It's so easy to write about pain. It's so easy because pain is always magnified by self-absorption and somehow every terrible word fits while every happy word never fits at all. I wish I could accurately record every single happy thing that happened but the effusive, pleasant things in life tend to leave no room for words because they glow inexpressibly and shine in laughter and countenance.

As for pain, that lousy dratted thing, there never seems to be enough words to go around. And worse, with it comes this embarrassing tirade to blurt it all out, to wallow and wash it over and over with words, purged but never clean. I write (wrote?) about it a lot and frankly, I hate reading what I write about it. It never fails to sound puerile and trite. I don't understand how something so honest can sound so terribly contrived.

I attempted to write out important bits of my life today in a narrative. And when I came to the painful bits, it was never more apt in the worst way possible, because they truly were the most painful bits to read. I cringed and felt almost angry with embarrassment and wanted to rip it into shreds. Metaphorically, that is.

Funnily enough, somehow numbing pain sounds so beautiful. It has that ethereal quality; to be vulnerable yet untouchable, senseless yet sensible, to feel without feeling at all. Aggh, too bad for me my senses are simply ordinary regular ones, because I don't know how to be untouchable when vulnerable and when I feel pain, it doesn't feel like anything other than pain.

And speaking of pain, I'm going for a massage tomorrow and I'm really excited! Okay, the pain bit comes in when I say that I hope it won't be too painful. You know how it feels wonderful when your mother massages you after a tiring day, but those professional massage places on tv make it look so painful. And since we're going to a cheap-ish place, it's not going to be dim aromatherapy candles and scented oils, and err well, I don't really know what to expect really. But I'm still really excited!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RUTH BOEY!
Happy 21st Ruth! I won't go into the hackneyed You're officially an adult stuff but I will tell you what a great friend you've been! For always understanding when I'm sad about doing badly for law, for being such a good shopper, for empathising with sticky situations and making me feel better when I lose at poker. Haha. Anyway, random but I realised we have very veryyyyyyy few pictures of us together and the last time we took one together was YOUR BIRTHDAY LAST YEAR! That's ancient. Okay, anyway have a great birthday :)

Yay, it's Friday and it means the weekend is coming and uni is officially over for the semester! But why do I not feel as excited as I sound...

Hmm I'm blaming it on swotvac and the impending exams. Although swotvac and the exam week is always fervant with study and languid idleness is thrown out of the window, I never feel activ-ised ... if you know what I mean. I feel busy but this busyness is painted over in listless colour and everrrrrrything just feels so dull. It's like for three weeks, my days merely consist of stacks and stacks of tutorials and past exam papers stamped in black and white and there I am restless and desperately itching for c o l o u r , sprightly afternoons and festivity!

Blablaaaa... we got in the conversation of childhood dreams yesterday and again I was reminded of what I wanted as a kid and still want but am not brave enough to do. Yaghhh always makes me wonder if I'd tried harder when I was younger, was bolder and braver, it might have been different. Ohwell, still not too late! But yea, we'll shelve it for another day.

Shoeeeees! I never want to buy anything at full price ever again. I heart sales :)

It was the last YF bible study tonight and I feel so thankful for how much I've learnt there. Being taught how to read the bible properly and understanding it in context wasn't something I'd always been grounded in and in the past I'd always struggled and grappled with it.

Tonight's bible study (Mark 8:22-9:1) really drove in the message that I was talking about with Laura and another friend in the previous weeks: about what it means to be a Christian, a disciple of Jesus. Really thank God for reminding me once again who Jesus is and what He came to do and what it means to me to be a disciple of Jesus.

Points tonight:

• The miracle in v22-26 was a live parable alluding to what Jesus would reveal about himself as the Christ
• Many Jews, as reflected by Peter, didn't have the correct view of the Christ. They thought He would be a glorified physical king that would save them from oppression. So it's important for us to know who Jesus really is and what he has done (v30-33)
• Jesus tells the disciples and crowd that to be saved they need to deny themselves, take up their cross and follow Him (v34-9:1)
• What does it mean to us to deny ourselves, take up our cross and follow Him?
• What are some of the crosses we need to take up?

Tonight was a good night of learning and reflection. Reflecting about what are the areas I still need to learn to deny, what's the cross I have to carry and praying for His strength and wisdom. Especially during this week, when I've been feeling troubled about some of the burdens He has placed in my heart; tonight reminded me that I need to learn to be less selfish and persevere in prayer with love in my heart!

The week is almost ending and I haven't done very much other than skip through the verdant hills with my heart belting out These are a few of my favourite things, empathise with teenage-angst ridden Charlotte Flax and crooning along to Happy For the Rest of Your Life, and laughing and crying through dreams and ambition and homely fare with the March sisters. Well, in my imagination at least. This week felt like I was living in another era and I liked it very, very much.

I realised there's been a dearth of pictures in this blog. And since I don't have any pictures of myself, I figured I'll post pictures of my things. Anyway, this week:

I went shopping with Ruth! I bought my very first white dress; virginal, touching the knees and covered with eyelet lace. I've always wanted to buy a white dress but things you tend to have a penchant for invariably end up being hard to find; especially for white dresses because they're either too translucent or make you look like a human cream puff. But yessss, white dresses have a way of making me feel like I can have that shy rosy-cheeked effusiveness; which girls like me are evidently not... far too tanned and quirkily clumsy. Blea, nevermind. I updated my jewelry collection because I desperately needed a new (second) favourite necklace to replace the loveheart locket which I lost. Which by the way, I just found.

Sometimes, I wonder if it's better to buy fabulously special pieces of clothing which you simply adore then but never end up wearing because you have no occasion to wear it, or you just don't want to because it makes you feel good knowing that you're saving it for a special occasion which never comes anyway.... OR one of those ubiquitous monotone tops and dresses which you always buy simply because they were cheap and then when you find them so convenient and indispensable, you wished you'd bought a few more in other colours. Because I seem to be collecting a lot of special pieces which I don't find so special anymore....

I've been doodling. It's shaped so oddly because I'd ambitiously decided to design an entire card of waving layers but after my pen started to run out of ink and my hand began to hurt, I improvised and cut around the edges to birth myself a very strange looking bookmark. But it serves it's purpose as a bookmark and that's all that matters.

Thisssss was my favourite book in primary school! I loved the entire series so much I refused to return it to the library and incurred a $45 overdue fee. I didn't tell my mother and forked out the fine from my own little stash of saved pocket money. It hurt alot. $45 was alot to a ten year old kid then. And look how much I bought this one for: six dollars!

It's funny how after ten years, my heart still aches and laughs at all the same parts and my imagination of the sisters, their idiosyncrasies, and the place still reflects the same merry picture. And I cannot believe that I still teared when Jo rejected Laurie... Even though I know she made the wise decision (for reasons, read book), my heart cannot help softening at the idea of being so in love and dependant on the comfort and friendship that he was willing to give up all that she didn't like to be the man she wanted him to be! Such loosely capricious thoughts make me think that I might bind myself in a messily tempestuous marriage.. haha! That is why I am determined to let God write my love story because I have such poor taste...

I watched Mermaids, My Best Friend's Wedding and The Sound of Music! All my old school favourites with some of the best soundtracks ever. Sometimes I wish I'd stop being such a romantic idealist with whimsical notions as I drown in television euphoria. And at the same time, I can't help berating the jaded cynicism that someday, I will be swept off my feet and have my heart stolen along with it. But you see, that's just my romantic side kicking in. Ugh

Anyway, I booked my driving test! It's on the 27th of November so please keep me in your prayers. I really need to pass for a myriad of reasons I do not feel like going into right now. And I'd say that after having not driven for over two and a half weeks, I was driving rather splendidly until all that confidence went into my head and I relaxed into a mindless blob and very carelessly ROLLED OVER A CURB. Sometimes, I think that during my driving exam, I am going to execute everything rather smoothly and at the crux, do something stupid like, roll over a curb and fail!

On a complete off-tangent, I like the word splendid. It makes me thing of a neat, glittering goodness; like chandeliers and champagne fountains. But it's just one of those words that I like but will never use because it makes me feel so pretentiously 1900s and also because who the heck uses the word splendid nowadays?! It's like the word dreadful. No one quite says dreadful anymore... but I think I'll try and say it one of these days. Dreadful.

I'm not getting any better, it still feels like someone stuffed a feather duster down my throat, and ever so often i'd break out in a paroxysm of wracking coughs. The nights are the worst, because restful oblivion's so fleeting and i can feel my lungs almost sighing with resignation with the first stirrings of an awakening itch. And it's making me really tired; I can barely feel myself function.

This cough is making me anti-social. I can't conjure the energy to hold any substantial conversations with anyone. Which in a way gives me an excuse not to talk so I don't have to force myself to think of things to say. So i don't really mind it. But on the other hand, I do feel secretly left out because people only congregate where there's conversation, a thread of interest binding them together for that moment, and many times this week i've been left hanging alone amidst coupled conversation. Which makes me feel like a fish out of water. What's wrong with sitting in comfortable silence?! Silent company is sooo underrated. Haha.

This kind of makes me miss the JC days. Finding something to laugh about everyday, dangling over the upper level of the happyhut, wasting our time at the void deck, drinking endless cups of tehping, skipping class and running away from teachers.... and then throw in the afternoons we spent sprawled over in Sue's lounge room watching old movies from those enormous LDs, eating and eating and eating.... and it's funny how we never ran out of things to talk about or sing. There'll always be Jame's inaccurately accurate analogies which spit out sound advice in the oddest way, Rage's grumpiness (haha!), Sue's random outburst of michael jackson, Mich's humming of tunes... awwwww. I MISS (Singapore) FRIENDSSSSS. Feels like I haven't seen or talked to some people in a really long time (sue! jame! rage! hy!). I miss youuuu.

Watched the Rock School documentary tonight. Well parts of it, because it failed to capture any lasting interest except for a pervading sense of mortification. The first few minutes made me wish I'd practised the guitar harrrrrrder so I could be one of those child rock star prodigies but that very quickly lost out to little girls (read: nine year old girls) with eyes slathered in eyeliner screaming out tuneless songs about pot and asking their mother to imprint "666" across their foreheads. I found it rather disturbing and so... I stopped watching it.

I'm hoping the coming week will be one of productivity, laughter and warm company. This week felt like a lone bubble.

I couldn't help noticing yesterday during my finm tute, that my tutor had a really pretty pair of shoes. And they looked really comfortable too. I came home and began a mini online rampage, clicking through shoe heaven. I've been finding it really hard to buy shoes nowadays. Everything is either too expensive, too uncomfortable, or with an odd detail I don't quite fancy. And it doesn't help that though I simply adore shoes, my feet have a discomfort-tolerence level of 0.1. I have this whimsical urge to blow a disproportionate amount of money on a pair of shoes; a pair of silver shoes which makes me feel like Cinderella going to the ball. Which of course I won't do because common sense and my mother's wrath is looming well over my soap-bubble ideas.

But there's still something about finding that proverbial shoe; that shoe which makes every dress perfect and every wearer feel beautiful. I wish everyday would be like finding that perfect pair of pretty silver shoes.

I must study harder. I must. Another slate of dismal grades have come in and I am saaaaaad :(
AghhhHhdkjlaskdj!!~

Ohwell, even though this week has been a pretty crap week (cue relentless coughing and congested nasal passages and mystery itching bites.... and now poor grades), I can't help but feel a little spark of joy that God is watching over me and building me up bit by bit. Okay, admittedly, when the fact that I was both sick and itching from phantom bugs was shoved right in front of my face, I wailed. Like a girl. I wailed girlishly. But God really blessed me with an amazing housemate like David. He even tested my bed last night and came out without a trace of a bite. Honestly, I wouldn't have gone through this week without David's help. Best housemate in the world, really!

Ha ha, I couldn't help but think of Job this entire week, ever since I first started itching. How he trusted God from beginning til end, still praising Him, even though he'd gone through so much suffering (far, far, faaaaar worse than I have, why am I still complaining?!) because he knew God was a sovereign, loving God. And that really encouraged me. To hold on to God's loving and sovereign nature even in bleak(er) times and never stop trusting and praising Him.

I am sick and have taken a day off uni. My throat itches and burns, and my nose is impossibly clogged. I can hardly breathe. I'm also sporting some mystery bites on my legs which I've attributed to bedbug bites; its angry and itchy in the humid Brisbane weather and I'm getting paranoid. I inspect my mattress and sheets fastidiously for any six-legged creatures even after I've sunned and washed them in hot soapy water.

My housemate David's been a real pot of gold; helping me drag my mattress, vacuum my room, throw my trash, arrange my furniture, even carving through the nook and crannies to find any telltale bugs. Which we didn't find. I think a part of me would feel better if I found an actual bedbug, then I would know what exactly is causing my bites. But these phantom bugs which plague my legs in swollen dotted array, have successfully managed to wrap my mind in visions of paranoia. Everytime I feel a little feathery brush against my skin I twitch and jump out of my bed to check if it's a bug.

For some reason, in my drug-induced stupor, my mind keeps skipping back to Singapore. Especially when I woke up this morning, knowing that I wasn't going to uni. Felt like days where my mother would make me stay home and I'd wake up, knowing that English class would commence in five minutes and Maths was long over. Maybe it's because the last time I was sick like that was in Singapore. Or maybe because in my hapless state, I'm subconsciously craving the comfort of my mother. Whatever it is, I woke up this morning caked in hazy dejavu.

Ohweeell, but I guess even though it feels like Singapore, it's not quite. That's because I woke up sleeping on a mattress in the living room floor, I didn't take a trip down to see Dr. Tan and I'm eating a bowl of porridge cooked by me. And all that makes a world of a difference. I wonder who's going to take care of me when my mother is old?

I think Spring has forgotten to swing by and Summer has kicked in for an early start. I don't remember it being this hot last year at this time. I went out today decked in minimal clothing (ie. shorts and tank) and still managed to come home smelling like a sweaty schoolboy.

I went to West End today, solo style! I like West End, but I don't think I could live there, truthfully. Whenever I go to West End, I feel like I'm on holiday in a random town; poking my head into shops littered haphazardly across in eclectic fashion, the streets erecting a very laidback assortment of bars, cafes and restaurants. As much as I love its charming quaintness, the possibility of finding something fresh and quirky everyday, I think I'd prefer 'home' to be a little more mainstream. More... constant. Ha ha.

Anyway I went to West End today because I wanted to do a little op shop hopping. I was getting sick of the city. And I snagged an old French Connection denim shirt jacket for $3.50 and a pewter Country Road jacket for $15! Hee~ Okay, it's nothing that's going to tip the scales of fashion but just very simple old pieces that stood out among the... junk. (I seriously can't think of anything else to call it. Took me ages to find something I actually liked) Oh yeh and a t-shirt for $10!! But it wasn't an op shop. It was a random boutique that looked like it was about to close down.

Yehhh, it was a surreal day for a surreal place. Because Friday had never seemed stranger to me than it did today.

1. I witnessed a wedding ceremony in Guyatt Park. (?!)
It was really strange. They were exchanging their wedding vows when I walked past. It was the queerest assortment of pristine white linen-covered chairs to the odd couple of balloons strung awkwardly around the gazebo. And the guests' clothing ranged from pretty sundresses and suits to shorts and t-shirts. Hmm.... my first thought was Who the heckkkk would want to get married at Guyatt Park (no offense to Guyatt Park) but then the better part of my imagination kicked in a little later and I figured maybe this odd couple shared their first date there or something and it's really quite sweet to hold your wedding at the place you had your first date!

2. I have never seen so many kids in my life
They were everywhere. On the citycat, Guyatt Park, West End.... it was just teeming with kids!

3. I saw the cutest house that looked like it came straight out of a fairytale book
Too bad I didn't have my camera! It was painted a blushing shade of pink and white and resembled a more modern version of a cottage. It didn't have a very huge garden, but there were trimmed bushes and little flowers dotting the lawn, a very, very tiny circular pathway weaving its way round the statued fountain, and hand-made wooden signs stuck on the fence. It was adorable!! Seriously, I wish I'd taken a picture of it.

You know, this is the type of entry where I wish I had pictures to accompany everything I say so you (especially those in Singapore) will knowwww whaat I'm trying to saaaaaaaaay!!!!! Aggh.
I think I'm getting sick, my throat feels itcy, scratchy and furry. Sigh!

I had another driving lesson today and my instructor said I need to concentrate more. I'm taking that as a euphemism for being absent-minded and unobservant. He'd tell me to turn right and I'd flick my indicator right and start veering left. My mother used to chastise me for being unobservant and careless, launching into typical "How can you succeed in life if you're like that??" lectures which I had obstinately refuted. But in recent years, I'm starting to see what she means. Begrudgingly.

Makes me feel like I'm waving my little white flag in the air; caving in to some notion of unintelligence, an admission of pathetic dullness, a lack of deft brightness. Or as Smashmouth puts it very aptly, "I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed..." I feel flaky. Woeeeeee.

I attended all my classes yesterday so I treated myself to a frivolous magazine! All that gloss and photoshopped glamour. There is something so dull about real life sometimes. It neither has that charming faded yellowness of old pictures nor the gloss and colour of magazines. It feels so... real. I'm at the magazine phase now; I want my life snapped in still pictures of bold shades and electric colour, perfectly arranged, unrealistic, caught in moments, then framed and hung. Haha, just for kicks. Life feels too ordinary right now: impending exams, bad hair days, churlish grumpiness......... aghhhha;lskdjfk.

This whimsical whinging has got to stop! Because I guess underneath all this wistful unattainable desire, God has blessed me abundantly, and His word has been a comforting shaft of light in the past week of dreary mood swings. One thing I'm learning is to praise and thank Him no matter what the situation, to find joy in Him even when it seems bleak, because He is the everlasting, He is love, He is Lord, and He has saved us from the chains of sin and death... how can we ever thank Him enough for it or fully declare His praise? Really need to learn to praise and thank Him so much more!

"Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good. His love endures forever.
Give thanks to the God of gods. His love endures forever.
Give thanks to the Lord of lords. His love endures forever."
Psalm 136

The internet is back; say goodbye to being a virtual cripple! No more dvds running on monotonous repeats, no more aimless pottering around, no more restless overstretched naps. I can now check my email, print out lecture notes, facebook, blog surf, skim through random things on wikipedia....... .. .. .. ..... . I am unabashedly a product of this technologically-dependent generation of fibre-optic cables and wireless connections held together by hyperlinks. If I didn't have my mobile phone or dvds, I would have cried. I really would.

So midsem break is over, I have kissed the last vestiges of a holiday goodbye. It is back to the daily grind. And while a part of me is glad to be subject to the parameters of schedules again, the break seems to have sped by so quickly that I didn't have time to relish the flippant languidity of a real holiday!

Okay, let's do a quick recap of this midsem break since the last time I blogged:

There was Angie's birthday parrrrty! A backyard barbeque strung with coloured lights, a delicious spread and warm company; quite the potent combination. I like nights like that. Nothing very significant, nothing written indelibly, but only the soft imprint of iridiscent light and laughter swimming by in a myopic blur.

This picture best depicts how I remember the entire night
Angie has the best backyard for jumping shots! This is our terrible attempt. Or Taiki/May's crappy phototaking skills :P

HAHA! I LOOOOOVE THIS PHOTO.
This is May, one of my funniest and bestest friends.


And there was Driving Range Part II. This time not with David and Tim but with Chikky, Jeremy and An. Chikky and I said we would embarrass ourselves and we did. Jeremy told us it was his first time and if anyone would embarrass himself, it would be him. But he didn't embarrass himself. He was hitting 150+ metres with that very healthy resounding thwack of a neat, straight shot. Howwwwwww unfair. But good times! I'm determined to pick up golf again and practise as much as I can when I'm back in Singapore!

And there was the Cockroach Incident. I'd hopped in the shower and turned on the taps, only to hear a gluggy gurgle and watch with helpless horror through the shower screen, water flowing out from our drainage vent, spitting out a family of three cockroaches along with it. Two babies and a full-grown spindly-legged cockroach. Yuck. And that horrible thing decided to take cover by crawling onto my bath towel, ruining whatever options I had of grabbing my towel and making a quick run for it! Anyway, Shilong to the rescue because when I'd plucked up enough nerve to run out of the bathroom, I called him and he came with a spray can and very heroically killed that blasted bug for me! :)

And there was Mid-Autumn Festival at CCCB Coopers Plains. I don't mean to sound like a hypondriach, but what would otherwise have been a very enjoyable night was caught in a splitting headache made worse by me sitting right in front of the crackly sound system. Felt like someone had pinched my brains with their fingertips.

And there was a lot more movie and dvd-watching. And there was Gossip Girl!!! It's out, it's out! Frivolovity and television decadence at it's worst and it's out! I was a little miffed at first about the obvious deviance from the book, but then decided that if I'm going to enjoy the series, it'd take abit of perspective tweaking. So I'm going to pretend that I've never read the books and watch it with the fresh naivete and ignorance that one has when they're watching a new show.

Ok, time to bounce! Byeeeee.