The older I get, the less certain I am of what I want or aim to pursue. It's like mindless drifting, grabbing shreds of whatever I can as I move along, with nothing very much or substantial on my hands at the end of the day. I used to be so sure of what I was good at and what I wanted, but now I don't think I am very good at anything, but neither am I bad at anything. It tires and disappoints me, knowing that I lack the fervant concentration of intensity which people who are very good in one area possess, because it renders me unable to do anything spectacularly. Maybe if I threw myself at full-force into one particular hobby when I was younger, I wouldn't find myself scattered and dabbling across a range of things, but instead have honed a skill I could be immensely proud of. I could launch into a tirade of things that I can do, albeit merely lukewarm and tepid in nature, but I won't because it is unnecessary and boring and not very edifying at all........... Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God! (Colossians 3)

I seem to go through work seized by random clutches of fear; that everytime I fail to reply an email or deliver substandard work due to ignorance and inexperience, I would be costing them thousands of dollars. Although it is silly and foolish arrogance to think that my paltry contribution as a lowly intern is worth that much, heehee. But... the word of God is keeping me going everyday! You are my light and salvation, whom shall I fear? (Psalm 27)

I spend my free workless hours poring through desiringgod.org and reading online books at literature.org. I think it is quite a marvel how John Piper translates complicated matters into a clear, concise and comprehensible sermon or article. Sometimes when people ask me questions and I've got half-baked answers in a coagulated jumble in my head, I can only say to them at the end of an exasperated garble, "Go to this website! It explains exactly what I'm trying to tell you!"

I'm currently reading The Captain's Doll by DH Lawrence on literature.org. Everytime the name DH Lawrence pops up, I am reminded of the fistful of pink chrysanthemums in the short story we read in sec4, and the seemingly innocent poem we read in j1 about a boy on a rocking horse, until told otherwise that it contained sexual imagery. I was kind of perturbed and decided that DH Lawrence writes disturbing stories. But I am enjoying the story I'm reading nonetheless. I think whatever literary critical thinking or analytical skills I possessed before has gone out of the window because when I read books, I am unable to identify broad and over-arching themes. Which is quite a pain because I'd hate to think I'm an inert and unthinking reader.

I want to sleeeeeeep~