today was a nice homely day.
homely days have a real heartwarming effect on me.
had tuition for two hours and I HATE TRIGO and then mich and i cooked baked pasta after.
or more like she cooked and i helped AND learned and washed up :)
very good experience i must say.
i'm suddenly feeling very domesticated.
with these strange urges to cook and sew.

spent the rest of the day sleeping thanks to the early wakeup call of tuition.
and dinner with the family was really good.
binged on good old hawker fare of mini-steamboats, pig liver porridge and fried carrot cake.
TOMORROW.
my diet starts.

and im getting abit tired of blogging cause i don't have anything particular i want to say.
currently, the sole purpose of my blog is to note down events of my day so i won't forget them.
but it's nice to think that my blog has a greater purpose than that.

fridays are fundays which isn't exactly true.
because i've a tendency to embrace but get faintly annoyed with fridays.
or maybe i'm just a very annoying person who gets annoyed easily.

been identifying very undesirable traits in myself.
and been trying to correct them.
i'm on an unsuccessful road.

the highlight of my day was going for dinner with the girls where i got to smash plates.
and NO becky i'm not going to say "i was overwhelmed and filled with amazement and joy as i raised the plate and watched it smash to smithereens" and fiona NO i am not going to say its "mighty lovely" though it IS mighty lovely.
actually its neither of the above.
its exhilarating.
theres a very satisfying sense of satisfaction.

second highlight of my day would be PE.
best PE i've had all year so far.
softball is THE game i would play if i didnt have squash.
and our class beat ahred very.. well we beat them by a fair margin.

i actually completed my GP.
its a great load off my back. and i've done almost all of chinese except a little summary which is all i've left to do.
i hate weekends knowing i have to cram test preparation.
and i hate weekends knowing i have to wake up at EIGHT AM for math tuition.
oh and mich, i'm not exactly sure what im doing.
i dont even KNOW if my mother bought the ingredients.
but if she didnt, we will just make do with whatever is in the house.

this is a very love-hate post.
which is probably because i'm feeling abit annoyed/upset/pmsey whatever you want to call it for no good reason, but when i think about the day i had, i can think of rather nice things that happened to me.

i hate my heart.
i want to get a new heart.

trained with the boys and played tennis with boey and limseepoy (or however you spell it) after school and it was GOOD :)
the fact that i may not even BE in the team next year dawned on me and i decided i'd better start putting in extra effort if i didn't want to be a captain that isnt even in the registered team.
the shedding of pounds is a bonus thoguh squash never seems to make me lose weight because of those short sprints and little rest breaks we get between rallies.
i MUST attempt to do slow jogs soon.
SOON.

tennis with boey and mr.lim was pretty entertaining and i reckon i'm not too fantastic at tennis HAH.
and matt was making comments he SHOULD NOT be making.

despite today being Terrible Thursday, school was bearable and almost even nice.
frisbee for pe and it was probably the first proper game i played with the class (minus the boys).
although i figured sports with many people and one ball have become strangely foreign to me because i seem to not have the natural instinct to guard people or lunge/jump/leap or whatever for the ball.

recess with the AA1girls minus sue inclusive of fiona and yap and it was full of ponning stories.
or ponning STORY.

completely irrelevant, whatever i'm saying today.
because a third of my mind is on gp another third is on chinese and a third is on trying to write a proper blog entry and..
i think i'm out.

BY THE WAY, track finals yesterday was so damn overwhelming because aside from national day preview in p5 and some other random concerts, i haven't been to the national stadium in YEARS and to see hordes of people in school colours with a multitude of banners stretched across the stands was just simply breathtaking because truthfully i've never really seen anything like it.
although the rain was a real dampener because it kept RAINING.
and stopping.
and RAINING.
and stopping.

squash games don't provide much room for grandeur and i mean that literally. although it is very comfortable and there's AMPLE shade from the sun and AMPLE (more than ample actually) shelter from the rain and nice huge fans oscillating.

i am digressing from whatever point i wanted to make which i can't even recall now.
i shall give a sixth of my mind to gp and another sixth to chinese now.

 

the day started out horribly miserable from the early hours of 12 midnight, although the misery extended way back a couple of hours. the horrible outcome of all that misery was tears and swollen eyes that refused to open properly in the light of the day.

God's been good to me.
in God i trust :)
it's such an ambivalent word.
Trust.
it's so hard to emcompass whatever it means but yet it means so much.

okay had a good day.
training was good.

just realised today that miss jamie tan reads hiro's blog and me and mich are linked from hiro's blog with our full names.
so there is a very high possibility that my blog has been read by her and perhaps other teachers but personally i don't really mind because it's not as if i spill out my guts about this and that in my life till i'm bare.
but still.
ohhhhhhmygoooooodness.

it is mildly embarrassing to think about how all this rubbish i spout on my blog appears to someone of higher authority.
rather similar to when i read other people's blogs and i'm thinking to myself hahaha how can she write like that or when i randomly quote what people say on their blogs because i find it amusing.
and looking at a younger person's perspectives on things through older eyes does create some.. well interesting effects to say the least.

so at the risk of sounding like a complete goofball, here's an inconsequential pattern i've noticed in my week.
weekends and mondays and tuesdays i'm on a real high.
weekends for obvious reasons and mondays and tuesdays because of the relaxed schedule where school really seems to breeze by.
then by wednesday the grime starts to set in and i'm feeling rather disgruntled.
but because of early dismissal, it does have some saving grace.
and thursday being Terrible Thursday with double math double econs pe and just about all the tutorials possible (and thursdays seem to have a habit of being either suffocatingly humid or thunderously rainy) is just hideous and makes my day bad, bad, bad.
fridays just settle into a sulky sort of day where i'm placated by the fact the weekend is nearly there, but those annoyingly long and evil hours between me and my weekend is enough to spoil my mood.
a very mindless observation but one that i'm glad i've noticed nonetheless because i can mentally prepare myself before wednesday comes and the night before thursday, i am going to brace myself fully for the worst, so when it comes, it wouldn't seem so bad :)

so since today is monday, i had a rather good time.
breezy weather, enjoyable classes, great chapel and a rather relaxed tinge in the air.
crazy as this may sound, mondays are my favourite days.
there's something awfully hurried and stressful about weekends because they seem to pass just all too soon and there's always the mad rush to squeeze in whatever we can during the weekends.
with a blink of an eye, it's sunday night.
thank God for great mondays.
it's just the wednesdays and thursdays that i've abit of trouble coping with.

track finals on wednesday gotta cancel math tuition with the tute for the second time.
HE IS GONNA BLOW.

yz: ohh erm allright then i'll ask claire who you are.
sarahann: this weekend can can? if not how about next week? coool? sigh i was thinking about how FUN econs lects were during first three months :) you me and tania.

made all these plans to crash founders tonight but nothing materialised.
was gonna cab down with alina after bex played me out but parents made me go for family dinner in the end because they thought i couldnt make it back in time.
in the end we left my dad's friend's house at 10 which means i had PLENTY of time to leave founders and make it to his friend's house.
so i don't get to see my pretty juniors all dressed up :(

church today was at prayer and praise and it was rather good.
abit of an answer to my previous post and prayers because i guess i have to learn to be content and accept myself because God does what is best for me.
and i've certainly got to learn to live in His word and be a living testimony for Him.
and so thinking about it, i guess i wanna write about all the things He's blessed me with.

1. i've got a great family :)
2. i've got a great best friend :)
3. i've got great friends. friends whom i know i can count on, and friends who i can really click with.
4. i'm not a stupid girl. i may not be a genius, but i think He has blessed me with ample intelligence.
5. He's made me grown closer to Him. and i think that's truly a blessing.
6. i've got a roof over my head, food to eat and clothes to wear.
7. i've got things going for me in school. He blessed me with captainship and many other things.
8. He blessed me by putting me in mgs and acjc, where i'd be reminded of Him every single day.

so many things to be thankful for.
like miss goh used to say COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS.
He's blessed me with many more things, but these are the few of the most important things to me.

insatiety does improve the self, but it translates to misery as well. because we never feel good enough or satisfied and we always want more, more, more.
but i guess feeling content is a wonderful feeling.
i don't think i've ever felt content before, but it is something i've got to learn.
because even if we had whatever we wanted, we're just going to want more.
wanting is never ending and greed is boundless.
its so much harder to think of things that you can be grateful than to think of things you want.
it's easy to want, but to accept and be content is hard.
but being content is the essence of happiness.
so, something to learn everyday.

is it strange to want to be a better person?
it never used to occur to me, but lately, the last two years, i've been wanting to be a better person.
improvements are hard to measure, and it's difficult to judge ourselves.
and in what way do i want to improve?
i know i want to be more like Christ.

was watching As Told By Ginger, and she said we want many things, but when we wish for something, it's usually something bigger than wanting new clothes or things like that.
when we wish for something, it's something that we really really treasure.
like wishing that our families would be happy and healthy, wishing that our friends would get to know Christ and things like that.
a wish becomes less self-centred and it involves the people we love.

school tomorrow and i'm quite looking forward to it because it's a monday and mondays are fundays.
it's when i reach wednesdays and thursdays that the grub sets in.
well i pray for a good week.

YZ: ohh thanks, but who're you exactly? claire's church mate? whats your name?
eric: yeaa i'm getting better, just gotta learn to be content. and i'm thankful that i've got a BEST FRIEND like you :)
liz: HOW'RE YOU LIZZZ! thanks for tagging! fwaah i miss you heaps man :( shizzos, when you leave jc we must still KEEP IN TOUCH okay?
rens: you owe me one renzzzie :)
esther: when you leave, remember to mail me okay? sigh even though we were never really that close, i'll miss youu.
va: VAVAAMOEBA. i know i had something to tell you. i'll tag you when i remember.
owen: my cheeks are not pinchable! i'll lose the baby fat soon :)

been drifting in between reality and and the isolated bubble of thoughts. i don't mean i've got half my head stuck in the clouds but been feeling set apart and immersed in the real deal periodically.

for example, during the span of last night and this morning my mind wouldn't register the fact that i had a gp mock this morning, so once i thought i remembered, in moments i would forget.
which means i conveniently shut the alarm clock and went back to sleep thinking that i had a good six more hours to sleep with the pounding rain overhead.
and yes i was 15 minutes late.
managed to churn out an essay which i wasn't sure i addressed correctly and comprehension was nothing short of difficult.
failed to complete the AQ although the fact that i had no stand would probably fail me even if i'd finished it.

unsuccessful shopping days and aching feet but good food aren't good for the soul. even the thought of having satisfied one area of my hunger, the literal one, doesn't cheer me up.
been unhappy of late and doing alot of thinking, although my process of thought is highly unintelligent and bordering self-centredness.

been doing self-analysis and berating myself and the circumstances around me. it's said to be healthy to question yourself from time to time because it makes us all better people, but instead of healthy shots of life, i seem to be getting doses of inferiority complex and self loathe.

i'm vaguely aware i sound like a depressed maniac but i'm not.
i do see the brighter things in life, i know what gifts i have.
and i also know what i do not have and i've identified all too well that what i do not have seems to be glaring right at me and it seems to be oozing out of everybody else.

i think i used to think i was pretty confident.
but self perceiving and being are two different things.
we all do have blind eyes.
blind to what we do not want to see, narrowing the scope of ourselves.
or perhaps the mirror in our heads reflect just what we like to see, almost as though our analysis has gone through a transformation machine which edits our perceptions and deletes those that we do not want.
although from time to time i've found myself delving into the trash bin to dish out flaws and incapabilities, infecting myself with the germs.

i know i'm not usually this pessimistic because i deem myself a rather cheerful person.
but like i said, self-perceiving and being are two different things.
even cheer dims and hides itself sometimes.

i hope to rid this narcissim (i may berate and run myself down, but it is rather narcissistic to talk about yourself all the time) soon.
i want to spin theories on world affairs, formulate my own worthy-for-thought opinions and make the world a better place.
but internal affairs first :)

With loving hearts and joyous song we sing to MGS
And tell the fame of that fair name for we can do no less
We hope that we may honour bring, and heaven ever bless
Our school, the fairest in the land, our own dear MGS
 
Down through the years our memories will keep a loving place
For friendships made and pleasures shared, and lessons learnt apace
For those who worked and gave their best that we might learn to face
The trials of life with faith and hope and nobly run the race.
 
And now we're proud to raise the shout and sing of MGS
Lift high her banner one and all, her name we now profess
In work and play, for honours won, today our hearts confess
The debt we owe, the love we hold for our dear MGS
 
i just simply felt like typing out our school song :)
went back as a graduate today, dressed in my AC Number One. felt pretty proud to be all dressed up and treated like a guest for a change, being able to eat at the reception, but i think all i really wanted was to rip off the attire and wear the good old mgs uniform again.

i remember thinking i had alot to write on this, but i'm very tired after an extremely long day because AC made us go back after the ceremony.
so whatever thoughts i had are now jumbled and tossed into a blender.

after school met up with bex and izzy then met my sis and aunts.
psycho cab driver who was rather amusing albeit annoying talked nonstop all the way home.

GP mock tomorrow.
i am very unprepared.

and some things just puzzle me.
i dont see how some people can run from hot to cold and make me feel so insecure.
i don't see how doing that is going to make things better.
i don't see how thats going to make people better friends.
i dont see how that is solving anything.
i simply don't see how.

owen: now i know what goes on in that head! and ribena berry looks FAT. i dont want a fat face :(
va: oh man i looked awfully queer in my number one! okay pics will be up soon soon.
esther: yehh i dont get why they're called number ones either. haha and you looked veryvery guai in yours :)
eric: pffFfffffft. haha i just felt like saying that. okay doodle more. thankks.

my optimism is starting to fade.
that was rather brief.

didn't do much in school today. woke up to the sound of pouring rain and my drug-induced sleep had me feeling bleary, so much so that i plopped myself straight back to bed.
woke up half an hour later and did my ablutions and dressed and packed in a flash.
made it to school on time thanks to my father.
felt rather sleepy all day so we skipped math lect supposedly to nap but i ended up having porridge like i usually do if i've the first period free.

went for makan journey at yapper's insistence and ten bucks well paid it was :)
had a very good heart-to-heart and gorgeous malay buffet (racial harmoney day you see..).
went back to school to claim yap's lost wallet and ended up sitting by the bleachers having another great talk followed by another great bus ride home.
arrived at the conclusion that she and i are pretty similar and its gratifying knowing that someone else sees and experiences the same things that you do especially when everybody else doesn't seem to.
thanks rachel for the grrrrreat day :)

YZ: oh thankks, but who are you? who's friend friend are you?

i hate scorching glaring stifling humid-degree-soaring days.
with little showers gracing us with their presence intermittenly.
it settles into that neither here nor there region and my body runs hot and cold along with it.
and i'm sick enough to begin with.
 
minus the weather, today wasn't all that bad.
girly chitchats with the AA1 girls plus yapper about jocks and non-jocks during math lect were hilarious and playing Q&A with shuch during econs lect is rather fun too although on a sidenote, i really ought to start taking down notes during lectures.
 
and i got my lit back! a D :)
can't say i'm delighted but it's pretty comforting knowing i passed.
and GP test today wasn't too hard but being a slowpoke like i usually am i didnt get to finish it.
i must let mich influence me more cause when it comes to GP tests and essays, mich is THE MAN! or err.. WOMAN!
the way she writes speedily and neatly (her fast rushed handwriting is neater than my slow one) and finishes tests in a FLASH is something i ought to learn.
 
ohwell.
life's getting mundane.
uneventful in a very eventful way.
i still remember those days when life was just buzzing with activity.
it didn't seem like much, but it seemed to be a whole lot of fun and my life was just full of things to do.
 
like in sectwo, when i was CRAZY about training and participating in nationals for the first time, training seemed to be full of things new and refreshing.
and there was this vast room for improvement and the novelty of squash which pushed me to train harder and harder.
and also the excitement of getting a cellphone and having people message you every minute or so and including you in their life, making you feel like a vital part of their lives.
the way i woke up every morning to see a message on my phone and the way i'd have a message to tell me goodnight before i slept.
and there was also all the late night phone chats where i'd yak away on the phone til the wee hours in the morning and school and homework just didn't seem to matter and the grades weren't too bad.
 
now, training seems to be another load on top of homework and the long hours of school.
and the fact that i've deproved considerably doesn't seem to be any more encouraging because everytime i hit a shot i'd think "i didn't used to hit like that."
and now i'm always too lazy to message someone for fun and in return no one messages me for fun.
and everytime my phone beeps, i just KNOW that it's either someone asking about what time is this that, when's training, or information about one thing or another.
and i can't even be bothered to call anyone too because whatever free time i have i seem to like to spend it alone.
and school and grades seem to matter a whole lot more now and come a lot less easily too.
 
and why on earth am i spilling out my sad boring life in this awful manner.
i must be losing my marbles.
because truthfully, i'm just making myself sound sadder than i am.
life really isn't too bad :)
 

students council investiture today was so grand and tear-inducing (no i didn't cry) that i almost half wished i didn't drop out of council.
just to wear that smart fitting school blazer with gold buttons and march down the aisle while everyone stood and applauded with cheesy but uplifting movie soundtrack-ish music blaring in the background (i think it was jurassic park, when the helicopter is flying overhead and the music plays?).
but certainly just that moment of pride and glory doesn't make up for the hours i'll have to spend slaving and balancing my studies and cca with my very unskilful balancing skills.
i shall look forward to that day in 2005 where we've won the squash championships and everyone's shouting "WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS!" and i've got that championship trophy grasped in my hand :)
that's good enough for me.
 
classes in school are getting progressively better and more bearable. not because i've suddenly been bestowed with great insight and intelligence, and able to complete my assignments swiftly and skilfully, but perhaps it's something to do with my outlook on school.
something happened to me over the weekend.
i like to think that it's God working in me.
because all of a sudden, i seem to be able to brave the long hours of school and subjects that i detest and whatever that seemed impossible seems possible now.
 
today was a very VD day.
except it wasn't windy.
it was hot, VERY hot.
but definitely one of the better VD days where everyone hangs around and engages in comfortable conversation and munches on snacks.
quite a change from the air of isolation i'd been feeling of late.
 
been missing quite a few friends.
i miss joan.
was thinking of the way how joan and i don't have to see or talk to each other very much, but whenever i see her or talk to her, i can tell her just about ANYTHING.
and i miss swong.
we've drifted quite abit over the years, but recently it's been nice talking to her and meeting up occasionally. reminded me of how much a good friend she was to me in lower sec.
and i miss ta.
ta and i never really saw eye to eye and we've had loads of squabbles, but she's always been there in my life someway or another.
and i miss fiona.
although i see her everyday at school, we never seem to be able to talk much or have a proper conversation. so near yet so far.
and i miss becky.
i havent SEEN her in ages.
and i miss eric.
i know he's only left yesterday, but i'd almost forgotten how nice it was to have him around without worrying about stupid time zones. thank goodness for technology. speaking of which, eric, if you read this, mail me QUUUUICKLY.
 
i'm getting quite excited about founders.
and crashing the founders dinner.
to finally be able to eat at the reception (for TEN years, i've heard about it but i NEVER got to eat it) and view the school not as a house of early morning torture, but as my alma mater.
the school that shaped and educated me in more ways than one and filled and coloured my memories.
and just to dim this supposedly glowing nostalgic review of mgs, somehow when you look back, the bad memories just seem to fade and become drifting visions, and you sorta gloss over it.
for example, when i look back, mgs seems like a glowing, sweet memory of my past, full of laughs and events that bring a smile to my face.
but when i force myself to truly remember, i don't think i want to relive the torturous six hour chem remedials with miss goh and the AWFUL physics and all the times i felt insecure and lonely.
right, i digress.
so back to what i was saying, i can finally view mgs in beautiful biased light and not hold in significance all the bad times i've had though i must say it has played a rather important role in shaping me.
 
and crashing the dinner!
can't wait to see my lovely juniors all grown up, dressed up and made up :) can't wait to take pictures with them so i can add to my collection of memories of mg squash.
can't wait to.. erm well dress up.
 
this is a rather long post i noticed.
and i'm vaguely aware at how contented i sound, abit like a glowing cheeseball, but like i said, somehow there seems to be so much to live for nowadays.
 

i think i need to get in touch with my spiritual self.
more plainly speaking, having a healthier relationship with God.
 
been reading my bible abit more lately and though i can't really find some of the answers, faith is all that matters right?
that i should keep waiting on the Lord because one day He'll show Himself to me.
i keep thinking about people i know who are so at peace with God and themselves, that they are literally in a bubble, protected by our Father and nothing gets them down because they're working for the Lord.
and i think to myself, I want that. I WANT THAT.
because i've been muddling along in my life, being a sunday Christian, yoyoing up and down, knowing i should do something, but while the spirit is willing, the flesh is weak.
 
been reviewing my life lately, and it seems i've been blinded by all these things that shouldn't matter.
i'm not saying that studies and family etcetc don't matter, but they're secondary.
i want my life to be consumed by God so much so that in my every action i'm doing my best for Him with His hand guiding me.
and everything else like grades, friends, relationships and internal struggles with the self just become minute in comparison.
 
been struggling with myself and who i am and what i want recently and like the speaker at church today said, "I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired."
thoughts are jumbled and disjointed right now because i've no clarity of my life at all.
but right now, i just want to try and focus on the constant in my life which is God.
I pray for strength.
 
"With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God."
Mark 10:27
 
fiona&sue: don't let rachel see this. HEHHEHHEH. oh and soozie, i sure hope tan cc is kidding cos.. URGH.
eric: work on the faces?! gosh whats THAT supposed to mean. anyway you have a good term, i'll miss you. AND YOU OWE ME MAIL. i think.
va: come back and visit! i miss waving to youu :(
 

i wish blogger would stop revamping so frequently. just as i'd gotten used to one format, they'd change it, and i'd have to readjust to the changes.
 
anyway, first things first.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUMMY!!
mich's mom and my mom share the same birthday and after some trading of stories, i reckon they're pretty alike.
 
down with the flu and skipped Terrible Thursday.
as much as i hate Terrible Thursday, i think i hate being sick more :(
snuffly noses and dry coughs are NOT good.
spent the better part of the day sleeping and the night rushing eric's very very belated birthday present.
 
i skipped PE yesterday.
although watching the class play something other than soccer with teacher supervision made me wish i'd taken PE that day.
and highlight of the day would have been The Betty Stories (as mich said, THIS deserves to be in caps).
laughed till my sides would split, voicebox would explode, etc etc.
betty is hilarious :)
but i guess its people like her that make life so interesting and so much more colourful.
 
spent the day yesterday after school with eric and The Whole Ten Yards was not good at all.
NOT GOOD.
it was very unsatisfying, considering how much i'd enjoyed The Whole Nine Yards.
 
and whatever happened to the good old traditional passport size photo taking machines!
where the camera clicks so fast, that the four photos come out capturing your every unprepared smile and gesture.
we spent quite an embarrassing amount of time squashed in a shiny new photo booth trying to figure out how it worked and it came out as a bloody NEOPRINT!
if i'd wanted a neoprint, i would have gone to a neoprint machine!
after all, neoprint machines allow me to take multiple shots, choose coloured backgrounds and scribble rubbish.
but this awful awful new photo booth displayed an array of choices that said "sixteen photos", "four passport sized photos" "colour/black&white" etcetc.
so we gladly went into the booth with the promise that we could have four nice passport sized photos in black and white and with different poses.
anyway that stupid thing gave me sixteen neoprint shots.
in colour.
with no different poses.
 
right.
so today i had tuition with mich in the morning.
and i slept though i wasn't sleepy.
and now i'm going for dinner with the family to celebrate my mother's birthday.
although i didn't do anything, today's been a pretty good day :)
 

jame and i had a rather interesting escapade just with the sole aim of watching Windstruck.
cabbed to lido only to gaze forlornly at the black screen which told us Windstruck was only at 7.45pm. so we called 100 to check times, went to McCafe to take a peek at their newspaper and cabbed to marina square which was the only place showing Windstruck.
jaywalked from marina mandarin hotel to marina square much to the amusement of squatting smoking cooks when we yelled "NOW!" just because we were too timid to jaywalk that massive road.
marina square was renovating and we walked half a round only to be told that the entrance was at the OTHER side of the road.
so we jaywalked or jayran more like, back to the other side of the road while those squatting smoking cooks continued to snigger.
binged on ice cream and foot long cheese hotdogs while crying buckets during Windstruck.

after weeks of empty claims such as "i wanna watch windstruck!" "lets watch windstruck!", i finally caught it! it was abit of a spoiler and an anti-climax due to the fact that i'd read the filmotography reviews which mentally prepared me for the disjointed scenes.

admittedly, they were a tad bit disjointed at the beginning as they jumped from scene to scene, date to date, sweet to jampacked action rather rapidly while i had no real concept of their relationship.
but at the so called turning point of the movie, it did turn my confusion around because jame and i cried buckets during the movie.
i would spill out the movie scene by scene, tidbit by tidbit but i wouldn't wanna be a spoiler.
except i guess i must bear in mind that most cinemas aren't even screening that movie anymore because i took so long to watch it.

well despite the itchy furriness in my throat and the random shivers, i don't think i had that bad a day.
and tomorrow is going to have to be bring-cereal-and-waterbottle-to-school day.
i don't understand how i managed to spend 60bucks in three days on food.

yesyes sorry and thanks for the correction fifz!
i mean insignificant.
my spelling now is probably a reflection of my gp grades 25/50 although i think i can wean a mark or so from ng chengcheng.

school today was rather relaxing except for the hovered gloom and disappointment in my math grades.
i ought to be shot.
28/70, 11 marks gone due to stupid mistakes.
note i didn't say careless because they were careless to the point that it has fallen off the minimum careless mark and has dropped into the stupidity category.

my love for food has been rekindled.
i've gone back to those food-crazy days where i would plan my meal for the day the day before.
although the plans are susceptible to change, depending on the mood i'm in and whatever i've a whiff of in the canteen on that particular day.
so right now, my plan for tomorrow is to have a chicken prata for recess and the essential iced tea with two slices of lemon:)

training today wasn't too good but neither was it bad.
meaning i wasn't frustrated to the tips of my hair because i couldn't smack the ball right.
today was a day where i carried out my shots and identified whatever i couldn't do.
so i've identified a whopping big problem of not being able to return service properly which truly messes up your entire game.
because when you give a loose return, the other would capitalise on that weak shot and return it with an excellent one meaning that you'd keep returning loose shots or worse still miss it completely.
and court sprints are taking the breath out of my lungs.
i still remember being able to run an average of 19 laps per minute for five sets of sprints and being one of the fastest for those touch-toe lunges and back pedals back in mgs.
and currently, my average for sprints would be a slow 16 per minute and by the third set, i am panting heavily.
so tomorrow its back to mgs with cheryl and it does feel a tad bit like going home, or back to the roots more like.

i like windy empty vd days.
there's a thick sense of cosy friendship, especially when all the warmth you feel is the one emanating from the inside. because basically you are happy to be free of lessons and the warm conversations from your friends is a great bonus.
i hope all tuesday early days are windy empty vd days.

i've reverted back to the incessant ramblings of my insignificant (haha i spelt it right this time!) days.
because like jamie and i were saying, if we didn't blog about what we did that day, a couple of weeks or months later, we'd have absolutely no recollection of whatever we'd done.
talk about short term memory.

anyways, all the best MICH for swimming finals and your AHEM sealing of fate:)
sue: i know! i think we were making up surnames and names and making everyone's name sound like rage's!
swong: disciple in whaaaat?
mich: i call you trusty old aa1 girls because i can always count on youuuuuu! come back to school quick. lessons just arent the same without you next to me.
kuangfu: weiweinihao zui hao the peng you. ni shi wo de ICHIBAN!

ohwell, i'd better maximise whatever goodwill and inner peace i've been experiencing lately.
here's to a good week ahead.

today was surprisingly nice. not a delightful day sizzling with excitement but a rather subdued nice day.
the damp morning led to a rainy day which left my elbows aching.
when i ask what it is everyone tells me its arthritis which seems a little incongruous at this point of time.
i must be getting old.

spent the math lect with rachelyap instead of the trusty old aa1 girls for a change and it was rather nice catching up and stuff since i don't always hang out with her all the time. and rachel is veryVERYvery nice to share stuff with:)
missed jame at schoooooool. jame are you reading this? there was long lunch/freeperiod today!
and i found a new kinda cereal today thanks to krystle which tastes MIGHTY GOOD!
cocopaws:)
for a moment i thought it was cocopores but the cereal gave it away cause well basically its shaped like a PAW.

just found out shrooms is a kind of organic drug.
and for some weird reason people have been calling me shrooms lately when i'd thought that nickname was only within the squash team.
i know this is completely irrelevant but i ate up people's leftover mushrooms today.
i HATE it when people leave their mushrooms behind.
well basically i hate it when people leave any kind of food behind.
unless its the inconsequential and insignifant peas and carrots which i don't really fancy.

been dabbling around with a couple of good pw ideas which missjamietan very generously contributed.
just gotta check it out with the school admin board before proceeding.
strange as it seems, although pw seemed rather daunting with the study of trends and solutions and whatnot, everything's been pretty smooth sailing.
except for the people we interviewed who unhelpfully replied in their mail "or you can also check it out at our website.." which is a completely stupid thing to say because we obviously would have checked their info on their website before contacting them.

mrted home with alina and the ruggers who were training or not training at yck.
a little strange to see them walking around yck mrt station because it seems as though school and home are two separate realms and when they're in my territory everything seems to rearrange itself.
had nice oldman wafer icecream again:) chocolate this time.
and alina introduced some chocolate covered toffee popcorn which is DAMN GOOOOOOOD.
im gonna get myself a pack this weekend.

and sometimes i think guys really don't understand the girls psyche.
i sorta always knew guys and girls were different, but i did believe girls were abit more perceptive to understand their psyche but they really don't understand our psyche at all.
for example, me reading a fluffy pink paperback immediately translates into me being a bimbo.
although the shopaholic series is a reasonable fluffy read, but it's a relaxing read. and in my opinion, no matter how fluffy the book, i do believe a few things can be learnt from everything we read because everything is written with a purpose.
and when girls talk, they naturally assume that we're bitching and gossiping and when put in that light, it does make us seem like catty bitches.
although i never did think we were gossiping.
maybe a little bitching, but i like to think that it was more of a discussion where we weighed the pros and cons, differences and similarities, goodpoints and badpoints within a person.
and overall we do accept that person.
we just like to put things into perspective.

okay i realise i do sound a tad bit defensive.
but it's just been puzzling me because with the number of guys going "gn, stop gossiping" when i don't think i am or the exasperated looks they shoot me when i laugh, and them hooting "sweetvalley!" and "gn reads bimbo books!" several times today, i start entertaining these thoughts that perhaps i AM a bimbo.
but preferably, i would like to think that i am not.

eric: i know you came back from bangkok thai DAMN pro but preaase, english or huaawen only:)
lindy: hey lindy, whats ur new blog add?
jamie: FRIDAY GYM set??

i am losing my interest for blogging.
which isn't such a bad thing cause it means i don't have to go online several times a day to feed my compulsive blogging addiction.

for the first time in my life, i received a good remark on my filing skills which are known to be nonexistant because i never filed anything in my life.

and for the first time in AGES, i had raspberry vanilla wafer ice cream.
the kind that the kindly or not so kindly old man on a motorbike sells for a dollar. a dollar twenty on bread.

and for the SECOND time in my sixteen and a half years, i went to use the school gym. again, i couldn't figure out how to work the treadmill so i had to settle for the stationary bike again.
which wasn't too great an idea because my poor overworked muscles were suffering from aches and pains and the arduous bike ride was toooooo much on my legs.
my legs feel as though someone broke them and glued them back together.

and for the first time in my life, i sat on the ledge outside school for close to 2 and a half hours waiting for my dad while mosquitoes feasted on my arms and legs. not to mention crawling ants.
thanks to jamie, laura and titus, it was a rather pleasant 2 and a half hours:)

for the first time in my life, i spelt critical as criticle.
which i suspect is a direct influence of eric's chronic spelling disease.
i was rather ashamed of myself.
i thought i was rather staunch and not easily influenced.

my blog posts nowadays seem to switch rapidly from themed ones to those that ramble on and on and on very very monotonously and back again.

strangely, going online makes me unhappy.
ignorance is bliss, knowledge is piss.
cemented fortresses around the soul sound like a very very good idea.
and i don't like friends.
i don't mean i don't like my friends, i just don't like the strain of having friends sometimes.
expectations, things beyond our control, etc etc, thus the cemented fortresses.

been settling into a middle of nowhere no man's not happy but not sad land.
my life is so uninteresting i am bored to the brink of tears.

i haven't blogged in a mighty long time.
anyway been squashing all week for Peel Fresh Graded and i thought i stood a good chance of getting into top4 but yeah the key word is THOUGHT.
so today i lost after my winning streak and i didn't get into the finals.
if i'd won, i would have.
a real pity but ohwell nevermind, a lesson well learnt :)

yesterday i went back to mgs and the feeling was just indescribable.
i wasn't wildly ecstatic, neither was i filled with dread, but it was this comfortable warmth that flowed all the way down to my toes; a comfort i'd never fully been able to feel in acjc.
of course i was rather shocked at some of the changes, the lovely blue doors now all a dull impersonal steel grey (which is really the most annoying aspect i thought), and the completely revamped track, tennis courts and THE SQUASH COURTS.
yes beautiful, but it wasn't familiar.
although our old track wasn't even a proper track with its loose bricks or whatever it is, the field overgrown with weeds and the wooden conditioning equipment rustic and splintered, there was a very homely atmosphere.

okay heck bout the description of the field in the hot hot sun because that's not where i used to spend my time.
the old squash courts are bigger and there's a subtle change to it, but other than that it is pretty much the same.
The new ones, big and airy and very very grey.
makes me feel as though i'm underground in some secret basement hanging out with the steel pipes.
but it was so good to hang out with lyd and claire and mr koh all over again:)

for term exams, i barely scraped through chinese with a 50%!
and i failed econs by ONE BLOODY MARK!
hopefully, she'll add the CA marks because with the CA marks, i'd at least be able to secure a 51% which isn't fantastic, but a pass is a pass.

frantic and hectic schedules with the hustle and bustle is good for me.
i seem to thrive better with my week full to the brim with activities because i feel as though i have to work harder.
or perhaps it just doesn't feel as though i'm wasting time because the week is full and whatever spare time i have i used it to do something productive even though the time isn't very long.
but it's a promising start.
let's just hope i can keep it that way.

just got home from sleepover at bex's.
didn't enjoy myself as much as i thought i would.
plagued by cramps, bad luck (i was the biggest loser at mahjong) and churlish, sulky moods, i spent most of my time in becky's bed and yelling at the computer.
i must say the best part about the entire night was Pretty Woman.
gosh, i love that movie.

the school term doesn't seem to be starting out right with it beginning with exams, and change in friendships and not to mention tournaments smack right in the evenings after school.
there just seems to be a sense of impending change around.
and like i said, i'm not particularly receptive to change.
certainly doesn't help that i'm going through a teenage identity crisis.

there are some things that i think i wanna be, but i don't think i am.
there are things i think i used to be, but i'm not anymore.
and there are things i make myself be, because i feel as though if i'm not i've lost my self-worth.
and there are things that i am, but people don't like it.
i want to be everything, please everyone and love whatever i am.
but it isn't humanly possible.
currently, i just think i'm a lousy friend.
i don't say the right things at the right times and i'm a pretty awful conversationalist, and i'm not funny or entertaining or anything.
and i'm just feeling very very blue.

first official lessons of the term start tomorrow.
match at six in the evening tomorrow.

and here are some very awful and strange meme results.

Get to know the REAL you by crash_and_burn
Your Name
You Are A:	Nerd
Your Favorite Band/Song	Garth Brooks - Thunder Rolls
You Like To Read:	Fiction novels
You Firmly Believe In:	Free love
Everyone Thinks You Are:	A cheap bastard
You Were Conceived:	In your dad's pinto
You Will Marry:	Britney Spears
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

i'm not even the same bloody sex here!

Your True Nature by llScorpiusll
Username
The quality that most appeals to you:	Empathy
In a survival situation, you:	Scream for help
Your hidden talent is:	A beautiful mind
Your gift is:	Sexual prowess
In groups, you:	Feel uncomfortable
Your best quality is:	Your inclusiveness
Your weakness is:	Being predictable
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

eee is this me? i don't know maybe a half half :)

Your Superhero Persona by couplandesque
Your Name
Superhero Name	Butt-Man
Super Power	Ghetto Booty
Enemy	The Disgruntled Mailman
Mode Of Transportation	Motorcycle
Weapon	Wire Hanger
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

and errm.. i'm not quite sure i like this. right butt-man. i'm the wrong sex AGAIN.

high tea yesterday wasn't too bad although it wasn't great either.
i enjoyed the spreads and stuffings of the breads much more than the bread itself and the desserts weren't fantastic though the fondue was pretty good.
saw kp chen there and she still recognised me even though she taught me in secone.

headed back to my grandma's to play mahjong with the cousins.
won a little, but wasn't the biggest winner.

this post sounds rather monotonous but on a high note, sleepover at becky's later:)

after my horrible encounter with the roach and watching world's deadliest swarms, i declare my hatred and erm.. okay fear of those damn pricklyleggedshite has heightened by a considerable degree.

and you know what?
i saw another one today!
in my kitchen!
a HUGE one!
like hee-uge.

and of all the awful luck, i had to cross the path of that thing because i needed to wash my bowl that i used for supper. the stupid STUPID roach decided to roost or whatever it was doing by the sink!
ok the cupboard beneath the sink meaning if i'd leaned over the bloody sink, the stupid roach would probably be crawling all over my legs.

so anyway i decided going to the sink in the outside kitchen was a better idea.
but i still had to pass that damned roach.
ok washed my bowl, heard lots of gurgling of water, walked back into the inside kitchen and LO and BEHOLD the roach wasn't there anymore!!!
and i was like shite shite shite where's the thing and just as i was walking out of the kitchen i saw that thing scrambling past me so i screamed and shoved a chair at it (ok like it would have worked) and anyway it was about to come within a two centimetre range from me and would have made contact with my feet but on pure instinct i hopped over it and out of the kitchen.

and i swear after that i was quivering all over and my hands were shaking (actually they still are). and i still had the problem of locking up the outside kitchen and the inside.
ok so anyway before i entered i spied with my little eye where that stupid roach decided to hide and found it. and as silently and quickly as i could, locked everything and RANUPTHESTAIRS.

ok so here i am.
i just had to blog about it.
because i don't think my heart has ever thumped so hard before.
not even before nationals or olevels or whatever it was that made me sick to my stomach and my heart hammer.
i
hate
cockroaches.

and please, don't think that my house is infested with roaches.
its the only two i've seen all year.
and anyway, i was watching world deadliest swarms, and they said there are more cockroaches in your house than you think.
that thought is very, very scary.
i wish i had killed the thing.
except i didn't dare to.
so it means THE ROACH IS STILL AROUND.

these are the few things i hate at the moment.

i hate having my life rearranged.
rearranged without me initiating it, but instead rearranged on its own accord.
it is very unsettling; shifting my comfort zone.

and i hate expectations, but yet i expect.
and i hate the way expectations don't meet up.

i hate loneliness.
i hate the way i have people around me, but yet it feels there aren't any.

i hate not knowing what i used to know.
it makes me feel stupid, confused and bewildered.
it makes me disappointed; in myself and the people around me.

i hate change.
when i say change, i mean bad changes.
changes that turn my life around, upside down and pulled in all directions possible.
small bad changes, big bad changes, i hate them all.

i hate not respecting my friends.
and i can't think of anything to elaborate on them because i can't explain it.

and i hate myself.
i hate myself for hating things.

and here are the few things that i love at the moment. or today.

i love shopping with fiona (talking is included too).
the way i manage to snag good buys with her and have a good time altogether.
the way i can say just about anything and the way i can not say anything and it doesnt seem the slightest bit wrong.
i love fiona.

i love talking to michelle (ok shopping is included too).
she always listens and more or less agrees with me and she talks pretty much and is rather entertaining too.
she's a great pal.
i love her too.

i love my korean drama.
because i don't have to think about the things i hate.
and daft as this sounds, i have another life to live although technically i'm not really living.

and i love being with my family.
no matter how annoying they are or i am, or how awful they make me feel or i make them feel, at the end of the day, they're the ones who are truly with me through everything.

evidently, i hate more things than i love.
which means i'm not in a very peachy mood.

i realised a couple of people have err signed my guestbook and i didn't even know.
anyway okay here goes.

cel: hey yeah thanks heaps for that :) guess its something we all gotta learn to deal with
slow: yeah man we gotta be more considerate! my mother just scolded me on how i was inconsiderate because i didnt call her.. anyway tkcare girliee!
dee: oh hey, yeah he's my dad's cousin but i haven't seen him before. even if i have, i don't remember. yeah seen some of his stuff in magazines and they're great! kinda pricey though.
huiying: GET BETTER SOON BRONCHITIS GIRL!

today proves that i am dumb.
the only paper that i actually worked for, and i'm going to fail.
perhaps thats why subconsciously i don't work so hard, so i'll have an excuse to fall back on. that if i don't do well, i can blame it on the grounds of having not worked hard.
but having worked hard, and not do well, is a hard pill to swallow.
and there's always the other justification for having not performed - carelessness.
i remember what my dad used to say.
if you're careless once, it's fine.
if you're careless ALL THE TIME, it's stupidity because you're plain oblivious to your mistakes.

it's so easy to put such justifications and solutions to intangible problems in words.
but applying it, that's another matter altogether.
i dont KNOW if i'm being careless. i don't know how to be extra careful.
when i think i'm being careful, i end up being careless.
and there's the other matter of studying hard, putting in your best.
that's rather relative isn't it?
i may think i've worked hard, but perhaps its not hard enough.
i may have worked hard in comparison to how much i've slacked before, but it's simply not the best.
but then again, what's the best?

jeezzers.
i need to shop.
and do the things that numb my mind to pressing issues or not so pressing issues.
and on another note, i think this term exam is a living proof of how i need to turn my life around.

eric: yesyes, nice to catch up today and you're right i almost did say i told you so except i went i knew it, because i wouldnt have said i told you so because i had no idea. but for some reason i had a gut feeling. except not in the way you described it because HELLO wrong chronological order. and other things that i'd say, yes. although some things i didn't say, liiiike, i'm a tad bit disappointed in you but knowing me i'll never say that to your face.