So it's new year's eve again and yet another year has flown by in rapid succession and somehow I feel as though it's important to blog on the last day of the year for sentiment sake.
So when I read my blog again on this very day next year I'll know what it felt like when I stepped into the year and how I've lived it.
Sometimes I don't get what's the big deal of new year's eve because a new year always meant another year at school, another year of trying to attain the desired grades, another year of growing older.
But now to me, a new year in all its traditional cliched manner, means a year to leave the old behind, to learn and start anew and also, a year of fear.
Fear of letting go, fear of change, fear of constancy, fear of hurt, fear of mistakes, fear of loss.

And with a whole can of fears opened before me, at the threshold of the new year, more than ever, I want to leave these fears behind.
Yesterday, someone told me that she kept reading books and reading the bible because only when she focussed on God did she feel as though she could block out the silly, painful thoughts that seeped into her head.
So, right now, I just want to prepare my heart for tonight, prepare for a time of complete surrender, complete empowerment and complete love.

I want 2007 to be a year of love.

To taste, experience and understand that love, to let it manifest within me and overflow, to teach me to obey, to teach me to trust, to teach me to love, to teach me to throw away my old, dirty, terrible self and learn to be like Him, because God is love.

Today the nail on my third toe cracked in half and it hurts everytime I touch it or when the loose edge happens to catch on to something.
And today, I spent a good half hour searching for my scissors because I needed to wrap a present up; it released an almost latent frenetic frustration right up to the tips of my hairs.
I also couldn't find my favourite pair of earrings today and until now I still haven't found them; if I don't find them soon I'll be pretty upset because they're practically the only earrings I wear if I do wear earrings.

Lately I find myself more acutely tuned to these trifling but very irritating things because the analogies for my life now would be made up of broken toenails and misplaced scissors and earrings.
They're so small and minute but has this niggling ability to keep me on the tip of my toes and can only be described by a succint argh.

You know, big things hurt a whole lot but then yet even a tiny discomfort hardly goes unnoticeable.
Sometimes I feel like I need a taste of perfection or anything near perfection because I'm a little sick of disorderly monotony.
But like they say, when you're down the only way is up, up and up.
So on the up side, I can quite safely say from a whole year ago, I'm going up :)

Anyway, HAPPY BIRTHDAY KRENNNN! :) Miss 2-days-older-than-me

I'd swim across Lake Michigan
I'd sell my shoes
I'd give my body to be back again
In the rest of the room

To be alone with you
To be alone with you
To be alone with you
To be alone with you

You gave your body to the lonely
They took your clothes
You gave up a wife and a family
You gave your ghost
To be alone with me
To be alone with me

To be alone with me
You went up on a tree
I've never known a man who loved me

-

I'd actually written a whole heady chunk of emo mumbojumbo around how Christmas seems to have lost its lustre and as this song drummed itself into my head, it hit me how self-centred, hypocritical and forgetful I've been! :(

Whining about the comparative Christmases and weighing it across the years from much coveted polly pockets to the sweet golden highs dipping into mere effortful hype when just days ago I was talking about being reminded of God's love through Jesus Christ.
The roll of parties and facades came and swept me up into a whirlwind of forgetfulness and ungratefulness when Christmas is about the birth of Christ!
Forgive me, Lord :(

Anyway it snowballed to hours of (yes its 5am and I'm still up) scouring through forums and comments and as religious debates and views flew down the screen, again I was reminded of how we can sometimes be so quick to judge.
"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank on your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." -Matthew 7:3-5

I want it to be all about You again, to be alone with You.

-

(EDIT)

Anyway, last night Laura and I headed over to Mich's to watch High School Musical! Which Laura has watched 11 times by the way.
Then we started getting trigger happy with my camera and Michelle's macbook.
Good times, indeedy.
I Y my friends :)

Harhar, Sadako horror














kawaaaaii














we like to look normal once in a while














I even scare myself in this one














the headless and the (cute&sexy) ASS

MERRY CHRISTMAS everybody!

To a smashingly good Christmas Eve!

Yay, the best time of the year is here!
To christmas carols, turkey, crackers, green&red and most of all the love of God, family and friends :)
I spent the last week scouring for last minute Christmas presents and happily wrapping them up in very unfestive brown paper; and as much as I adore brown recycled paper, I think I might invest in colourful Christmas wrapping paper next year and adorn all the presents with ribbons and whatnot because it just looks so CHRISTMASSY!
But everything aside, I'm so glad Christmas is here and this week is just gonna get better :)

Anyway, pictures of the last week!

Have a merry merry Christmas everyone :)

I AM A LUMP.
I AM A LUMP.
I AM A LUMP.
Sniff :(

I need to go on a strict diet and exercise regime and I don't believe I've said it and meant it seriously before but I really think I do. Like, now.
Christmas is rolling in and as much as I absolutely adore and love this festive period, it also means more food which I love but I hate the way it ends up on.. well yknow :(

In a very snappy slip-shod update fashion, it was shopping with the family on Thursday (P for PRESENTS) and met Jin for a very nice dinner (thanks Jin) and foolish impulsiveness on my part because... I came home with $43 dollars worth of leafy streamers, fake berries, a glittery star and... fairy lights; in my ambitious attempt to make my own err... Christmas tree :(
Which didn't really materialise at all, and I ended up making a 3D looking picture of a Christmas tree using the materials bought on a silly whim.
And I strung the fairy lights (which are in series by the way, so one light blows, ALL GO) around the railings of the house and okay, the house does look rather pretty all lighted up.
Thennnnn, today (or yesterday more like) was more shopping before meeting Liwen and Michelle Ho for sushi; very good catching up with them.

And no pictures too because I've been too lazy to bring my camera out or even start snapping away... but I will soon.
After all it's Christmas and we all certainly want lots and lots and lots of visuals because we all want to capture such lovely memories of the best time of the year!
Sooo.. yes.

Okay thanks bye.

Har har I think I've turned into liquid smush from the last two days of pouring rain.
Anyway, today was a good day even though I spent it in my grotty pjs and didn't step out of the house because the sun came up.
And also the people came to fix my a/c (hooray, hooray!) which means no more stifling hot nights of insomnia.
But yes, the best part of today was that Laura and I finished the entire first season of Prison Break!

I <3 Prison Break

I neeeed to get my hands on Season 2.

You know, I'm actually feeling quite disgusted.
Like a til-I-wanna-throw-up kind of disgusted.
It's even giving me nightmares and I'm absolutely recoiling at the fact that... it is a fact and I only wish it were fiction and can relegate it into oblivious non-existence.
I feel like shooting my mouth off and speaking my mind and letting it all tumble out in verbal wastage, OUT OF MY SYSTEM.
YUCK YUCK YUCK.

YUCK.
In Jesus' name, AWAY FROM ME.

-
(edit)

Was praying and reading the bible earlier, feeling absolutely crap with the bile rising to my throat, and God showed me in the book of John the death of Jesus:


"Later, knowing that all was now completed, and so that the Scripture would be fulfilled, Jesus said, "I am thirsty." A jar of wine vinegar was there, so they soaked a sponge in it, put the sponge on a stalk of the hyssop plant, and lifted it to Jesus' lips. When he had received the drink, Jesus said, "It is finished." With that, he bowed his head and gave up his spirit."
- John 19:28-30

And then reading on to Jesus' resurrection and when He appeared to His disciples, he told them, "Peace be with you! As the Father has sent me, I am sending you... Receive the Holy Spirit."


And reading further on in John 21:15-17, it says:

"When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, "Simon son of John, do you truly love me more than these?"
"Yes Lord," he said, "you know that I love you."
Jesus said, "Feed my lambs."
Again Jesus said, "Simon son of John, do you truly love me?" He answered, "Yes Lord, you know that I love you."

Jesus said, "Take care of my sheep."
The third time he said to him, "Simon son of John, do you love me?"
Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, "Do you love me?" He said, "Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you."
Jesus said, "Feed my sheep."


I really thank God for revealing His word and His forgiveness to me.
It was a reminder that sometimes, even though we know that our sins have been forgiven through the blood of Jesus Christ, we let unworthiness and fear and uncertainty seep into us.
Especially when we come into the presence of God, we feel fear and rejection and we need His encouragement: PEACE BE WITH YOU!

And I just thank God for his revelation of His forgiveness and grace also through Peter, the one who rejected Jesus three times, but Jesus reinstated in the end.
Many times, we reject Jesus through our actions and we feel such remorse and come before Him to repent and we desperately cry out to Him that we love Him over and over feeling the need to cry out because we're afraid He wouldn't forgive us, forgetting that "It is finished"!
That not only are our sins forgiven and we can come to God in repentance, but that we can move on in our new lives and carry out the work and plan that God has prepared.

I was praying earnestly the last few days for new convictions of His love, because I felt like I was drying out and I wanted to be convicted of His love again because God is love and our continual source of strength.
And I thank God for this because truly, this is the LOVE OF GOD!
That He sent His son Jesus Christ to die on the cross, that our sins may be forgiven and we always come to Him in repentance as He cleans up our lives and builds us up and showers us with His love and blessings.

CHRISTMAS - to celebrate the birth of Jesus, the greatest gift of love.

GUESS WHO'S BACK!
None other than:

Miss Soozie-Q
x o x o

...who is jetting off again in a couple of hours :(
But we had a little mini reunion of sorts at Island Creamery just for a couple of hours to chill and hang out; just like the good old days.
And I also discovered that Maccers puts up cute green tea signs ha ha




Hyuuuk!
It's a lazy Monday today with gloomy overcast skies that make my bones ache and my head almost liquid with monotonous drudgery.
There is a high level of inert dissatisfaction clouding the passing days and I'm itching for something (anything!) to happen to kickstart my activation energy and hurtle my festive holidays into a whirlwind of glittery pow wow and warm smushy luuuurve.

Well, because Christmas is the season of love, isn't it?
During the last slow and almost smog-like (not literally) days, been praying for renewed convictions of love, the first true passionate neverending love of God.
Sometimes the holidays sweep you into an endless string of meaningless activity and I want to return that meaning into the activities, to watch God sweep His way through my everyday life and be renewed by that love.

Anyway, HA HA, today silly Smokey got himself stuck in between the couches and my mother told me to leave him alone and see what he would do.
And she placed some food a good half metre away from the couch and giggled in hilarity as he struggled to get out of the crack between the couches.
HEE HEE, so cute :)

Vivian: People put you down and then you start to believe it
Edward: I think you are a very bright, very special woman
Vivian: The bad stuff is easier to believe, ever notice that?
- Pretty Woman

One of my old school favourites, the mother of romantic comedies with one of the sexiest old men around!
When I watched this scene, it reminded me that while the world puts me down, expectation weighs me down, there's that great big and mighty Mr. G our Father and Creator up there to remind me that I am special because like it says in Psalms 139:13-14:

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am wonderfully and fearfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

I awoke to a call this late morning which rearranged the minute perimeters in my head and I had this sudden urge to savour every little bit of this holiday that I'm having.
The languid afternoons of eclectic leftovers for lunch (hokkien mee and clam chowder!), with nothing more pressing than deciding what would be the choice of visual entertainment for the hour, lolling around in bed and thumbing through the television guide.
After two days, I'm getting so comfortably accustomed to such an insouciant lifestyle that the mere thought of doing anything mildly exertive (like changing out of my pjs and taking the bus) sends me into a mini panic attack.
Quite a disgustingly lazy thought, but I'd like to think it's the fogged out brain and germ-filled nostrils that has relegated me to such a mellow state.
Actually, I think it's true!
It's the flu, I tell you.

Of all noteworthy mentions, as I was lying bed last night, I felt a sliver of light slicing across my face; quite terribly distracting especially since I love sleeping in pitch darkness.
But very interestingly, it was the moon coincidentally and strategically positioned at the crack of my drawn curtains casting a clear and luminous blade of light, cutting across my face.
And the first thought that came to my mind was Roald Dahl's BFG (I think..?), because I vaguely remember that sliver of moonlight written on the first page, and for that reason (again I think.. or maybe it's Prison Break!!!!) it sent me into a night of farfetched and fanciful dreams littered with the odd specks of reality.
Very disconcerting.

At this moment, I'm feeling my capricious and scatter-brained self, wanting to grasp and capture everything however fleeting, wanting to hurtle headlong into a variety of activities, and just to let you know...
It's a very irritating feeling.

I feel like throwing myself into a television show and never coming out, because this onrush of useless thoughts and mad scrambling in my head is too much for my sick body to take.

I love television; such variety in a single-tracked vein :)

S I C K is not the way to go.
The bug of congested nasal passages, snuffly noses, croaky throats and the occasional (but ghastly) tummy upsets (which has me scuttling to the bathroom and throwing up dinner's contents; too much information I know I know) has hit!
Unfortunately.

Trifling matters aside, it's been a grrrreat weekend; very chill, very relaxing, but also very cash and energy consuming.
I am now currently very broke, very tired, sick, and uploading a whole bunch of photos that feature the same two people over and over again.
HARHAR, no prizes for guessing who.

Decemberfest at Gab's

Beer pong, indian poker, cardscardsandmorecards, winning11 and the like




The very chill Saturday

(where we spent a whole heap of moola on... things)





And the other very chill Sunday afternoon

(where we had a very budget home-cooked meal cooked by ME)

-

Look up, stay up

Look down, fall down

' But Moses said to God, "Who am I, that I should go to Pharoah and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?"

And God said, "I will be with you. And this will be the sign to you that it is I who have sent you: When you have brought the people out of Egypt, you will worship God on this mountain."

Moses said to God, "Suppose I go to the Israelites and say to them, 'The God of your fathers has sent me to you,' and they ask me, 'What is his name?' Then what shall I tell them?"

God said to Moses, "I am who I am. This is what you are to say to the Israelites: I am has sent me to you." '

Exodus 3:11-14

-

Sometimes I feel stretched thin, trying desperately to patch up the various areas of my life and hoping everything will miraculously hem themselves in seamlessly.
Feelings of inadequacies set in and I find myself too tired, too scared and too defeated to try.
I reach the point where I wonder if I should continue to dig deep or stretch wide and sometimes the mere thought of all that rubbery effort has me retracting back to my shell, preferring to touch the familiar and the convenient.
I feel insignificant, miniscule and lost along the way.

Then I read my bible.
And God reminded me again of the spirit of power, love and self-discipline he has manifested in my heart but merely waiting to be exercised through Moses.
Moses, doubtful of his inadequacies and shortcomings, was used so powerfully by God because he yielded himself to God's immeasurable, infinite and absolute power!

"I am who I am." Wow.
Can anyone say that with so much conviction and absolutely certainty?
When I read that in the passage, while comforted by God's encouragement, I wondered what exactly does God mean when he says, "I am who I am."?

I thought about all the other various references that was made to who and what God is in the bible and stuff like God is love, the Alpha and Omega/Beginning and the End, the Holy Trinity, Creator and as I prayed to Him for understanding, it suddenly struck me that all these references are manifested wholly in that statement, "I am who I am"!
Not merely manifested, but stated with absolute conviction, confidence and power.
Not plastered and patched with our own perceptions and intepretations of Him, but HE IS TRULY WHO HE IS, unchangable and constant and indeed, the everlasting God.

Reading that whole passage just made me think, WOW.

The powerful and loving God is in me, why should I fear?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY FIONA LIAW KEQIAN!



















Fiona, we've come a long way since the first time we met and the subsequent times we became good friends and you've always been such a comfortable and loyal friend that I can never do without.
You always try to understand me and sort through my problems with me and stuck it out with me through the good and the bad and not forgetting the shopping!
Despite us not meeting up very often, I can always confide in you and I just wanna tell you that you're such a real and wonderful friend and I honestly can't think of anyone that can replace you in my life :)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, I love you.

-

I remember at the beginning of second semester I told God that I wanted this semester to be different, I wanted to push forward and I wanted to emerge from the scaly shells of my past.
And while I plunged through the semester, dove into reckless things, perservered in prayer and was whipped by a whole maelstrom of things, I look back and indeed this semester has been different, I have pushed forward and through the shackles of problems I'm slowly emerging from my past.
But now that this semester is over, it's going to be different.
I'm going to stand on the rock of Jesus.

Church camp this year was very good in a very different way, but whatever it is, this time I felt love and empowerment.
I came home today and after self-medicating (I'm sick) and garnering some precious hours of sleep, I woke up feeling strange.
I had some sort of sudden panoramic reflection and I realised in this world of either-ors I had chosen Him and it's time to hurl everything else away because I am changing and being renewed each day.
And it scared me.

But church camp isn't separate from real life, God isn't separate from real life.
So as I sat in my little chair feeling a little frozen and lost, I remember the verse He laid on my heart in 2 Timothy 1:7
"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of POWER, of LOVE, and of SELF-DISCIPLINE."

And if we believe that our God is real, and that the Bible is His word, then we should believe what it says.
So, I believe it :)
I believe that His spirit is manifesting within us and we having this amazing ability to do things through Him, we have this amazing ability to love those around us, we have this amazing ability to control our unbecoming desires.
All these are possible with faith in Him!

I remember telling everyone at camp that we should learn to exercise our faith in everyday things because God is always around us everywhere we go, if only we'd just notice, listen and grab hold of it.
And now, almost immediately after camp, I find myself having to exercise this faith, to persevere in prayer, abide in Him and push forward.
Thank you God, I can feel my 'muscles' exercising :)


Nobody knows how weak I am
Better than You
Nobody sees all of my needs
Better than You

And nobody has the power to change me
To what I was born to be
Jesus be strong in my weakness
Empower me

(EDIT)

yknow what? Optimism, optimism, optimism!
I mean, hah, being melancholy is so unbecoming and I refuse to fall into the clutches that deathly emotion.
Someone just said something very cheesy, very cliche (ha ha sorry) but very uplifting (see, redeeming quality) and that is Smile, smile, smile.
And smile I will, because I like smiling.
:)

-

Maybe it's typical displacement blues setting in but I spent the whole day in my grotty home clothes sleeping and watching tele feeling strangely relaxed but restless all at the same time.
Sometimes I think I'm constantly searching; delving back, wondering and balancing the equations of my life which never seem to add up, and it frustrates me.
I feel like picking my memories apart and reconstructing it, making it easy on the mind's eye.
I want someone to talk to but yet it seems as though what I want to say is tumultuous and neverending and at the end of that whole stream of supposed verbal cartharsis, no purpose is served, no knots are tied up and nothing is achieved.
So, what exactly is the point?

I miss being giddily happy.
I'm happy; but not the kind of happiness that effuses you with an insuppressable flushed glow, makes your fingertips tingle and your heart sing, where you're bounding through the days with refreshed and tenacious energy.
It's been a long time since I last felt this way that I don't even think I remember it.
OHWELL.


I wanna know what it's like
On the inside of love
I'm standing at the gates

I see the beauty above

(PHOTO OVERLOAD, BEWARE)

This post is for the long overdue photos of Laura's birthday surprise and her birthday dinner; both of which were great.
Dinner was at Da Paolo at Rochester Park and being the little country bumpkin that I am, I had no idea Rochester Park was such a pretty secluded place, hidden by clusters of trees with great ambience and perfect for post-dinner walks!
Unless you have pain-intolerant feet like me and happen to be wearing three inch wedges like I was that night.
But a fabbity fab night of very, very delish food, greatest company and a walk to good ol' ACJC (because we cannot let go, like Jame says ha ha)
Anyway, first up...

Team Squad Operation Surprise!

Laura's Birthday Dinner

-

Had another great day today spent with Joan and Cel.
Cel came to Wesley today and had lunch with her and her mom after before Joan came to meet me.
And then Joan and I (formally christianed Joosh!) frolicked from place to place, wandering into shops with shoes we cannot afford, singing silly songs with the random heart to heart punctured in between.
Very, very good indeed :)

Sometimes I feel so grateful for all the people that God has put in my life, the encouragement, the words of wisdom or simply the company and laughter and shared tears.
During church today, as we were singing, I felt God impress upon my heart the word honour and what does it really mean when we say we'll honour Him.
Do our lives reflect the good reputation of God?
Do our actions show our respect for God?
Do the things we do bring glory to Him or show His glory?
Do we do things with honesty and integrity?


In my heart and my soul
Lord I give You control
Consume me from the inside out
Lord let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out

-

Anonymous: A really lousy camera! It's only 2.1 megapixels and so old I can't even see the model anymore. It's a Canon something.