I haven't felt this exhausted in a really long time. But why I'm still up and blogging is because I'm waiting for my hair to dry and I've neglected this blog for a while now. It was a long day today and I've an early start tomorrow, which means I cannot wait to pop straight into bed and close my eyes into sweet oblivion. I attended the law revue today which was good, but not as good as the year before, and right at the back of my head pushing to the forefront are pressing deadlines and unfinished revision, creeping into my fatigue. I've just spent two and a half hours doing up the YF address list, which probably shouldn't have taken that long, but it's all because I am very computer and, even more so, microsoft office illiterate. Tomorrow heralds the start of a long spate of exhausting events: assignments due, exams, exams and MORE exams.

But I guess despite feeling like I'm on the verge of senseless, childish tears, there is a spark of joy stemmed from the trust that He does give strength to the weary and power to the weak!

I feel like saying something but I don't know what to say. Fingers poised over the keyboard, but with nothing precise to write; I can only expect a jumbling stream of incoherent babble. Sometimes it really sickens and wearies me that eloquence only rears its thoughtful face when I'm harbouring some tremor of sadness. But in plateaued phases, I have nothing to say, nothing to write, no concrete line of thought, even when I feel like simply... talking.
I don't even have anything important to say, I never do these days; it's more like casual mindless chatter, like getting out on a warm balmy day.

Of course there are more pressing matters that are screaming for my attention:
- Crim assignment (haven't started, oops)
- Notes for crim procedure and legal theory
- Financial management revision

I haven't done any of the above, and I blame it on this sticky indulgence that seems to be permeating the air with muted indolence, pervading my senses, rendering it perfectly okay to be thinking about which book to read, which series to watch, even when there's a pile of unfinished work stashed at the back of my head.

aghhaghaghhh!

Dreary skies and cold weather have that way of making me imperceptibly bluer, holed and huddled up in a fog of freezing fingers and aching joints. But it's also the perfect weather for warm toasty beds and self-proclaimed allowance for some indolent indulgence and gluttony!
I think I must have drunk four bowls of hot instant soup and munched through two bags of kettle chips in two days.

And under Jamesy and Jack's recommendation, I finally watched One Litre of Tears! I'm not gonna lapse into typical cliched puns about having cried one litre of tears during this series, but I did weep my eyes swollen with ghastly mucus running down my nose. HAHA, reminded me of the time I watched Brotherhood with Michelle and sobbed myself silly.

Anyway, THIS (below) is the male lead and don't you think he looks uncannily like Lyd's brother? Lyd, if you're reading this, don't you think he looks like your bro?


After watching this, I couldn't help but be so thankful that I'm alive and healthy.
I think sometimes we take our health for granted, and I truly thank God for showing me how precious this life which He's given us is, and how grateful I am to Him for keeping me in good health! :)

Happy Birthday MeatMeat!
I really wish I could be there on your birthday spending it with you and the girls. We've really come a long way; poundpuppy pals when we were 10! You were such an integral part of my past, are an integral part of my present and will be an integral part of my future :) Thank you for always being there for me, for being the sensible one, the one that's always up for anything; I cannot imagine life without you, like seriously. Anyway HAPPY BIRTHDAY MICHEETO! I heart you!

I was at BLT Plus last weekend and I'm really glad I went because I learnt so much, got many of my questions clarified, and even realised that God had answered some of my prayers that even I had forgotten about!

I remember sitting there during the first talk and when Peter Lin said How can I be so certain that the Holy Spirit is amongst us? It's because we are sitting with our bibles open. Where the word of God is, there the Holy Spirit is! I was struck by the sword of the Spirit.
It made me realise the enormity and gravity of God's word and how sometimes I can be so flippant and casual about reading and understanding the bible. Which shouldn't be the case because the bible is the supreme authority being God's word, and every single word and page I read is God speaking and convicting me! So if I don't learn how to handle His word properly, I am actually abusing or even treating His word lightly.
Yikeees.

I remember last YM camp Stella was telling me about why is it sometimes we can read the bible but it just seems as though we are merely reading it; nothing's convicting us, nothing has changed, we can't remember anything we've read.
And she said it's because we are reading the word, but we do not have the rhema word of God.
It was then when she said that that I prayed that God would speak to me every single time I read the bible, that I may learn how to meditate on His word and understand it.
And I remember Laura and I talking about theology sometime and how I said I was interested in it but I didn't know how to tackle it. I remember praying about it.

And it's so funny because it was something that I shelved at the back of my head, thinking it would be something for later but little did I realise that during all this time, from the day I uttered those words in prayer, right till now, the Holy Spirit has been working in me, changing me, sending people to teach me how to read and understand His word and slowly giving me more understanding.
Again it hit me that His word and prayer shouldn't be taken lightly because He created the universe by His word and all scripture is God-breathed, thus our words to God and His word to us is soooo important!

We had this section called Manuscript Discovery too, where they gave us a passage of scripture and we had to trawl through it together in groups, discussing it's meaning, listing our questions and learning how to apply it together.
When I first skimmed through the questions and instructions, I thought it wasn't too difficult, but you know what.... IT WAS.
Again, that hammered home the thought about how important it is to handle God's word correctly and seek confirmation with leaders and I was so glad for the opportunity to learn how to read and understand His word.

This BLT has shown me that God's Spirit is ever present within us and that we should learn to handle His word properly and treasure it. Many times I think I've taken the bible for granted; which shouldn't be the case because man shall not live by bread alone but by every word, and the wise man shall build his house on the rock which is the word of God!

Anyway, some pictures from BLT Plus!

May, Lise, Manda and I in our very grotty dorms with equally grotty narrow beds. Another thing I took home with me this BLT was the strengthening of friendships and thanksgiving to God for blessing me with such wonderful sisters in Christ! And I had a very good time smacking Manda's bottom everytime she made the precarious climb up and down her upper bunk, ha ha.



HAHA. I think this was after Talk 3 and all three of us were nursing back aches from badminton so we were giving each other massages! Whee. Talk about looooove.



See the guy in the middle? THAT IS JACK. Jack who wouldn't stop saying "I think I'm Japanese!" So yea, we all want to kick the traitor's behind.



Good times! This was the last night when we were all hanging out, listening to music and singing from our mobile phones and sharing about how we came to surrender our lives to Christ. Ohwell, crazy for Christ!



WHEEEEEEE!

Happy Birthday Slimbean!
To my favourite yck pal, one third of the lido trio, happy happy birthday and I love you! Stop being such a busybee and pops queen and make time for ME. Because I love you loads! I love you for your caring ways, I love you for the way you talk so much, I love you even when you eat all my chicken wings, I love you because you know how to make me feel less alone, I love you for the way you always believe the best in people. Thanks for being one of my bestest friends and I can't wait til I see you again :) Anywaaay, okay, I'll save everything else I want to say for my card, loooooooove you! xoxo

It's my 1000th post today. As I watched the figure on blogger slowly inch towards the 1000 figure, I had all these grand plans of what I would blog about; something meaningful, something worth marking, something worth reading.

The irony is that on the day I'm brimming with emotion and needs to blog for some fast verbal cartharsis, it's not because I've reached an epiphany or gained some revolutionary insight, but because I've just received a letter from the university regarding my change of course. Funny how a crisp sheet of paper folded into one-thirds can fan me into a flurry of quaking knees and queasy insides. Funny what bad news a congratulatory letter can bring.

Because now... ...

What am I going to do about that one subject they simply refuse to grant me credit for?

The academic advisor told me I only needed to do two extra subjects and should be able to graduate on time, so why does my new graduation date say 30/11/2012 instead of 30/7/2011??! THATS ONE AND A HALF YEARS MORE!

What am I going to do about my extension of visa if above applies?

How do I do that?!

Is my study plan even correct?!

If it's not, my mum is going to kiiiiiiiiiiill me for being an irresponsible, unobservant brat!

God, please help me. Let me be able to book an appointment with the academic advisor ASAP and get everything sorted out. Thank You for looking out for me.

My memory is so bad nowadays that my week seems to have melded itself into a watery blur of pie, salad, tennis and books. Sort of makes me wonder whether the stale fumes of my room have dulled my brain to a muted play, because everything seems submerged with an underwater effect, an indiscriminate display of iridiscence. I think I'm drowning with flakiness.

I played tennis yesterday and there's a satisfactory ache in my limbs which makes me want to play more tennis! Even though I'm decidedly crap at the sport, adopting all the wrong techniques and anticipating the bounce too late.

Supermarketing makes me happy.
I feel homey and domesticated, feeding both the crave for foods and the subtler quality of feeling organised, put-together and even maybe a little grown up, which seems so lacking nowadays.
And in a bid to eat healthily, I now have in my pantry and fridge: a thick slice of blue cheese, a box of yummy crispbread (I love it, and it's healthy too!), celery sticks, a tub of sun-dried tomato dip, a bag of rocket salad, and some champagne ham and butterhead lettuce for quick sandwich fixes!

Ohhhhh, I just found out that they're gonna make a Gossip Girl TV series. And I'm kind of embarrassed to admit this, but I am absolutely teeming with frivolous girly excitement!
Josh Schwartz who was the creator of The OC is gonna be the executive producer for it so I'm hoping that it's gonna be every bit as good as The OC was.
Toilet-reads coming alive on the silver screen, whee!



Okay, I am a teeeeeeensy bit disappointed with the cast because, truthfully, what would you expect after 11 books of fabulously gorgeous, perfect, model-esque Serena Van der Woodsen and pert, fox-like, Audrey Hepburn lookalike Blair Waldorf?



I suppose Blake Lively is pretty enough, but I kind of expected Serena to have that arresting careless beauty, that little extra something which makes Serena Van der Woodsen, Serena Van der Woodsen; that little something that I don't think Blake Lively seems to have.



And ooookay, for Blair Waldorf..... err I don't know. I was kinda expecting a snootier, blue-blooded version of Summer Roberts. Leighton Meester didn't really live up to what I expected of Blair Waldorf.

Okay, enough frivolous chatter for one night. I am going to kick back with a delicious dinner and a dvd of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.
Perfect.

"Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.

This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.

Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another."

1 John 4:7-11

I was praying last night and asking God how can I be more like Him, how can I obey Him, and these verses sprouted to mind.
I then asked God how can I love others more? I asked Him to show me a practical way of loving others more, an instruction of His that I can follow.
And the words pray earnestly for others came to mind.

By the amazing hand of God, the chunk I was reading from Desiring God was on prayer. The two parts that spoke very loudly in my heart were
1. Prayer as a pursuit of God's glory
2. Praying like an adulteress

For the first part, it was written that without Christ, we are capable of no good (John 15:5, "I am the vine, you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.")
And in aforementioned verse, it also shows that God intends for us to good - bear fruit.
It is written in Desiring God:

"How then do we glorify Him? Jesus gives the answer in John 15:7: "If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you." We pray! We ask God to do for us through Christ what we cannot do for ourselves - bear fruit. Verse 8 gives the result: "By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit."

So how is God glorified by prayer? Prayer is the open admission that without Christ we can do nothing. And prayer is the turning away from ourselves to God in the confidence that He will provide the help we need. Prayer humbles us as needy and exalts God as wealthy."

This first bit really opened my eyes as to how important prayer is, especially prayer made in love and humility.
I admit, I've been slipping into a life of indifferent complacency, and not allowing God to bear the fruit which glorifies Him!
He's been really good to me, and for that I am so thankful.
But what is better than to let this love that God has showered in my life overflow and stream into the lives of others by work of the Holy Spirit?
And when God placed the burden in my heart to pray earnestly for others, it reminded me of my selfishness and my lack of humility and love to let Him bear the fruit in my life and lives of others.

Which then brings me to the second bit of in Desiring God which touched my heart: Praying like an adulteress.

"So there is a kind of praying that is wrong because it makes a cuckold out of God (see James 4:3-5). We use our Husband's generosity to hire prostitues for private pleasures. These are startling words. James calls us "adulterous people" if we pray like this.

He pictures the church as the wife of God. God has made us for Himself and has given Himself to us for our enjoyment. Therefore it is adultery when we try to be "friends" with the world. If we seek from the world the pleasures we should seek in God, we are unfaithful to our marriage vows. And, what's worse, when we go to our heavenly Husband and actually pray for the resources with which to commit adultery with the world, it is a very wicked thing. It is as though we would ask our husband for money to hire male prostitutes to provide the pleasure we don't find in Him!"

Truthfully, I never saw it that way and when I read this, my eyes and heart were open with horror and shame!
Prayer is a response to God, and this made me think, am I responding to what God wants me to pray for, or am I merely praying self-centred prayers that do not align themselves with God?
When we give ourselves to God, we give ourselves to love.
Thus, the only manifestation of love in this process is that love from God streams into our lives and overflows into the life of others.

And to pray earnestly for others is God's way of teaching me to set aside earthly pleasures, and to allow Him to expand my heart to receive the love He has shown me and learn to love others; because He has said not only just to pray, but to pray earnestly for other people.

Yay, a brand new start to a brand new week. But much to my chagrin, it's been rather... aimless, so to speak. None of that buoyant activity that comes with a new week whatsoever; not even stained with the typical shade of Monday blues! Instead, I spent a very muddled Monday cooped up at home doing... well, almost nothing. Shaaaaame.

Okay, maybe not nothing. Highlights of a very nondescript day include:

1. My irresponsible driving instructor. He didn't come! I forced myself out of bed and got suited up in record time, only to face the dismal disappointment of his absence. (Or the fact that I didn't get to go for my first driving lesson; I was so excited, I'm telling you) I am going to call up another driving school this week. I must. I will.

2. I started reading Middlesex. Hasn't disappointed yet, although all that Greek talk and mention of Greek food makes me crave for a refreshing, well-tossed Greek salad: fetta cheese, lettuce, olives and all. Yum!

3. I decided that all this loafing and slugging around was enough! I took matters into my own hands and made a trip down to the supermarket to buy groceries. I got my whiff of fresh (this is debatable, considering the traffic) air and managed to buy the necessary ingredients for dinner tonight. Along with a slew of completely unnecessary fatty foods (potato chips, canned soup and chocolate chip cookies) and a copy of Marie Claire (because I caved in to frivolous materialism)

4. I wore an old white top out today (Topshop, from four years ago) and was somewhat discomfitted because the sleeves rose a good three inches above my wrists and the bottom didn't even skim the top of my high-waisted jeans! What a frightttttt. I still wore it anyway. I was going to the supermarket!

5. I called my Mum. And she wasn't listening to me.

Me: So I was going to......
M: Mmm.
Me: Yea and then I was thinking...
M: Mmm.
Me: But you see, it would be really...
M: Mmm.
Me: Hmm... what are you doing?
M: Mmm.

SULK.

6. I cooked dinner tonight! Decided against slipshod half-hearted stabs at making dinner simply because I favoured speed, but put in extra effort this time. Even attempted to sprinkle a variety of colour amongst the dishes by adding extra ingredients! Success! Or so I like to think.

Okay, THE END.

We were looking at old pictures stuck in a long forgotten folder and I showed David a picture of me in my skinnier days, perhaps my skinniest. David asked how and why did I get so skinny and I told him I think I was sad and depressed then and had no appetite. And he nodded as though everything made sense.

Then I remember sometime at the beginning of this year, when I had lost 2 kgs from being my fattest, ever, and Joey commented that I have lost weight, but he thought I looked... "fatter but happier" when I resembled a chubby sausage.

But I don't think it had anything to do with being happy. My appetite seems to grow when it matches some sort of equilibrium in my life. Contrary to most people, books, whichever, I never turn to food when I'm depressed or immensely happy; in these stages, my stomach seems to work in either some sort of constricted revolt or takes on the form of a fluttering being and feeds merely on happy air.

It's times like now, when my life has hit a plateau, that thoughts of food seem to fit itself in the empty crevices, filling up unoccupied spaces of boredom and indifference. It's funny because I'm not fat and happy, fat and depressed, but rather I am fat and indifferent. I seem to have channelled the need to find something worth being excited over to... food.

And it's at times like these, that food becomes one of my favouritest things in the world :)

Another uni week has passed and I am so glad that the weekend is finally within my fingertips!
Although it seems quite dreadful that the quicker the weekend arrives, the quicker it ends and before I know it, I see another week of monotonous humdrum doling out new work, adding to the already teetering pile. Agh.
It doesn't help that 3 quarters of what I'm doing this semester has failed to capture my interest and I've very childishly pushed it to the back of my head and in a dishevelled heap on the floor.
Out of sight, out of mind; I know it doesn't work that way, but I haven't quite mustered up that spurt of energy to trundle myself through. Sigh.

I want to go shopping! And lose (some, not alot of) weight.
My idle hands have been kept busy doing frivolous things like clicking through fashion and celebrity websites, and admiring those thin pins with disgruntled envy.
And I want to procure some new books! My personal library is getting a little old, and I'm getting sick of all my the over-read dog-eared books.
I want some amazing new literature that will blow my socks off and knock all sense out of me, leaving me reeling in its wake.
Somehow I don't count Harry Potter as literature even though I loved it. Loved it.

Derek headed back to Singapore for good on Monday night and we (housemates) sent him off along with his oodles of friends, loitering around the airport even after he'd gone through the, what do you call it, gates? And we stood on the upper floor, peering through the glass, waiting for a last glimpse of him as they (not me) shouted his name and bid him with our final frantic goodbyes.
Somehow I think I'm becoming indifferent to goodbyes, save for my own.
I tried to gain some inkling of what Derek might have felt and I tossed up a lot of words, but I felt nothing.
It's funny wondering without feeling, because it feels too remote, too surreal, like the link between your head and heart has snapped; but yet you know it's looming ahead and will hit you smack right in the chest when it comes, rendering you almost speechless with the deluge of emotion.

Anyway...

Goodbye Derek, Unit 83 misses you! See you in Singapore!