whenever i read my juniors' blogs or browse through their friendster accounts, i'm half thinking to myself how amusing and mildly retarded they are.
and i'm just about to snicker to myself when i realise hmm.. i was once like that not so many years ago.
so i'd reckon it's a phase all adolescents or young teens go through.
the phase of being cool and wearing all those neon bright clothing and tYpInG LyK DiS with alot alot of abbreviations and fancy brackets and asterisks to decorate the words and the endless hahas and heehees and hehhehs and hell, i am still guilty of some of them :

and just a thought.. when older people read our blogs or flip through our friendster accounts, do they half snicker to themselves at how retarded we sound? and do we remind them of their embarrassing 17-year-old self?
and again i wonder if five years down the road i will reread my blog entries (if they're still around) and cringe at my.. HMM well. retardedness.

ohwell cheers to phases of our lives, retardedness and reflection :)
i mean HEY.. no one can be all smooth and perfect and savvy all their lives right?
RIGHT.

just so i don't forget yesterday was spent with OOHH BECKY! whom i haven't seen in ages and fiona and christine.
- Head in the Clouds (interesting in a boring way if you know what i mean)
- shopping
- church

and today, i foresee a day FULL OF PW.
rehearsing and writing out the script.
personally i don't see the point of us writing out a script and putting it in our GPF.
i mean isn't the point of an oral presentation to see how well we can speak, how we can creatively think on our feet and just be spontaneous and natural WITH a guided framework of course, like us actually knowing WHAT we're gonna speak about and the order of things.
but i don't see the POINT of crafting a script that we're supposed to follow because when we're up there standing in front of the moderaters who is going to follow that stupid script?

and after that i foresee a night with the relatives.
a dinner where i won't say anything half the time, eat all the food with relish and stare fascinated at the huge intricate radish sculpture in front of me.
that radish scuplture seriously FASCINATES me.
you know those intricate chinese woodworks with tiny people, complicated windows and roofs and cherry blossoms and what not?
YEHH that radish sculpture is exactly like that.
that shall keep me entertained for the rest of the night :)

one more day to holidays and i am looking forward to it.
looking forward to the impending finality of project work, chinese AOs and my SATs.
speaking of which, i still need my SAT book.
and when all that is over, i am looking forward to.. hmm. holiday homework :
it suddenly struck me that there is quite a massive amount of homework to complete over the holidays, in my opinion at least.
but in view of the much talked about make or break A levels where the j2 year is said to zip past, i shall try my very best to finish up.

i half wish mgs had softball.
was watching the girls play softball today (those that used to play softball in sec school) and watching them bat and pitch and catch and spin out terms like 'steal the bases', '3 safe.. dunnodunno' made me want to be good at softball very badly.
i can only bat without strategy and catch without skill :(

had quite a ball of a time today in school with sue rage and jame.
and rage was uncharacteristically retarded and chipper today :)

ohwell on the bus ride home, i realised for every song i listen to, i link events or memories to it.
every song that i hold dear has special significance to it, whether or not it is very significant or not.
for example when i began listening to David Tao again on the bus ride home, memories of me poring through Samurai X flooded through my mind.
and Jay Chou, EXAMS obviously. for every night was spent with jaychou during the exam period from sec 3 til now.
and Cake, Soul Asylum for the time where i felt down and out in sec3
and the story of Mars every time i listen to Queen.

for some reason, it's those tiny things like books or movies, which flood my mind and make me grow attached to the song.
so much less than major events in my life, like endless crying and emotional scars, where those songs offered solace of some sort.
for the bad memories and pain always subsides, taking along with it the emotional attachment to the song.
but movies and stories who never offer any kind of scarring, the songs always remain with me.

speaking of which, i currently love Queen :)
Queen - I Was Born To Love You.
it's been running in my head all day.

i can hardly wait for school to be over.
that is for the SOLE reason of waking up late.
clocking an average of 4 to 5 hours of sleep every night for the last two, three weeks is not my idea of fun, refreshment, energy, and all things bright, beaming and beautiful.
in fact dreadful eyebags are at an all-time huge and beastly eye shadows (no not the makeup) are at an all-time black.
admittedly, i only have myself to blame because every night i seem impossibly glued to the computer, tv and books; whichever has held my captivation at that point of time.

so yesterday was the night for the computer.
although i spent most of the time not talking but reading manga translations.
me being the cheapo that i am who can't bear to spend hundreds on manga volumes has resorted to reading the somewhat distorted and grammatically erred translations online.
anyway the manga, Akuma de Sourou, which i've been meaning to read for A YEAR, was found online yesterday! a full and complete translated version!
despite the cheesy and slightly warped storyline (think chickflick cum serial drama), i very much enjoyed it.
so much that i want to get the real, tangible manga volumes.
urgh i am a real sucker for cheesy, romantic storylines.
which probably is the reason why i spend hours in front of the tv soaking up senseless tv shows which leave nothing but the daydream satisfied.

received the overall promo grades and i'm QUITE happy with it.
didn't cross the B barrier, but Cs are good.
they are an indication of possible improvement.
again, it was a bittersweet day as the lucky ones managed to get promoted or get away with probas but the unlucky few had to be retained.
made me feel incredibly fortunate to have gotten promoted and it's an indication of how real failure can be as we advance in our years.
failed subjects never seemed to matter as much before as it does now.
failure never seemed so easy and success never seemed so hard before.
jc's such a make or break and it's perhaps the most fleeting and transient period of our school lives.
so.. weak as this may sound, make the best of it and leave no room for regret.

all that aside, CAN I REPEAT HOW MUCH I LOVE THE 1AA1 GIRLS?
and the 1AA3 GIRLS?
school is never ever the same without them.
i don't even think i can survive a day without them.
i remember how lonesome i felt when mich sue and jame decided to pon and rage had to go for her music exam.
so today was spent largely at the void deck playing solitaire, eating, listening to music, taking pictures, engaging in conversation (which i missed at some point in time because i was asleep) and combining the perfect combination of seriousness and retardness.
especially when all of us were hooking our legs to the tables and leaning our bodies stiffly back and forth like vampires easing into their coffin.
okay not a very good description but it's the best i could think of.

oh yes, i spent most of pccg playing crimsonland and i've decided it's quite addictive and stress-relieving.
at first i stuck to my forte Type'0'shooter because thats the only thing i know how to do. TYPE.
but after that i attempted The Quest and had to kill these awful ugly monsters called the Reaper or whatever it is they're called and had to fight through the horde to collect my extra points and weapons but whatever it is, I WANT TO PLAY IT AGAIN.
its fun to shoot.
my favourite weapon is the Ion Cannon.
and i hate the something minigun.
it makes me run SLOWER, and the shooting radius is pathetic.

ok pw is due very very soon and i'm getting rather worried :|
my group has certainly lost steam and poor al and noelle are sick.
but i have hope and faith that we will pull through.
and speaking of pulling through, i NEED my chinese book and SAT book to pull through chinese AOs and my SATs..

the usual dose of self-reflection has been fighting its way amidst the whirlwind of events, and i find myself whizzing from project to project with barely time for a moment of thought.
quite ironic since i'm here blogging, penning down my thoughts.

you know how when the hour of extreme hunger has passed without and you don't feel hungry anymore?
i think i have settled into that obliging state of mind, where any inkling of self-reflection is ignored simply because there are more tangible matters to attend to. and those fleeting thoughts are discarded away, only to come up again when a suitable occasion arises.
but the thought comes back fragmented and a little blurry.

bits and pieces of what i'm supposed to do with my present life and future has been flashing intermittenly through out the course of post-promo period.
perhaps not just the all important make-or-break jc grades and future career, but also my spiritual and social life.

before i went for camp, i was doing my QT and it was probably a period of lukewarm indirection.
i wasn't particularly anguished by any tidal problem but neither did i feel all was peachy and happy and the whole problem-free philosophy.
a few niggling problems i wanted to work my way around, a lack of confidence in myself, and doubt and confusion in God's plans.
so yes..

Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good.
His love endures forever.
Give thanks to the God of gods:
His love endures forever.
Give thanks to the Lord of lords:
His love endures forever.
to Him who alone does great wonders,
His love endures forever.
who by his understanding made the heavens
His love endures forever.
to the One who remembered us in our low estate
His love endures forever.
and freed us from our enemies,
His love endures forever.
and who gives food to every creature
His love endures forever.
Give thanks to the God of heaven.
His love endures forever.

it was a much longer chunk, but the basis is HIS LOVE ENDURES FOREVER!
and thinking about giving thanks to the Lord, i was reminded of Job. He never faltered even though almost his entire family and fortune was wiped out and he was plagued by diseases and sores and he continued to give thanks to God.
and that's probably how we're supposed to be designed, praising Him every minute and trusting in Him because He loves us so.

sometimes i don't understand why do some things work the way they do and i don't know how to trust completely, but HIS LOVE ENDURES FOREVER.
it was by his understanding that he made the heavens, and similarly, it is by His understanding that we see problems arising and we cannot comprehend why they are that way.

i was reading something about sheep and the shepherd and God has made references to us being sheep over two hundred times in the Bible!
and sheep are probably one of the dumbest animals on earth, and as unflattering a reference as it is to us, we are actually THAT dumb.
it's the abhorrence of our own vulnerability that we elevate ourselves to a status of self-presumed intelligence, sovereignty and control, but in fact what do we know?
we cannot see the future.
we cannot control external elements.
we look back on past events and berate our foolishness.
like sheep, we think we know where we're going, but do we?
we always inadvertantly fall into ravines and get ourselves into sticky situations. and it's then that we feel so vulnerable and can only bleat helplessly.

but He's always there. He's our shepherd.
by occupation, a shepherd always checks out the areas of possible greenery and drinking water before leading his sheep to them.
he KNOWS the place.
but we don't.

sometimes i think this whole idea of trusting and following leads to a misconception about blind acceptance.
if we made that mistake, OH, it was God's will. God is sovereign and He planned for that to happen, so we must be on the right track.
i think that's what many of us tend to think. this blind acceptance of circumstances.
but we forget God gave us the freedom of choice.
He gives us the freedom to decide what we want.
He has a perfect plan for us, but it's up to us if we choose the long route or the short route.
mistakes are mirrors to our folly, and through mistakes, we're supposed to realise and repent.

i can go on indefinitely because i think i am branching out on many ideas and so on and so forth and i am running out of words.
basically, all i want to say is that we should all learn to trust in Him, for His love endures forever.

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
He leads me beside quiet waters, He restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me;
your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life.
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

despite a really pathetic turnout, half rainy weather, and the troubling thoughts of the HEEUGE number of rj appeals (why don't they come ac instead?), i will say ACS FOREVER.

i think we did a mighty good job!
the booths were awesome and we had such gorgeous stickers (va can testify to that)! and we even had lovely squash balloons and the videos at xcounty, tennis, arts council etc were simply lovely.
and there was such an assortment of knickknacks to collect :)
and waterpolo, badminton, soccer, rugby, tennis, t&f, hockey, canoeing - they all put up an awesome show!
so despite all the run-down feelings, i wanna say ACJC i am PROUD OF YOU :)

spent the better part of the afternoon eating with laura and mich and playing tennis (although we're miserable at it. i think christine was really exasperated playing with us) and eyeing the future j1s of acjc or the future NON j1 acsians.
we even twittered around with roberta tan, exchanging tidbits on eyecandies and as roberta affectionately states it as "MY H(E)RO!" and "SUCH A DARLING!".
caught up with lyd and claire, shared some news with each other like we always do everytime we talk, and BOYYY am i gonna miss lyd when she's swishing around in her rj green skirt :(
i always thought she looked better in blue..

so anyway MANPOWER duty after.
i thought it was quite relaxing in comparison to moving chairs in the hall except the nasty fern leaves kept sticking their pokey stems into my face when i carried the pot.
spent a not so good hour or so sitting at the concourse waiting for my parents and then GERMAN FOOD it was.
good as german food is, i don't really think it was my kind of food.
i felt so overwhelmed by all the sausages.
sausage salad and liver mousse for appetizers, three humongous bratwurst and dunno brat-what-sausage for the main course and that was a tad bit too much sausage for me.
the other dishes didn't leave much room for non-sausages because everything else had a sausage component in it.

so to mark the end of my day out from home, i now own an MP3!!! wow call me outdated.
i dont even own an ipod!
but technically unsavvy me doesn't need such up market gadgets.
i am very happy with my new slim mp3 :)

okay pw tomorrow the WHOLE DAMN DAY at al's house.
THAT, i am not looking forward to.
ugh.

so today's results was quite a pleaser, didn't do fantastically, but i'm very grateful for my grades.
results can produce such mixed emotions, both yours and the people around you.
felt pleased but yet strangely frustrated that i couldn't have gotten JUST THAT LITTLE BIT MORE to push my grades up.
but then again, when i look around me, and i see my friends worrying about getting promoted and here i am selfishly thinking about how i can get higher.
a very bittersweet day indeed.
but i honestly thank God from the bottom of my heart for the results i received :)

but just to hedge in a little complaining, FWWWWAH!
i was quite on a roll for my lit essays and i almost got a B except EXCEPT for one idiotic e1 essay (quite my fault really for choosing that question ha ha) which i FAILED..
so a C it is.
but nevermind, a C would be meeting my expectations.
but despite all that grumbling, congrats to michelle and fiona for doing well!

OPEN HOUSE TOMORROW!
ohwell, been getting some negative feedback and all i can say is that, truly from the bottom of my heart, i don't AC is as bad as everyone makes it out to be.
some are true, some are exaggerated, some are simply false.
but which school doesn't have its faults?
i guess it's something you have to experience before you can fully comprehend and formulate your opinion on it.

truthfully, i had mixed emotions on coming to AC.
but i never regretted it.
i'm enjoying it far more than i thought i would.
i wouldn't trade morning devotions or monday morning chapels for anything in the world.
i wouldn't trade the camaradarie of new and old friends, security and novelty for anything.

it sounds awfully cheesy, much like propaganda, but there's always a taste of mgs in acjc.
there's always a rootedness in Christ, a reminder of Christ.
there's always the AC Spirit, THE LOVE.

so what if we're not the smartest jc in singapore.
so what if we're not the best sports jc in singapore.
THE STUDENTS CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN.
WE, PRESENT, PAST AND FUTURE STUDENTS CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN.
it just depends on whether you want to try or not.

okay, doubt anyone junior-ish reads this, but just a thought.

although there are masses of things for me to do, i vaguely feel like i haven't been doing anything.
been operating on autopilot for the last few days, doing the same mechanical things that need to be done.
probably because i feel so pressed for time there doesn't seem to be anything else i can do except execute the activities in the appropriate time slots.
for example, cram pw and chinese during school hours, cram as much open house stuff as i can after school, and try to squeeze in sufficient post-exam relaxation at night.
but the night simply passes too quickly, and there are just too many things i want to do.
perhaps it's because there are too many things i have to complete and want to do, i end up not making any decisions (because obviously pw and open house comes first), till i feel as though i have not done anything substantial whatsoever.

ogl interview made me feel a tad bit silly but ohwell, i figured JUST WHAAAACK.
because ultimately, orientation is to have fun.. right?
RIGHT.
so i just blabbed whatever came to mind and although i reckon i handled the situations a bit too flippantly.
i think real life situations trigger much more natural and powerful instincts rather than pretend.
uhh.. okay well that was just stating the obvious.

grrrrr.
i think i am suffering from too-much-to-do-post-exam stress.
i dont even remember feeling this way during exams.
at least stressed as i was, i was stressed about one thing.
now i feel like i'm pulled in a few dozen directions with no real motivation because HEY, my brain keeps telling me helllooo shumin EXAMS ARE OVER why are there so many things to do?!
but then my body keeps saying do do do do.. OPEN HOUSE! do do do.. PW! do do do CHINESE IS COMING! do do do.. you havent gotten your sats book YET!!!

yes, it's not very misery-inducing.
i just feel very.. out of sorts.
like i'm supposed to be there, but i'm here, but i don't really mind being here, but i'd rather be there.. or would i not??

i think i'm going abit crazy.
thank goodness open house is over by sat.
although come sunday, a whole whirlwind of pw will gust me away and back into the mad cycle.
then chinese.. then sats.. then OOH TRAINING.

oh dear, and tomorrow are results.
somebody help me.

okay pics from ccaab grad dinner are up!
click HERE!

it's been a rather long time since i blogged so hang in there for a LONG entry!
shall be done in point form jamie chee style :)

thursday
- baccalaurette service (or however you spell it) rather touching. i'd tear if i were a j2
- many many briefings and off to camp i went and missed ac games
- was in the group gandhi, pretty good :) with zhen terry and jon cheong
- the place was RATHER clean, much better than i'd expected but full of fuzzy yellow bees. urgh.
- outdoor cooking: instant noodles, baked beans, canned curry and sausages. not very appetizing but hunger ruled.
- leadership talk and then SLEPT. many many dogs barking.

friday
- physical conditioning!! a run and many many pushups :(
- sea expedition, canoed from sembawang to kranji and back! oh dear, thank goodness for terry who was my canoeing partner. although i'd reckon i was pretty useless.
- lunch followed by situational games, I LIKE :)
- the shirtless boys in our group amusing roberta tan and the girls greatly.
- our perfect square during the rope game :)
- and terry making TINY MINUTE steps while being blindfolded ha ha ha very very cute.
- our stickman's erm.. ohwell stick. ha ha.
- terry not knowing that he was allowed to talk and hiding in a corner in silence while the rest of us blindfolded searched aimlessly for him when we were supposed to be finding dhinesh!
- dinner and WAR games.
- was very traumatised by war games after zach attacked me. didn't know boys were so violent

saturday
- no physical conditioning! we were very happy people. God blessed my arms for they were aching like hell.
- land ex, walked 18km in the hot hot sun finding checkpoints and solving riddles. i must admit i wasn't a very enthusiastic participant.
- walked the slowest but cheers for jon who made the long walk more bearable by talking to me.
- realised gurmit was a pretty nice fellow when he bought us all milk
- and my awful shoe soles came out!
- ran the last leg of the expedition and i thank God for seeing my group and me through this as we ran under the hot sun. thank Him for helping us persevere and never give up.
- lunch followed by rope course where i was absolutely petrified cause of my erm.. fear of heights.
- thank goodness there was no time for the dangly rope course which looked WAY too scary.
- climbed the rock wall and by the grace of God i made it to the top despite nagging fears.
- highlight of the moment was when EIGHT boys had to belay terry, struggling with all their might. hahaha
- oh and when xianrong who was equally scared of heights wanted to come down but the rest refused to let him down. so much so xianrong the strong ended up doing pull ups on a rockwall!
- campfire at night.
- realised alot ALOT of people don't know cannibal king by favourite campfire song! avroom smoochsmooch.
- had fun dancing to 'as we walk to the left' and ben hooi's awesome pick up line!
- our campfire item was BAD.
- derek's blingblingman and weikong's pushupman was hilarious!
- matt's group and kenneth's group had mighty good items.

sunday
- clean clean clean. swept up the MPH only to have it being stepped all over again. so we swept it again.
- sunday service before that. not too bad but was too sleepy to really concentrate.
- had a nice sweet nap on the airconditioned bus back to school!
- had the changing parade. i lost my favourite school skirt in the process :
- THE FINAL CHALLENGE - we were last by the way.
- was made the paralysed casualty and was pretty scary sitting on the raft while the others swam across cause i couldn't swim.
- being carried by fireman lift by terry was very suffocating. shoulder was pressing into my stomach and all the blood was in my face, I. COULDN'T. BREATHE.
- followed by a series of life endangering experiences where i felt seriously manhandled and violated.
- it felt fantastic and it was so touching to see the entire school running with us (we were the last group you see..) cheering and singing all the way.
- ONE AC :)

so that was CCAAB camp for you :)
was super tired the next day but somehow i made it through school.
was so exhausted i had to go home and sleep and my mother sent me back for the graduation dinner where we were presented our four corner badges :)
felt rather silly being all dressed up in the underground gallery but it was so refreshing seeing everyone dressed up.
ooh and we had something called Talk Behind My Back where we stuck sheets of paper behind our backs and people wrote stuff on it.

had supper after with daph terry derek matt ujin and paul at swensons and it was my first time having the cheesy beef burger and i must say it is rather good :)

school today was T I R I N G.
somehow i made it through the day while sleeping in between and we managed to do the squash board and video after school.
was rather proud of our banners until i saw the tennis team's which was so darn good!
gosh now i think our banners are ugly.

pfft.
this is one disjointed entry.

went out despite secretly wanting the day to myself at home.
because i'd been lining out all the going out plans for today, i figured i'd better keep good my word lest the girls think i'm some spoiler or something.

and..
despite the solemn promise that TODAY, we won't eat and gorge at all because yesterday's food fest was a bit too much, we ended up stoning and eating all afternoon.
mee siam, mee goreng, quesadillas, popcorn chicken, fries and coffeclub.
but VERY nice indeed :)
followed by scary ghost stories and gay men in shoe shops with mich jame and laura.

i am going to devote my night to packing.
i realised i've been thinking nonstop about the camp and i wonder is it because i'm frightfully excited or because i'm frightfully scared.
i think it's both.
today, darius went, "GN, you keep referring to the camp. are you excited??"
it's been some time since i stuck it out at those mosquito infested outdoor camps with cold dirty choked showers.
and though i hate the showering bits, i reckon i'd end up having fun.

was reading Mars manga yesterday and i realised its a pretty sordid kind of teenage manga.
from rapist stepfathers to homosexuals to suicidal brothers to forbidden trysts to quiet artistic girls and to wild cool boys with a destructive edge..
i'd always thought this genre of manga would be similar to hanayoridango but MY, that manga is packed full with.. things.
so anyway they're showing the taiwanese version every thursday and friday so i think i'll make it a point to watch it cause it really IS quite entertaining.

oh and i've got my first 'passer' tag.
HMM.. okay.
passer: yes eric has gone back and youu are?

just a thought, no offense to anybody, but why do some people sign off as passer?
cause i'm really quite sure if they tag harmless questions and not slamming comments, people would like to know who they are, whether or not they know the person.
but to be able to put a name to someone is always pleasant and somewhat reassuring.

okay i think i'm going a bit crazy i am going to be so HOMESICK :(
bugger camp.

i was looking at the shoes my sister gave me a couple of months ago as a surprise present and i realised how loved i felt.
the old saying goes that if you give a pair of shoes to someone, they will walk away from you.
well, i think they are wrong.
when i wear the shoes my sister gave me, even though they're not necessarily the most comfortable shoes ever, i can feel the love through the shoes.
that she specially picked them for me, spent that money on me just to make me happy.
so when someone gives you a pair of shoes, it doesn't mean that you'll walk away from them or they want you to walk away from them.
it merely means that they love you, and these new shoes are for you to replace the old ones so that your walk with them will never end.

so similarly, God gives us these renewed invisible shoes so that we can continue walking with Him.
even when our feet grow weary, torn and blistered and we think we cannot go on, He's always there ever ready with His new shoes for us to wear.
a blessing indeed :)
i thank Him for a family i can count on, for seeing me through promos and being with me when i felt i had nobody.
i thank Him for the new shoes i wear on my feet :)

okay i don't know what made me think of that.
looking at the shoes my sister gave me and thinking of Home Run.
and how good God has been to me despite whatever unhappiness i've been going through.

so promos are over and i don't feel any sense of elation.
the camp is hovering in my mind, actually. another hurdle to overcome.
watched Wimbledon - a rather sweet and charming sports movie although the love bits were a tad bit too cheesy and a real put off.
spent the day eating. i think i spent 20 dollars on food today.
just for the update econs was okay, lit okay, just hope i pass them all, INCLUDING GP AND CHINESE!

well spent a really good hour or so at the playground with alina reliving our childhood days and having a really good talk.
thanks alina :)
it just made me realise how unpredictable life is and how God works in such mysterious ways.
He hasn't revealed His plans to me and though i may not understand or comprehend whatever has been happening, i know He will never give me a cross to heavy for me to bear and in God i trust :)

i think i'm going a bit mad.
i have no reason to justify this but i just think i am.
HRRRMM..
must be the restless inactivity.

i have done only until price elasticity for econs mcq.
which is very little.
considering i have quite a few more topics to cover so i can consult tan cc tmr.

suddenly, i am looking forward to the camp.
a few days of isolation will do me good.
i need it. VERY MUCH.
what's that thing.. getting in touch with your inner self?
yes, getting in touch with my inner self and bringing out the strength in times of adversity.
i need something to prove to myself that i'm not invisible and useless and plus i'd reckon i need that time to myself, away from the norm.
i'm just not looking forward to the packing.
funny how the least of everyone's worries has become my hugest.

i had the biggest urge to call someone this afternoon, especially michelle cause i just needed to pour out some.. THINGS.
then i realised Gilmore Girls was on and mich would probably be watching it.
and i realised yet again tomorrow was phys geog paper and she'd probably be studying whatever she needs to study.
so i decided not to call her or anybody and nap.

yes, so now i shall make myself clean and DO ECONS.
by the way, they now show huanzhugege III every sunday!
i used to watch it everyday in sec4, so i'd suggest all huanzhugege fans watch it please :)
verrrrrrrrry nice.

just watched Home Run. it was my first time!
pretty good i'd say.
but that's not being very objective cause i love kids movies. or movies with kids.

LONNNNG day.
othello was frying my brain.
i forgot half the quotes i memorised by the time i was in the exam hall.
decided to be brave and attempted question3.
suicide suicide suicide.

hurhur realised kelly topped the class for e8 assignment with 62!
and i was a close second! 61!
and mich was a close THIRD 60!
ok, that was my bit of happy announcements.
gosh imagine the highest being low Cs.
we are terrible lit students.

digressing, what would i do without michelle sometimes.
realised my friendship with mich has seesawed quite a bit since we were pals in primary4 and i think now at jc we've come to be stronger and better friends than ever before.
ok the phrasing sounded weird but its almost 3am, i am tired.
so mich, my sister, mate and secret sharer, what would i do without youuu..

ok met eric after the paper and we FINALLY figured out how to work the machine!
genius minds at work.
didn't really do anything but eat and stone and walk aimlessly and take stupid pictures BUT THEN, my memory card died on me so now all my pictures are gone and.. :(
this was eric's joke of the day (minus marc's dumb blonde joke): yes, we are sitting outside BreadTalk having a chitchat. hahahahaha.
ok it wasn't very funny actually.
i don't remember laughing.
i will miss eric very much.
the presence of his hairy legs, curly hair and non-funny jokes just a little causeway away or more effectively when he's actually on sunny singapore. in sunny singapore.
myybestfriend, TEN WEEKS :)

i can't wait for promos AND camp to end, so i can plan my movie-mania, book-mania and shopping fest with fiona. fiona, are you reading this?

shizz my eyes hurt really badly.
i'd reckon this is longer than necessary.
and i shall sleep now so i can get rested for tomorrow: brotherhood (for the third time, i am a happy girl. the vcd cover is pretty nice) and econs MCQ.
what a long day tomorrow.
or effectively, TODAY. later.

a sleepless night plagued by dreams (i mean that semi-conscious state you're in when you drift in and out of your dream. you're in your dream, but you're still aware of your surroundings. errm know what i mean?)
a shitty math paper which i didn't do enough to pass
and a restless nap
hasn't helped me feel any better.

am wondering, is there any difference between hypocrisy and facades?
facades seem so much milder, but in any case, we're still lying through our teeth to the people around us.
hypocrisy, facades - it's still a pretense isn't it?
hypocrisy can include meanness of spirit and inflicting harm on others; but when we put on a facade, pretending to agree when we don't agree, isn't it indirectly inflicting harm?
perhaps we're forced to slip on masks by circumstances and not intentions but it's still a false front anyhow.
pretending to be something you're not, not revealing the truth.
so there isn't much difference between both.
and i'm feeling very much like a hypocrite.

truth is so simple, but yet so hard to fathom and so incredibly powerful.
The truth can set you free - true in many ways, freeing you of bondage or guilt.
it's the immediate and future repercussions that we worry so much about.
we don't speak the truth because we fear we may be viewed under different light, we may hurt others and spoil relationships or simply to save ourselves a lot of trouble and at the same time creating a myriad of problems.

ok enough food for thought.
i am VERY hungry.
and i still need to study e1.
although i don't know what to study

this is how i feel right now -_- zZzz.
i can kiss my dear econs essay goodbye.
the reverse action of studying too much econs.
i ended up trying to hard to remember (which i did) till i forgot all those hmm, you know, EXTRAS.
i must learn from speedy gonzales mich.
she's my role model.
anyway i used the pen my dad gave me for good luck.

e4 tomorrow.
die die die.
my brain is still swimming with econs.
i had a nap this afternoon after the econs paper, and i dreamt of diagrams.
demand and supply diagrams, profit diagrams, monopoly diagrams, etc.
except in place of the price and quantity axes, it had Graves and Rivers and Sassoon.
you see, before i fell asleep i was reading Regeneration.

i'm still feeling the frantic pangs of econs.
i need the caaaalm floww of emotions and feeeeelings to courseee throughhh me.
so that i may get in touch with my inner self and e4 notebook.

today is ridiculously humid.
and i STILL WANT DISNEY.
just an extra thought: i haven't used my camera in a while. i must use it soon. and i MUST, absolutely MUST, replace the lens cap which i lost or my father will kiiiill me.
promos, hurry and end.
oh yes, ccab, i hope you won't take too long to be over.

disney channel has been screening rather good movies recently.
on thursday was MULAN :)
good stuff i say, one of the best 'new' disney movies churned out.
i put inverted commas because it's not exactly new but you know, not TRADITIONAL disney.
so..
saturday was american tale! or was it friday?
but equally good stuff.
and yesterday it was...
DUMBO!!!!!!!!!
the last time i watched Dumbo was aeons ago when i used to have the tape and watch it over and over and over again.

but maybe watching Dumbo yesterday wasn't too fantastic an idea because today during the chinese paper the stupid Dumbo song kept ringing in my ears.
and i only know one line so that one line repeated itself OVER and OVER again.
the one where the birds were mocking Dumbo and going "when i see an elephant flyyyy.."

so.. GP today, didn't finish AQ (misread it too) and essay was on teenage angst.
narrow scope no counter argument :
chinese was HARRRRRD.

it's been a pretty fast food weekend.
or week.
i had kfc on saturday, macs yesterday and burger king today.

this is my list of Disney things i need to watch after promos.
1. BEAUTY AND THE BEAST
2. The Little Mermaid
3. Cinderella (i never watched it)
4. Sleeping Beauty
5. The Lion King
6. Snow White and the Seven Dwarves (i've never watched this before too)

i can't remember anymore and i'll just put Pocahontas for kicks.
7. Pocahontas.

for reasons undiscovered and unmentioned, i feel very very UGH.
all i want to do today is stay home, not talk to anyone, watch tv and read books and not worry about studying.

"Actors are so fortunate. They can choose whether they will appear in tragedy or comedy, whether they will suffer or make merry, laugh or shed tears. But in real life it is different. Most men and women are forced to perform parts for which they have no qualifications. Our Guildensterns play Hamlet for us, and our Hamlets have to jest like Prince Hal. The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast."

- Lord Arthur Savile's Crime by Oscar Wilde

that describes exactly what i'm feeling and thinking.
and it's a rather nice short story.
quirky bordering on disturbing but a good short read nonetheless.