I can't sleep, again. Restful slumbers have been eluding me of late, and I'm left in a tangle of rumpled sheets and restless fatigue. My last-ditch attempt at curing this in the last few days has been to eat copious amounts, letting the blood rush to my digestive system, giving my prowling mind a sweet food-coma-induced respite. The result? Bellyaches, indigestion and a lot of unwanted fat in unwanted areas.
It's been a blue-stained weekend of melancholia and pms pangs. I spent a lot of the weekend mulling over this sudden shaft of loneliness and insecurity which came and clouded my senses. Nothing concrete, nothing explicable; foggy but real. Like how people are so arbitrary, so unpredictable, so..... inconsistent. We're like vapour. I've been sitting around finding friendships evaporate into weak puffs of steam or solidifying into melty iceblocks or even some shapeshifting like liquid in containers. It's this evanescence, this wavering lack of certainty that really terrifies me sometimes.
I remember the day before this deluge of emotion washed over me, I was reminded of Psalm 23.. "The Lord is my Shepherd I shall not be in want.." and I prayed for it to work in my life. Timely enough, little yearnings tugged at my heartstrings, dissatisfaction buried itself in my chest, fear and melancholia began to take over. What better way for His Spirit to teach me not to be in want by besetting me with desires and fears that can be quenched only by Him! I really need to learn to depend on Him completely, following my Shepherd always, and letting His grace be sufficient for me. As I was reading the Psalm again, I think a real challenge for me is written in verse 4:
"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me."
I struggle so much already even when I go through the littlest things. But written so eloquently in this Psalm, that even though the gloom of impending death casts its shadow, Jesus is our light, our sovereign, our shepherd. His presence and love alone is enough to drive out all fear, His word is enough to lend comfort to our hearts. Something I really need to learn and apply!
It's been a blue-stained weekend of melancholia and pms pangs. I spent a lot of the weekend mulling over this sudden shaft of loneliness and insecurity which came and clouded my senses. Nothing concrete, nothing explicable; foggy but real. Like how people are so arbitrary, so unpredictable, so..... inconsistent. We're like vapour. I've been sitting around finding friendships evaporate into weak puffs of steam or solidifying into melty iceblocks or even some shapeshifting like liquid in containers. It's this evanescence, this wavering lack of certainty that really terrifies me sometimes.
I remember the day before this deluge of emotion washed over me, I was reminded of Psalm 23.. "The Lord is my Shepherd I shall not be in want.." and I prayed for it to work in my life. Timely enough, little yearnings tugged at my heartstrings, dissatisfaction buried itself in my chest, fear and melancholia began to take over. What better way for His Spirit to teach me not to be in want by besetting me with desires and fears that can be quenched only by Him! I really need to learn to depend on Him completely, following my Shepherd always, and letting His grace be sufficient for me. As I was reading the Psalm again, I think a real challenge for me is written in verse 4:
"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me."
I struggle so much already even when I go through the littlest things. But written so eloquently in this Psalm, that even though the gloom of impending death casts its shadow, Jesus is our light, our sovereign, our shepherd. His presence and love alone is enough to drive out all fear, His word is enough to lend comfort to our hearts. Something I really need to learn and apply!
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