i am so full, i think i'm gonna be sick.
today was another day stuffed with food.

i had..
1 bowl of noodles
1 plate of pasta
a sausage doughnut
apple juice
two sticks of strawberry/banana chocolate fondue.
half a bag of chips
part of a tub of chips
three cookies
1 bowl of noodles
1 bowl of egg soup
half a plate of rojak
pineapple juice.

think i am going to be sick.

anyway

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHERYL MAYMAY WONG!
from a cocooned caterpillar, you have grown into a beautiful 19 year old butterfly! hope you had a great 19th and when are we gonna lunch, you daisycow? I MISS YOU and those good ol' squash days :)

today was leslie's birthday and al's birthday is tomorrow.
mini commotion again when they threw leslie head in (!!) first into the dustbin, i felt quite sorry for him.
but then he looked really cute lying in there posing with a smile and a middle finger.
and leslie was clever enough to tackle poor al who was sitting there, so al ended up in the dustbin too.

candice and i are two stressed captains.
so we hung out in the music centre ladies room to destress by laughing insanely.
candice is really pure laughing gas.
she says the unfunniest things, MAKES ME say the unfunniest things, but then they seem so funny.

like today, when we were hanging out in the washroom and i wanted her to go to cubicle no.1 to 'check it out'.
and she 'checked it out' and found that it was full of floating tissue paper and shit.
candice: shumin, you know you really shouldn't do things like that. you shouldn't make people see what you saw. you shouldn't make people suffer what you suffered. you are like an e4 (war literature)! you know, combatant versus civilian? i'm the civilian and you're the combatant? you don't have to make me see the ENEMY! ARGGGGGGGGGH!

candice: shumin, are you going for satay night?
me: yeah probably cause i'm having training. i'm not that keen on satay though. what else will they be having?
candice: ketupat?
(a long pause)
me: is ketupat potato?
candice: NO! it's rice!
me: oh ya. ketupat is rice. samosa is potato. i always mix them up.
candice: WHY?! samosa is a triangle and ketupat is a rectangle. don't you think samosa sounds like a triangle?
me: no?
candice: yeah it does! you know.. like samosa triangle, bermuda triangle??
me: CANDICE! NO!
candice: okay that doesn't really make sense but a samosa is still like a triangle! like you know how a fishball sounds like a circle?
me: THAT'S BECAUSE OF THE WORD BALL!!!!!

a few minutes later..

me: candice, what other things sound like their shapes?
candice: err.. let me think.
me: what about egg?
candice: oh yeah, an egg sounds oval.
me: what else is oval?
candice: i can't really think of anything else that is oval. an egg is special.
me: is it? what else is oval?
(LONG PAUSE)
candice&me in unison: OVALTINE!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

me: (musing) you know something? why don't they sell ovaltine in oval tins? (freezes for a moment) OMG! I PUNNED! ovaltine in oval tins!
candice: err.. i thought you MEANT to pun.
me: nonono! NO PUN INTENDED, don't you think they should sell ovaltine in oval tins? hahahaha!
candice: errr..
me: drink Milo when you're at your low.
candice: err..
me: drink coffee when you cough and pay your fees!
candice: what about teh ping?
me: but teh isn't a word!
candice: but what about teh ping?
me: but teh isn't a word! hmm how about err find leslie TAY when you're cold?
candice: HUH?! BUT WHAT ABOUT TEH PING?
me: BUT TEH ISN'T A WORD AND NEITHER IS PING!!!!!

a few minutes later..

me: i think we should get out here. it's stuffy and making us crazy.
candice: okay let's go.

so that concludes our very insane stressed conversation that we shared in our little hideout: the washroom at the music centre.
and after that we spent many clueless moments taking idiotic photos of ourselves and sending them to each other via infrared.
talk about cheap thrill.
so now i have a whole bunch of photos of candice and i looking MUCH less than beautiful.
i love my cubicle1combatant candice kang :)
mega retards.

i think these little insane moments have flushed out all remnants of anger/irritation/frustration/sadness i feel.
sometimes, there's no point letting it all fester within you.
of course they do come unbidden, but while they don't, keep them out.
at least i'm trying to.
because even though life doesn't seem too peachy at times, when i take a step back and step back in to live it, it's not all that bad.
time will heal all wounds :)

the sunny hours of a school-less day was spent reading the newspaper (from the straits times to home to money to sports to life, i've never covered everything before heh), newsweek, watching tv and two hours talking to my sister online.

two thumbs up for a school-less thursday, i say :)

and this is what my dearest darling sister looks like now.

she's the one in the middle, in yellow.

if you've seen my sister before, you'd be able to tell that SHE HAS GAINED SOME WEIGHT!
i am so so proud of her for putting on those extra pounds because my skinny twig of a sister has been suffering from a weight (or lack of it) problem for as long as i can remember!
so here's my fatter sister looking all pretty and slim (no longer skinny, SLIM now!).

i really miss my sister so much.
to recapture some of our regular sisterly moments that we used to have in our humble abode, i took many snaps of the new things i'd bought and showed them to my sister and she sent me online photos of what she wanted to buy.
we fanned out photos of her friends and my friends, good looking boys and pretty girls, and debated on singapore and US standards of beauty.
so the consensus is (with much input from her boyfriend), the singapore standard is pathetic.
which made my sister and i damn sad because if we're both not considered pretty in singapore, imagine what they'd think of us in the states!

but we were merely whinging.
i think i'm QUITE satisfied with the way i look.

was reading the papers yesterday, and an article really touched my heart.


Mr Robert Yeo, 84, does household chores and plays the guitar to entertain his bed-ridden wife.

Mr Robert Yeo, 84, cannot remember when was the last time he took a bus, let alone a car ride.
The sprightly man, who has been caring for his 82-year-old wife Yeo Mui Neo since she lost her eyesight to glaucoma 10 years ago, lives by a "30 minute rule".
He will only go to places - usually coffeeshops where all their meals come from - which are within a 30-minute walking distance from their one-room Toa Payoh flat.

"I can't leave her alone," he says.

Talking to the childless couple, it is impossible not to be moved by their love and the quietly dignified way they live.
He is her eyes, hands and legs. "He does everything for me. He's a very good husband," says Mrs Yeo, who is bedridden because of weak legs.
When she has to use the toilet, he has to lift and carry her from the bed to the wheelchair and back again.

Their relative, Mrs Molly Seow, 71, calls him a "superman". "He's a one-an show. He never complains. The minute she calls 'Bert', he'll be there next to her."

Mr Yeo has declined suggestions to place his wife in a nursing home, opting instead for regular visits by health professionals from Touch Home Care.
Asked if he ever feels burnt out or worries about the future, he says: "My greatest joy is taking care of her. I don't worry about tomorrow. We'll just take everything in our stride.
i think finding someone whom you love and can depend on til your old age, is not only very important, but poignantly touching.
there's an everlastingness about it.
when the passion fades, when the chemistry fizzles out, all that's left is that love, memory, company and trust.
the bond to last til eternity, through the storms and adversity.

yesterday on my way home from kallang, i met a very nice cabbie.
we chatted the whole way through talking about seriously, everything and anything.
we discussed the beatles, eagles and beegees, we talked about the Bible, mothers' day, fathers' day, christmas, charity, weikong, squash, golf, soccer.. okay you get the idea.
i was having such a ball of a time and he reminded me so much about my father.
they even say the very same things like Golf.. is like life. LOOK AT TIGER WOODS! the Beatles are the greatest rock band alive. don't you wonder how they always come up with such wonderful tunes? the true meaning of giving is giving up what you WANT, not the excess.
you get the idea.

and i've been eating so much lately, URGH.
in school yesterday i had rice two meats and veg, half a sandwich, half a bowl of noodles, spaghetti, a cheese hot dog, a bag of chips, a burger, fries and coke.
today, i was much better.
didn't snack at all :)

i've been looking out of my window every night to see the moon.
a couple of days ago, the moon was a bright orange piece, the kind where it seems as though it's humanly possible for you to reach out and pluck it right out of the sky.
and as i watched the moon progressively, it grew fainter, like someone had rubbed the colour of a crayon to smudge out the edges.

and tonight, when i looked out of my window, i couldn't find the moon.
watching the moon fade, i feel the slightest bit melancholy.

i once told someone that the nicest part about seeing the moon is that it makes you aware that all of us are under the same big sky, looking at the very same moon.
it doesn't matter how you don't stand on the same soil, how there are miles of seas and oceans between you, you are under the very same sky, looking at the very same moon; and that's something you share.

Somewhere out there beneath the pale moonlight
Someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight

Somewhere out there someone's saying a prayer
That we'll find one another in that big somewhere out there

And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star

And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky

Somewhere out there if love can see us through
Then we'll be together somewhere out there
Out where dreams come true

you know when things become an i don't know?
it is when you know but you don't accept what you know, or when you absolutely do not know but you think you sort of know, that it becomes an i don't know.

so right now, i'm feeling like an i don't know.
and it is because i know but i don't accept what i know.

abit of a hate and love collide effect.
everything comes crashing in at once and crumbles into a huge mess of an i don't know.

i've been hearing alot about teamwork this whole year.
i've said alot about teamwork this whole year.
and teamwork has now melded into an i don't know.
i don't really know what it means to have teamwork any longer.

there's no 'I' in team.
but recently, everything and everyone has been taking the 'I' route.
words come easily, encouragements come easily, promises come easily, but then at the end of the day, it still boils down to an 'I'.
maybe even i am learning to adjust to the notion of an 'I' and steering towards this commonly walked path.

sports and relationships have a pretty similar creed, i realised.

Commitment, the decision we make, the path we choose to walk in and stick by.
during assembly that day, someone mentioned adversity brings out the true commitment in you.
since commitment is a choice we make out of free will, there's no backing out.
but then, it is through adversity that the true commitment level is revealed.
and it is also through adversity that commitment is strengthened.

Desire, if you don't want it, you won't work for it.
as simple as that.

Determination and Tenacity, the determination to carry it out, to stick it through, the tenacity to endure.

Teamwork, probably one of the most important.
Love, the driving force to hold the fort, to ignite determination, tenacity, commitment and desire.
you're only as strong as your weakest link.
if one doesn't hold up, the team won't hold up.

so today we lost.
we didn't hold the fort.
i feel blamed and i feel blameless.
i feel at fault, but yet i don't think i've made a mistake.

ohwell, but sports and relationships cannot be pressed into old mould.
sports is mind over matter.
the heart is MUCH trickier, i'd say.

and the boys won today.
they held the fort.
and i'm really proud of them :)

to the girls: we didn't play badly, but we didn't play well. and rj is a better team. we thank God for laying out the groundwork for us, but we also thank Him for showing us that we weren't strong enough. no more tears, because we know who deserves it more. and i'm really proud of the way you've all trained so hard these two weeks and gave rj such a hard fight today. "Instead of bronze i give you gold.." i think the true gold is learning that we had gaps within our team and how we can close it up and remain champs in our hearts :)

the. heat. is. killing. me.
and it's doing funny things to my brain.

this afternoon when i was having a nap, i felt so drugged out that when my parents woke me up for dinner, i knew what was happening but my eyes just refused to open!
it seriously felt like someone had sewn them together.
it was an incredibly frustrating moment.
caught between my dream and reality, that was how i felt.
(heh heh, if you noticed, i used inversion of word order to emphasise my point! that was what we learnt in e8 today heh)

and speaking of my dream, it was a very strange dream that was caught in slowmo.
the first part that is.
in my dream kren and i were walking across the field, laughing and skipping and everything looked hazy, just like in movies when they're trying to recapture the memory of someone or something.
so we continued to laugh and skip and finally we engaged in a friendly tussle in the field which suddenly became muddy.
and zach appeared and laughed and rolled us in the mud and we were so happy we ended up walking in the evening towards some house where we sat down and talked.
then zach said goodbye and kren and i walked out of the house and suddenly we were on the hill of my street.
and we were strolling up the hill (we were now clean at this point of time) and i asked kren, "hey kren, do you know why the stars cannot be seen tonight?"
and she said, "why?"
and i told her, "because it is too cloudy and it hides the stars from our view."
then she went, "wait! look!"
and i looked up and it was truly a magical sight.
the wisps of clouds were swirling away and slowly, thousands and thousands of twinkling stars that had been littering the sky became visible to us.
and both of us just stood there in awed silence before my mom (i know, she suddenly appeared) went "LOOK!"
and right then and there a star streaked across the sky and fell beyond what we could see.
and i made a wish right then and there, although now i can't remember what i wished for.

i woke up (after i managed to get my stupid sewn eyes open) feeling very unsettled because it was visually a very beautiful dream, but there was this sense of deja vu, where everything i did and said in my dream had been done and said before but with different people.
and the falling star part was just a figment of my dream.

and after reading mich's blog, it reminded me about what i wanted to blog about al a couple of days ago!
i think lessons are getting increasingly funnier.

me: hey mus, you look fairer!
rage: he shaved la!
me: i know but.. he really looks fairer!
(everyone inspects mus's face)
al: (smugly) he EXFOLIATED!
everyone: ?!

and today in econs, mus was being his usual self.

mus: madam, you're how shen la!
tancc: ?!

tancc: (to the class) to you see, singapore must ensure that we have, and we produce what china and india wants..
mus: curry, hurhur!
tancc: (long pause and pursing her lips) but CANNOT GET.

and math lect today was spent editing all the photos in my phone.
rage and i were gleefully metamorphosizing people in my phone.
i wish i had the cable to transfer the photos from my phone into the computer because they are really very very funny!

anyway, like i said, the heat is doing funny things to my brain.
after reading everyone's blogs, i've had this urge to add in my 2cents worth.

after reading esther's blog, i think i'm abit afraid to get married.
especially after my mother recounted a story about her friend who found out that her husband watches porn videos.
sometimes i think i want to dissect a boy's brain just to see how it works and what on earth are they thinking sometimes.

and after reading all the food she ate, i felt really happy and hungry.
i think i'm happiest (i mean other than normal warm and fuzzy happy times) when i'm eating.
even when i'm feeling upset or neutral, eating makes me comforted.
which is probably a reason why i get so angry when i'm depressed or unhappy because i lose my appetite.
i mean sure, i lose plenty of weight and that makes me happy for a while, but eventually i miss food so much and i don't even mind the additional kg i've put on or whatever.
so now i'm regaining my appetite and it's making me increasingly happier.
last night, i TREATED myself and had instant noodles and half a family bar of chocolate.
then this afternoon i treated myself to a bowl of clam chowder, two slices of buttered toast and a slice of cake.

and after reading mich's blog about her mom's supermodelmother/housewife tendancies, i felt i had to mention that my mother is becoming an increasingly better cook.
she cooked this huge pot of mutton soup, that although can't compare with my grandmother's, came pretty close.

and today i saw both my parents using the treadmill.
it made me giggle because my parents (especially my father!) has been using the treadmill regularly and i haven't even stepped on it since it entered the house.
anyway my father looks really cute when he runs because he's so small and he goes without a shirt and jogs.
so basically he looks fine.
but my mother was decked out in her running togs and WALKING on the treadmill!
THAT really made me giggle because.. err well.
anyway i think once season is over, i shall make use of the treadmill at home and hit the gym with my girlies and maybe even pick up some weights again!

okay so those were all the thoughts that were running through my head today at home.
dreadfully random.
and tomorrow is THE DAY.
pray hard for us everyone.
thanks :)

i've been seesawing from plain okay to disastrously not okay to peace of mind to a messy heart.
it's not making me feel very stable.

and personally, i hate instability, uncertainty.
blurred lines, questionable results, thoughts to disentangle, minds to read, whatever it is, i don't like them very much.
which is probably why i loathe swimming (other than the fact that i can't) because i don't like bobbing around without anything concrete beneath my feet.

but i'd reckon hating instability and uncertainty is a losing battle because they are everywhere.
:(

and i find immense comfort in e4 lessons nowadays.
everything we learn feels like it can be packaged, transported and applied right into my very own life.

so right now i'm circling around in loops, revising and imagining and reliving and redoing.
but revising, although an extreme comfort, seems like my outlet for escapism which is something i need to break out of.
i need hope to cope, but of a different kind.

i think i'm a bundle of conflicting thoughts who is walking in the light.
and that although oxymoronic does make some inkling of sense.

anyway photos are up click HERE!

ktv cravings have finally been satisfied :)
although my high-flying expectations of a completely free ktv session was horribly destroyed by Party World's stringent rules and regulations.
it's COMPULSORY for us to order three baskets of crackers, two platters of fruit and each of us a drink.
and all that cost us $93!!!!

i almost wanted to faint.
imagine if the booking of the room and ktv session wasn't free.
i think the bill would have been ________ (insert amount yourself)

and our stupid drinks were so bloody expensive.
matt's beer was $6, my coke was $7, and jame's JASMINE GREEN TEA was $8!!
we should have all just ordered beer.
it would have saved us many many dollars.

but i had a really good time nonetheless cause i love singing, even though i can't hold a tune.
and i love my ktv pals :)


happy ktvers!
even though they don't look all that happy here. must have been a sad song.


DUI MIAN DE NU HAI KAN GUO LAI!
without the full team so the effect wasn't too good.


the AAktvGURLS :)


i will be the one who'll be with youu..


our terribly expensive drinks :/

we spent a while 'shopping' and hunting for a place to have dinner before church and finally settled at good ol' hans.
i like that place.


dinner at hans with sue jame laura matt daniel turts and shaun

i'm glad i brought them all to church today.
i think God spoke to everyone of us tonight in one way or another.
I serve a God who is faithful He will never fail
When i'm in a desert He's a river of hope.

and the moon tonight is rather round.
it's been a while since i looked up and saw the moon and the stars not hidden by clouds.
i think the last time i sat under the sky there was no moon and there were no stars.
reminded me of the song we sang today.

ni wen wo ai ni you duo shen
wo ai ni you ji fen
wo de qing ye zhen
wo de ai ye zhen
yue liang dai piao we de xin

i MUST say this.
today, I PASSED MY FIRST MATH TEST!!!!
yes, that must be put in huge block letters and in green because green is my favourite colour
it is to show that i am tree-mendously happy because this is the first time i've ever passed math!

okay, that was a psycho moment.

i seem to have this compulsive habit of eating biscuits now.
even though it makes my throat parched and sticky and makes me feel like throwing up.
but once that pack of biscuits has gone down my throat, about half an hour later i feel like having another pack.
so today was the day for polar snack aka MSG biscuits (it was the cheapest one, i actually wanted a milk hello panda).
but i gave in at the end of the day and bought my pack of milk hello panda which i have to say is one of my favourite biscuits.

and during the gp exam i kept thinking of having another pack of biscuits so i ended up doing the question " 'Food has become a health hazard.' Discuss."
and obviously i disagree because i never think food is a health hazard, i find redeeming qualities in all kinds of food.
nevermind that what you write at that point of time is reflective of what you think.

and tan cc was very funny today, i was terribly amused!
laura came into our class to return a set of books and mus yelled.
mus: AYE ANGMOH! you think you angmoh can anyhow walk into our class is it?!
tan cc: (with a horrified face) NAFIS! i didn't know you were racist!

i seriously thought it was damn funny because mus was writing "I AM BLACK" in his black marker on the econs transparencies.

even guat was in a surprisingly chipper mood today.
it was the first time i'd ever seen her laugh til her face was red.
nevermind that it was at sue's expense, but her re-enactment of the 'peacock' was hilarious!

self-tortured ourselves during training again today.
the only bright bit about it was that liz came down!
i miss elizabeth chay simin so much :(
i think it's real neat that she's a year older than me and we hardly see each other but everytime we do there's so much to say and i genuinely feel i can tell her everything.

and today, shaun and agus were.. EEEEKS!
flicking biscuits out of each other's mouths using their tongues okay you get the idea.
i was quite horrified but yet veryvery fascinated by their erm.. passion.

okay this is terribly disjointed.
i think i've reached a point where i'm bereft of words because i don't think i can properly express myself.
i'm just throwing in more and more words to take the place of what i want to say because i don't think i can piece my real thoughts together.
and like i've said before, sometimes we don't say out what we want because an idea that is not in print remains intangible and maybe that's what i want now.
no concrete tangibles to weigh me down.

i am feeling too heavy right now.

today i thought i'd indulge in a little memory then lock it up again to take out another day.
and so in memory of my memory







sometimes i think i don't know whether i want to cry or not.
when i want to flush all the tears out, they simply don't come.
yet sometimes they come unbidden.

lines are blurred, boundaries are set and no proper closure or conclusion.
which is probably the way it should be because our lives are a mesh of stories where The End never comes.
endings of every story in our lives comes with a sequel, so it never really does end.

and i was reading back to one of my entries last year and i said that maybe i was growing faster and going in a different direction and i'd written it as an afterthought but now looking at it again, i realised how real it is to me now.
hopefully we'll both be ready soon.

so now i'll lock up these memories and bring them out again at a more appropriate time :)

gp lesson today was by far one of the better ones.
i feel sooo lucky that i live in singapore and i don't need a man to escort me even when i have to go out of the house!
we watched osama and towards the end when the Mullah 'saved' her from death and they were riding on a rickety donkey cart..

jamie: what's he going to do with her?
me: marry her?! i dunno maybe he's saving her and he'll set her free!
jamie: oh yea, rescue her!
(in very quick succession)
mus: YEAH RIGHT!
nigel: YEAH RIGHT!
al: YEAH RIGHT!!
jamie: okay okay point taken. was just thinking of a little positivity you know..

but in the end he didn't rescue her or anything like that.
asked her to choose her lock (they must be chained to their rooms, the numerous wives i mean) and then showed his flabby naked body covered with only a loin cloth coming out of the room and performing his after-sex ablutions.

time does zip by pretty fast.
it's almost the end of april.
and soon we'll see the light of may and june would require some serious studying and so would july and half of august.
then comes prelims.
and serious serious mugging for the A's.
and before i know it, november 24th is over and soon everyone will come home and it's time to make new decisions all over again.
for some reason, i want time to zip by really fast because sometimes the present seems too heavy to bear.

good news everybody: i am getting fitter :)

sihua revives good ol' mg squash memories within me.
i'd almost forgotten just how good they were.


bdiv&cdiv 2003
we had a whale of a time i remember.
even though we'd gotten a silver, the bdiv really felt like we'd earned it, and to us it was like a gold.
and our dearest cdiv clinched the champion title for us!


squash camp 2003!
the bdiv girls with our dearest coach mr koh and our funniest teacher mr loh :)
i still remember how we used to make fun of mr loh, but i really do miss him as a squash teacher in charge.
and mr koh as my coach :(


mr ong our other teacher in charge cum coach who can balance alot of things on his nose!
this was during the camp too where we had picnic and games :)


and this was the horrendous web that made me cry because it was SO DARN HIGH UP and i couldn't come down.
and i am
terrified
of
heights :/
this was a moment to remember because i'd taught them the song BE BOLD BE STRONG during chapel earlier that morn and while i was sobbing like an idiot on the web all the squashies started singing it to give me courage.
how i miss them :(

and too bad i don't have photos of the KL sports trip because that was another moment to remember.
i still remember how we got horribly trashed by the malaysian squashies.
and sihua reminded me of how we all went to sit on those turning teacups and she felt so horribly sick after that.
and then on the DISGUSTING gondola ride back, which i hated very much (because the front was made of glass only so i could see everything below me on our way down and the gondola hooked onto a cable was swaying and i kept imagining us crashing down) so i kept talking and complaining to keep myself occupied and sihua secretly wanted me to shut up because she felt like she was going to throw up.

and i guess the one that binded bdiv2003 the most was during the planning of the sec4 farewell where we stayed over at lyd's house and shopped for presents, baked cookies, pranked people online, compiled presents and stayed up til 6 in the morn watching liuxinghuayuan.
and we all woke up at 9 to go for training where we ended up sitting in the canteen and ordering two pizzas.

those were some mighty memories :)

and looking through my photos, i think i have many more precious memories that i haven't managed to capture.
and i'm feeling terribly nostalgic and yet terribly sad and happy at the same because the memory remains but the present seems so disgusting in comparison.
okay i am talking shit.

i should go..
study now.
:)
:)
:(
:(

training is consuming my life.
squash is consuming my life.

i'm not complaining.
BUT.. i am not exalting in it.

i think i'm getting fitter.
but
i
still
hate
running.

i just needed to get that out of my system :)

i really like not having classes but i think the inactivity in the brain department has left me with a hee-uge gap i need to close up.
like the numerous econs tutorials i have missed (speaking of econs there's a test on thursday argh!!)
and the math tuitions i haven't been having (speaking of math there's a test on friday argh!!)

so once again, all i brought to school today were my squash stuff and my e4 notebook and The Things They Carried.
and a little section we did today really struck a chord with me.

"Lying in bed at night, I made up elaborate stories to bring Linda alive in my sleep. I invented my own dreams. It sounds impossible, I know, but I did it. I'd picture somebody's birthday party - a crowded room, I'd think, and a big chocolate cake with pink candles - and then soon I'd be dreaming it, and after a while Linda would show up, as I knew she would, and in the dream we'd look at each other and not talk much, because we were shy, but then later I'd walk her home and we'd sit on her front steps and stare at the dark and just be together."

"But back then it felt like a miracle. My dreams had become a secret meeting place, and in the weeks after she died I couldn't wait to fall asleep at night. I began going to bed earlier and earlier, sometimes even in bright daylight. My mother, I remember, finally asked about it at breakfast one morning. 'Timmy, what's wrong?' she said, but all I could do was shurg and say, 'Nothing. I just need sleep, that's all.' I didn't dare tell the truth. It was embarrassing, I suppose, but it was also a precious secret, like a magic trick, where if I tried to explain it, or even talk about it, the thrill and mystery would be gone. I didn't want to lose Linda."

although nobody has died, i think i do this alot.
in your dreams, no one hurts you and things go the way you want them to go.
you meet the people you want to meet and they say the things you want them to say and you say the things you want to say and it seems so real sometimes you just don't want to let it go.

after i'd read that section, it meant so much to me i read it over and over again, despite feeling abit like an emotional idiot.
hmm, but it's true isn't it?

anyway did i mention i got band 1 for project work?!?!
:)
:)

:)

rain and sun, rain and sun, makes one feel feverish.
so does cold cooooold airconditioning.
so that was exactly how i felt last night and this afternoon.

after training, my lousy 'date' daniel chia wanted me to run in the rain to meet him.
what happened to gentlemenly nature!
so i borrowed an umbrella from council and trudged in the muddy rain to meet my lousy 'date'.
i even had to MAKE him carry my bag.
oh good grief.
daniel chia, i know we're buddies and LHPs but pls!

so i went to watch rugby sevens which was quite an experience considering i'm completely clueless about rugby.
anyway the whole place smelt like boys, it was pretty bad in my opinion.
and daniel left me sitting with a whole bunch of boys i didn't know while he said hello to his other friends.
no good, i say.

anyway thank God for kren who saved me.
and after that i had a pretty good time watching rugby especially the South Africa vs France game!
and i felt so so sorry for Singapore when they played against New Zealand :(
and there were these people chanting "Singapore, Singapore!" and i had half a mind to chant along with them but.. embarrassment :/

anyway it started to drizzle and everyone refused to let me open up my umbrella!
only when the raindrops were bigger and falling harder, then i knew it was time for me to open the precious umbrella.

anyway slow's birthday after :)
it was pretty fun and i felt terribly bad for not being interactive enough because i felt so feverish.
and i love cass for just sitting down and talking to me last night when i needed somebody.

so HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY SEXY SLOW! hope you had a great day yesterday and i hope you like your present from matt and i! hurhur, one year older, one year wiser, remember to use your new bag :)

today was another good day, albeit a little strange, but a load off my chest nonetheless.
or maybe this load off is just providing space for a new one.
but whatever it is, i know God's with me.

had a great catchup with lesley and later with yasmine.
He's really provided for me.

met up with eric after and we watched a lousy movie AGAIN.
and it was freezing.
and i was bored.
i thought the movie would never end.
and eric looked so immersed in the movie i was wondering if i had bad taste in movies.
but you know what, i still think i'm right.

the movie was bad.

gosh today was just full of little snippets of fun.
and even the least funny things just became funny.

- the too hot to handle OHP :)
tancc: ohdear it's too hot again! (to the OHP) cool down cool down!

- jame's recounting the GHB mo!

- THE SHITFIELD!
when i walked into the canteen after math the whole place smelt like it was dunked in shit and i really almost wanted to throw up.

- me poking jamie without her knowing it and missj walking in on us : / she looked at me very strangely.

- the extreeeemely cold room where we had gp. 6.3 or was it 6.13? anyway the aircon was so strong my hair was blowing in the erm.. 'breeze'. until i had to cover my whole face with my sweater because my poor head was freezing.
which was quite funny cause kelly didn't recognise me!
guat: where is michelle? i thought i saw her today
kelly: she's here madam!
guat: where?
kelly: (points to me) there! isn't that michelle?
me: (completely covered except for my eyes) no, it's me.
kelly: oh sorry!

- MUS AND THE GIRLS! newest addition :)

- recounting old retarded stories, especially with weikong :)
like the shit story (ohdear i realised we involve alot of real shit in our stories) and the humongous paperplane fight between nigel&weikong and mus&al.
ESPECIALLY the gigantic silver umbrella of a shield!

- rage moments.

- BOWEN HO!

- sue's lovely peanut m&m's :) except sue hates peanuts so she kept spitting the peanuts out and chucking them at me! GROSS.

- gab and i talking about chinese names. i really get a kick out of discussing retarded stuff. like the time i was trying to show ewen and benwai that faces could be seen on fingernails and they stared at me like i was mad.

- and the lovely chat i had with the girls, followed by jon and then jo :)

ohwell this is really random, but i sort of miss sitting next to mus.
i love sitting next to sue but mus was just really entertaining and i liked having someone to nag and look after. heh heh.

tonight is a lonely night. parents yoga night : /

and i loathe running.

so today we lost.
i felt really awful, because a part of me believes i could have done it.
I MEAN LOOK AT THE SCORE!
the first set anyway.
but praise God cause He knows what He's doing.

and He's really been here for me today.
sometimes it's so unnerving when God speaks plainly to you.
and He has today.
He answered every single question i had about His plans for me especially pertaining to my current situation.
and i feel so grateful because i know i'll always have God to fall back on.

it's really hard sometimes.
when you always want to make decisions on your own and follow your heart.
and it's even harder when God doesn't make it clear to you.
because you believe it's a half-half it can go the way you want it to go, or the other way.
and you usually choose the way you want to go.

sometimes the way you want it to go is His way.
but sometimes it's not.
and i know now the way i want to go is not His way.
and God has never spoken to me so clearly before.

I urge you to watch out for those who cause divisions and put obstacles in your way that are contrary to the teachings you have learned. Keep away from them. For such people are not serving our Lord Christ, but their own appetites. Everyone has heard about your obedience, so I am full of joy over you; but I want you to be wise about what is good, and innocent about what is evil
Romans 16:17-19

He wants us to be with non-believers because of the mission and plan He has for all of us which is to draw people to Him.
however, we must know that we shouldn't be influenced and forget God.

we choose to accept God but we always still have our hopes and desires of earthly things.
and God tells us that He has "heard about (our) obedience" and is "full of joy over (us)". however he wants us to be "wise about what is good and innocent about what is evil."

it's not a reference that non-believers are evil.
but what makes us stray from God, that is evil.

and i asked God, why is it you gave me what i wanted and took it away so soon?
and again He replied me
Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship and said:
"Naked I came from my mother's womb and naked i will depart.
The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;
may the name of the Lord be praised."

This was after Job had lost all his cattle and animals and sons and daughters.
and despite his loss, He still praised God cos its our heavenly Father who owns the universe.
and like i said in my earlier post, God blessed the latter part of Job's life even more!

so never despair when you've suffered a loss.
because He has plans to prosper you and not to harm you :)

there are some things i'd like to change that i can't.
but i know He'll help me.
He'll help you too.

just wanna say that He has truly been there for me and i want to tell all of you that He's there for you too.
and if you don't believe in Him, i just want to say that He really wants to be there for you.
and He's still watching over you.
:)

The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom i take refuge,
my shield and the horn of my salvation.
He is my stronghold, my refuge, my saviour.
2 Samuel 22:2-3

there's always this fear of submitting and surrendering to God.
because we're always afraid that what God wants for us is not what we want.
but remember that God loves you and He knows what's best for you.
He is your rock
your fortress
your deliverer
your shield
the horn of your salvation
your stronghold
your refuge
and your saviour.

always lean on Him because we can't do things on our own.

this verse is very real to me because i know this is God's living word and He has spoken to me.
i feared surrendering.
because i was so scared that God's plan wasn't what i wanted.
and what i wanted, i wanted so much it hurt.
that i didn't give it up to God.

and i made it really hard on myself.
the emotional burden it weighed on my heart combined with the physical pressures of the season made me want to breakdown.
and thinking about it, i felt like i was on the verge of breaking down.
my mind wasn't my own anymore and i cried so much i didn't have control over myself.

and on sunday night, when i had a tide of problems to overcome, someone msged me this verse and said she felt God wanted her to tell me that.
at that point of time i knew it was God's way of comforting me, but it didn't make me feel any better because i still had no answers.

the next day at chapel, we sang a song.
and the powerpoint put up had highlighted several words in green in contrast to the rest of the lyrics in white.
the words were
my rock
my shield
my refuge
my stronghold
my saviour

God was comforting me again!

back home, i suddenly received a message from a friend who didn't know what i was going through.
and she asked if i wanted her to pray for me.
and i did.
and she told me "this came to me all of a sudden, but sing in your heart, worship Him because the joy of the Lord is your strength!"

and i played a song on my computer at random.
and this song went "my refuge, my stronghold, always with You".
He is truly our refuge, our stronghold and our faithful one!

i knew God was reaching out to me at this point of time.
He spoke to me THREE TIMES.
and i knew that God wanted me to submit everything to Him even though it was so hard.

so i prayed.
i prayed that God would pull me through, that He would reveal His plan to me, help me to let go, help me to surrender my burden to Him, help me to trust that His plan is perfect.
and then the same friend who asked if i had any prayer requests called.
and i poured out everything to her.
and together, we read the bible.

we read Job.
Job 38-41 "The Lord speaks".
if you've read Job, you'd know that Job was a man that God tested.
Job's entire fortune was stripped away, he and his family were bombarded with diseases and basically God took all material blessings away from Him to test him.
and in Job 38-41,
The Lord said, "Who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge? Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me.
Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation? Tell me, if you understand.
Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!...
Have the gates of death been shown to you?
Have you seen the gates of the shadow of eath?
Have you comprehended the vast expanses of the earth?...
Who has a claim against me that I must pay?
Everything under heaven belongs to me."

Then in Job 42
Job replied to the Lord, "I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted. You asked, ' Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?' Surely i spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know."

everything in the universe, every single thing, belongs to Him.
and we do not understand why things work the way they do, but we must trust in God!
because He is always faithful.

and in Job 42:12 "The Lord blessed the latter part of Job's life more than the first" and in Job 42:10 "after Job had prayed for his friends, the Lord made him prosperous again and gave him twice as much as he had before."

God has many blessings for us.
we just have to trust Him and submit to Him :)

and God did answer my prayers.
He didn't give me what i wanted, but He gave me something better.
He gave me the faith and he opened my eyes to see.
"He is my stronghold, my refuge and my saviour - from violent men you save me. I call to the Lord, who is worthy of praise, and I am saved from my enemies."
He saved me from future pain, He opened my eyes so i could see the truth.
that it wasn't worth holding onto something that would hurt me.

and the Lord truly answered my prayer.
because He has given me the strength to let go.
He has given me the strength to move on and be joyous because i'm back with Him!

so don't be afraid to submit to Him!
it's always hard.
but every obstacle, every test, shapes us to be more like Jesus.
and we can't see the perfect plan now, but He'll reveal it to us.
and always know that God has a multitude of blessings He wants to shower on you!
we just don't receive them when we reject God and cling on to what we want.
and God will give you strength.
He'll never give you something you cannot handle and God will always be there to carry you through it.
just like how He carried me :)

remember that THE JOY OF THE LORD IS OUR STRENGTH!

so the winds of change blew in again and it was quite a messy situation.
but at least i know He answered my prayers and i'm really very grateful because God is good!

and winning is such a funny thing.
it matters so much, but yet from another angle, it doesn't seem to mean anything at all.

but right now, i wanna beat hc and win.
especially after i heard someone sniggering at our supposedly short ACJC uniform skirts when her squash skirt is practically right below her butt.
and she doesn't know how to sit or stretch discreetly.
gah, talk about vengeful!

and i ripped these pictures off matt but we all look so colourful and happy!

ARTS RETRO NIGHT!


THE BOYS.


THE GIRLS! eeks i look like i'm pregnant.


hurhur :) me, turts, and his blingbling. btw, turts was bestdressed male!

was reading the newspaper today and i felt so sad but yet so warm when i read the article on weikong.
sad that it all happened so fast and it didn't seem too long ago that weikong was mucking around with us in class but yet warm knowing that all of us are knit by love and care for him.

and i guess it brought me back to the day where mus and i were talking about religion.
mus said everytime he heard devotions on how if you fear and obey God He will protect you, he thought immediately of weikong and how, in that sense, God didn't protect weikong.

and then i proceeded to explain that it was God's will.
that He brings disaster sometimes to show people that He is God and only He can help us, especially at times when we think we are invincible.

and it really warmed my heart to know that now weikong's entire family has surrendered their lives to Christ because of this incident.
and i know that it was God's plan, really, because even though such a nasty thing happened to weikong, his whole family is even closer than ever and God's children has come back to Him!

and i guess we'd always muse and lament what is going to happen to weikong now.
he can't go back to school, he'll probably never play rugby again, what is he going to do?
and even now, we don't have the answers.

but then my grandmother was telling me about her pastor.
you know the Macdonald House bombing in the 1970s? well, her church's pastor was there when the bomb went off.
and he suffered terrible injuries and was blind in one eye.
the doctors even told his parents that his chances of survival were very slim, and that they better prepare themselves for his death.
but he lived on!
and now he's married with kids and he's living a fulfilling life as a pastor.

i guess it's how God uses the unlikely people.
how God turns a disaster into a miracle to show us that He really is our powerful God :)

so i'd just like all of you reading this to keep weikong in your prayers.
pray to God and let Him lay His healing hand on weikong :)

i was thinking about a whole bunch of things today in no particular order.
hurhur, maybe that's what they call stream of consciousness.

so i was thinking about the decisions that have been made for us.
for the sake of strong sentiments, shall not mention what.
must admit, was abit disappointed.
such a stark change from my former self.
active, and err.. basically active. and i always prided myself on determination and zest.
anyway i'm on a low for all three.

and then i was thinking about the changes that have happened in a short span of a couple of weeks.
it seems so long, but yet i know in real physical time, it's short.
it didn't seem too long ago that things were sort of okay.
and now i'm on the edge of a precipice.
was flipping through my organiser today.
and watched how the chain of events have turned quite fluidly.
i'm still fairly amazed at how short the time span actually is.

and then i was reading something earlier and i was instantly reminded of someone.
someone i think about now and then.
quite unfrequently, but with a pinch of nostalgia and the usual what ifs.
and i wonder if there have been any changes.
actually, i don't wonder, i know.
but just wonder what they are.
and how it used to feel like it revolved around me but now there's another centre of revolution.
it's always nice to know it's you.
but then if it's not, it's still all good.

and then somehow in between the chain of random thoughts, all three kind of weaved themselves together.
because thinking about it, they are all linked in some sense.
not directly, but indirect association.

and even though i expected myself to feel sad (heh heh self-indulgence), i didn't at all.
it was just a drawn back perspective and a tad wistful.

and i saw kasster today!
i seriously wondered where he died to.
but it's good to know he's alive and kicking.

i have a sudden urge to see all the people i haven't seen in ages.
primary school friends like annabelle
the squashies cheryl liz drea stella (even though i've seen stella but i better put her name down just in case)
MR LOH! i know this sounds crazy but i suddenly miss having a squashteacherincharge like him. he was funny.
and erm mr kok? i wonder if he remembers me. i'm nostalgic for aprime.
joan. but i know she's coming back real soon.
and pq whom i haven't spoken to in a really long time.

i think there's always this regret that you didn't try hard enough or things simply didn't work out.
and subconsciously, even though you know it's not within your control, you sometimes wonder what you could have done to prevent it.

growing older is a very scary thing.

out of the blue today, my dad talked to me about friends and relationships.
he's so subtle but yet i knew he planned to talk to me about it.
and he pared everything down so simply i wonder what it was that made it so complicated in the first place.
sometimes my dad makes so much sense it makes me wanna cry.
because it's so comforting and suddenly everything seems to be all right :)

and at school today, we recalled our beastly embarrassing past.
i think these are just the prominent memories of primary/lowersec that remain cemented in your head and you don't have to write it down to remember because it is a part of you.

and i'm proud to say i don't think i've ever been a mean girl! <3

actually, thinking back, i reckon i was pretty damn nice.
sometimes i wish i was still so nice because i feel really guilty everytime a nasty thought automatically pops into my head.
in fact, sometimes i don't even feel guilty! : /
and i wonder how come there were so many bitchy little girls in mgs.
back then it didn't register to us that people were being bitchy but now looking back, i'm quite horrified at how little girls can be so vicious and venemous.
i mean at such a young age they've already cultivated the beginnings of a macchiavellian nature, sowing discord!
sometimes i wonder how i survived primary school :S

but of course it wasn't without the good times.
hmm.. actually primary school wasn't all that fun.
i can't recall any significantly nice and fun events that wasn't without something bad.
okay, secondary school was MUCH better :)

just a little random bit of today.

me: hey look BIRD FIGHT!

everybody ignores me.

me: HEY LOOK THE BIRDS ARE FIGHTING! BIRD FIGHT!

everyone still ignores me.

me: LOOK BIRDS ARE FIGHTING!!!!

kaiting: they are having sex lah okay.

me: oh.

i seriously thought they were fighting.

'so aggressive.

poor sparrows.

speaking of which, so how do you tell whether birds are mating or actually fighting?

and tomorrow is our second game.

wooooo, warm up for our hwachong game next week which is making me ABIT scared.

mistakes don't mean a thing if you don't regret them.
just a thought.
made alot of sense to me.

so today we won
YAY! YAY! YAY!
not like it was much of a win
BUT...
good preparation for next week when we play hwachong.

so today it was storming while we were having e4 and we were doing the shitfield story where it was storming and all the soldiers were sinking in the shitfield.
and then when we were dismissed and we were trying to get out of our isolated little happy hut of an NL, there was this huge muddy flooded puddle at the bottom of the zaogeng stairs.
and all i remembered was jamie shouting, "SHITFIELD! SHITFIELD!"
at that point of time, it really looked like a shitfield.

and for a mo it felt a little vietnam-ish.
with our NLs looking so dilapidated like rusty metal huts and surrounded by trees and soil and mud.
no wonder i was so immersed in the story!
with the setting and stormy weather.
ohwell shitfield. ugh.

and later on when i went to collect the blue slips from madam she said, "so you girls are released at 11.50 except on important game days where you're released at 11.10. and meet at 12.30? so you girls can take an mrt there.."
MRT?!
MRT?!
we're sports(wo)men of the school and without even chartering us a bus so we can be well rested before our game, they make us take the MRT!!!!!
even jlo thought i was bluffing :/
but with sufficient begging, we finally took a cab.

but it was a very dull and pathetic sight.

16 boys and girls loaded with bags and rackets and sharing two tiny umbrellas making their way from school to the road in the rain.
i don't think anyone would believe we're in the midst of competition :/

and i did plenty of embarrassing things today.

me: waah who's ipod is this? there's hanson in it.. *sniggersnigger*
someguy opposite me: err it's mine.
me: oops sorry.

me: cass! I NEED TO RELAX! *stretches arms forward and ends up punching a water bottle off the table*
girl at the next table: *giggle giggle*
me: oh shit sorry.

me: okay girls listen up! our goal for today is to beat tpjc 3-0, 3-0, 3-0, 3-0, 3-0!
-looks up-
and okay the bloody tpjc coach is peering down at me.

and hurhur i wasn't the only one today.
two girls talking to a guy
guy: so who are you playing next?
girl: ACJC.. aiyoh sure die la!
-looks up and sees sihua and i in our acjc tshirts-
girl: oh shit oh shit i'm sorry i'm sorry!

hmm, now that i've recounted it, it doesn't seem that funny.
but i found it quite hilarious today.

and i have alot of homework to complete!
tonight i will do my mcq so i can catch up and stay abreast in tan cc's class.
and i will try and get my 2weeks overdue gp essay done.
AND finish my AQ
AND read my gp reading package.
:)

i think i'm going a bit wonky.
to gear myself up for season yesterday, i was unconsciously doing AC cheers softly in the shower.
for a mo, i seriously thought i was mad.

after lunch today my father said something quite witty!
mother: okay let's go shopping.
me: shopping shopping!
father: shopping.. shopping.. you shop, i sob.

i am going through a period of time where i feel things like clothes are immaterial.
i think it's guilt :/
i go through these ultra long phases where i think i never have enough.
so when i've bought quite a few things, i start to think how often do i actually wear them?
and i probably wouldn't wear them in 10 years.
and i think of all the money wasted and all i could have done with it and i feel this very very painful pinch of guilt.

i am feeling QUITE frustrated and it's eating away inside of me.
anyway first game of season tomorrow!!
hope it all goes well :)

for some reason i keep thinking of all the e4 and econs lessons i'm gonna miss cause of season.
it scares me very very much.
and i still haven't done my gp essay :/

and in spite of all this flurry of trouble and activities
i will be still, know You are God.

i think the more self-expression is promoted, the less we seem to be able to express ourselves.
it's like all these outlets have made us spoilt for choice and we end up in a state of apathy.

was thinking about what we discussed during lit about expletives in The Things They Carried and it made me wonder why people swear.
i mean in lit we saw it as a form of repression, where there was instant closure to a topic and a lack of real words to express the enormity of emotion.
and in some ways, i guess it's pretty similar.
i mean nothing beats saying, "SHIT THAT WAS DAMN GOOD."
it's as if the crudeness and crassness has washed away all discriminating levels of expression rendering it effective and of maximum impact.

but either way, effective or not, i don't particularly encourage it.
because i'm sure we're capable of using real words to express ourselves rather than packaging our emotions into one neat word! or not so neat word.

and i suppose the same goes for song lyrics.
the enormity of our feelings seem to elude us of words till we resort to borrowing.
but i have nothing against song lyrics.
in fact, i quite like them!
i guess song lyrics make us feel as though someone out there is thinking the very same thing we're thinking, feeling the very same thing we're feeling, but expressing what we cannot express.
i just think there's a fervent need for lucid expression.
because now, even i have been a victim or saying, "oh shit. i felt damn what."
like hmm, what? WHAT?
yes precisely, what.

right now, i seem to be doing all the things i don't like to do and not doing all the things i like to do.
i like watching tv. but i don't anymore.
but that's because i'm forced by the awful programme selection.
i like to read. but i don't anymore.
because i have no new books and i need to finish my lit books (return of the native! which is quite hard. the words swim around.)
i like to bum online. i still do. but i don't enjoy it.
i like to talk to the people i like to talk to. but i haven't been doing that. just because.
i love to eat. but my house has suddenly been depleted of food. it doesn't even have RIBENA!
and i don't like ********. but i still go.
i don't like homework. but i try to do it.
and i don't like being bored and lonely. but i am.