silly things and..

and probably suffer the consequences.

but sometimes that's just what I want to do.
even if it'll make me look like the cheapest, stupidest, silliest person alive.

but, things don't work that way.
so I just wish someone would invent some kind of mental washing machine where I could just dump my brain in and brainwash (ha ha, excuse the pun) myself that this is the way things are, and it's perfectly okay.

and on another completely random note, now I think I know why calling this damned blog excusemeplease is so darned apt.
because I think this blog is some kind of place to dump my displaced thoughts and there's always a need to be excused for this kind of behaviour.

so yeah,
excuse me, please?

thanks.