rainy days make my bones ache and nose/throat clog up.
actually my nose/throat clogs up all the time.
i must force my mother to let me get it checked.
she absolutely refuses to.
and it's severely getting to me for i am in a permanent state of breathlessness and sniffling and spitting.
very inconvenient and uncomfortable.

today felt like a short relaxed day stretched and pulled very very slowly.
so it didn't feel short or very relaxing.
i was itching to go home and sleep.

but then, i like school.
because jamie's ipod has alot of nice oldies, the aagirls make me laugh, the aaboys make me laugh and i like lit and tan cc.

just a thought: to be consumed by bitterness, i think it's quite pathetic and pitiful.
i know it's a very d-uh statement but i think i'm seeing it with my very own eyes now.
i can't decide how i feel about it.
very disgusted but sympathetic at the same time.
not a good combination.

i have alot of gp to do.
but i'm feeling very distracted and unsettled.

anyway..

nationals coming in three days!
i can't decide if i'm excited or not.

maybe on the 13th i will be.

school is getting quite good!
everything and everyone is getting better.
lit is getting really good, tancc has always been good getting better too and math, well even though i fail, its quite relaxing and the tutor helps me some.

and for some reason the only thing i can think of is shaun kok's song while we were singing at the lift lobby today.

me: (singing) why does the sun go on shining? why does the sea rush to shore? oh don't they know it's the end of the world when you don't love me anymoreeee...
matt: GN? what you singing? (starts singing to himself)
shaunkok: why does mattwan go on singing? when his voice is worse than mine? oh don't he know it's the end of the world when he opens his mouth to sing a songggg...
me: HAHAHAAHAHAH!

and it's seriously been stuck in my head all day.

I. MISS. KTVING.
I. NEED. TO. KTV.

and..
my heart feels very messy.

today was much better than expected.
i spent the whole night tossing and turning and woke up 2hours (!!!) before my alarm clock rang.
so from the time i brushed my teeth till i left the house, i had plenty of time to think and pack my bag and do my quiet time.

and i was still feeling like crap periodically but the usual recess/lunch with the AAgirls cheered me up immensely.
with jamie's very anti-climax story and.. i can't remember what else.
i just remember laughing a whole lot.
oh and mich's cereal.
it was really the first time i'd seen anyone eat cereal that way.

watching the AC/HC waterpolo game today made me think about our upcoming hwachong game.
playing at yiochukang is not a very conducive environment.
the courts have slippery floors and muted sounds.
and i want supporters.
but the space at yiochukang is MEASLY.
and everyone would have to stand.

tomorrow we're going to kallang to support the MG/SC match.
i feel really guilty now saying that i hope MG wins, since SC is part of the AC squash family.
and i truly feel it!
huijuan peizhen fongchi iris michleong and tingwen, i've grown to really really like them!
they're definitely different from the people i knew in MG squash but i think we've got quite a special bond.
and in a way, i want them to be winners too.

it's funny how SC used to be our biggest rival.
and how alienated i thought i'd feel being the only MG girl amongst SC squashies.
but then it turned out quite differently.
huijuan whom i always (both cdiv and bdiv) met during nationals has become a friend.
and even sihua who's nemesis was mich.
now they are VERY VERY good friends!
which kind of amazes me because mich is noisy and wails like a siren and sihua is quiet like a mouse.
but i guess they rub off on each other which makes them quite a neat pair.

and i'm not looking too forward to training at kallang tomorrow.
i have this secret fear about kallang.
because the only time i ever went kallang was for squash games.
so every time i see kallang, my stomach turns over a couple of times.
and kallang is always full of squash people.
and you know how there are somebodies and nobodies in squash.
well kallang was always full of somebodies and somebody-wannabes and i'm clearly a nobody.
but i think kallang has the best courts to play in.
the courts are bright and the floor isn't slippery.
and the courts have a brilliant echo.
makes me feel very powerful.

and i'm talking very incoherently.
i guess my point of all that squash rambling is that i'm quite excited squash season is coming.

and the jellies sold quite well today :)
THANK YOU FOR THE SUPPORT! PLS CONTINUE TO SUPPORT US!
although i received a couple of comments that they
a) weren't nice
b) looked like something out of fear factor
but tim said mine looked the most presentable! :)

okay i'm talking shit.
and I REALLY HOPE MG WINS TOMORROWWWW!!!!!!!!

slept the whole day away because i felt seriously unwell.
it's quite an irritating feeling, really.
i wanted to get out of bed because my head was turning into a block of wood from lying prone for too long but yet everytime i got out of bed i felt like shit so i just went straight back to bed.

but then eventually i think boredom and newfound zest (i wonder how long it will last) overrode fatigue and listlessness so i climbed out of bed to do my e4.
lately, i've been finding it hard to form words or phrases to articulate my thoughts.
so e4 was a chore!
since mrscreffield wants all themes and ideas in elegant phrases, i had a real hard time crafting my ideas into words :(

hurhur, maybe i'm suffering from repression.

anyway i've been having these urges to read all my e4 books.
since all the other books i have in my possession are the dramamama and tempestuous lives of those who live to love or create conflict, i don't think that sits very well with my aching heart.

so i think it is a very good idea to read my e4 books.
horrors of war and the past.
no visible linkage to present day life of mundane troubles and the magnitude of WW1, WW2, American Civil War, etc etc would certainly make my measly problem as tiny as an ant.
as a plus point, i'd be more prepared during e4 classes :)

i think i should have joined the ktv gang for ktv today.
but i joined them in spirit by sitting in front of my computer with jay blasting from the speakers and jay-chou.net on my screen belting out song after song.
singing is such bittersweet catharsis.
but i much prefer the company of my happy ktv-ers.

and the rain outside is making me feel lonelier than usual.
you know how the rain makes you feel shut in your own tiny little cubicle of space and cut off from the world outside?
well, i guess that feels okay if you're in need of solitude and sleep (something i've had too much of in the last few hours).
but right now, the last thing i need is solitude.
the pitter patter of rain is drumming my loneliness into my head.

but i guess it's God's way of showing He's crying with me :')

anyway i am off to make konnykuwa (err.. however you spell it) jelly with my mom now for squash fundraising.
all the AC people out there, PLS BUY JELLY FROM THE SQUASH TEAM THIS WEEK! IT COMES IN RED BLUE and GOLD (err yellow?) so come down to the canteen to buy your pack of ACJELLY!
i guarantee you, it's very good!

pls pls pls, buy ok?
poor squash team needs the money :(

oh yes and i added two new albums.

it's under cny&vday and merrymarch

i think the best kind of days are those that take you by surprise.
i thought yesterday would be the worst kind of day, with all kinds of goodies planned but too many of them til you don't wish to have any of them.
but the negative bits of it disappeared and i ended up with a pretty nice time.

church was quite good.
what on earth are you doing?
that is true, something i've asked myself constantly.
i haven't come up with any answers yet.
even right now, perhaps more so, more vehemently, i'm asking myself WHAT ARE YOU DOOOOOOOOOING!

lunch with the small group followed by a little bit of shopping on my own which always makes me happy and takes my mind off things.

and spongebob.. I HAVE NO COMMENTS.
it wasn't bad, but it certainly wasn't good.
i feels like $8.50 has just flown away. :(

and then i wasn't intending to shop anymore (i purposely didn't bring a lot of money out) but then laura said oh let's check out the missy b bag sale.
so i went oh okay.
and in the end i came out with two bags :/

and dinner at marche was really good. thanks jamie!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAMIE CHEE HOI YEN OUR CUTE AND SEXY AAGIRL! (ps her birthday was on the 24th not 26th).
and HAPPY BIRTHDAY TURRRRTLE OUR FAVOURITE HONARARY AAGIRL! (ps his birthday is on the 24th too)

i think this year is another year of change.
i made some pretty fast friends (AAGIRLS!) and i'm really more grateful than you can imagine.
it seems pretty queer how we all weren't very close or didn't know each other at all in secondary school, but just about a year together, and i regard them as one of my closest friends.

i guess in some ways they will never understand you the way old friends do.
but the way they understand you for your new self, the changes that the years have brought along with you, is the best relief of all.
it's no holds barred understanding.

ohwell, there's this feeling of dejavu all around now.
i've felt this all before, i've been through this before.
and it doesn't make me any more knowledgeable or anymore adept at handling the situation.
the only thing it has done is make me hope and pray that it won't end up like it did before.

i crawled into bed last night thinking it was 12 when it was only 10.
but somehow knowing it was only 10 didn't deter me from making my way under the sheets because i knew i needed the bed for more reasons than plain weariness.

there's something so comforting about beds.
not just beds, but lying under the quilt; safe and warm, cocooned by warmth and the familiar smell of your sheets.
probably something to do with the innate security that lies within me, but anyhow, i really appreciated the bed last night.

i've lain on that same bed for 15 years now.
and it's seen me through bed-wetting, nightmares, good dreams, eye-ruining moments (i used to lie in bed with a torch and book because it was my bedtime but i wanted to read), life-changing messages, prayers, tears and okay, you get the idea.

and now i'm wondering why i spent the last three paragraphs rambling about my bed when what i actually wanted to say is that i find my moods fluctuating oddly but i'm feeling rather serene because i've sort of come to terms with my extreme behaviour.

anyway, the bed was great.
and just another random thought.
why is it i never seem to say what i think about saying?
i think my answer is: for the greater good

okay so i suppose i'm feeling abit better.
although i'm still harbouring very petty thoughts that make me feel supremely childish but yet totally in the right.
which is a yes no yes no, i cannot make up my mind!

and you see such extreme fluctuations in mood has led me to consider some very rash course of action.
which in my mind seemed very logical and mature at that point of time, but now that i'm scrabbling out of this attention-deprived abyss, i know, and i repeat, I KNOW, i will live to regret it.

and i'm trying very hard to blog in such a way so that i can
a) express myself to let out that steeeeeeeeam.
b) not let everyone know what i'm talking about
but
c) still remember what i was talking about in this post when i look back on it in say about two months on.

oh gosh i am feeling fruuuuustraaaaaatedd.
like its bubbling to the tip of my mouth so i have a strong urge to say something bold, audacious, that will change my life, just so i can let out steam!
but it is so. not. worth. it.

and i don't make much sense.
because i never think sense.

and oh noo i think i'm going abit crazy..
:(

feeling abit melancholy of late.
i realised the more i want to reach out, the further i back away.
kind of like a spring action, you stretch yourself so far you spring back much further than you intended to.

i feel very much like a tight coil right now.
i'm just waiting for something to unwind me.

i fear voicing out my thoughts or penning them down in print.
once said, i can never retract it back (unless it's one of those blogger posts that i can immediately delete before anyone sees it. but then what's the point of writing it?).
and once said, i fear my unfounded worries will materialise.
a million and one thoughts, plans and conclusions run through my head everyday, but i just can't say them.
even if i wanted to, i doubt my voice box would let me. (speaking of my voice box, it's suddenly gone really bad)

eeeurgh my need for attention disgusts me.
!!!!

everything seems to have meshed itself into this measly one week of a holiday i feel like i don't have time to breathe.
and i really shouldn't be blogging because
1. i have an e8 essay to do
2. i have a gp essay to do
3. i have an e4 lit paragraph to rewrite
4. i have an econs case study question to attempt

subconsciously, i've put them all in order of importance.

this week has been eventful without meaning to be eventful.
i think i prefer boring mundane weeks.
even if it means going to school five times a week.
on a celebratory note, NO MORE WEIGHTS TRAINING!
NO MORE 2.4 FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!

sometimes i wish i could read people's minds.
i think out of all the possible superhero traits i could have, i would want to be able to read people mind's.
i want to know what makes people tick.
i want to know what compels them to do the things they do.
i want to have a good reason to quell my anger towards them or justify my annoyance.
lately, i've been wondering what on earth people's brain wheels have been generating.
or just a selective few.

out of this messy week and incoherent thoughts, i've plucked out a few notable things.
1. sue's house with the AAgirls, good food and good convo :) probably the highlight of it all
2. first proper talk with eric all week

20 more days.
so near yet so far.
i am feeling the slightest bit melancholy
:(
:(
:(

i am feeling very very pleased :)

although squash camp was tiring, i must say i enjoyed myself thoroughly.
and the plus point of my enjoyment is that for once in my year of being squash captain, i actually feel proud of what i've done for the team.
in this case, THE CAMP.

you know how there's the feeling of good sweating and bad sweating?
good sweating where you've perspired a whole lot but you feel tons healthier and worked out.
and bad sweating where you're tired, not perspiring alot and dreading whatever you're doing.
anyway every single training poured out good sweat :)
court training in the morning, physical in the afternoon, i must say we had a pretty good workout.

and we stuffed ourselves silly!
without spending TOO much.
thanks to the grand plan of spending our free night at tingwen's house where we had a hot shower (HURRAY FOR THIS!) and a free meal.
and tingwen's room is like a shoe shop.
she hooks all her shoes on her shelf and she has dozens of shoes!
so i happily tried them on while waiting for my turn in the shower.
although i must say, i don't even know how she manages to walk in some of them.
i was tottering VERY unsteadily in some of them and they cramped my foot so bad :(

and followed by good dinners on tuesday and wednesday at Crystal Jade and Spizza respectively :)
thumbs up for GOOD FOOD!
anyway all our free time was spent playing bridge and snacking on bread and nutella and strawberries.

oh and i know this post is written in a very haphazard manner but i must mention Hide and Seek.
sihua and i both loathe hide and seek cause we hate the dark and we hate the suspense.
so since we all paired up to hide, sihua and i hid with the intention of being found easily.
so we hid behind the soccer goal posts which was in front of a row of lockers and it was right next to the base room (where the seekers were waiting for the hiders to hide) in a fairly well-lit place.
and several times people walked right past us without seeing us!
so we spent a pretty long time on that dirty cement discussing canoeing, wars, lizards, cramped legs and you get the idea.
and we were joking about how we might actually be the winners of hide and seek and you know what?
WE WERE!!!!
tingwen called and said, "where are you? we can't find you! you are the winners lah!"
and we just couldn't stop laughing because for two people who loathe hide and seek and hid with the intention of being found, i must say we are preeetty good hiders :)

and waterpolo was very good too!
mr koh joined our team and we beat them with a very neat score of 27-16.
mr koh surprised me with his aggressiveness.
on court he's so cool and calm, gliding around easily and hitting good shots.
and today in the pool, whenever he was marking any guy and the guy had the ball he would hook his arms round the guy's waist and neck and thrash him around in the water until the guy let go of the ball!!
so obviously nobody wanted to mark mr koh.
anyway i had so much fun camping out at the goal post and scoring goals :)
and we also had a little relay on those gigantic pony and seal floats paddling like mad across the water.

okay i seriously hate the manner i'm blogging in now because there's no head or tail to my post and i sound like a retard describing whatever i did but i know i MUST blog about camp or i'll forget it.
and since i had such a good time i must note it down.

ohwell i realised i'll be going to school every single day of the holidays.
i have no idea what to make out of it.
hmm, will be doing napfa test this saturday.
I MUST BRACE MYSELF.

anyway praise God for how He's blessed me
All things are possible through Christ who strengthens me :)

today is what i call a true blog-worthy day.
for the SECOND time in the year, we've encountered problems at lido!

we bought tickets for the 3.15 show for Lemony Snickets: A Series of Unfortunate Events (talk about the significance and coincidence) and 10 minutes into our movie, an angmoh lady with her entourage of kids (there were 15 of them) came bustling in and there was a mini commotion about why weren't there enough seats.

so this very rude lady shoved her head in between our rows (sue mich and laura were sitting in one row, rage jame and i in another) and demanded, "SHOW ME YOUR TICKETS!"
we were very taken aback.
it was a very 'what the hell' moment.
and in our confusion, we checked our tickets and the seats were right!
so we sat back down and she continued with her mini commotion before tapping me (it was a hard tap!) and saying VERY VERY rudely, "i bought these seats. ONE, TWO, THREE, GET OUT!"
FUMING!
ANGER!
RAAAAAAGE!
so anyway i was very angry and confused but the ticket man made us all go out so fine we went out.
and the woman ran out after us pointing a finger and going, "Don't you dare do that again, you horrible little things!"

GROWWWWWWWWWWL.
thats all i can say seriously.
words could not express how i felt.
so i growled. i seriously growled.
and jame, the cool composed one managed an "excuse me!" before stalking off.
well done jamie.
GRR.

and anyway the lido manager, the one who called mich 'yaya' previously, was even more annoying than ever!
not only did he refuse to take the blame, with his constant "don't blame me! why you blame me!" he blamed the MACHINE and he blamed US for not checking the tickets.
which okay granted is kind of our fault but after that he said "The machine has been issuing wrong tickets all day" so FINE since he knew it was faulty why didn't he do anything about it!
GRR.

okay i know i'm not making much sense but ohwell i'm feeling pretty subdued already.
and i think i need to start a new budget plan.

and i have completely lost my train of thought.

and training today was very good.
albeit tiring.

and i stink.

okay, actually i didn't have a very good time blogging about this blogworthy incident because i relayed it so many times (my mother, my father, the boys, tiff), the more i hear it, the funnier it sounds.
but i really was genuinely angry.

WEIGHTS TMR ARRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHH!

my save money plan hasn't been progressing very well because i seem to find myself perpetually broke and hungry all the time.
and my coin fund is depleting at an alarming rate.
it used to be full.
now it's.. barely full.
and because i'm starving most of the time, i have been reduced to a leftovers scavenger.
even for my standards (i'm normally a scavenger, not a leftovers scavenger), i think that's pretty low.
sopping up laura and mich's leftover noodle's and tearing at raj's leftover prata is NOT a pretty sight.
i must have abit more self-respect!

after having not blogged for ages i feel blog-reticient.
but i guess what i wanna say is a very integral part of my life, and more so this week, is God.

i was having a pretty damn awful week (and last week) and running a short fuse.
i was very, and i mean, very frustrated.
and tired.

and earlier in the last week i'd come across this really brilliant verse and i really felt God speaking to me.
"Now, the Lord be with you, and may you have success and build the hosue of the Lord your God, as he said you would. May the Lord give you discretion and understanding when He puts you in command, so that you may keep the law of the Lord your God. Then you will have success if you are careful to observe the decrees and laws that the Lord gave Moses for Israel. Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or discouraged." 1 Chronicles 22:11-13
and i felt empowered for like.. a day.
or maybe two.

and then the exhaustion poured in all over again coupled with external things to set me off and i truly felt like throwing in the towel and hibernating in bed.

anyway sunday's small group session was learning how to hear God and i admit i am VERY bad at this.
and i get very frustrated when i can't seem to get direct advice from Him.
i feel like i'm talking to nobody.
and even though a relationship with God is supposed to be spiritual, i realised it actually is quite technical in a sense.
and i guess most people have the misconception that a relationship with God is supposed to be a universal friendship with universal methods.
i mean because to most people technique makes them feel like they're cramping their style.

but i learnt that to listen to God, you have to be really quiet.
there's so much emphasis on prayer i.e. talking.
and so sometimes when we pray to Him we just talk and talk and talk and pray and pray and pray and say see! i am having a relationship with God. i prayed. what am i doing wrong? i prayed! but why doesn't God answer my prayer?

you know how before mass prayer, someone always tells you to quieten your heart?
well i've heard it so often it kind of became a catch phrase, the right thing to say before a prayer.
sort of like oh let's bow our heads and pray, or in Jesus most precious name we pray Amen.
and after years of being a Christian, i finally know what quieten your heart really means.

and it literally means that.
quieten your heart.
when i blanked out (well not really blanked out, but you get what i mean clearing my head of niggling problems) and just kept really quiet at the end of my prayer i felt this sudden peace.
and i didn't get any answers from God.
except the words "Rest, shumin, rest" reverberating in my head.
and, i kid you not, it didn't sound like my voice.
and i felt really good, like i was going to doze off.
well not doze off, as in slip into slumber, but the feeling you get when you're relaxed.
you know, just before you really fall asleep and you're all snuggled up in bed?

and i kept wondering am i supposed to end my prayer now?
because i couldn't possibly just sit there with my head hanging low and 'rest' the whole while right?
and everytime those thoughts entered my head, the same old voice went "no it's okay. JUST REST."
and okay so i did.
and when i said Amen, i really felt rejuvenated!

and so yasmine later told me that in her own quiet time with God (she was praying for me before that), she felt God telling her that i should obey.
"Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying, 'This is the way; walk in it.'"
Isaiah 30:21

and for a moment i was a little confused because obedience never really pushed itself into the picture.

and so at the beginning of the week, i felt the strain of external events and my own frustrations taking its toll on me.
and, ahah!
i was doing my quiet time and look what i came across.
"Is not the Lord your God with you? And has he not granted you rest on every side?... Now devote your heart and soul to seeking the Lord your God."
1 Chronicles 22:18-19
and guess what my devotional book was on?
OBEDIENCE TO THE TRUTH OF THE WORDDDDD!

and everything started to fall into place.
i thought i was seeking God.
i wasn't.
i was seeking a solution, an escape to my problems.

but then i realised there is no solution, no escape, to my problems because that was the postion, the role, the place that God put me in.
i didn't like it because it went against my way and i wanted out.
which was why even though i felt empowered by little snippets of verses that i read, it only lasted for that teensy little bit of time because i saw it as a way out.

and i finally saw where obedience came in.
i had to obey Him, the role that He put me in.
anyway i accepted it and i tried pushing myself and you know what?
it actually wasn't that bad!
i felt pretty good actually :)

and because i sought Him before i embarked on my quest of obedience (it was really quite hard, trust me, i wanted to just give up and it was so easy because.. well i was practically on the verge of) and in the end, it turned out pretty well.
and thinking about it, yes, God has granted me rest!
but because of my stupidity and disobedience (i just kept fighting God you see, that wore me out), i found no rest.

and so what i wanna say is basically, after your prayer, before you say Amen, just be quiet before God and just enjoy being in His presence!
i mean imagine if God was a friend in flesh and you just kept talking and never kept quiet to hear what they had to say, it would be pretty annoying.
so yes, just be quiet before Him and enjoy his presence!
and after you've heard Him (be it His voice in your head, verses in the Bible, advice from friends who have sought Him, etc), remember to obey!
because..
to be happy in Jesus..
is to trust and obey!
:)

time zips by so fast i don't know where it goes.
other than a fantastic dinner and a wonderful phonecall, everything else is beyond my recollection.
i really think i need to up my productivity.

sometimes i wonder why don't i love certain things anymore.
i was just reading someone's blog and this particular person has loved this particular thing (okay i know i don't make much sense but bear with me please) for AGES and her love and passion doesn't seem to be waning the least bit.
and the more i see and hear how much time and energy she invests in it as a result of her immense love and passion, the less i seem to have interest in that particular something (which i used to have but mine's waning considerably).

in fact i think i am flabbergasted at the way she can devote her entire being to it!
it's almost as though that aspect of her life is encased in a glass box and i'm just peering into it thinking how dumb she is to pour her youth and time into that glass box doing what she evidently loves to do and perceives to be of utmost importance.
i think that is very much her world.

and the more i take a look at her world, the more i want to retract from it because i don't wish to get sucked into the same little glass box.
well, for that matter, i don't think i'll ever get sucked in plainly because she is very much out of my league and much more disciplined and cleverer than me.
thus, she is able to devote so much time to her passion without jeopardizing her education.

on the other hand, i think i just wrote out all the crap above to justify my laziness and inadequacies.
i honestly don't think she's pathetic in her little glass box.
i quite admire her focus and determination and passion.
it's me that's pathetic.
i can't even will myself to commit to whatever i've landed myself into.

but i read a very encouraging verse that day.
i feel renewed strength and even though i think i'm running on battery low now, i think i'll charge up soon on God's charger.

oh yes my very first combined founders day today and i was so overwhelmed by the vast number of boys and engulfed by waves of what i can only call the boys' smell.
it's just this scent that all school boys (especially those from boys schools) secrete and it's not overpoweringly unpleasant, but it's not particulary pleasant either and anyway today, it was EVERYWHERE!
but these little details aside, i was very much awed by the scale as to which ac would conduct their combined founders day and i felt very proud to be an acsian today :)
i mean i'm always proud to be an acsian but today i was beaming with pride.
well.. sort of beaming.
and primary school boys are super cute. they were waving around this banner that said "HAPPY 119TH BIRTHDAY ACS! WE ARE VERY PROUD OF YOU" or something like that.

i wish i had a younger brother.