hehheh today is a mighty retarded day full or retarded things.
first of all had 2.4 and never had such a terrible time running before.
deproved by a good two minutes but im just happy i'm done with it :) suffered my usual series of stomach cramps followed by headaches after. but didn't really stop me from having a good time either.

huiying reminds me sooo much of those grumpy babies on tv that can talk and swear. just superimpose her face on a baby's body wearing a bonnet and you can just imagine her as a major baby grouch swearing at youuu!
huiying's also one lousy fruit eater, heh heh.
and cass really deserves whatever's going for her so i am mighty glaaad:)

suee and i had a nice time sleeping during math lecture and a pretty good girly lunch although quincy graced us with his presence.
ha ha MILO MILO MILO! girly recesses are so much fun. you get to be as retarded as you like, unlike breaks with guys cause we let them get all the attention as they fight to speak.

and this has to be conversation of the day!

during lit class while we're doing Othello
me: (teacher just said something) OOH! SCARY MARY!!
mich: hyper piper!
me: shut up pup!
mich: maybe baby!
me: harrrumph.. let me think err.. BINK!
mich: i can't think of anymore! MOOR! YOU MOOR!!

days in all their retardness, has made me very lighthearted despite the bloody headache.
AND I HAVE A TON OF HOMEWORK TO COMPLETEEE!
THANK GOODNESS ITS FRIDAY TOMORRRRRROWWWW!

pms pangs have a very strange way of making my brain click on and off and my emotions tumble about like a rolling dice.
which probably accounts for why i'm having two blog entries in a night.
blog entry #1 for all the lovely or not so lovely happenings of the day.
and blog entry #2 for the time of reflection when the hustle and bustle of the day is over and i can actually listen to my brain speak.

jealousy's one powerful emotion. i think it has the capability to switch off and cancel out all preconceived perceptions of others and myself and change radically into something mean and nasty. of course perhaps it isn't a change, but more of something lying dormant in our hearts just waiting for jealousy to let loose its green eyed monsters and let them erupt.

and perhaps jealousy is closely linked to two contradicting factors: insecurity and arrogance.

insecurity.
we never feel good enough.
someone is always prettier, smarter, wittier, funnier, slimmer, sweeter and all the worldly gifts we'd like to possess.
but we can't.
there's a sense of self-hate revolving around in us, where we constantly berate ourselves for not being better, or for possessing characteristics that we feel is not up to standard or society cannot appreciate.
and this self-hate really eats into us, so much so we even start to envy good friends, wishing that their good fortune did not fall upon them.
its got alot to do with the entire if-i-can't-have-it-she/he-can't-have-it mentality.
and thats so self-centred.
which again leads to the other side or arrogance.
why are we jealous?
because we feel as though we're capable too? so why don't others see it in us, but see it in others?
its bitter resentment, because we don't feel as though we're lacking, but why is it others have it better than us?

humans are a walking mass of conflicts and i am no exception.
i don't like to myself as jealous, petty, possessive, competitive or any of these not nasty, but just unbecoming traits.
but it becomes evident when the prick in the heart starts to bleed all these clouded thoughts and sullen moods.
i don't know what's wrong with me really.
it's so easy to blame it on pms.
and that i will do :)

woke up feeling like i'd spent the night sleeping on rocks, and coupled with uncontrollable hair full of cowlicks, i can't say i had a very good day.
the day passed in a haze and i was very much waiting for it to be over.
track and field meet after.
was heaps of fun watching those trailblazers BURRRRRN UP THE TRACK!
heh heh

and realised i have a ton of homework to complete.
gp essay, econs essay outline, chinese, gp education thingum and othello scene 3 summary.
and tomorrow's 2.4 run.
and tomorrow is TERRIBLE THURSDAY!
which means... SHITTY TUTORIALS LECTURES CLASSES OR WHATEVER YOU WANNA CALL IT!

i am aching:(
and i hope i hope i hope..
ahhhh.. whatever. screw this blog really.
i am too mentally tired to write.

gab: YO! put up a tagboard please! then i can tag you!! and whats the nick i missed out?

eric: yea, ONE BEST FRIEND AYE? honoured or not.

and here's something i read in newsweek.
is it HEARTLESS or WHAT!

It began as another day of stone-throwing at Biddo, a West Bank village that has seen repeated clashes between Israeli troops and demonstrators protesting the Israeli security fence. As he stood watching the protests, Mohammed Badwan, 13, was apparantly grabbed by Israeli officers and tied by one arm to a screen covering the windshield of their armored vehicle. A photographer snapped a picture of the incident, which brought condemnation from human-rights groups. "He was a shield for them," the boy's father, Saeed Badwan, told reporters. "When I saw him on the hood of the jeep, my whole mind went crazy... It's a picture you can't even imagine. He was shivering from fear."

sorry, i have a real soft spot for kids.
seeing them cry, is enough to make ME cry.

and here's another random thing i found in newsweek.

"He was a big boy and obviously aroused." Dave Alsop, a visitor at a British safari park, attempting to explain the two-tonne white rhino that tried to have sex with his car.

hmm, everyone should read newsweek.
AND POANIE! THIS ISSUE HAS KOREAN STARS ON THE FRONT COVER!!

I AM FEELING GOOD :)
didn't start out great, but i feel good.

and stella, all those econs tags, I DON'T UNDERSTAND. and i won't ace my test.
but it's not getting me down.
i'm still in a good mood.
SOOO..
i shall do dumb self centred things :)

W O U L D Y O U R A T H E R
1) pierce your nose or tongue?
- err nose. i think the tongue has way more nerves? and the thought of eating with a wounded tongue just.. pains me.

2) be serious or be funny?
- a lil of both.

3) drink whole or skim milk?
- hate milk.

A R E Y O U

4) simple or complicated?
- haha complicated i think

D O Y O U P R E F E R

5) grey or gray?
- errr.. jeEz okay. like one is just marbles-in-mouth british while one is AMERICANOOOO!


6) colored or black-and-white photos?
- smth i love about black and white : ) hides the bloody zits and pale skin/dark skin blahblah too! but colour looks nice too.
argh depends.


7) lust or love?
- love. but i think lust must be there for somee.. sexual attraction? OKAY LOVE.

8) sunrise or sunset?
- sunset

9) M&Ms or Skittles?
- m&ms

10) rap or rock?
- depends on my mood

11) staying up late or waking up early?
- staying up

12) TV or radio?
- NO NEED TO ASK! ITS TV!

13) eating apples or oranges?
- depends on my mood again.

A N S W E R T R U T H F U L L Y

14) Do you have a crush?
- nooooope. even if id id.. i wouln't write it herree.. NYEHNYEHNYEH. shit imbeing spastic.

15) Who is it?
- nobody

D O Y O U P R E F E R

16) being hot or cold?
- errrr.. i've always prefered the cold type on others, but i guess if it were me hot? cause more people like hot than cold although i really appreciate the cold.

17) sun or moon?
- sun

18) left or right?
- right. although when we spin rackets for services, i tend to say left.

19) having 10 acquaintances or 1 best friend?
- ONE BEST FRIEND

20) sun or rain?
- sun

21) vanilla ice cream or chocolate ice cream?
- chocolate

22) green beans or carrots?
- green beans

23) boys or girls?
- the friendship is very different in both? so i like both : )

24) low fat or fat free?
- for food? id unno. for my own body? LOW FAT. cause every girl needs fats to keep her waarrrrm : )

M I S C E L L A N E O U S

25) What is your biggest fear in the world?
- alot.

26) Kids or no kids?
- kids

27) Cat or dog?
- not a very animal person

28) Mustard or ketchup?
- ketchup

29) Hard cover books or soft cover books?
- soft

30) Newspaper or magazine?
- mags.

31) Wonder or amazement?
- what kinda stupid question is this?

32) Red car or white car?
- neither

33) Happy and poor or sad and rich?
- i dont think its possible to be completely happy while being poor cause are you happy being HUNGRY?! but its possible to be sad and rich. id unno. hard question. i wanna be happy and live comfortably.

34) Singing or dancing?
- singing. although i can't do both.

35) Hugging or kissing?
- ooOoohhh..

36) Corduroy or plain?
- err depends. but i guess corduroy.

37) Happy or sad?
- happy.

A B O U T Y O U

Full name?
- gn shumin

Nicknames:
- GN! mintmint shoeminty shumints shroom min

Names and ages of siblings?
- gn shu'en 22

Number of candles that appeared on your last
birthdae cake?
- 16

Date that you regularly blow them out?
- 29th december

Pets?
- no pets

ahh okay thats it for today :)
USELESS FLUFFFFFFFY BLOG ENTRY BUT I DONT CARE.

i know i shouldn't be blogging more than once a day, but i just finished reading through my econs and it's made me wanna blog.
perhaps because i don't feel like talking online and i've had enough of blog surfing for one night, so it's time to put my fingers into exercise.

there's always the nostalgic, whimsical part of us that wishes we could go back to the past, or perhaps bring the feeling of the past into the future. and it's that unspoken longing, the conviction that those days were definitely better than today, and it's had us wishing and hoping and basically waiting like useless fools without actually feeling the real raw emotions.
of course there certainly are better days in the past, but certainly there are better days now or the future, and speaking or thinking like that is just the mindset of where the grass is greener on the other side, or simply us clamouring for the "good 'ol days".

its almost as though being in the present now and thinking about the future, has us thinking of the past without the inconveniences.
when we wish we are babies again because everything was simpler, did we stop to consider that as babies we had lost our freedom of choice?
when we wish we are in kindergarten surrounded by happy playmates without the politics of current friendships, did we stop to think that we did not have actual sense of judgement and analysis?
or simply when we wish we were back in secondary school where the work was easier, did we pause to consider that in actual fact, at that point of time work to us was hard, but it merely seems easier now cause we've been through it?

its a push pull for everything, a win some you lose some scenario.
and we've always had this secret longing for some aspect of the past that made us so happy that we failed to consider the pain it made us feel.
the fact that we've moved on, seems to erase the harsh pain that we'd actually felt, so much so that we only remember how happy it made us feel and how much we want it back.
and its only when we have it back, that the plain rude realities of it all slap us in the face and punch us in the gut, twisting our hearts and minds, and reminds us that however happy it made us feel in the past, it probably will never be the same now, or ever, and the pain that comes along with it will always be harsh.

happiness in its own form can never metamorphasize into an exact replica so that we feel exactly the same way.
each drop of happiness exists in its very own bubble.
for example, if you'd won a gold medal three years ago, and you win it again, is the feeling the same?
if you'd been with someone you loved dearly in the past, and now you've found someone new, is the feeling of euphoria the same?
it certainly isn't.

so much as we'd like to live in the isolated happiness of our past, it's impossible, because i've come to know that happiness is never the same.
because for ever ray of sunshine we get, a drop of water is being evaporated only to fall on our heads someday.

it's only a thin line between falling and staying,
so i've got sanity within my fingertips
and i am never letting go.

thinking with the brain is so much easier than thinking with the heart.
my parents say i rely way too much on my emotions and its probably right that i should start heeding their advice.
after all it's all in the mind.
and what i am doing is playing mind games with myself.
the brain isn't easy.
but with the complexity of the heart, i'd very much like to stick to the brain.
evidently, i am reduced to the average confused teenager with a serious identity crisis.
i do not like this.

econs test tomorrow, wish me lots of luck.
and i need to stop eating so much.

my brain is being raped by stupid project work.
i can't seem to find relevant information even though i have all these ideas and basic outlines in my head.
i know my ideas and assumptions are true, but i just can't seem to find relevant articles and information to support them!
GRR.
or maybe my google skills just suck.

i realised that i can reduce my mother to a bickering unreasonable childish teenager if i use the right language and approach.
she was lecturing me this afternoon in a very 'motherly' way, and by 'motherly' i don't mean a caring and domesticated approach, but rather the imposing, i-am-your-mother-listen-to-me way.
and due to the fact that the weather was extremely hot and humid, i was feeling very lethargic and didn't have the energy to argue back in my usual heated manner, so i began to rebutt her in a somewhat relaxed, nothing-you-say-will-make-me-mad way, and the more relaxed i was, the more furious she got and i swear, she started whining and making all those irritated noises that i usually would and it was quite funny at that point of time.
ha ha : )

i started on econs today and i do feel a wee bit accomplished, although i know what i've done will not help me to pass.
but i gotta get some stuff for pw, or i'd start getting criticisms on being a bad leader and more importantly, i'd not have contributed to anything in the group project file and i'd get a BAD GRADE.
urgh.
and project work is 10% of university entry, i think i'd better do all i can to ensure i get a decent grade since alevels don't seem too promising.

and i've decided i'd start using the school gym cause i dont wanna pay TEN BUCKS A MONTH FOR NOTHING!
so anyone who wants to do a weekly thing at the gym with me, please tell me then we can go and make our ten dollars worth : )
for the whole year.. 120 dollars worth.

OH and i forgot to add.. we beat AJ today!
nice game seniors + juan even though the game score wasn't too fantastic.. hope you had a grrrrrrrreat time in acjc squash and remember us! come back next year to supporrrrrrrrrt!

and great game acjc boys! whoooohooo we beat nj 3-2!
pretty exciting match down there.
shawnyang was like zoombroomflashoflightning fast! and fit too.
as liz would put it "OH FIT ONE, PLEASE!"
urghh suffered bruises and an overstretched shirt courtesy of CHERYL and LIZ!
GRR!

and i think i'll miss them mighty much. cheryl liz stella and yvonne.
especially cheryl and liz whom i have so much fun trading stories with :)

so to my dearest dearest seniors, hope you guys had a great year in acjc. though i havent been here long, its really been nice having you all around. the good times.. THEY ARE STUCK IN MY HEAD!
haha ok that was rubbish anywaaaaaay.
yeah
byebye.
TC HOMIES! (i'm trying to copy shuchua)

ARGHHH! woke up at SIX this morning so i could take a train and be at kallang on time. BUT everyone else was late! except our dear captain, stella, whom i pity much because she had to sit there by her lonesome self while the organised aj team was warming up and stretching in the court TOGETHER.

stopped at kallang mrt station and had no clue how to get to the squash and tennis centre so i took a cab.
had very amusing cabbies today.
the first refused to send me to kallang because he said kallang had many holes beneath the ground and it could crash and crumble and we would all die.
and then i tried to explain to him i didnt exactly have a choice cause i had a competition.
our conversation was in chinese by the way.
and i went "ke shi wo you competition!"
and he went "competition? AIYAH ni HECK CARE HIM lah!"
hahahahhahahah him!!!
and then cause they were drilling and digging the circle line around the squash and tennis centre area, the cabby said he was too scared to go round that road, so he made me stop at mcdonalds and walk to the squash and tennis centre.
hmm, strange guy.. but very entertaining and saved me a buck by stopping me at macs :)
although i did have to walk a bit.
hmm and then from kallang to town, i had a very friendly and affable cabby who engaged me in a conversation about the merits and demerits of squash and swimming and sports in general. very very nice fellow :)

some other stuff happened which i must say made my day :)
just a little comment, a few words in the morning, but it made the rest of my day strangely happier and lighter.
missed team lunch and movie to go out with the bestfriend whom is leaving tomorrow.
although i must say while we were out we weren't exactly spending quality time cause i was too tired and i wanted to watch the prince and me.
so a good two hours was spent in the dark theatre with no exchange of words except for "i like his shirt!"
and after that, i was too stoned to actually say anything.

waited verrrrry long for joan, les and mich to finish their movie and walk over, so i managed to complete a book while i was by myself.
trashhhy book: gossip girl haha. i quote, "poof! rockstar sex kitten - meow!" but that was book 1. so i finished book2 at borders today.

went fareast took spastic neoprints, went popular where karen bought her lovely alphabet puncher, and then bought pasta takeout and ate as fast as i could while i walked to church.
i couldn't really get into the spirit of things or concentrate on the sermon cause i was too exhausted to even stand and sing songs, much less sit through a sermon.
BUT, i tried my best not to fall asleep! which i didnt :)

aaaaand.. hung around macs abit with peiphi and poanie.
haha i am now PUMIN. sounds like puma AYE :D
ok this is another fluffy spastic entry but who CARES.
i am quite a happy girl today..
minus the little bits at the back of my head.. but still, happy i am :)

i koped this off saralow's friendster thing so heh heh i am bored..

: : ==FIRST==

First best friend: judygoh
First date: sectwoo
First break-up: secthree
First self purchased album: err, i can't really recall
First funeral: grandpa's
First pets: hamsters. it was my first and last.
First piercing/tattoo: pierced my ears at taka when i was five
First enemy: err i can't really recall either.. but i always try and makeup with my enemies :)
First play/musical/performance: kindergarten i'd suppose heh.

==CURRENT==

Current best friend: eric
Current martial status: i think it means maritial and not martial?? well single then
Current song playing: nothing
Current thoughts: arghhh dont talk about it.
Current emotions: grumpy
Current status online: online
Current wonder: how i can let one SMALL INSIGNIFICANT THING RUIN MY NIGHT! GRR.
Current instrument played: piano/guitar which i suck at.
Current need: reassurance.
==LAST==

Last cigarette: no smoke no smoke
Last kiss: err define what kinda kiss?
Last good cry: think it was recently. dont know if it was good. a hard one.
Last movie seen: shiiiit i suck i can't remember!!! i think oh right passion of the Christ :)
Last beverage drank: errr soup?
Last food consumed : fish soup porridge and chweekway or however u spell it
Last crush: err didnt have one.
Last phone call: terence
Last tv show watched: umm chinese show i think
Last time showered: couple of hrs ago
Last shoes worn: school shoes
Last cd played: JAYCHOU! ZHOUJIELUN!
Last item bought: canteen FOOD?! ok dont think it counts. so it will be.. stationery i THINK.
Last annoyance: GRR. shall not mention.
Last disappointment: like couple of minutes ago. again i shall not mention
Last ice cream eaten: ohdear. i dont know. haha
Last time wanting to die: never did. unless you count reading some sob story and i imagined what it would be like dying and my loved ones crying over my body.
Last shirt worn: mgs squash tshirt for acjc trg. haha
Last website visited: blogger? ok my OWN blog laaaa.

i love volleyball but I HATE THE BRUISES THEY GIVE ME!
nasty spotty reds and blues and purples all over my forearms and wrists and not to mention they hurt like hell.
and my right wrist is all sore now, i do believe i sprained it during volleyball, cause it hurt so badly when i was playing squash just now.

feeling full and fat now.
dont wanna think about how much i ate today.
tomorrow i PROMISE to cut down.

and philly burst my racket strings for me.
so new strings i will get :)
im starting to regret getting an orange racket now cause its really hard to find decent strings to match.

and i dont particularly have anything to say except i am going to FAIL the stupid chinese test.
and that..
i think miscommunication sucks.
is it miscommunication?
or is it lying?
not so harsh i'd think.
or maybe its just pure inconsideration and lack of management of time.
anyway, whatever it is, i am going to try and swallow my disappointment and anger and let it happen.
because i'm not in the mood to get angry today.
i am just too bruised (literally) and tired.
so i'll leave it at that.
can't say it makes me feel any better.

squash at kallang tomorrow.
beat them 5-0 J2s!!!! and end your squash career with a BANG!

new layout - comments please :)

terrible thursday wasn't so terrible today :)
frantic memorising of math formulas (which FAILED me by the way.. GRR), upside down dyslexia writing attempts, poring through discover magazines and listening to tan cc speak in that hilarious way of hers has made my day rather enjoyable! despite the fact i'm going to get 3/30 for my math test because i could only do ONE question.
but actually KNOWING roughly how to do the math questions now has made me all eager to put them into practise because.. well i don't wanna say it too soon lest it doesnt happen, but i'm getting into the groove of schoolwork and it doesnt seem so bad after all :)
appetite's been growing with me craving for chicken rice and yongtaufoo egg soup everyday.
i have slapped on the pounds that i have lost, unfortunately.
hopefully this eating phase will pass and i'll be disciplined enough to control my appetite.

i'm feeling very rejuvenated for some reason.
everything feels like a fresh start to me.
i am getting a grasp of my math no matter how weak my grip is, but at least i can actually feel it now, and tancc's tutorials have actually led me to understand a wee bit more about demand and supply and elasticity, and now that squash season is almost over and i am sorta back in the team and the routine of training, everything feels brand new.
I FEEL INVINCIBLE!
ha ha :)

ohwell of course there are all these misgivings and whatsoever hovering at the back of my head, but for the timebeing, i shall ignore them and concentrate on feeling accomplished.
i'm starting to feel like it is gonna be all-talk-no-action again.
but ohwell, it feels good to feel rejuvenated anyway :)

had shotput today.
MISSED THE QUALIFYING MARK BY AN INCH!!! AN IIIIIIIIINCH!
arghhhhhh!
and betty wasn't even putting in ANY effort and she just flicked it (well sortaa..) and it was PAST the qualifying mark!
how unfair can this get.
i wanted to at least proclaim i got into the shotput finals.

AND i got to witness a steeple chase event for the FIRST TIME!
it reminded me ALOT of horses in jumping events where they gallop and jump over fences and gates and streams and stuff only to be told that it was taken after a horse event!
and that made me pity the poor runners a little, cause likened to horses and having to hop over those awful fences and splashing into the cold water, is certainly torturous and degrading in my opinion.
but it was interesting anyway watching the 3000m steeple chase race.
so me and crystal were standing with mr markng by the water, screaming and cheering for every single runner that ran past.

haha i am SO self centred.
everything i write in this blog is about ME ME ME.
by the way, discover mag is SO DARRRRN INTERESTING!

- do you know that spider's tastebuds are on their legs? so when they walk all over you, they're actually tasting you. hmm.. YUMYUM :)

anonymous: yes mgs bdiv lost to sc bdiv and what EDDAY? stella meant wednesday. by the way, who are you?

close fight with rj today and although i know we certainly could have won, i'm accepting this gracefully because truthfully, they trained real hard for this, and like mr tan said, they ARE more prepared than us.
so no hard feelings there.
a little sad, of course, because losing isn't a nice feeling at all.
but one thing i love about losing is how it spurs everyone on.
so..
acjc squash team: hey, don't cry anymore.. we left this game in God's hands and this was what He gave us and He must have His reasons for it. so just use this game as a lesson and train harder to show RJ and HC that we're UNBEATABLE!

and cheryl: I AM SO PROUD OF YOUUUUU! you played excellently and its a dream come trueeeeeee! my sissy prayer is SO effective :) haha ohwell owe it to God above. He helped you. and.. really great job there :)

hmm kfc and squash teams have a great bonding effect with the chicken and free refill drinks and inter-school gossiping/teasing etc etc.
rj boy stuck his middle finger out at us TWICE because of incessant teasing, although i don't see why he had to stick it out.. like stella says "I DON'T APPROVE!!"
mr pang is a pretty good math teacher.
learnt more from him in ten minutes that two months worth of math lectures.
although i still don't see how i am going to pass tomorrow because i haven't put my newly aquired knowledge into practise.

took bus 16 and had a good time detouring round places that did not look remotely familiar until i saw bugis junction.
jlo and piggy and singing aren't exactly pleasing to the ears, though it does bring about lots of laughter at their falsetto "LALALALALA" and "moledic" tunes.
attempted to play sing the song and guess what it, but failed miserably.
it wasn't my ears.
it was their singing.

again, despite this superficial entry, there is alot i wanna say.. but i'm too tired to think and string my thoughts into coherent sentences.
and by tomorrow i'd probably have forgotten unless some other incident conjures up this thought.
so i'll leave it at that.
and i need to go borders for some STATIONARY SHOPPING!
i think i'd try and get a written diary.
at least it'd put my hand into practise for long tedious essays AND i don't have to pause and think about what i can/cannot reveal.

As you got up this morning, I watched you, and hoped you would talk to me, even if it was just a few words, asking my opinion or thanking me for something good that happened in your life yesterday. But I noticed you were too busy, trying to find the right outfit to wear.

When you ran around the house getting ready, I knew there would be a few minutes for you to stop and say hello, but you were to busy. At one point you had to wait fifteen minutes with nothing to do except sit in a chair. Then I saw you spring to your feet. I thought you wanted to talk to me but you ran to the phone and called a friend to get the latest gossip instead. I watched patiently all day long. With all our activities I guess you were too busy to say anything to me.

I noticed that before lunch you looked around, maybe you felt embarrassed to talk to me,that is why you didn't bow your head. You glanced three or four tables over and you noticed some of your friends talking to me briefly before they ate, but you didn't. That's okay. There is still more time left, and I hope that you will talk to me yet.

You went home and it seems as if you had lots of things to do. After a few of them were done, you turned on the TV. I don't know if you like TV or not, just about anything goes there and you spend a lot of time each day in front of it not thinking about anything, just enjoying the show. I waited patiently again as you watched the TV and ate your meal, but again you didn't talk to me.

Bedtime I guess you felt too tired. After you said goodnight to your family you plopped into bed and fell asleep in no time. That's okay because you may not realize that I am always there for you.. I've got patience, more than you will ever know.... I even want to teach you how to be patient with others as well.

I love you so much that I wait everyday for a nod, prayer or thought, or a thankful part of your heart. It is hard to have a one-sided conversation.

Well, you are getting up once again. Once again I will wait, with nothing but love for you. Hoping that today you will give me some time. Have a nice day!

Your friend,
GOD

just a little reminder to everyone of you :)

jealousy's a dangerous thing.
lying's a dangerous thing.
hate's a dangerous thing.
hiding is a dangerous thing.
thinking is a dangerous thing.
trust is a dangerous thing.
everything is just so damn DANGEROUS.

anyway mg lost. the irony.
of me putting on my fabulous oscar skills only to realise they were in vain.
they put up a good show though.
so i'm proud of them :)
team mgs: hey dears, don't cry anymore. it was probably meant to be, it was God's will. you all played really well and for everything that happened, i'm sure there's a reason, so don't cry anymore. just concentrate on the O's now for its another hurdle to cross. many more victories and failures will come your way, so be strong! CAD :)

and on a sidenote, I NEED A NEW LAAAAAYOUT.
i shall make one when i'm free.
gotta digup a nice picture though.

-Jesus loves you.
when i was feeling pretty down, elin sent me a message which simply read "Jesus loves you."
and even though i'm not very close to elin and i haven't spoken to her since i left mg squash, this message made my daaaay :)
so i hope it will make yours.

by the way school's getting eventful in a very uneventful way if you know what i mean.

Gua feng zhe tian
Wo shi guo wo zhe ni shou
Dan pian pian
Yu jian jian
Da dao wo kan ni bu jian
Hai yao duo jiu
Wo cai neng zai ni shen bian
Deng dai fang qing de na tian
Ye xu wo hui bi jiao hao yi dian
Cong qian cong qian
You ge ren ai ni hen jiu
Dan pian pian
Feng jian jian
Ba ju li chui de hao yuan
Hao bu rong yi
You neng zai duo ai yi tian
Dan gu shi de zui hou ni hao xiang hai shi shuo liao bai bai

jay chou - qing tian

just in case you need the translation.. i nicked this off from some site :)

This day of the typhoon
I tried to hold onto your hand
But yet
Rain gradually
Heavy to the point that I cannot see you
How much longer
Before I can be at your side?
Waiting for that day when it clears up
Maybe I will be a bit better
In the past, in the past
There was someone who loved you for a long time
But yet
Wind gradually
Blows the distance really far apart
Not very easily
Once again be able to love a day more
But the end of the story it seems like you still said bye-bye


the song i listened endlessly to during prelims and olevels and the song that pulls at my heartstrings.
i dont really have anything to say.
my mind is full of things to say, but my brain refuses to comprehend them.
so.. jaychou for you :)

didn't go to school today, lazed the entire day away.
and, training tomorrow! so i don't need to go for the swim meet.

hmm, and scientists have tried to equate happiness and sexual satisfaction in monetary terms.
happiness = extra $167 000 added to your income in a year and
sex = extra $87 000 added to your income in a year
or at least that's what i think the figures are.
for some reason, it makes me wanna laugh at the ludicrousity of it all.

rather useless blog entry today.
so.. for all those who need a good fluffy read and feel all warm and cushy inside about their physical exterior and craves love and visions of warm tasty food, here's a book for you.
one that i thoroughly enjoy.
Simply Irresistable by Rachel Gibson.

by the way new pics are up!

beat ny today, while me and liz were referees in court one for the first time! it had all the works too! mic and speakers and all :) felt like a real professional referee for once!
although liz and i did make several slipups like forgetting to call wrong sides of service and other stuff like that.
but the mic was very very horrible may i add. stupid mic had the ones "noiseless clear microphone" printed on the cable when it was some noisy, sensitive mic that kept making those shrill twanging sounds everytime i moved it an inch.

went to stella's house after and had soggy instant noodles and bacon and cheese CHEETO balls! coloured the squash poster while stella and cheryl were busily calling people and forcing them to come and support our semis next wednesday.
after that, i plopped onto her bed.
and i'm very fascinated by the giant leaf that cheryl etc gave her.
its this huge nylon leaf that perches over the bed.
and when you sleep under it, you feel like those little fairies, pixies and whatnot sleeping under a leaf. and it shades you from the sun.
so while cheryl was busily trying to wake me up after, in my sleepy stupor i mumbled "don't wake me up from my sleep in the forest."
don't mind the retardness, because today is a day of endless retarded embarrassing moments which left cheryl in fits of laughter in the bus.
and cheryl has a frightfully funny maid who pokes people nonstop and mumbles "wakeupwakeupwakeupwakeup" to wake cheryl in the mornings.
ha ha!
i wanna get A NYLON LEAF!

hmm and Tuesdays with Morrie reminds me alot of A Walk to Remember. Difference in depth, in perceptions, but very alike in terms of death. The whimsical, hopeful yet bittersweet aura that seems to glow whenever death of a strong, open minded person is just round the corner.

and for some reason, this remains in my mind.

It is 1979, a basketball game in the Brandeis gym. The team is doing well, and the student sections begin a chant, "We're number one! We're number one!" Morrie is sitting nearby. He is puzzled by the cheer. At one point, in the midst of "We're number one!" he rises and yells, "What's wrong with being number two?"

The students look at him. They stop chanting. He sits down, smiling and looking triumphant.


there are many things i agree with in the book, and many things that have opened up my mind, and in a coarse childish way, made me see the 'light'. but this, is one thing, one idea, i can't seem to settle an answer on, or feel completely comfortable with.

perhaps we are chasing glory, chasing supposedly immaterial things.
after all, what use is a gold trophy, what use is a title after we're dead and gone?
the only answer i can come up with, is the glory, the passion, the happiness.
the rejuvenation, the self-accomplishment.
thats all i can come up with.
and the feeling of being number one, of having all those feelings manifested within ourselves, is indeed one of the best feelings alive.

okay, but so as not to shade mindsets and visions of the wonderful gold medal, i'd strictly advise MG BDIV and ACJC NOT TO READ THIS THING!!!!
if you do, please remember, what its like to hunger for the gold, and heck bout NOT being number two.
because we are number one and to hell to those who disagree.

things aren't what they seem.
we all have this warped perception of things fuelled by jealousy, sheer trust, or the way society moulds us and the things we should measure up to, or measure. there's so much misinterpretation, miscommunication, and so many faces to hide and masks to slip on and personalities to invade.

sometimes i wonder what is true self.
who are we really?

personality tests are so much fun to do, not only because of the narcissim in us, but because we want to know who we are. we want to feel secure in what we stand for, what we appear to be.
but is it possible to be boxed and packaged like that?
there are so many facets to a person, i don't see how we can really find out what our true being is.
when we look at a person, how do we judge whether we like them or not?
by the side of the multi-structured personalities that they show us?

i don't really understand alot of things.
there are generally 'nice' people and generally 'bad' people.
but yet i don't believe anyone is fully nice or bad.
but some people have such a visibly more potent and dominant side to them, that it is so hard to ignore.
and are nice people really as nice as they are? or are they just still waters that run deep?
do people mean to be as hypocritical as they appear to be?
do people force themselves to backstab or do they do it unknowingly?
it's so hard to understand and condone people's actions.
i can't justify them, and i dont think they can either.
but i do want to try and understand it.

and about ourselves, about me.
do we really act the way we are?
there are always these slogans or tips to success, such as 'be yourself'.
but do people really want us to be yourselves?
our inner self is such a complex buildup of good and evil with all the other factors of social ettiquette, restraint and perhaps education that keep us in rein or make us what we are, that what is really 'ourselves'?
perhaps, being ourselves would mean being completely natural without restraint.
and what if that meant a rebellious or destructive streak left untamed and left to run wild?
is that ourselves?
and would suppressing our over enthusiasm, our anger, our depressions because of social measures and ethics mean that we're ourselves?

what are we?
who are we?
and what makes us do what we do?
what makes people do what they do?

there's so much confusion regarding the human complexity.

and on a sidetrack, i want a lomogram :)
anyway dont mean to sound pretentious or anything, but all these disjointed thoughts are just running through my head.
so bear with me.

tired is the only word for me.
i am veryvery tired, having only clocked 3 and a half hours of sleep the night before.
anyway, had a rather good time yesterday.
a little stoned, but not bad nonetheless.

ok shall type in pointform again.
about yesterday.

- had nice wonton mee with mother and bought nice tight hairbands which ACTUALLY keep my hair up.
-went shopping by myself. bought nice denim skirt (although i told myself no more denim) and found one that was CHEAPER a couple of stores down :( URGH. talk about unlucky.
- couldn't decide between a gold or silver-gray beaded belt so i didnt buy it. -SULKKKKKK. and couldn't decide whether to buy a cotton green skirt for the price they were offering. and eric and marc came all too soon so i couldnt go back to get it. -DOUBLESULK!!!!
- had churros! YUM.
- saw AHEM at terence's church thing and to my nice surprise saw eugeneyeo and jeremy there.
- ter_ong has a FATTTY bro which his mother calls "terence's fat greedy brother" HAWHAWWW :)
- had a pretty good time at terence's church thing so THANKS rens for inviting us!
- gab's thing was soso, ponged with whoever wanted to pong, with marc being the best sober, good ponger around. SORRY puifun, your building blocks can't make it larrrh ;)
- adam surprised me. haha.
- got sulky and stoned halfway through the night.
- cooked, or microwaved more like, instant noodles and beefstew for the hungry souls.
- pongpongpong. thats what i did the whole night.

ok HAPPY EASTER everyone.
and..
i want to get the DAMN BELT AND SKIRT THAT I SAWWWW! ARGH ARGH ARGH!!!!

and oh!
i had a nice talk with mahhh tweeeeenie today :)
yo joansie poansie, i missed you much man.
great catching up.
I HAVE A HOLD OVER YOU!
and your secret's safe with me.

and to the bestfriend, nice spending time with you after not seeing you for a good two months.

to Prospero: err nope, i'm not shumin of bryc. i think that may be the j2 shumin? cause there's a shumin in j2.

AND TO MR GABRIEL TAN: of course its me. im the one who won most of the games that night :) pongpongpong.

hmm, i've had a taste of thomson roti prata and i must say the ravings bout their nice prata is completely WRONG. it is not nice at all. its sweet and small and starchy and tastes really really strange.
hmm, anyway yesterday was ter ong's birthday so.. HAPPY (BELATED) BIRTHDAY TO MR T. ONG AND IAN SEAH!

yeah, met eric then terence and those two pool nuts went to play pool, and both of them are WAY out of my league.
just watching them cue and shoot balls in was.. well for lack of a better word, amazing. especially eric with all his tricksie tricks.
so while they pooled, i went shopping on my own.
argued with some lady over the size of a leather rose, and i finally decided that i shall go to those sewing shops and purchase my own leather rose with a nice size for a reasonably cheaper price as well.
walked t.ong to lido to meet his friends and i finally got Tuesdays with Morrie from mark so now i have good books to read to bide my time, although i think i should be putting more effort into my lit books.

dragged eric to orchard point to i could get my nice blue top, then made our way down to spotlight in ps so i could get my black ribbon.
AND, you know whaaaaaaat. stupid spotlight has satin ribbons in ALL colours except black!
urghh.
saw nice shoes, met puifun and had dinner at thai express.
then cabbed back to my house where they watched soccer and i showered.
then walked to gab's house and had a nice ponging good time!
lucky streak yesterday.
hopefully, lucky streak today.

and today, i am going to go do some shopping on my own, then meet mr erickky chang and off we go to BEDOK for terence's church thingamajig.
then party at gab's.

ok, useless fluffy blog entry.
ok im OUT.

I AM SO PROUD OF YOU CDIV FOR RETAINING THE CHAMPIONSHIP TITLE!! WE ARE THE CHAMPIIONNNNS!
ok although technically, i can't really use 'we' cause i'm not in mgs anymore, but a part of me will ALWAYS belong to mgs so WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS!
i must say i've never gotten so emotional before, with all the tears and grabbing and whatnot.
perhaps it's the feeling of longing and missing for mgs that makes the feeling all the more intense.

hmm, although a teensy part of me wishes i was the one grasping the gold medal, seeing them win, really made me feel like a winner. and i am so proud of them :)

bdiv, now its time to do your job and no pressures or anything allright?
just wanna tell you that, i have faith in you.
so have faith in yourself.
and have faith in God.
YOU CAN DO IT.

I CAN SEE THE DOUBLE GOLD ALREADY.

and to acjc, I SEE THE GOLD TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

it really amazes me how some people can be so driven by their goals and set in their own thinking that they completely disregard the feelings of others. they view things so superficially and just because there is no tangible form of security that the others have with subjects lower than themselves, they think that they are better than them without even looking beyond.

things like respect, open-mindedness, patience, self discovery have fled their minds.
they do not possess these traits or allow others to develop individually, but just because of that stupid goal that has to be so damned important, they disregard others who actually have these traits in them and would command the respect and love of others because of their patience and the space they give for individual development.

how some of these rigid, self centered people can say such irresponsible and hurtful things is beyond me.
how they think they can barge in and take control of the wheel just because they are part of the management.
how they think that their intrusion would bring about more good, that they fail to think of the detrimental repercussions of perhaps, irritation, hate and oppression.

they appear liberal and openminded, but in truth they are not. their minds are so tightly closed i think i'd have better luck trying to pry apart steel clips. their nature so domineering and dominating that they oppress others and suffocate them to death.
they think whatever they do is right.
they think whatever method they use is right.
they think that everyone has to listen to them just because they feel so completely in the right and justified in their actions.
they think their form of discipline is the best.
they think they are doing things for the good of others.
but they are not.

they think so many things about themselves.
but they fail to think of others.
and that is what makes me so damn MAD.

it is midweek and judging by my seven goals, i don't think i've achieved half of them.
okay checklist time.

1. Go through partial fractions and binomial theorem (figure out how to do it) and listen to mr tan when he teaches AP and GP and sigma all over again.

2. Read econs notes for term 1 AND term 2. and understand it. (HALF CHECKED. cos i read half of the term 2 notes so good start)

3. Read GP education package. (HALF CHECKED)

4. Make it a point to go down for the mg/sc game on thursday while simultaneously catching up on the class that i've missed while i was away. (UNCHECKED? don't think i'll be going anymore)

5. Not eat supper all week. (CHECK.. well will be check)

6. Don't buy sweet drinks during recess or lunch. DRINK WATER. try to keep within the $3 per meal budget. (HAWHAW CHECK!)

7. i will lose 1kg by the end of next week (hopefully two, but i'm being realistic here)
(CHECKCHECKCHECK hopefully. i think i'm on my way there!)

anyway its a very unearthly hour and i should be sleeping, considering the way i've been complaining about how tired i am and how much i wanna pon school cause of fatigue, i really should be sleeping.

rushed down after school today for the mg/ny game and it was fairly unexciting but yet exciting in its own way. but generally, unexciting. too bad i wasn't in the courts with them while mr koh gave them the 'talk' cause i wanted to hear his comments since i wasn't present for the first three games.

secondary school nationals are so different from jc nationals.
in secondary school, i felt like a queen/princess, sports star etcetc because they chartered a nice big airconditioned bus and we got let off early while getting superb treatment from one another in the form of encouragement notes and gifts and so forth.
ok, but in jc, we get released a WEE bit earlier (meaning i only miss chinese and E4 and NE period, hardly anything to be ecstatic about) AND we have games on saturdays at 8am which means holyyymolyyy we are DEPRIVED OF SLEEEEEEEEEEEP!
and we don't get chartered buses.
instead, we have to run out of the school building and wait in the hot sun flagging cabs which so rudely ignore you even when they're empty.
OR we're all squished into mr pang's car rubbing arms and legs and sitting in contorted positions.

hardly queen/princess, sports star treatment. hARUUUMpphhh!!!

i think my method of blogging is taking a sharp turn here.
i'm supposed to be blogging in perfect, well constructed sentences, specially made to sound like i'm writing an essay but heck about that. i CANNOT BE BOTHERED.

anyway, yay yay aussieland people are back EXCEPT lesley but that is easily rectified cause.. she's gonna be here soon.

oh, got to spend time with ta today and SHES GONNA GET DIESEASEDDDD MAN!
talitha READ THAT. DIEseased. sooo.. ok i wont nag :) but PLEASE. bear in mind what i said!!

i feel damn spastic and very un-insightful (not like joansie poansie) but heck about that I AM GOING TO SLEEP.

hope tomorrow is a good day.
it should.
its short.
and i won't get into trouble.
CAUSE I DID MY GP HOMEWORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

isolation and separation - the essence of loneliness and emptiness.
these two come hand in hand or are mutually exclusive in their own private ways, but the effect of both is still the same. it is like standing outside a window and staring in. how everything seems oddly familiar but yet it's so foreign, plainly because your part isn't inside. and the feeling is heightened to a greater degree, to see someone you know knock on the door and enter, or perhaps just barge in, while you are standing outside.

the element of competitiveness, of jealousy is so evident.
it is possible to feel extremely lonely or empty when isolated or separated from people. but i don't believe this feeling can be truly felt unless there's an external factor.
the externality to bring upon the green eyed monsters that hover at the back of our brains and eat us on the inside, leaving us with nothing but an empty shell of ourselves.

so, isolation and separation.
that is indeed how i feel i am.
lonely and empty.
that is what i am.
right now.

BUT, i won't be soon.
it's just a passing phase :)

by the way frinn: if i don't know you, why do you know me?

it is saddeningly amazing how this weekend has passed without me knowing it. it was friday a short while ago, and now it is sunday and monday morning is approaching within a few brief hours. and i have yet to squeeze in The Red Badge of Courage within these hours, as well as catching some tv and perhaps some phone time and gazing at my lovely new purchases.
without even putting my supposedly new pencil case to use, i have bought another, which is ten times lovelier. it even comes with a matching wallet, which i have not yet bought, but i will soon, if i think it is worth it.

all the aussieland people are back or will be back, like in lesley's case and for that, i am very happy.
it's almost as though a part of me came back home and the edges of the picture are complete. but at the same time, these bits of familiarity seem somewhat foreign in my new adapted comfort zone.
nothing unnerving, nothing overbearing, but just a little niggle at the side.

and i remember reading some self-help book a while ago and it said writing out your goals help make them more achievable, because seeing it in print, reminds you that it is actually tangible and having penned them down, gives that little guilty push.
so here are the things i'd like to accomplish this week.

1. Go through partial fractions and binomial theorem (figure out how to do it) and listen to mr tan when he teaches AP and GP and sigma all over again.

2. Read econs notes for term 1 AND term 2. and understand it.

3. Read GP education package.

4. Make it a point to go down for the mg/sc game on thursday while simultaneously catching up on the class that i've missed while i was away.

5. Not eat supper all week.

6. Don't buy sweet drinks during recess or lunch. DRINK WATER. try to keep within the $3 per meal budget.

7. i will lose 1kg by the end of next week (hopefully two, but i'm being realistic here)

ok seven goals for this week.
is that too much? maybe i should cut down..

acjc's midsummer's night dream has funny fairies prancing around, weird barbaric looking people yelling and stomping around, and it has a very pretty endearing green fairy/pixie, fairy i think.
anyhoos, had a good time sticking my foot out and flashing my flashy shoe to everyone i knew going "check out my shoe!"

i have very cute parents.
my dad is 161 and my mother is 158. this little disparity in height makes them look like two short looking mushrooms bobbing up and down when they walk.
especially when they're in coincidentally matching clothes and carrying a blue umbrella to match and walking, or bobbing more like, down the hill.
what's all the more sweeter, is that my parents are each other's very first boyfriend and girlfriend, leading on to marriage for 24 golden years (actually, golden or not i do not know).
they're very much what i'd aspire to be like when i grow older and have my own family although they aren't perfect.
that, i know full well.
my dad with his unromantic gestures of refusing to hold her hand for long in public because it's a public display of affection and hot temper; and my mother with her very unfunny jokes and insane prattling.

anyway, let's not go into that. just felt as though i had to mention it because i saw them walking out of the house today and they looked mighty adorable :D

i bought a new pencilcase!!!!!!
it is white and blue and it says ULTRA POWER KIDS BE HAPPY! or something along those lines.

i am talking rubbish.
i am tired.
i need sleep.
i need to go shopping.
and i need to finish reading Red Badge of Courage.

and.. the weekend passes too fast.

today was a day where i woke up with this sinking dread and premonition that the day would drift on slowly and badly.
a look at my timetable confirmed it.
however, strangely, i made it through the day, not slowly or terribly.

of course it does seem cowardly to cower from the day even before its started, and cowardly i am; but unusually brave i was to storm through the day, although i had no intention of being brave.
the necessity and absolute must of handing up my CAP form must have played an incredibly great part in driving me through the day.
and i must say the free period at the beginning of the day did help somewhat in relaxing my tense muscles and gave some form of entertainment and acted as a stress-reliever to my narrow, biased mind towards terrible thursdays.
of course the notion that thursdays are the most terrible days of the week still stands.
namely, double math lecture, math tutorial, double econs tutorial, chinese, lit classes, pe AND physical training after school yadayadayada.
yes, basically all the activities that sap the energy from your brain and the active juices of your muscles, leaving you mentally and physically drained.

CAP portfolio comments from people were fairly pleasing, although being labelled "lesbian writer" is not particularly flattering or encouraging. especially when the thought of being sent for counselling is niggling at the back of your brain. and especially if you are not lesbian, have no kinky tendencies whatsoever.
of course, comments from people like shane, that my poems would not make the cut because they weren't deep enough, were deeply insulting.
but, spiteful as i am feeling after those nasty but perhaps well-intended (or maybe a slip of the tongue??) comments by shane, i shall say that shane is a writer of prose, and is somewhat pretentious, thinking that orbs of radiant sun that burn and flame with luster in the sky is deep, while my poems are not.
if he is reading this i am dead, so i'd better apologise now because i don't mean that.
i've worked hard on the pieces i'd chosen for my portfolio and it is my best, and if i don't make it, so be it.

in an effort to shed the pounds, i heeded terence's advice and stayed away from carbo.
i was feeling mighty pleased at my own self-restraint and upset as i was about training (because i had to run like a mad dog), i was cheered up slightly at the prospect of burning away those calories.
in an attempt to vary physical training routes and routines, fongchi suggested jogging to holland v and it did seem like a pretty good idea because holland v was far enough for us to cover a respectable distance, but at the same time, it wasn't too far til my guts would spill out from the heavy panting and there would be traffic lights to stop and rest at.
however, dear stella, led us to a roundabout route, that i am pretty sure she has no idea where it would take us.
as she so frankly and innocently (??) put it, "I followed the clouds!"
so thanks to her nature instincts, we were led down the pavement and panting past buildings that did not look the least bit familiar to me.
it wasn't until we turned around a corner and i saw the oh so familiar acs(i) bustop when i realised stella had led us a very long and complicated route round the school and from there, we'd adjourn to holland v, by foot may i add.
but whatever little euphoria and satisfaction i gained from that run was squelched when i very happily ordered a chocolate fudge sundae with chopped peanuts.
$1.30 courtesy of yvonne :)
after, liz and i took a very, very leisurely stroll back to school which took 45 minutes.
and i must say we had a very light and heartening conversation.

hmm, so my day wasn't so bad, although it was interrupted by little clashes of others that did mix themselves up with my thoughts.
it is very disturbing.
not disturbing because it is disturbing, but disturbing in the way that i am disturbed because it shouldn't disturb me but it has.
it makes me wonder how people see one another.
how people can generally look at one person in one way, while others view them totally differently.
and how some people can have everything except a one very important factor that would serve to make them different from the rest.
it makes me wonder if i am so wrapped up in myself sometimes that i do not see what is going on.
i feel it with my instincts (however weak they are) but i choose to wrap myself up in blinded security.
it makes me feel small and insignificant, blind and stupid.
but i'll come to terms with it eventually, like i always do.
and you know what?
i think i have come to terms with it already.

btw, darius, i hope you've found your wallet and your bag is VERY VERY heavy.
and.. who's frinn? who is anon i believe.
but, real name please.