I think from now on I'm just going to keep myself really busy and occupied so that I don't have time to think. Because it seems every moment I have to myself to let my mind dwell and wander, my heart gets really heavy. And there are just so many things I can't really explain without sounding stupid or nonsensical because there really is no reason to be feeling like this so I think I'll just drown myself in everything else and when this moody phase subsides, everything will be fine again. And I'll learn to detach and attach myself in the right ways and find the emotional equilibrium. Because these days, I tumble from happy, sad, angry, irritated, apathetic within a span of a few hours and it is really, really tiring. Especially when I've got no one and nothing to blame.

HI FRIENDS, I HAVE BOOKED MY TICKET TO SINGAPORE SO YOU WILL SEE ME IN JULY FOR TWO AND A HALF WEEKS :) :)

yay! misses and kisses all round xx

And through timeless words and priceless pictures
We'll fly like birds not of this earth
And tides they turn and hearts disfigure
But that's no concern when we're wounded together
And we tore our dresses and stained our shirts
But its nice today, oh the wait was so worth it

I can't upload my Jason Mraz photos on either facebook or blogger so a stolen random youtube video of my favourite Jason Mraz song will suffice to produce a sliver of the emotional high that night. The Tivoli reminds me of the small cosy bar/club in the OC where Alex used to work with the dim and neon lights flashing and tiny stage pulsating with good music. If only it was like that: The Killers, Rooney, Deathcab!

Maybe it's because I'm bored and homesick, but everytime I see an aeroplane soaring overhead, I can feel my insides twitching with bittersweet longing as the blue and red lights blink goodbye. I like the idea of hopping on a capsulated plane and waking up hours later to a place called home. Or maybe I simply like the idea of good change, even if it means reverting back to the old. I don't know if it is cos I'm aging and slipping into jaded cynicism, or on the contrary, that I'm actually suffering from some kind of twitchy fickle-minded youth disease, but I am bored and restless and would love to see my life blossom into a riot of colourful change, both familiar, quixotic and sweet. Ha ha, I remember reading my bible last night and it telling me to rest and be quiet which is probably what I need to do because I know for sure that my spirit anything but.

Tomorrow we're going to the coast! Yay. Squashed in a little hotel room, shopping and the beach. I just hope once the mid-week passes, I'll have enough time to finish my stupid assignment and meet people.

Long overdue pictures! I'm starting to find putting pictures up on blogger a real pain; meticulous adjustment, captions and dealing with the indecipherable html codes! But then I admit I like reading blogs full of happy snaps so hence the obligatory ill-taken pictures, which to be honest, doesn't describe the past few weeks at all. I realised I do not have a knack for capturing the moment like Mich or Poanie always do!








Brisbane was cold and grey today, the rain foiling whatever half-hearted plans I'd made. So instead of trooping out to meet Meishan or browsing in the city or going for a run, I stayed home all day soaking in the dreariness in bed, in food or in Friends. And other banal activities included taking fb voyeurism to a whole new level, idly flipping through magazines and writing out an affordable shopping list. And ooooooh, Sean and I are going to see Jason Mraz on Thursday!

In a fit of restlessness, I'm so tempted to click my way into buying a ticket home but that's pure irrational impulsive folly so I'll save that clicking for when I've rationally discussed it with the parental unit. Okay sleep beckons!

Succulent medium rare steaks with mash, a teetering tower of an assortment of hot and cold seafoods, a creamy delicate mushroom and spinach soup, steaming plate of macaroni beef ragu, a chocolate deluxe sundae (vanilla, chocolate, macademia nuts with whipped cream and chocolate sauce), a variety of singaporean mixed fare complete with the requisite sambal sauce, and grapes, grapes and more grapes pretty much sums up my entire weekend. Thanks to Christine's parents who came down for the week and very generously treated us to such a delectable spread of treats!

Third year seems to be an explosion of Singapore; with the influx of Singaporeans like Raj, Christine, Bob, Wallace and even more people like Aneeta and Sashi whom I met today! And Aneeta went to MGS primary and AC too so it was like a mini trip down memory lane and a bit like coming home. I don't know why I'm whining about this so much this year but I really really reallyyyy miss Singapore this year.

And I don't know why but this week has been stamped with puerile behaviour. I've been petulant and churlish and unpleasant! We had our first YF St Lucia bible study the other night and the whole thing about denying ourselves and picking up our crosses daily made me acknowledge that as we grow, we need to know that it is a daily act of repentence and coming back to His grace because until the day we are reunited with Him, we will struggle with our sinful nature BUT take heart, because Jesus has overcome the world.

Then this morning, the first song we played was The Steadfast Love of the Lord Never Ceases and it encouraged me greatly: that His mercies are new every morning because of His unfailing compassion and great faithfulness :) I think I'd been beating myself up over my crap behaviour this week and while He shed light on the struggle and need to come back to His grace everyday, He also encouraged me that He is compassionate and loving and His mercies are new everyday! I can come to Him every morning in repentence and all will be forgiven.

I think at times I allow the whole myriad of busyness and discontent to take over and as guilt ebbs in, I start beating myself up over it and putting distance between me and God. But how great is He that He loves us so and has given us new mercies each morning to live in His grace :)

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;

his mercies never come to an end;

they are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

Lamentations 3:22;23

CATHARSIS 57

1. I don't really know you, but you really annoy me for a lot of unjustified reasons.

2. It makes me look like the bad person.

3. Sometimes I say really mean things because I want you to hurt like I'm hurting.

4. I think you're really cute!

5. Is it humanly possible to be that nice, that sweet and that perfect?

6. I wish I could carefully construct my life with the people I like, things I love, the melodrama or peace that I wish for; all with the endings I want.

7. Teach me to be more like You.

8. I wonder if you know how I feel.

9. I wish you'll revert to who you were three years ago. Actually, take some bits of who you are now, but chop off the rest.

10. I wish we were closer.

11. I don't know if it is me wanting the best for you, or wanting the best for me; I struggle with both.

12. I bought a present today.

13. I'm starting to realise that I'm a bitter, jealous, possessive person.

14. I tried to discover a little something to make me sweeter.

15. I don't know why it has to feel like a competition.

16. I really feel like snapping at you sometimes, but then I don't want to get worked up over no big deal.

17. I wish I was as strong as I think I appear to be.

18. I want to live a semi-charmed life.

19. I want you to listen to me.

20. I like listening to you. And you. And you.

21. It never seems to even out. But I guess it's not meant to.

22. I've always wanted to be good at drawing and music.

23. I'm at a stage where I think if I lose it, I'll gain my confidence back.

24. Why can't we all think the same way for the big things and differently for the small things?

25. I wish both of you would just stop rubbing it in my face but I know it's not your fault.

26. I am going to try and stick to my "When I am _______, I will not ________" list because I know firsthand how irritating it can be.

27. I love all of you. When you told me I was exclusively yours, I wanted to laugh, but I'm so glad I have all of you to buffer the aches of life and be my loving support.

28. I wish we could all be friends at a deeper level instead of drifting around like transcient superficial molecules.

29. Everytime I think badly of someone, I wonder if it's possible for the same to be said about me.

30. Why are you like that?

31. Why am I like that?

32. I like to think that I bring out the best in you but increasingly, I think you're bringing out the worst in me.

33. I arrange my room and choose my clothes so I can feel better inside. It lasts for like... a few hours.

34. I've always wanted to live in a tv-show. But tv-shows are soooo stupid sometimes.

35. You seem really faraway. I wonder if it'll ever be the same.

36. I can't remember what it's like to do really well.

37. I can't remember the last time everything went deliciously smooth.

38. Reading about you annoys me.

39. When you start talking about that, I feel like telling you the truth and asking you to shut up.

40. Sometimes I get really tired and wish I didn't have to be cheerfully independant and that someone would take care of me.

41. I miss shouting out school cheers.

42. I miss winning!

43. I want to find my puzzle piece.

44. I am so proud sometimes that I don't like showing that I need you.

45. I am a fibrous cell of desire, whims and wistful dreams.

46. I wish you'd be nicer to me.

47. Why do some people always get teased and some don't?

48. I'm half aware that I am spilling out three quarters of my nastiness and insecurities for the world to see.

49. BUT I DON'T CARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

50. I wish you'd act your age. But I still love you.

51. Do you take me for granted?

52. I always think what would life be like if I hadn't met you. Or you. Or you.

53. I'd like you to never ever forget and let it be burned in the fibers of your memory.

54. Sometimes I think what's the point in fighting.

55. I struggle with myself everyday.

56. How can some people be so deluded??

57. I wonder how do people view things. It's scary when things are misconstrued.

Sick sick sick. Down with the flu or throat infection or whatever it is, it feels like I've swallowed a sock; cotton mouth, sore throat and a clogged nose. I've spent the better part of today either sleeping or reading, only getting out of bed to put food in my mouth.

I'm almost finished with The Other Boleyn Girl. It has the epic melodrama I expected; hate, love, rivalry, deceit, and every other equally compelling, sordid quality that we ensconce in our hearts. I don't know about historical accuracy as I am terribly ignorant of these things, but any novel that keeps me enraptured and awake in my woolly deficiency has to be decent. What I liked best about it was the embroiling love/hate relationship between the sisters; hating and resenting with so much conviction but keeling over at the next step out of love, obligation and kinship. I can't but think it uncannily accurate although this was set in far, far, far more extreme circumstances.

There were all these funny things that kept popping to mind though, during the novel. Like how do they keep themselves so alluring and perfumed when they only wash once every few days?! And what do they use to wash their hair. How does a girl manage to get through life unscathed when married at a very pubescent age of 12? Is it possible for noble families to be so schemingly treacherous? How is it a kingdom guided by cardinals and popes could live lives entrenched in such lustful deceit and loosely use the will of God for their own selfish interests?

And the whole time I was reading it, I was recalling the first Trusts lecture we had about how equity came about in the medieval courts. That going by the king's judgment wasn't a floating subjective instinct or notion but was guided by the idea that the king was put in charge of the land by God and he was accountable to God as to how he managed the land and his people. And that makes me sort of wonder how kings and nobles and courtiers were really like in medieval history, stripping away the romanticised glitter and sparkle of gallantry and chastity. Were they godly men living in His grace or... not?

But then again, I really don't know a thing about medieval history so everything that pops into my head is a mere whim and speculation. I can't wait for the movie to be out!


annonymous: Thank you very much :)
lynn: Yes I remember you! How are you?

I have come up with a new plan which includes running shoes, a sparkly rope and lots of fruit and bread and NO SECONDS. Which had better work because this last week and a half has churned out generous numbers thanks to the sudden influx of food in the house (the owners of the car have returned! Which means grocery shopping, grocery shopping and more grocery shopping). And I still had the audacity to buy this canary-yellow dress which I practically squeezed myself into with lots of breath-holding and Ruth's help.

I've been hitting the shops in a very unhealthy fashion lately. First one being the unintentional sidetrack from grocery and homeware shopping, then catching up with Jasmine on Saturday, and the third one, today, because we felt like buying something. What kind of trumped up excuse is that anyway? I am disgusted with myself despite the odd frisson of pleasure you get whenever you buy something soft, shiny and new! Thankfully, everything has only been 10 to 15 dollars a pop so it doesn't really feel like liberal wasteful frittering... ok who am I kidding. A penny unspent is a penny saved!

Yup, I will hole myself up and home and limit my interactions with the outside world to my new plan, uni, church and people's houses. And I feel like saving up for a ticket back because this year, and I don't know why, I miss Singapore a lot a lot a lot a lot alottttt; claustrophic streets, rude drivers and all. Funny that homesickness kicks in on my third year.

I was reading 1 Samuel chapters 1 and 2 both last night and today, and I really like how it is written in verse 10 "In bitterness of soul Hannah wept much and prayed to the Lord" because her womb was closed and her rival was provoking her with her many sons. The bitterness of soul part was ringing out to me because sometimes I can't help feeling like Hannah: losing out, lacking, resentful and bitter.

I dislike the word bitter. It reminds me of maggots and rotten meat; foul, distasteful, and parasitical. I try to avoid using that word to describe myself because I like to think even when I'm sad, it's a soft shade of blue: internalised and soulful, not bred by hungry green-eyed monsters. But avoidance is perhaps nothing but a mere demonstration of escapism from the truth; that sometimes, I am simply, aptly, bitter. So when I was reading 1 Samuel, it was a mini-revelation of truth: oh God, THIS FEELING IS BITTERNESS!

This little cloud of bitterness, the odd speck of anger, the temporary lashes which lie on the tip of my tongue and jolt my heart; He is helping me deal with them every single day. I don't know if it's just pms but lately, it's been coming in waves: irritation, jealousy, resentment... even at the moment where I have this burning desire to spit out every single wrong a person has done to me and hold them accountable for abandoning me. Ha ha perilous pms pangs and unreasonable go hand in hand together.

But it was (AND IS!) so comforting knowing that in her bitterness, "Hannah wept much and prayed to the Lord". That even when we're a less than forgiving shade of blue, we can come to the Father's open arms, weeping and praying, and He listens and answers and lifts our spirit. I think so many times I forget that He listens to my pain and sorrow. Is He not the Lord of all comfort? Is He not the Lord of love? Is He not the Lord who holds the world in His palm? "My heart rejoices in the Lord, in the Lord my horn is lifted high. My mouth boasts over my enemies for I delight in your deliverance." 1 Samuel 2:2 - as Hannah prays to the Lord.

Yup :)

And ohhhhhhhh, completely random but last week was YF St Lucia's Games Night social and it was a barrel of laughs and gabillions of fun with Articulate.

(category was places)
DK: OK! Place sounds like Hungry. There is only one.
Hilda: errr... Hungary?
DK: YES!

And there was poker nights at Chris with the old and new crew:

Ruth: Oh so how old are you?
Daryl: I'm born in '87 so I'm .... err..... err...
Me: 21?
Daryl: YES!
Sean: heehee giggle giggle