i'm so ashamed of my blog.
unlike gab's which is so in-depth and insightful, mine is skimpy and frivolous.
anyway gab, had a nice time reading that one :)

was watching a teensy bit of In the Mood for Love or whatever its called just now, and i've decided there's just something more magical about the olden days, say the sixties.
as much as i love modern technology, i think it has taken the romance and excitement out of life.
imagine - getting together through sms, breaking up through sms, no solid plans but just going to town and calling the other person, yelling down the line "WHERE ARE YOU?"
where is the trust, where is the excitement?!

but in those days, people have real trust in each other.
they make solemn promises, agree to meet at a certain time and at that point of time, they HAVE to meet then and there or it's too late!
which of course, the exciting dramatic stories start kicking in, such as accidents, and the other person has no idea what is going on, and they miss the boat or they miss each other, etc etc.
and of course, the wonderful atmosphere does help.
he he. the dim lighting and dark stairways together with the smudgy mosaic flooring, and all those pretty embroidered chengsams, coiffed hair, darkly drawn eyebrows and red red lipstick.
ha ha but anyway that's tv.
in case you're wondering, i fell asleep halfway during In the Mood for Love.
but i just can't help being attracted to that era, the noisy elegance, the time between the old and the new.

and, my friends think i'm cliche.
that doesn't sound very good. it makes me sound like one happy book with little substance.
just because i like happy endings and i love certain things, doesnt make me cliche.
what's wrong with being cliche.
i like cliche terms actually. i think they make ALOT of sense.

and i digress here, but i really DO NOT see why, movie experts rate movies which are inexplicably hard to understand with no solid plot whatsoever, slowmoving, etcetc good. i DO NOT see why they win awards.
the same goes for poems.
why is it people deem poems which are so hard to understand good?
just because they think they don't understand it, it's a level above them?
that's crap.
in my opinion, i don't see a hoot's worth bout all this 'hidden complexity', the i'm-so-deep-that's-why-you-cannot-comprehend-the-message-i'm-trying-to-send-across.
even if its simple, but if appeals to me, i deem it GOOD :)

okk i know i had some more things to add.. i just can't remember.
i wish i wouldn't end my blog entries in this manner.
i want those people who read more blog, derive satisfaction, almost as though they've completed reading one wonderful essay.
no wonder i don't do well.
i have all these random thoughts running through my head and i just throw them out as they come.
UGH.
nevermind, in aid of my writing and organisation skills, i shall adhere to only ONE topic per entry starting from tomorrow.

new blog layout.
not very nice, but i like all that green :)
haha that's my sister's fish and chips at gasworks park.
ha ha.

hmm went to church today, and i feel much better bout my marks.
i guess there was a reason for me to have such grades.
it brought me closer to God and i guess thats a better trade than good grades so, at least now i understand.

and my parents are real sweet.
they said they want me to pay the 89 dollars to get my english paper reviewed.
even if no amendments are made, they said they know i'll feel better knowing what went wrong with it.
so yeeah!! :)

anyway was reading a REAL good book.
Where the Red Fern Grows by Wilson Rawls. its super good.
its pretty much a children's book, but its just reeeeeeeeeeeeow damn good.
anyway i wanna name my kids ann and dan now :)
haha.
the book's bout hunting hounds.

anyway, i have nothing much to blog bout.
my blog's getting very .. bad.

doing worse than prelims was probably the biggest nightmare i've had in the longest time.
and ohwell i did do worse than prelims.
cried my eyes out, slept and ate.
after that, i stared at my results slip and realised it was pretty funny and ironic.
14 points.
with all the grades swopped around.
my best subjects became my worst, and my worst became my best.
its so funny but so tragic at the same time.
oh good grief.
but you know what?
i don't feel so lousy bout it anymore.
what im thinking about now, is all the changes that's gonna occur in acjc.

plus, i think this damn olevel results is a bloody wakeupcall man.
i should stop skipping lectures and ponning school.
i should WORK PRETTY DAMN HAAAAAAAAARD.
bloody a levels.
stupid o's.
grRrr.

and B3 for ENGLISH!!!!
wAaaah!
i've never gotten a B3 for english in my life! in fact i've never even gotten an A2!
so.. how did this happen?!
STUPID OLEVELS STUPID OLEVELS STUPID OLEVELS.
ohwell.
i guess my english isn't that good :( hurts to think i've been disillusioned all this while.
doesn't help with the sudden fantastic grades in physics, cause i hate physics and it has been my worst subject all.. my life.

hmm.
i guess it just never occured to me that my consistently lousy grades would actually fall upon me during my olevels.
o's always seemed like a dream. it's the point of time, where you've studied all you need to know and all you have to do, is take one much-easier-than-prelims paper, and you somehow wish or take for granted with a teensy part of your heart that your grade would be a good one.
it just never occured to me that i would open my results slip and see a worse-than-prelim grade.
it just never occured to me that all the while, the subjects that were my strongest, would fail me.
it just never occured to me that the subjects i hated the most would produce a's.
it just made me realise, i have to work for my grades.
why?
i hated emath, amath and physics with a vengeance cause i was so bad at it.
and cause i was so bad at it, i worked at it. well for math that is. and it paid off.
physics was just a bloody miracle cause i don't ever remembering working for that.
i guess my brain was just working doubly effectively that day.

but WHY couldn't these effective brain juices work for my other subjects?
like my three best?! english combined and chem?! WHYWHYWHY!
this whole olevel's issue is a why issue.
anyway i shuold stop grouching.
i sound like a real sore scorer.
which i am.
ha ha.
anyway someone help me with the registration please.
are we supposed to do it online? or in school? i have no clue.
and i really hope i don't have to appeal.

i've been blogging pretty irregularly.
and its time for a new layout, except i'm too lazy to make one.

tomorrow, results are out.
i wonder how it will be like.

caught big fish today. pretty good movie :)
a lil abstract but wonderful all the same. ha ha.

i was glad i went for training today.
it doesn't entirely wipe out all my mixed feelings, but it certainly made me feel better.
i don't really feel like going into it today.

pms pangs by the way.

and my mother's quite hiliarious.
mother to my dad: you BITCH! do you know you're a bitch?! you're a man, but you act like a bitchhh!!

i haven't been blogging much lately i realised.
anyway on saturday funorama was pretty good except i worked so damn hard!
mark and i sold hell loads of hotdogs ha ha the dynamic duo :)

party at mark's after and we played drinking goggles.
its reaaaaally fun to see mark high cause hes so damn funny! ha ha it was really the best when mark went "TALK TO THE HAND!" to becky then pressed his hand on his ear like a handphone talking to his hand.
anyway eddie and freddy got real wasted and eddie was one scary guy.
stupid hanyang and jed just HAD to say to eddie, "eddie, lets play a game. the game is FIND SHUMIN'S FEET!"
and i HATE people grabbing my feet!!
so spent the entire night running away from eddie.
so spent the night at becky's house and she's a real violent sleeper.

and, well i really have to apologise to someone here.
pq, i'm REALLY sorry for forgetting your birthday. i didn't mean to and well i'm really sorry :(

ahwell, half day today. had an mg girls outing, me becky fiona and schannie and it was fun. oh christine and weikong joined us.
watched raising victor vargas.. pretty pointless movie i must say.
went window shopping after. spotted nice shoes that i wanna buy!
but think i gotta wait for GOOD olevel results before i'll get some money.

i have such pointless blog entries nowadays.
they're so.. bloody uninspired.

i've been too tired to blog lately.
anyway no school today, helped class paste minigolf papers on sticks while putting golf balls into holes :) very fun.
ha ha.
went mad and spent the whole day singing primary school songs at the top of my lungs.
headed off to town and watched just in time or whatever its called with daniel owen hanyang marklim michie christine and tania. the movie got real draggy so hanyang mark and i sneaked into along came polly and it was pretty damn funny.
loved the ferret or whatever its called.

ugh ate hell loads today, damn full.
was supposed to go jed's hse to play mahjong but no one wanted to go with me, so i didnt go in the end.
and poor dan the man lost his phone..
yeah bummed around lido with mark and dan, and wallace darius derek enjian and alexchua joined us later.
ooh and alexchua has a TIIIIINY waist! its 24 inches and his figure is an hourglass figure!!
like oh man im so jeaaalous!

yeah then the late movie people like becky schan saralow shum mel adam mus matt and peewee joined us.
bummed at scotts food court and ate some more before heading home.
im tired.
i have a long day tomorrow.
funorama then partyyy which im not sure i wanna go.
ohwell :|
time to shower and sleep.
im dead beat.

today was a pretty good day :)
didnt have classes cause we went to Republic Poly to sell tickets.
anyway, some girl in my class called one of them misers cause they wouldnt buy tickets and they came over and scolded us and kept yelling sarcastic comments across the cafeteria.
felt quite embarrassed and guilty though.

anyway me marklim marcthng jamie chee hanyang clement and agus slacked around, talking and eating, and did not sell a single ticket.
ha ha then we cabbed to town and caught cold mountain.
i thought it was pretty allright except it was DAMN slow, but the guys except hanyang hated it.

oh oh, and we tore a woman's skirt!
cause hanyang agus and marcthng decided to stop moving at the bottom of the escalator so the rest of us bumped into them with the moving escalator beneath us and we all screeched and tripped all over.
then as we were leaving, mark and i noticed some woman with her skirt stuck in the escalator.
the guard stopped the escalator and i was trying to help her yank her skirt out when the stupid guard started it again so i fell over the woman.
managed to get her skirt out but there was this huge gaping hole!
i felt so bad :(

anyway, met mark's friend sam and we went to heeren to collect my specs except the bloody shop didnt have it in.. second time!
grr.. unreliable.
anyway since they said it would be in around sixthirty and i had training, mark was nice enough to collect it for me, except the stupid shop didnt have it in until it was past seven!

training was tiring.
but i am what i think i am.
so i LOVE training :)

oh and HAPPY BIRTHDAY IRIS!!!!!

shopping haul was pretty good :)
val's birthday yesterday was good too.
so overall, i'm having a good time.

except for homework.
stupid stupid dratty homework that i don't wanna do.
HATE HOMEWORK.

i didnt get to see gab off :(
and i still have his presents with me.. wahwahwah.
what a wasted trip.
training yesterday was hell.
it wasnt even alot, but the stupid lactic buildup in my legs made it hell.

anyway didnt go to school today.
friday the 13th, valentine's day eve.
should have gone, then i could see how many roses and chocolates i could get:)
but feeling so tired and all the undone hmwk, i really couldnt get my ass to school.

anyway chilled at grandma's, eating and watching tv while the old ladies of the house played mahjong.
then my dad gave me a ride to school for training.
that marked the beginning of my BAD day.
was sitting around talking, ready to get up and go for trg when darius and jin told me that TODAY was the phototaking for those who wanted to apply for the humanities scholarship.
so went running around school, renting a school uniform and blazer and finding the stupid place.
they didnt even give me a proper uniform! they gave me an acsi shirt!!
anyway yeah, then we ended up on the corridor, waiting for the teacher who said he was coming but never did come.
then i went to train for 10 pathetic minutes before going off.
what a bad, useless day.
SIGH :(

tmr is vday.
i wonder what surprises it brings, although i dont think it will.
its gonna be a lonely day for me :(

it occured to me how pathetic the loser looks in court.
i was the loser today by the way.
but watching two people play in court, the weaker player really looks somewhat like a pathetic fool, running around while the stronger opponent teases her with the shots.
it makes me feel all sad and pathetic at the same time, because i know thats exactly what i look like when i lose.

squash pressure is pressing on.
i can feel it.
part of me knows i am a competitive person who HATES to lose.
but the other part knows that i hate animosity. i hate the tension between the teammates just because we are fighting for a position. it's almost like a cut-throat jungle of where the fittest survive. and to know i have to slog, grapple and claw my way to the top just makes me feel so tired.

honestly, sometimes i ask myself what's the competition for?
but when i'm playing and winning and part of a team, i know what i'm competing for.
i'm competing for a taste of sweat, of a fight, and of victory. or in certain cases, bittersweet loss or worse still, shame.

i need the fire back.
i need it back quick.

anyway im gonna fail econs badly.
and today wasn't that great a day in school. was moody and super pissed off in class.
things aren't going the way its supposed to go.
sometimes i think i have fun in school, all the laughter and wisecracks.
but when i go home, sleep and wake up, the realisation that its all just superficiality hits me.
it's just empty.

anyway gab wrote a very nice entry for me in his blog:)
seeing that he is leaving, i shall do likewise.

gabriel AH tan is one guy that i have met for a very short time, but i know he's a true pal. i've only met him mid january when i popped over to his house (he's my neighbour u see, i just never knew) cause of eric and we had a night of ponging and from then on, gab has always been there whenever i need someone's house to go to, or to pong, or to crack me up, or to listen to me or i listen to him.

he's always been one of the nicest to me out of the lot. he understood how i felt when eric left, and he is always very nice to me whenever azad adam and keith bully me.
gabriel is one of the most sensitive guys i've met and despite his scoobydoo exterior, is actually a guy with a heart of gold. he helps me when i'm down, looks out for his friends and is basically one of the sweetest people you'll ever met (although u won't know it when u first meet him).
yeah, he walks me home from his house in the wee hours of the day/night cause eric isn't around to do that and when its raining, he comes with an umbrella. oh and he shares his food with me.
so see, what a bighearted person :)

ha ha. i will miss gab very much. and his house as well.
his house is the best hangout place i've ever seen cause its only a mere walk away, and he has a mahjong table, all the jamming stuff, great tv room (except it doesnt have nice chinese channels) and has foooood!
anyway gab is one VERY talented guy.
i've never met someone who could write, sing and play and yet be some soccer star.. so there you have it.
he's also MAHJONG CAPTAAAAIN AYEEE.. superpro at mahjong. slide here slide there, win damn alot of money. ha ha.
one great catch yeah?
not only that.. he's got a super faithful and loyal heart, and though i think him foolish sometimes, i can understand why.
so anyway, while you're there in australia, please remember ur neighbour and ponging pal and HALF jamming pal?
ha ha.. thanks for everything gab.

i have an econs test tomorrow and i'm gonna FAAAAAIIL!
yaaaargh.

anyway today was a pretty fun day.
i love mondays.
cause there's chapel, and the day is just so damn slack and i get to end early :)

anyway today was a pretty fun day.
didn't do anything much in school, found out more people have joined my antiF club.
but however, finding out more people are joining it, is making me feel incredibly GUILTY.
i'm not saying that she doesn't deserve it, but i think i should stop bitching.
its really making me feel bad.
so yeah i shall make a conscious effort to stop telling her funny stories. ha ha ha.

anyway tried studying econs today with michgoh, puifun, tania, sarahann, daniel, eugenewee and hanyang. together with some of the waterpolo people but they had to leave cause they had polo.
anyway it was pretty damn funny cause we got really tired of studying and took spastic photos before hanging out by the heritage cafe window.
ha ha which REALLY cracked me up cause everytime the sailors ran past, eugene would yell "SAILORBOY86!" before ducking down. and then we started pushing up the window and yelling at the netballers and whoever else we knew.

so it was a pretty fun and relaxing day.
the ONLY fun and relaxing day i have in the week i guess.
cause tomorrow is gonna be shit cause of the math test PLUS i have training (which im strangely looking forward to) and wednesday there's mass pe and a friendly with mg (i'm veryVERRRY happy cause i can see the mg team agaaaain!) and thursday is SHITTIFIED day cause of the horrible schedule plus training (dont know if im looking fwd to that yet) and friday is just ACK lar, except for the prospect and hope of knowing its a saturday the next day, so that will undoubtedly cheer me up on friday :)

i am so lame.
this is a DAMN lame post.
ohh.. and michie LOVES sparrows :)

and here is soundbite of the day.
daniel: how do you read blogs?

HA HA HA.

guilt is such a powerful emotion.
you can either make someone feel guilty and feel the somewhat malicious power beneath you or be guilt-ridden and be under someone's power.

personally, i hate guilt. i think its indespicable. isn't it cruel and manipulative to make someone feel so guilty that they'll do something not out of will but cause of pressure. but at the same time, to be feeling guilty just depletes you to pathetic

i have no idea. but somehow my perspectives and views on many things have changed.
i don't really know people at all.
everything's so false, and everything's so complex.
this is so damn strange lar.

anyway had a really good time at lips today. slept for about an hour on the table before having a really nice chat with becky fiona christine shirah michelle loh and alex.

so that was good :)

i am sick and i haven't gone for training in a week.
i am feeling very very guilty.

i miss mg training.
but ac's training isn't too bad.

i should start training HARD.
like next week.
when i start training again that is.

and anyway, i love this song.

Sarah McClachlan - When Somebody Loved Me

When somebody loved me
Everything was beautiful
Every hour spent together
Lives within my heart

And when she was sad
I was there to dry her tears
And when she was happy so was I
When she loved me

Through the summer and the fall
We had each other that was all
Just she and I together
Like it was meant to be

And when she was lonely
I was there to comfort her
And I knew that she loved me

So the years went by
I stayed the same
And she began to drift away
I was left alone
Still I waited for the day
When she'd say "I will always love you"

Lonely and forgotten
Never thought she'd look my way
And she smiled at me and held me
Just like she used to do
Like she loved me
When she loved me

When somebody loved me
Everything was beautiful
Every hour spent together
Lives within my heart

When she loved me..

sometimes i really wonder why do i get teased all the time.
its been apparant since primary school, all the way to secondary school, and its even evident now. is it my face? or what i say or am i just so damn stupid its so fun to tease.

i dont think i really mind people teasing me cause i've got a pretty high tolerance level for that. but sometimes, it just makes me wonder, am i really just that to people? a jackass? a punching bag? i'd really like to believe i'm more that just that.

it's just got me wondering and thinking whether my self worth is really that little. do people just see me as a joke? something to laugh at, make fun of. it doesnt make me feel like a real person. more like a clown. i guess everyone wants to feel like a real person, with real feelings and real humanitarian qualities. but lately, i really feel like a mechanical clown.

yes, like wind me up, laugh laugh laugh, and all i have to do is laugh laugh laugh and when the fun is over lets stop. then the next day its the same thing happening all over..

and thanks gab. yes you are the nicest to me out of the lot. i shall you treat you better than the rest.

im sick.
urgh i feel like shit
ooh i don't have to go to school tomorrow.

got made fun of all day.
i am not happy.

i had the worst fight with my parents all year, but strangely, it had the least consequences and was the fastest make-up fight ever had.
but it really sucked while the fight was raging on cause we were in town and i was sobbing away and having a not so friendly discussion with my parents.
but in a way, i'm grateful for the fight.
it made me realise certain things and at the same time, i think my parents have a rough idea of how i'm feeling.

i've had very little sleep.
yesterday was pigout day. met karen michgoh gab keith and adam and i happily had my dosage of ice cream (i don't see why everyone likes ben and jerrys cause i think haagan dazs is WAY better) and then a pepperoni cheese dog.
went home with gab, but realised i was locked out so trooped over to his house and bummed around before we met michelle (hear bout her transportation hell in her blog) and went back to play mahjong. then we shared a pizza and had gab's chicken soup.
cabbed down to lesley's house and devoured chips and greentea and chocolate and instant noodles.
urgh.
but it was fun staying over anyhow :)

had a really nice long talk with ta.
i think ta is one friend i can not talk to for a long time, but yet when we see each other, we still have lots to say and we'll always trust each other.
and i'm really glad that i have a friend like ta despite all the shit we had in the past.
but anyway ta, i APPRECIATE YOU! hahaha.

i know i had smth serious to blog about.. but i really can't be bothered to go into it.

since lesley is leaving tmr, i shall write a tribute to her.

lesley has been a real pal. i've known her since primary school but we were never close til early sec3. and since then, we've never officially quarelled, but we have gotten annoyed at each other, but no matter what, lesley is a true friend.

she's just about the most frank and honest person i know, and though it borders on being blunt, i still appreciate lesley for that because i know i can count on her for giving solid advice and showing me what i've done wrong.

i'll never forget how retarded lesley is. she comes up with weird funny words like 'woot' and her pet phrase "this is so amusing". everything's so "amusing" to lesley. ha ha ha. lesley is also the sportiest person i know man. netball, swimming, golf and she's so bloody sports inclined.

but on to more personal things, i really thank lesley for helping me in my walk with Christ.
she has always been there for me :) most of the time that is.






helloee! since shumin guestblogged on my blog i shall guestblog on hers too.
we are currently sitting here looking at gabtans phone and laughing at it.
eh feelers don't be like that la!
hahahhah
sorry karen.
okay okay we have to go now. even though shumin's butt is practically glued to her seat.
can we please go!
okay shumin says yes
and shes trying to push the blame to me
I RESENT THAT>
okay then bye shumin's blog