so much for blogging everyday because I've now upgraded to blogging twice a day.
I was trying to restrain myself, but I really need to talk.
although the strange thing is I don't feel like talking to anybody.
so hence, blogging.
like adam once said (I know I always use this example but it really cracked me up; and it's so true too!)
when shumin is sad, she talks to her computer.anyway now I'm not really sad.
or at least not sad in the conventional I-am-upset-about-something sense but just a little blue.
I really like that word (or colour..?) somehow, because I think it really describes that in between feeling.
just like how the colour blue is a relatively nice comforting colour but just bordering on melancholy.
so yea you know,
just a little bit.
I was just thinking while lying on my bed and thinking how is it we can have these multiple thoughts and it'd be quite horrific, or catastrophic (!!), if anyone quite knew what was running through your mind.
but at the same time, sometimes you wished someone knew what you were thinking without you having to say it.
and the funny thing is, really, that quite often once that thought just passed through your head, you wouldn't have remembered thinking it, unless that thought popped right back into your head.
but lately, my thoughts have been operating on pop-up mode because the same old keep popping up in my head even when I don't want it to.
and those really nice random thoughts that you know you'd want to note because it's just such a pleasant or interesting thought just... fade away after you've thought them.
which is quite irritating, so I think I've been trying to have some kind of thought-control.
I read somewhere that mental attitude sins (ie. worrying, fear, paranoia etc, those that manifest within you) are the most destructive kind of sins and these are the kind of sins you start committing when you let your mind run free.
like me, especially since I think way too much for my own good and always end up feeling out of sorts.
I'm getting the holed-up syndrome again.
I can read the signs because again I'm almost permanently on "Appear Offline" mode, and I always feel like talking but yet I don't feel like talking to anybody, and all I want to do is read blogs, books, watch tv and sleep.
I think the really nice thing about blog-hopping is that it allows you to watch a certain life, or more accurately lives, progress day by day without you actually living.
and the difference between reading blogs and books is that blogs never really have a beginning or an ending or even a plot for that matter; whereas books always have that setting in display for you.
and you never really know what's going to happen in a blog.
because who knows what tomorrow brings.
I used to imagine that in the future, many books would actually be published blogs.
something quite similar to Adrian Mole, except in modern 21st century blog style.
anyway, back to blogs, it's quite interactive with tagboards and slammers (not that I like slammers or condone their actions) and it just feels, you know, real.
of course I do know that not all facets are published on blogs, but you still get to a certain angle of a person and the way they think, live, whatever.
and when I leave, other than msn/email/phonecalls/skype (yayness for technology!!!!), blogs is probably one way I'll know whats going on with my friends without actually talking to them.
speaking of leaving, I think I'm quite sad and scared to go, but on the other hand I can't wait and am quite excited at the prospect of having a brand new erm.. well life, so to speak.
I think before I move on to a new future, I need to close up and sort through my past.
because I'm the kind of person who lives her future based on her past.
by that I don't mean moulding my future into a replica of the past, but alot of my actions would be carried out based on what I'd learnt and felt and whatever.
plus with the sudden lack of blogs to read, I started reading my old entries.
and I also found alot of things I thought had been deleted when we rebooted the computer.
when I think about the past, I always think about the same few people.
you may forget experiences and moments, but you always remember the people.
and as long as you remember them, the experience and moment will automatically come back.
so digging through the old documents in my computer made me remember people.
special people.
and the things they said, the things they did.
I think what's interesting is how when something special and new comes up, then the memory of what was special before starts to fade and it becomes less intense, but definitely not less significant.
just like my first and longest bestfriend.
when we had our fight and didn't talk at all, I thought about her so often that year.
she was the one who taught me how to rollerblade (I still can't by the way), and we used to team up in fights against whoever we were having a fight with, and we'd go to each other's houses and play pretend, and took silly neoprints, and basically did crazy things and talked on the phone to each other every night.
(hi, sorry, but if any of you read this and recognise yourself PLEASE DONT TELL ME ON MY BLOG you can tell me in person or choose not to tell me at all because I just need some sort of.. release so erm yes)
then I sorta had a new very good friend, almost like a best friend except she wasn't.
she was the person who introduced me to alot of new people and gave me a good time.
she also introduced me to the first boy I ever really liked.
then I thought about my old best friend a lot less and it hurt alot less.
then there was that first supposed special someone and it was, ohwell, typical first boyfriend kind of feelings which also arise in the typical first breakup kind of feelings.
and then I made a new best friend who was really a great best friend and helped me tide over difficult times.
so just like how my first best friend was truly my best friend in the kiddie-towards-adolescence way of rollerblading and complaining about who doesn't like whom but we're-still-best-friends way, my new best friend was truly my best friend in the whole teenage-growing-years-finding-your-own-identity, being there during breakups and friendship breakdowns and all kinds of silly teenage moments, kind of way.
and then I got over my first breakup and all those feelings and whatevers started to fade.
then of course things got abit complicated along the way and it brought about a lot of tears and loneliness and losses.
but then I had a whole bunch of really great girlfriends; the kind who call you out and cheer you up, and you can talk a whole load of nonsense with yet be quite very true with how you're feeling, go shopping with, cook with, and have sleepovers with.
that kind of girlfriends.
and also the girlfriends whom you might not hang out with 24/7 but you know they're there at the end of the day.
and all that helped numb out and take away whatever intensity of sadness that was left.
so I guess the bottomline of what I'm saying is that, no matter what things always do get better in some way or another.
of course it might not be as good as before, or it might be way better, or whatever it is, there can't be much basis for comparison because every friendship, experience or moment is different and exists in its own special bubble, but the intensity will go.
the acute sensations will disappear and you get a fond bittersweet memory.
it doesn't make anything less special or less significant, it just makes that current emotion fade away.
and sometimes you get new experiences and new friendships with the same people.
well, life is always changing.
and what's down must come up.
so there's always a reason to smile and something to look forward to.
ok, I think I had better stop.
I told you I needed to talk, but which living friend of mine would actually verbally want to hear me say all this.
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