today was a very good day because I met up with

LAURA! ELIZABETH! CHIA! WEN! YI!

who is back from switzerland

I have missed her so very much.
plus she fed cass and I homecooked food, which is something I haven't had in a long while.
she also fed us

christmas italian bread and christmas tarts!

YUM

in all happiness of laura's return and annoyance of taylor and charlotte!


but altogether, it was a very happy day and produced three very happy girls :)


had to zoom off after to meet Lesley so we could watch Orientation at church.
it was pretty good albeit abit abrupt.

the new year is coming.
time for reflections and resolutions.
maybe I'll dig up my stripey organizer which I'd kept by me this whole year and reread my blog tomorrow and reminisce.

and chortle to myself at all the silly things I'd written
AND make sure I do not commit the same mistakes that I did this year.
hopefully 2006 will be a better one.

(EDITED)

finally 18, that's what everyone said.
so a happy finally18 birthday to me!

doesn't feel any different being 18 except I finally get to use my own id (I think that's why everyone says finally 18..).
although the bouncer at zouk didn't even give my own real id a second glance and waved me in.
the day I finally get to use my own id and the bouncer barely gives it a check!

anyway, silly me forgot to bring my phone out yesterday.
so I spent many hours fretting and feeling like I'd lost a limb because it's so hard to contact everybody and besides, I always love to see who wishes me and is the first most accurate birthday wisher.
this year it is FIONA LIAAAAW (by sms) who wished me at 0000 hours :)
thanks dear

but at the stroke of midnight, I spent the first minute of my birthday with cass, swong, bex and jae (WHO WAS THE FIRST TO WISH ME IN PERSON) so thanks for all the hugs and screams.
I had fun last night albeit the suffocating crowd.

jame and I at zouk


and... and...
(this deserves special mention!)

thanks to LESLEY and MICHELLE LOH for surprising me at my doorstep with prata and tehtarik and a can of beer!
it was a very nice birthday surprise :)
thanks michelle for sending me down!


so thanks mus, quincy, fifz (first accurate wisher of the night!), nigey, colin, alex, amossie (even though you got my age wrong!), lennard, philip, marc, guan, meeech (sorry I didn't pick up the phone!!!), rens, shai, jame, poans, daniel (yes you were a good protector for the night!), tat, yasmine, puifun, mr poh (my tutor haha), jin, brian and eric (you! second year running), derek, sarahann, meishi and yongxi for the sms birthday wishes.
and
cel, kren, slow, christine, swong, cass, bex, jae, liping, al, psy, raj and tits for the hugs and handshakes! oh yes, joan too.
and to gab for the green mention in his blog and being the last person to wish me.
and to my sister dearest for the great present i love you!
and to rage for passing a birthday wish to cass who passed it to me, you are much missed rage!
and to xuee for the tag.
and to sue for calling me all the way from the US of A!
and to laura who called me the moment she touched down!
and to stella for the gazillion missed calls all the way from wherever you are (not australia i know!), sorry I didn't pick up!
and to eric for calling me all the way from australia!

and a great worthy mention of the night was when we were lining up and cass's shoe BROKE!
I tried fixing it up for her and while knotting those straps together, more parts of her shoe came out!
and I half sat on the floor laughing my ass off and trying to fix her shoe and these guys were like looks like you girls are having fun down there..
which was really quite embarrassing but really quite funny..

woke up at 2 and my dearest aunt Jen bought me a lovely cake!


then it was off to shuling's for the christmas party though I was really late cause I overslept.


it wasn't such a bad birthday

say hello to panda eyes, because I think I'm severely sleep deprived.
my body clock is extremely screwed up because I slept at 6am, which is 2 hours later than the night before!
I think it's because yesterday was piggiest day ever.
this is what shumin the pig did:

- she woke up at 2pm, fed Smokey, fed herself and fell asleep on the couch
- woke up at 6plus and had dinner with her mom at her grandma's place
- came home, lay on the couch and promptly fell asleep

then I woke up at 10 and got ready to meet Cass, Kren (the birthday girl!), Les and Joan at The Balcony Bar and it was really nice.
great ambience, great seats (thanks to cass hurhur) and great company :)

KREN THE BIRTHDAY GIRL!!!



















group photo














HAHAHA! my favourite photo of the night :) joan the spacewoman














kren joans and I














with cass and les















we spent some time walking them quiet streets of Orchard and kren left so the rest of us went to the new hawker centre near Meridien to have supper (yes! PIG AGAIN) and talk.
then we were talking about perfection and perfection personified til we managed to demoralise ourselves to the pits.
the solution to that is to think about all kinds of positive things about yourself and your friends because it's the ultimate ego booster!
we ended up telling each other what we thought were the best qualities and what made each other so beautiful; needless to say we all felt pretty warm and fuzzy and not so imperfect after that.
:)

and I love meeting friendly cabbies.
shared a cab with Lesley last night and after Lesley got off the cabbie and I had a really nice chat about his life, pros and cons of retirement, people with photographic memory and generation gaps.

anyway, the point is, I got home at 4 and couldn't sleep until 6.
and I woke up at 930 so my mom and I could go to the Isetan private sale.
had a pretty good haul!
although most of the good bags were gone by the time we got there.
but it's okay, I'm not greedy.
and I was pretty lucky I'd reckon, because I managed to snag all the last pieces of what I wanted in my size.

except for this pair of trackies which was in the colour that I wanted and going at $15!
BUT, they didn't have my size.
and this other pair of cropped pants which I'd been eyeing on for this past month and a half.
and the price was now reduced from $73 to $37 but they DIDN'T HAVE MY SIZE.
aaaaargh.
some things are just not meant to be.

ok, time to catch a nap before I meet the other girls later!

christmas is certainly the season of giving, because my body feels kinda generous right now.
this is the most fattening season of the year.
I have surprised myself this week at my capacity to consume which is too much to be healthy!!!
now I feel perpetually sick/full/hungry/bloated with the random bellyaches.

Christmas Day!
gab's house on christmas was spent waiting for the mahjong table (and eating heaps and loads).
for hours and hours.
we waited for the mahjong table til 4am.
and by the time the table was all ours, we were groggy and bleary-eyed.
but awake enough to play one round of dong and half a round of nan.
and I made it into the positive region and won 70cents :)
yeayea, big deal.

so while waiting for the mahjong table, we tried to occupy ourselves.
- firstly, we watched TWO movies: The Princess Diaries and Sweet Home Alabama.
- and then we watched wrestling (something I didn't really enjoy) because I don't see the big deal about a bunch of steroid-pumped muscled men man-handling each other in a rigged competition.
- then we watched a pool-tricks competition. this was very cool because an old man and a young man were competing to see who had a wider repertoire of pool tricks
- we were so bored we even wanted to resort to playing bingo (but there was no pen or paper) or the finger game. whoa!
-
- then, drinking games. had a good laugh here.
- then, we finally got hold of a pack of cards! marc is the daidee king, I swear. he manages to win even with the shittiest cards. and we played bluff, which was refreshing because usually card games entail poker, daidee, etc. quite alot of fun there.
- and finally, we... got... hold... of... the...

MAHJONG TABLE.
(it was abit of an anticlimax though)

then, I walked home at 6am, all ready to climb into bed and get some massive shuteye.

on
Boxing Day
I was very very very tired and sleepy.

met jame and mich for lunch (rage abandoned us, I miss her alot, hi are you reading this?) and had a good bit of a catchup.

then it was Chronicles of Narnia with my sis and lil cousins and I enjoyed it very very much.
I think this is the first time I've ever thought that a movie remake was better than the book itself.
that's because the movie was faithful to the book (they didn't cut any important bits!) and the parts they changed were sensationalized to make it a more enjoyable movie.
or to me at least.
I guess it's alot easier to remain faithful to a book when the book is short (like this one).
but anyhow Lucy was cute beyond words and so were the beavers who reminded me so much of smokey.

and it got quite funny when my sister randomly whispered to me during the movie
sister: shumin, I think I'm like Susan..
me: huh? oh okay.
(on screen)
Susan:... we used to have some pretty fun times, didn't we?
Lucy: yeah... until you got boring!
me: (looks at my sister) sniggers..
sister: see what I mean?!

the usual Christmas dinner with the smallgroup at uncle Rodney's house after was food-filled.
and we played a new game called Scene It! (the dvd movie game) which I'm terrible at.

haha I annoy myself at the way I feel the need (sometimes only!) to write down every single thing I did.
but I quite like going through the different bits of my day, especially if they were busy ones, and thinking bout the good bits and the bad bits.

I was comparing last year's Christmas pictures and this year's Christmas pictures.
I had a lot more last year.
mich and I were musing at whether endof2004-beginningof2005 would be the happiest that we'd ever be.
because if it is, I feel quite sad about my future.
haha

ok, time to sleep the eyebags away

MERRY CHRISTMAS !!!!!!!!!!
this was how I spent my Christmas eve, at my aunt's house gorging on turkey, ham, mash and mushroom straganoff.
and cause my aunt is scared of dogs, so poor Smokey had to spend most of the time outside tied to a chair.
my heart really went out to him :(

with my cousin (he's sec one and heaps of peopel say he's cute hurhur)


MY FAVOURITE PHOTO OF THE NIGHT! my sister in total candid unglamness and my mom in posed.. retardedness.


completely candid. smokey jumped up at my face and flopped back done and my dad snapped up my awful cringe.


much better. once dinner was over, I spent all my time sitting on the patio with smokey.


carving the turkey


when the clock struck 12, I was sitting on the couch with a cup of steaming hot water and reading The Chronicles of Narnia.
then noticing that the numbers of the digital clock read 00:00, I yelled MERRY CHRISTMAS to my mom who was upstairs.

today I went to church, late!
so I had to sit outside on red plastic chairs and I could barely hear the sermon.
lunch with my sis and her friends at Komala's.
ate so much I felt sick.

it's been a pretty slow Christmas this year.
very much different from last year's.
but I'm not complaining.

and...
WE BOUGHT A NEW MAHJONG TABLE!
say hello to the rolling good times of ponging and hu-ing!

:)

sometimes you look at life as though you know exactly what it's gonna be like.
you sit on your little chair, half knowing where you're gonna go and imagining in your head just how you think it's gonna turn out.
and maybe half wishing you could go somewhere else because again in that little chair you imagine in your head just how you think the other place would be.

which is probably why I have this crazy tendancy to read my books over and over and over again, no matter how many times I've read the book.
I find it extremely comforting knowing exactly where and how it's gonna end.
sometimes all the uncertainty and spontaneity gets abit sickening and draining.
sure it's exciting, at first.
and when all that wears away, I find myself turning to a good old dog-earred well-thumbed book.

and I realised that I always use the words sometimes.
and I guess.
and extremely.
and perhaps.
and.. and.
everything is and this and that and I always begin my sentences with and.
talk about being grammatically wrong.
or is it sentence structure?
not like it matters anyway.

and (see what I mean) look!
it's Christmas eve :)

Have a great Christmas eve everyone

I did it again :(
for the 5th night running I had a midnight meal (not the change from snack to meal)
sunday's all-day extreme hunger pangs seem to have triggered off some kind of chain reaction because I feel hungry all day and all the time this week.
I don't even dare weigh myself but it's okay, for the first time I dont feel upset about the extra pounds because I'm enjoying my food so much!
I'm just a bit upset at my lack of self control.

but I'm especially happy in light of Christmas dinners because I love Christmas food!
all that turkey and stuffing and sauce, and HAM (I love ham) and a couple slices of roast beef if I'm lucky, mashed potatoes or shepherd's pie...
as for Christmas desserts, I get more kick outta watching those fancy gingerbread houses and things.
although I've always fancied log cake.
I'm feeling very hungry thinking about all this... food.

all I've done today is:
- wake up at noon
- have lunch
- read The Magician's Nephew
- curl up for an afternoon nap
all this done in true hermit style.
I love the peacefulness and relaxation that you get from hermitizing at home.
and I was looking through all the old pictures, and I think this best expresses my hermit tendancies!















speaking of The Chronicles of Narnia, I know why I didn't enjoy it when I read it six years ago.
that's because I started with The Silver Chair.
starting with a series right smack in the middle (or not quite the middle heh) never conjures up much interest.
but after reading The Magician's Nephew, my interest is ignited.
tonight I shall finish up the second book

on a very random note, my dream last night was downright weird and boring.
the only reason why it's worth a couple of lines on my blog is because in my dream last night, I didn't know a single person who was in it.
in my dream I was friends with everybody and was in another school and even had friends who were working already, but when I awoke, I realised I didn't know who all those people were!
some kinda strange notveryparallel universe

and I feel like shopping again.
without the endless walking.
and I miss laura and sooz and rage (whom I haven't seen in a while)

please come home soon

it's quite comforting and depressing both at the same time when you retract into yourself and observe the things around you or in retrospect and get in tune with your feelings.
because of the certain level of insulation and protectiveness that you get from the inner wall that you rear up BUT with all that comes (usually) the horrid bite of reality.

such as, when I realise I don't have very much fun when I go out anymore.
I don't enjoy company very much and prefer to hang out on my own or with a select few.
and to me that is something worth pondering about: like is it just them, or is it just me, or what?
I think my connection level with most people has died down by considerable amounts.
again, it's another thing worth pondering about.

I think my happiest moments to date are those spent at bible study.
having fellowship with good friends; I guess that's what it means to feel 'edified'.

christmas shopping has a way of taking the thrill out of christmas during the arduous process of it.
but when I lug home all the gifts and wrap them up and give them away and hear my friends say thank you I really liked it! it somehow makes all those sore legs and frustration worth it.

yesterday was spent moping (thinking about it makes me half mad half sad) and then a food fest and entertainment from the adults at my dad's friend's birthday party.
I spent the whole night silently eating and enjoying the old conversation.

feeling a little melancholy.
listening to moon river always has that effect on me.
possibly reflective of how I'm feeling right now.
(I think I should stop feeling melancholy, it's a very bad thing to feel)

oh, dream-maker, you heartbreaker

wherever you're going I'm going your way

this is probably completely random but on sunday I saw this woman while I was out shopping.
she's the kind of woman who's not exactly pretty, but there's something particularly striking about her.
then when I was out on monday, I saw her again in the ladies; although it took me awhile to register why she looked so familiar.

haha i realised it is quite a strange feeling seeing a stranger twice and recognising her.
it makes her feel almost like a stranger friend.
anyway, I told lesley that I saw a stranger twice but I didn't dare tell her that it feels like I've recognised a friend because that just sounds downright weird.
but then, lesley said hey shumin, ha ha it's like seeing a friend!
then I breathed a sigh of relief and agreed.

what do you do when things don't go exactly as you planned it to?
the answer that I read in a book is: to adjust to God's activity.
somehow, I'm not sure if that is very clear right now.
and even if it is, that's alot easier to say than do.
I pray for strength and clarity.

and I can feel my hermit tendancies creeping in again.

it makes me feel like staying home all day watching tv and eating food.

yesterday was a very planless but fulfilling day, not in a conventional way.
time for elaborated pointforms!

- fiona and I met for breakfast at hollandv and somehow invited becky along at the last minute.
and it was very nice with the three of us sitting there, just like the old mg days where three of us would talk our heads off.

- we walked around hollandv and for the FIRST TIME, I lost my phone. it was a mini panic attack but some kind soul left it at a shop for me to retrieve it :)

- went to ACSi to visit my squash juniors because ACJC had a friendly with ACSi (the team is so big now and I felt so old) and to talk to my coach whom I haven't met up with in ages! he has a mullet now :S

- met up with joan, cass, swong, kren and ta at McCafe and it was lovely seeing faces that I haven't seen in ages like swong and ta. and more walking. (this was unplanned)

- had an unplanned dinner with soozie before she goes away for many many days :(

- met up with lesley for Perhaps Love. Perhaps Love, like lesley said, is a chinese moulin rouge and way too enigmatic for my liking. then we sat at the 24hour Coffee Club and had a really nice long chat.

- stayed up with my sister til 3am praying and talking but it was wonderful how much God has revealed to me and to see His hand at work!

God has planted in me a grateful heart and for that I am so thankful.
because I start to focus on what I have and what I can do for God more than on what I don't have and what God can do for me.
'.. and be content with what you have, because God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." So we say with confidence, "The Lord is my helper, I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?" '

this verse revealed to me many things.
1. His grace is sufficient for us, whatever we have, its ENOUGH for us!
2. He will always provide and He is always there.
3. Because of His love, we can say with confidence (which means BY FAITH!) that God will help us, always and forever and we need not fear.
4. We have to delight ourselves in God and not in the ways of men because God is eternal.
5. With God on our side, no one can be against us.
6. God's plan is perfect.

so I was talking to my mom today and I feel so grateful to have a mom like her.
a mother that everyone can depend on, a mother that loves, a mother that cares, a mother that disciplines, a mother that knows how to have fun.
honestly, I'd never been a very good daughter.
in the past, I'd said horrible irretractable things to my mother that makes me so ashamed.

but yet I feel so grateful because I know He has changed my heart.
and I feel so grateful because He has blessed me with such a wonderful mother.
I don't think I can fully express how much my mother has taught me and the way she always loves me, cares for me and does selfless things for me.
my mother spends the least because she is always thinking about our futures.
my mother never stinges on food, because she knows that we must be wellfed.
my mother always saves the best part of food for us, because she wants us to enjoy our meals.
my mother would pick me up after every training, even though she didn't have to, because she didn't want me to feel tired.
my mother prays for every single one of us everyday, because she cares.
I know this is so out of point, but even my mother is the one who loves the dog the most and seeing how she cares for him is just.. admirable.

I think maybe it's time that we all learnt to be happy with what we have and to appreciate the loved ones around us, whether or not they're still here or not.

because it's never too late to show we love and care.

my exhausted day in a nutshell

- woke up bright and early to go to church
- heavy lunch
- bible study
- went to see my sister's church performance
- did face painting for the performers
- heavy dinner
- and saw the cutest little boy in the whole world

I am tired.

for some odd reason, I don't feel like myself today.
I woke up feeling VERY disoriented and spent the whole day pottering around the house feeling like something or someone had invaded me and messed up with my mind.
a carryover from last night, I'd reckon.

I attempted to springclean my room today.
so far I've cleared out THREE trash bags full of rubbish and my room doesn't look any.. less.

actually I don't think springcleaning has any good effects on me, except for the end result which only arrives much much later.
because
- all the dust makes me feel dirty and I it made my cough and runny nose even worse
- I find all these snippets of my past which make me so terribly nostalgic (and to begin with, I'm already a terribly nostalgic person)
- my brain gets frazzled cos of all the STUFF I have
- I start poring through these old school magazines which contain all these high flyer's accolades and it makes me feel as though I'll never (and never have) achieve anything. especially in light of the impending Alevel results.

(bear with me, long draggy post about all the things I found today, how they make me feel, etc)

speaking of poring through old magazines, it made me realise how much I miss mgs.
I even remember those primary school days where we used to runaway from soandsoandso because we didn't like her.
and we'd pass these hey, run down for recess before soandsoandso finds us ok? notes to one another and thinking about it, it makes me feel like such a mean little girl.

then the more familiar secondary school days:
of anxiety and tension before missgoh's chem lessons/lab periods where we'd pinch each other to keep awake and make sure our bunsen burner burns with a honghonghong.
it was during her lesson that I learnt how to yawn with my mouth closed.
and we used to run from classroom to classroom, mainly from b2 to b5 or a2 to visit one another.
and the endless sweets and chocolates during catchoo's lit lessons.
and also the time where joan and I spent two hours in the computer lab preOlevels to (ITS A SECRET).
and english lessons with tessiecheng where mich ann and I would read magazines and do idle quizzes and having weird combo conversations with steph fiona renuka and debbie.
and becky's happy dance.
and how there'd be all these prefects vs nonprefects quarrels.

then there's that indelible part of my mgs memory: squash.
those horrid ten rounds, the endless skips (I still remember the netballers asking us how come we could skip so fast), the court sprints, the drive rallies, decorating the squash courts, the mosquito coils and that awful brown couch which I miss and love.
I remember all the little presents (I put all the notes into a shoebox today), the lunches after training, the going back to school thrice a week during hols, mr koh, mr ong, mr loh, miss tan and aarg EVERYBODY.

its a reminder of how I felt as though I'd contributed much to mgsquash and did my best.
but when I flip through the pages of the AC magazine, I feel as though I haven't done a single bit for AC squash.

I know I've drifted down this line of thought many times, but ohwell, I'm longwinded and draggy and I think too much.

and today I packed all the Alevel notes, only throwing away the GP ones.
actually, I've many good memories of ACJC.
but those are mainly consolidated in the form of friendship, much less tangible than my memories of mgs.

and as I was sorting through all the letters, cards, photos and trinkets I'd received in the last few years, I felt this overwhelming sense of change and loneliness.

I think, I'm sick of explaining.
there's so much I want to say but somehow I'm too tired to say it all.
nothing's the same, even I'm not the same.
and sometimes I just wish that there was someone there who'd understand it all, understand the way I used to be, understand who I am now and I'd never have to explain anything, because they'll know.
I miss silent company.
friendship and love and understanding in the silence of company.
lately, no matter how many people I'm surrounded by, I still feel this sense of loneliness.

you know, I hate this entry.
but somehow all that had to come out.

the effects of idleness and nostalgia are perilous.

I think slowly I'm coming out of my shell.
which is quite a good thing :)

yesterday my sweet friends surprised laura and I (ok, more like laura since I was late) for our birthdays!
since laura's is on the 1st of dec and mine is sometime later, makes sense to celebrate somehwhere in between especially since soozie and mich won't be around on my birthday.

it was reminiscient of the good old days at soozie's house with the copious amount of food we'll consume and all the little chats we'd have.
LIKE THIS!

look at all the empty dishes.

the cake


the girls and the birthday girls


today I went shopping with my aunt and it was semi-successful.
then I went for eugene's birthday HAPPY 22nd EUGENE!

it's been a tiring day.
I was walking home from eugene's house and I was suddenly overwhelmed by this strong sense of loneliness.
I can't put my finger on it.
and all of a sudden, I wished I could talk to someone, anyone, who remembers how it used to be, how I used to be.

have you ever had a dream that seemed so real, you actually thought it was real, but upon wakening, you realise your dream has been fragmented by reality?
I was watching the last episode of To Catch the Uncatchables and in that one scene she dreamt that the man had awakened from his coma and it was so real she believed it had really happened, until reality bit.
it reminded me of that one time when I had this dream and it was so real to me that I almost believed it was real.
and when the sun touched my lids and I opened them, I realised it was only a dream.
and sometimes, that's the thing.

that it is only a dream.

10 Ways to Know When Your Hermit Tendancies are Setting In

1. When all you want to do is sleep, sleep and sleep some more.
2. When you miss you friends but can't summon up the energy to meet them/call them out.
3. When you have read three books in two days.
4. When you are online 24/7 but your msn mode is "Appear Offline" 24/7
5. When you can't even bother to call someone to come to your house even though you are freeeeeeeeeeaking bored.
6. When you don't even bother to draw your curtains or make your bed because you know in a matter of hours you're gonna be back in that bed with curtains undrawn.
7. When you don't bother to change out of your jammies because (same reason as point 6)
8. When you don't feel like talking to anybody on the phone/reply smses.
9. When even the thought of shopping irks you.
10. When you don't even want to play with your cutest thing alive doggie called Smokey.

I received a phone call today which made me happier.
pretty ironic because it wasn't a very happy phone call.
but I call it peace of mind.
into God's hands I leave this :)

SICK I am.

lunch and christmas shopping yesterday with sooz and laura was abit of a muddled success.
we bought many things for many people (the success!) but the usual frustration kicked in on buying appropriate presents for people (the befuddlement) and I was down with a hacking cough, stuffy nose and headache (the extra befuddlement).

spent the whole of today sleeping.
seriously, my life's interest level is now zero.
I honestly don't remember a time where it was so boring.
BUT, peaceful :)
perhaps not peaceful externally, but peaceful internally.
and that's all that really counts isn't it?

I only woke up to go to the orthodontist at 6 to fix my broken retainer.
going to the orthodontist today made me realise how time flies.
and how the progression of my teeth has stuck by me during the good and bad times of my teenagehood.
the very first time I met this dentist of mine was end of primary6 as I headed towards secondary1 (the opening of teenagehood!)
and today I meet him again at the end of j2.

it struck me what a long time its been when he was talking about his son and my last recollection of his son was that of a wailing babe.
today when he spoke of his son, his son suddenly had legs that could walk.
and his son is SIX!
that means SIX years have passed.
makes you wonder doesn't it, what is it you have done in the past six years.

and it struck me recently how strange it is when we build up these perceptions and images of people we do not know.
quite unnerving, really.

and I received my first christmas card in the mail today from JIN!

yay for christmas cards.

I'm really glad I went for church camp because it was one of the best things that has ever happened to me.
indeed it's a wonderful feeling to let Him take hold of my emotional baggage and to hear Him and feel His presence and the Holy Spirit moving within the church.
I don't think I can adequately express the joy and peace that I've felt, but whatever doubts I had have completely vanished.

it is so true when they say that the joy of the Lord is our strength!
because, it is!
and now I just ask for some of you to keep me in prayer that I may obey Him because God has promised me something wonderful.
and already I see Him working in certain areas and all we gotta do is pray, pray and pray!
(anyway, hi stella, are you there? I dunno I just suddenly felt like talking to you. I WILL EMAIL YOU. and call me soon with your gazillion call cards)

on a more sour note, I am sick.
one of those inevitable things because I could feel the impending virus even before it hit me.
I don't like sick :(

ok anyway my befuddled brain cannot seem to form words properly or even think straight.
so I shall go meet laura (whom I haven't spoken to properly in AAGES) and soozie now :)

yayness for friends.

ohmygosh my buttons are baaack!
LIKE HI BIG FONTS and snall fonts..

I honestly think this (the revival of my buttons) is the only cheery part of my day.

-

you know, sometimes talk is cheap. real cheap.
but yet at the same time, the price for saying certain things is just too high.

I think increasingly words are bereft of me.
I can't seem to hold a proper line of conversation and would rather sit in a corner and say nothing with someone next to me saying nothing as well.
but then in most cases, that's not the way it works.
so I end up saying very non-me/fake/unnatural things or expressions that make me feel like kicking myself.
or, other people feel compelled to start a conversation with me.

you know, if I were someone else talking to me, I'd feel very annoyed with me!

which is a bit puzzling because usually I can talk up a storm about nothing and almost everything and open up to people.
but lately, I just feel like a.. clam.

-

I'm feeling exhausted.
I haven't clocked so little sleep in a while

-

stupid teenage angst and identity crises.

(realised I forgot to talk about prom. it was quite fun because my only expectations of it was to take pictures and see people in nice clothes, which I manage to fulfil.
post prom after bored me for some reason.
it was one hell of a night)

and church camp tomorrow!
I am glad for that because I think I need some sort of a retreat to restore myself and my spiritual walk.

to come right back to the heart of it all..

I am seriously exhausted.
my legs feel like they are dropping off.
and this is all (LOOK BELOW)'s fault.






(he is wearing my glasses!)
for making me walk and walk when my poor legs were aching.
anyway, tired legs aside, it was good catching up and having fun doing just about absolutely nothing.
I've really missed just hanging comfortably.
probably the bestest friend I'll ever have :)


anyway today was a very 'bump into people' day.
I bumped into jame psy and raj and shuch and tits after eric left and hung out with them and daniel for abit.
and today I bumped into inez and steph and shi!
and while I was at hollandv Breko for bible study, I saw gab leeren kevin and kelly.

and bible study today was very good.
I can't fully express how glad I am to have had an assistant cell leader and friend like yasmine.
and friends like joan whom I can tell almost everything too and laugh til my sides hurt.

yasmine and i (joan didn't want to take a picture because..)


yea anyway I think the last week and maybe part of this week is seriously friends week!
I had great talks with mich eric daniel joan cass yasmine and I even had a great catchup with pq after having not spoken to him for almost two years!

ok, I think I'm really tired.
I'll just.. go now.

so today was the first time I had a sincerely good catch up with joan and cass, both whom I haven't had a proper talk with in ages.
and I've come to the conclusion that joan and I still are on the same wavelength on just about most levels because she's the only one that laughs at my stupid jokes.
and with cass, it's the everlasting trust and comfort, where I don't have to talk to her often but we always talk up a real storm when we actually do.

I think this has been a week of friendships.
a week of answering the questions that lie thickly in the air, a week of tying loose ends and a week of realising that though many things change, I've got myself this set of real friendships that I want to keep and maintain for life.

in just a matter of months we'll be stepping out of the door and into a new phase of our lives.
and there's much trepidation and anxious attempts to close the many chapters of our past lives and secure the chains of relationships.
perhaps, I can't deny that a little part of me will always clamour for the good old days but if you don't move along with life, life will move on without you and whip you round.

and church recently has been quite good.
He has really answered :)

and you know, a couple of days ago when I was very bored and melancholy, I came up with a code and had wanted to post a sentence on my blog.
but I think after a few days of reflection, this is what I want to post instead.
(hurhur, to make it harder for you to decipher I'm going to join all the words up!)

jibwfgjobmmztffodmptvsf. qsbjtfcfuphpe.

:)

anyway, lately there seems to be lots of issues I'm grappling with.
I think in some ways I've reared up a defense mechanism which is to defend myself even when I know I'm partially wrong.
such as, if I know I've said something not so pleasant in response to something which I don't think is very pleasant either, I will defend myself, half knowing that I am partially wrong.
perhaps it's the mentality that if I give in, I'll have lost and the other party would think they are totally right.
I think I try to seek a balance in most things.
my most ideal conversation and sense of compromise is to admit I am wrong, but the other party has to do likewise.
but it usually isn't the case, resulting in me not admitting that I'm wrong when I know I am.

I think the whole issue of judgement is very touchy.
and I think it's something I don't think I can express cogently and coherently.
because, unknowingly, those who talk about judgement end up sounding very judgemental even when they don't mean to.
something I think I'm guilty of sometimes.

on a much less somber note, I BOUGHT SIX BOOKS TODAY!
and that makes me very happy.
books never ever fail you.
why?

1. if you ever get sick of them, you can always shut them up and chuck them in a corner.
2. there's always closure, or an ending.
3. there's nothing to hide because everything is in the book.
4. books empower you with knowledge.
5. and books never ever leave you (with the exception of my Elvis book. it disappeared all of a sudden)

anyway, nigel bought me something very embarrassing but I must admit I am secretly quite pleased!
ha ha ha :)

shuling cass joans and i (I like the way cass looks like she is bodyless)


joaaans! people say we look alike!


and I know I'm starting to sound like a broken recording about the blogger buttons, but they are really gone.
everyday I open blogger in hope that the buttons would miraculously materialize in front of me..

i think today is tops for most boring day of the holidays.
I..

-woke up at 12, had lunch and went straight back to sleep.
-woke up, played the guitar, went to my cousin's house to play more guitar.
-had dinner.
-came home and now I'm online.

and now the fingers of my left hand are hurting from all the guitar I've been playing.
yesterday I was feeling melancholy after I came home, so I played the guitar for two hours.
then in the dead of the night, when I was bored, I played the guitar from 12-3.
then today I played even more guitar.

all in my efforts to master Endless Rain; which I can't.
sometimes I wish I had longer, more nimble fingers.

anyway, Endless Rain is a song which makes me so darn emotional.
I listened to it over and over yesterday and could feel myself tearing.
and after that when I was having a sort of heart to heart with michelle, I started tearing as well.
but I'm glad I talked to mich last night, felt like I'd gotten a load off my chest.
I know my friends had to support me alot this year and it's always not easy supporting someone but they were all always there.

and it was kinda nice talking to my younger cousin today.
just talking to someone who has a completely different mindset, not in any delible way associated to my life.
everything felt so separate and different.
kind of refreshing.

anyway, I was so bored.
I did this.



THIS IS FOR YOUU MY GIRLIEES! :)

blogger is seriously annoying the shit out of me with the buttons going MIA.
and I think I need need to clock more hours of sleep, my eyebags are now currently bigger than my eyes.

today I had breakfast with daniel and we had a good catch up.
lunch with my mom after and it was another session of good conversation.
lately, I like talking to my mom more and more.
I've always loved to talk to her, but somehow nowadays I really love talking to her.
I think I've been bitten by the Christmas bug cause today I started Christmas shopping!
I realised I love scouting for appropriate presents for people.
it makes me really happy somehow :)
AND I BUMPED INTO BETTY!

and lately, I don't really feel like buying things for myself.(michelle, ARE YOU READING THIS?)

and I can't wait for lols to get back.
jameschee is back, so once lols gets back from camp we'll be ROLLIN' WITH THE HOMIIEEEES!

ohwell, lately everything seems to be in a mess.
there doesn't seem to be any sense of direction and I'm wading through a murky haze.
I can't wait for it to clear up.
but in the midst of everything, in God I trust :)
quiet time lately has been all about waiting and trusting for better things.
and like yasmine says, good things are always worth waiting for.
so I'll wait.

but I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired

blogger is damn screwed up.
where are all my colour buttons and bold and italics and.. and things?!
anyway, I couldn't get into blogger all day so I couldn't blog so this is a

LATE HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO LAURA CHIA WENYI (1st DECEMBER!) MY SHOPPING BUDDY, CONFIDANT, FRIEND, AAGIRL AND MUCHMUCH MOREE!
we've only gotten closer in the last two years but you've become one of my closest friends and I can't imagine life without you! all the heart to hearts, shopping trips and girly outings :)
I love you laura, here's to many many more birthdays with you til we're old and greying with half a leg in the grave

anyway, today I met jin and hwh for lunch at Toast!
I lost my sense of direction, so I ended up bringing them round and round taka for quite a while.
and it was quite funny cause there were these two table hoggers behind us (two women occupied like what, FIVE seats?! jin hwh and i had to sit at a booth, three in a row triple ZZZ) and they had a pretty amusing conversation.
plus, hwh was having an imaginary conversation with them.

woman 1: you know, people say I look like I'm 21.. (she doesn't by the way)
hwh: oh really?
woman 2 or 1 (i've no idea): and this other girl she was so irritating..
hwh: ohhh i seee..

and I don't remember me being so shit at air hockey.
today, jin swiped hwh and i at a very embarrassing score of.. (I forget, genuinely!)
and hwh cleaned me out with a score of again, I forget.
and it was my first time playing Virtua Tennis today.
that I like alot, even though I wasn't too good at it.

anyway, this is really out of point but I came home with a splitting headache.
so I went to.. sleep.

things are getting really slow nowadays.
everyday I wonder what I'll be doing the next day.
it's getting rather suffocating.