i am heyheey tired.
and muddy.
some stupid idiot tripped me while running.
anyway, i'm such an unfit loser. had to walk cause i was feeling tired.
its at times like these, i'm not proud to proclaim that i'm a squashie.

anyway, had no swimming pe today!
and i'm quite happy for the sunny weather, despite having to run, because i figured if it rains like hell, we'll have to leave our bags in puddles of water and that's just plain disgusting.
i think i should get a bag like jed's.
it's made of the plastic material and its huuuge!
how useful.

and.. i know i had more things to say but i just can't recall.
anyway real tired right now
think i may be meeting lesley later.
veryvery tired though.

this is daaaaamn lame man.
i'm sucha lame blogger.

ok lets call this person F.
i used to not like F cause of personal reasons, but now i think the reasons for not liking F are founded.
F is so dao and vacant looking, like becky puts it, "she's afraid if she thinks about something else other than breathing, she'll stop breathing". and basically, F looks you up and down as though you are dieseased and she's so rude, she doesn't say a WORD to you. not even hello. but in the presence of the opposite sex, her mouth seems to be able to work all of a sudden.
what a... ugh.

anyway..
i'm off.
i am tired.

pms pangs have hit again.
at least that's what i think, cause today is the lowest i've felt all year. i think i even felt a twinge of the 'sec3depressionthing' and it scared me to bits because now that i've escaped all that nasty hurt and constricting pain, it seems like a dream (a bad one mindyou) and i have no desire to feel that way ever again.

highly irritated with my class i wanna transfer OUT!!
got into major trouble today. guess its our fault.
but.. back on to my class.. i think they're all incredibly nice people, but i just don't feel on the same wavelength as them. i have nothing to say and its tiring having a guard up all the time.

i think this is what i fear.
i fear loneliness.
alot. i fear insecurity.
i fear..
this is so stupid. i can't even construct intelligent sounding sentences. im in a real bad mood.
the best part of today was training. imagine that.
but i think i'm starting to enjoy training again. its a really good medium for release.
now i know why i trained so hard in the past.
its cause when im training i dont have to concentrate on anything else other then whatever i'm doing. and after working up a good sweat, i feel pretty good.

anyway heres a soundbite, i think most people are diametrically opposed.
except when it comes to weight.
i dont feel like going into it cause its gonna trigger all those argumentative and conflicting comments in the guestbook which feel inclined to answer, knowing full well i don't have a good one too.
so i'll leave it as that.
PEOPLE ARE DIAMETRICALLY OPPOSED.
go figure what i mean.
i can't be bothered to tell you.

today is so tiring.
but pe was not as bad as i'd expected.
stayed in school for three hours cause of the bloody rain.
then had 'dinner' at bk and..

ohwell im not in the mood to blog anyway.
feeling down..
and like adam puts it.. "when shumin is sad, she talks to the computer.."
and.. now that he puts it like that..
it cracks me up
HAHAHA.
okay this is dumb.

anyway bye.

haha lesley no, nothing wrong with being matchmaker. just that i suddenly feel so.. unhappening laaaaay!

haha shit i sound like sucha bloody ahlian.
and stewpid RVBs are wearing mg uniforms. GAAH!
can't figure both of them out lar cause they look the same.
the same sweaty look.
ha ha ha.

anyway i think i came back cause i had something to say.
oh yes that is, TO EVERYONE WHO READS THIS, if you know me, please sign the guestbook. cause i actually wanna know who reads this shit and yeah. so yar SIGN PLEASE.

maybe i should get a tagboard.
but.. i dunno theres just smth about a tagboard i don't like.

and 3 posts in a day.
i really have nothing better to do.
oh wait. homework.

i'm starting to feel invisible.
if not invisible, then i'm starting to feel like a highly unattractive person.
cause lately, it seems as though i'm slipping into the role of a bloody matchmaker.
or perhaps a love helpline.
not that i mind, its just that.. arent matchmakers usually ugly and.. unmarried?
ugh.
okay just doesn't feel like anything exciting is happening in my life while others are so.. happening.
okay lame post right now.

today's a tiring day.
i have a slack schedule today, but i'm just very tired, considering for the last three days, i clocked a total of ten hours of sleep.
and i've been feeling very hungry lately, think i put on the weight that i lost.
ha ha.
okay nevermind.
tmr i shall try to control a wee bit.

i have homework. ARGH.
math and lit and.. goodness knows whatelse.
okay looks like i won't be going online tonight :|
i AM TIRED and i want to stop feeling hungry.
ok i'm off to take a nap.

eric's gone..
and i was too tired this morning to actually feel anything other than numb.
and now after i've had close to six hours of sleep, the feeling's finally kicking in and i feel like crying.
its just that very unsettling loneliness in that pit of your stomach.
and, well i know he's coming back, and i know he'll go online and stuff, but its the fact that you know, they're how many gabillion miles away, living a different life, having different friends, the risk of drifting apart cause experiences are so different.

anyway, in a way, i'm glad that the people that really mattered came to send eric off.
i guess if i were going away, i'd want them to send me off. and i could really feel the air of friendship and for that i'm glad for eric.
at least he left, knowing his friends will always be there for him.

and soon, all my other friends would leave.
and i'd never fully understand what they're feeling inside, but just wanna tell them that no matter what, it's eventual that life will have to change, but i guess it is really how you face up to it, and hold on to the people that matter, at the same time letting go of certain things, and facing everything anew.
easier said than done.
but just wanna tell them, no matter how lonely they feel where ever they are, just remember that their friends here in singapore are remembering and missing them.

haha and gab, i know you read this, so.. yeah i guess you're feeling a little down about it all, but chin up okay? everyone's gotta face up to certain things and i know you can lar. so yeah.

haha anyway, ok should i mention my day?
urgh i sound damn spastic but wth.
ok anyway, went gab's house and by the time i got there after dinner, they all roughly knew how to play, but one thing's for sure, they're not as fast as eric owen and agus. haha.
anyway the night slugged on, with music and all until gab's g-ma (??) scolded.
then some of them left so gab and i settled to write eric's song while adam moonwalked around and made up lousy stuff like "shumin looks like a smurf and likes to surf on other people's turf". didnt really manage to complete the song.
so stayed up watched lousy tv, watched adam err .. sleepwalk and went abit crazy due to loss of sleep.
went home, changed, got in a cab and went to see eric off.. and..
yeap.

i realised putting whatever i wrote at the top and whatever i did in the day in one post is just incongruous. it looks plain.. weird.
okay anyway i'm off.

today is an incredibly wet and rainy day.
i think it only stopped raining enough for me to walk over to gab's house and before i knew it, the skies were pouring rain again.
today's mahjong session was a complete washout.
the only people from the pongpongpongs who were there were me and gab.
eric can't be blamed cause he's in msia, but ohwell :|

then we were supposed to take karen adam keith and azad under our tutelage but it was a complete washout as well. i think when i go to gab's house later, i'd wanna jam :)
gab has a really really good acoustic or plugin or whatever you call it. haha i actually sound pretty good when i play it! i guess its cause its really easy to barr and it sounds nice.
ohwell i wouldnt know cause i'm no guitar pro but it actually feels good when we jam! haha cause azad is pretty good and so's gab so i'll just strum or pluck some crap and they do all the fill ins, and it sounds pretty damn good!
to my ears at least:) which don't particuarly count in anyone's eyes, but to me, they count pretty much.

anyway, just as i promised, i have to write a tribute to eric.
he's leaving tomorrow :(

anyway, here's to eric chang kuang fu, the bestest friend in the whole wide world.

dear eric,

thank you SO MUCH for being the bestest pal. i know we don't always see eye to eye, and we always fight, but i'm glad that at the end of it, you and i always understand each other's good intentions which sparked off the fight because well, we're bestbuddies:)

anyway, i'll never forget the way you've stood by me, through my tantrums, insecurities and everything good and bad, cause well yes, like you said, i am a rather difficult person and thanks for tolerating (most of the time anyway) it.

you always make me feel better about myself whenever i'm sad, although you can get mighty blunt sometimes and end up not making me feel better, but well, we are frank people so i forgive you.

and basically being the best buddy in the whole world.
for making me less bored during boring movies by talking, for walking me home from gab's house cause i don't dare walk by myself, for buying me lunch/movies whatsoever, for staying up til 12345 talking to me, being the GREATEST PONGPONGPONG TREASURER, and for ponging with me, and i could go on, and just being the one i can pour out everything to.

in a way, i think you made me clearer of who i am and what i stand for. although i don't agree with all the things you do and don't appear as though you're listening, i know you do, and you're taking it all into consideration, and for that i THANK YOU VERY MUCH, cause my opinion feels valued. ha ha ha.

anyway bestfriend, if ur reading this, remember to cry okay?
haha just kidding lar.
pongster chang, you are the best you hear??!
and don't let anyone/anything in aussie get you down, because inside, you are one terrific person and if you have no friends (im sure you will) there, just remember, you have tons of them back here in spore/truly asia and to hell with those people. but anyway, i'm sure you'll have friends cause my bestfriend DAMN COOL LAR! haha.
miss us badly, but not too badly, cause i want you to have a good time there.
we'll miss you badly, but not too badly, cause we want to actually live on.
haha but anyway, just don't forget me, i won't forget you, be good and i'll be good too, and call often, mail often, come back often blahblahblah.

okay anyway. loveya bestfriend you take care i'll see you tmr. and it wont be the last time.
actually, i think most of this is going into the letter i'm writing you.. so if you seem to see it twice, its probably cause i lack inspiration.
haha.

ok today was allright.
won tenbucks from mahjonging with my relatives.
haha its pretty good considering what bloody experienced experts they are.

anyway as usual, chinese new year is an ultra boring affair cause i've the teensy number of relatives i have. but anyway, it was nice dressing up and collecting [few] angpaos.

i don't want this holiday to end.
but yet, i want the visiting to stop.
cause its just too damn tiring and S I A N .

anyway the very belated pics from new year's eve are up.
look under new year's eve.

reading some things is making me feel all strange and weird inside.
a very foreign feeling i must say.
almost as though i'm reading about someone else, cause they're portrayed in a different light kinda?
but yet there's something else and i don't know what it is, but its pissass irritating.
and some other issues as well.
issues i've been dealing with practically all my life but just never said so, cause saying it out loud just makes it almost tangibly clear which i..

ok i have no idea what im saying.
screw this damn thing.
i should sleep.

i went to some old folks/nursing home today to pick up my unmarried grandaunt and what really struck me were the nurses. you could practically see the kindness and joy of helping on their faces and hear the compassion oozing from their voices.

and to be perfectly honest, i can't ever imagine myself stuck in a nursing home. there's that slightly sour smell, a mixture of the old and whatever mushed up food they're eating; and there are the old folks, some nicer and friendlier than others, but most of them have eyes glazed over and empty stares. they dribble food on their clothes and stutter when they speak. they basically seem like overgrown babies which aren't the least bit cute.

i don't think i can stand the smell, and i don't think i have the patience to care for these old folks. so i really admire them. the way they wave and make lovely small chat with all the old people. you can really feel the love.

haha anyway, it's another boring chinese new year cause i have so darned few relatives. so anyway it was mahjong time again, and just as i'd expected, i lost. not surprising considering i was playing with all the bloody experts.

anyway, hopefully tmr's mahjong will be better.
i don't even give a hoot about angpao cause there are so few relatives ANYWAY.

didnt go to school today.
i slept at four and was seriously damn shagged.

had a long talk with my parents about my future in the car today. i guess in my head i know the importance of doing well in jc, of how an education is basically the key to a better future, but i just can't seem to kick my brain into gear and start studying.

and then i was thinking about my future, about going overseas and all the monetary problems and it just seems so insecure and unsure. my dad retired four years early cause of his health and it makes me terrified that i may not have the wide options of a future like my sister did.

and all these signs make me feel as though i should mature faster, actually mug like a mad bugger, shop less and do everything necessary to make my future brighter. and of course my dad told me that he had enough for my education and still live comfortably but its the present thats making me sick.

the present: studying in jc. living in jc.

argh you get the picture.
i was pretty proud of the way i remained stoic and fairly unchanged upon entering jc, but its not making my inner struggle with myself and peer pressure and all that any easier. i just keep reminding myself, this is who i am, and i have to come to terms with myself, my capabilities and basically not bend my principles.
plus there are all these changes with studies and work and its just busting my brain.
after a month of not having socialised (?!) with numbers and whathaveyou, im having a terrible time in math.
econs is just so foreign (but i don't hate it yet) and my chinese teacher's a BIAAATCH.

but of course i'll have to say that i'm incredibly thankful for my class and the fact that the teachers (other than laoshi) aren't all that bitchy although i wouldnt put them on the top of my sincerity list.
but nice as my class in, i don't feel the warm loyalty i felt with my good old mg friends.
and that rears up a wall around me. i don't feel very natural or at ease.

but again, isn't that inevitable anywhere else?
anyway i'm off.

i love this song.

Randy Newman - You've Got a Friend in Me

You've got a friend in me
You've got a friend in me
When the road looks rough ahead
And you're miles and miles from your nice warm bed
You just remember what your old pal said
Boy, you've got a friend in me
Yeah, you've got a friend in me

You've got a friend in me
You've got a friend in me
You got troubles
And I got them too
There isn't anything
I wouldn't do for you
We stick together, we can see it through
Cause you've got a friend in me
You've got a friend in me

Some other folks might be a little bit smarter than I am
Bigger and stronger too
Maybe
But none of them
Will ever love you
The way I do
It's me and you, boy

And as the years go by,
Our friendship will never die
You're gonna see it's our destiny
You've got a friend in me
You've got a friend in me
You've got a friend in me

how sweeeet eh :)

contrary to what michelle signed.. i did oversleep.
AHH.
first time i've overslept on a train.
haha ohwell guess there's a first to everything.

sometimes i wonder what its like to be in a relationship once again. when my friends pour all their problems on me, part of me feels like i'm real fortunate to not have this myriad of complexities upon my shoulders, but at the same time, part of me feels like i'm missing out.
but i know at the end of the day, i'm really not ready for that rollercoaster ride of emotional turmoil.

but sometimes i feel, its still nice to know there's someone special beside you, someone who makes you feel extra beautiful, lovely and basically like someone who's loved.

and i sound like a real pissass now..
so BYEBYE.

new layout.
this is for eric chang kuang fu, bestest friend in the whole wide world :)

slept almost my whole day away.
then i met eric gab and owen for dinner.
teppenyaki beef wasn't that great and it was rather hot.. anyway had ice cream then we cabbed back to gab's house

haha my new cca :) mahjong cca.
didnt have much luck today unfortunately.
so after a while wenhao came, then agus came.

today is probably the last time i'm gonna see eric.
and the mahjong fever today was an anticlimax.
but it felt pretty good chilling.

hmm, my best friend's going away.
it seems as though my entire life is rearranging. my school has changed, i cant join the sicc gang again, and my best friend will be leaving.
its time to get out of my comfort zone i believe.
forced to get out, is a more appropriate description.

anyway the mahjong gang pics are up!

oh and here's another thing..
i think i need to do some self analysis and correction.

i have to stop being so totally myself.
i have to learn some social etiquette.
for example, quit being so bloody blunt and speaking my mind.
i think that's top of the list.
i have to try and be sweeter, nicer and more.. understanding.

no one likes someone with an acid tongue.
although i dont think i have one.
but i've just got to quit telling people exactly what i think about them.

anyway i'm tired.
sleep.
time.

today is KILLER day.
ran 8 rounds for pe cause i didnt go swimming today, then for training i had to jog three rounds and sprint three rounds.

anyway met eric, wenhao, gabtan and owen for dinner at the heritage cafe. then we cabbed down to gab's house and mahjonged again :)
haha my mahjong kakis will be gone soon though.. so will the place, cause gab is leaving.
waaaaah.

yeah taught owen how to play mahjong today.
HES ADDICTED TOO!
anyway hopefully tmr.. or later more like, we can all adjourn to gab's house again for another session.
yeah anyway they drank, urgh, and started messingup and went damn slowly and i dunno what im saying.. then they walked me home and blahblahblah

IAMDAMNTIRED.
bye.

school is draining me out.
anyway today was early day! its so rare that we end early, today almost felt like a holiday.
anyway had lunch with joan karen cass jamie and hanyang and eric and some people i dont know and gabtan and wenhao and titus and.. ok i cant remember all who were there but it was really great seeing joan and hanging out with the mg girls again.

when i'm with them, they remind of who i really am.
its almost as though in school i'm someone else, with a different set of people, living a different life.
but with my mg friends, i feel comfortable and real again.
and.. i miss mgs HELL LOT.

anyway eric is leaving very soon.
seeing him today made me realise that.
muahaha nearer the date i shall write eric a tribute.

anyway ian: THANKS FOR THE SIGN!

it is SO hard to write about myself.
especially to a teacher.
so perhaps i shall write about myself in my blog. and perhaps make it better sounding and well formulated and hand it in to my teacher.

i am sixteen and your typical deranged teenager (what a horrible, uncreative way to start an essay!). i am the youngest in a family of four and i'm a myriad of complexities.

contrary to what people believe, the youngest child is not spoilt or over-pampered. having an older sister has made me a bundle of insecurities. especially having a taller, slimmer, prettier and smarter older sister who's so considerate and sweet, i sometimes wish she'd been born a little less perfect. so i, being born as a defect, am not arrogant or conceited, believing i am the one and only princess who's the center of the universe. plainly because i am constantly being compared to an ideal model of a perfect daughter. i lack whatever physical beauty a girl should possess, because i am not very pretty and i have a layer of fat around my waist and thunder thighs. i am lacking in the area of social skills and etiquette, because as a girl, i eat too much (explains the fat around my waist and thunder thighs), laugh too loud, talk too much and i do not have a gentle voice with the ability to pour out honeyed words.

i appear confident and outgoing in public because nothing depresses another person (or irritate for that matter) more than an insecure person who's bugging the other about their shortcomings. however, only with my close and loved ones, does the real world kick in, and my cocoon of false confidence is peeled away to reveal my insecurities.

lest you think i am a person with zero confidence and an incurable insecurity complex, i do believe i have many strong points. i like to believe i am a capable leader and genuinely nice person. and though i don't think i'm too good at it, a tiny part of me believes i can write fairly well :) (ok i know no smileys allowed in an essay but..) i am full of laughter and energy, diving into whatever i take part in with enthusiasm.

i'm too lazy to continue with this dumb thing..
GAAAAAAH.
i told a lie today.
i told my mother i've finished my homework.
i haven't.

byebye hair..

fiona's blog makes me jealous.
she uses words like supercicious and villifying and i have no clue what they mean.
today was too long to blog.

im just glad i met up with ta and fiona.
havent seen ta in ages and i hardly catch up with fifz cause shes in science.
was great catching up with you two!

its just so strange.
im starting to like my class, but i hardly see any of my mg friends and i miss some of them pretty much. but yet, nothing much really does seem real or genuine.

i'm still suffering from lonely free periods but i've decided hanging out in the library by myself isnt so bad once i actually get some work so i can do it during free periods.
and i lost my specs.
third pair gone in a year.
this current one is only a month and a half old.
and its gone.

its time to change my blog layout.
but im all out of ideas. and jc life is sapping every ounce of my energy.
after school, i just dont seem to have the strength to do anything except bum, much less blog because i'm too braindead to come up with something coherant.

physical training today. ran 2.4
i'm sucha slowpoke.

feeling melancholy now.
all reflective with that little ache in your heart because you wonder what the hell is going on.
okay i sound like pretentious you-know-who here, but nothing seems real anymore.
jc is so different, but yet i don't feel hurried. it just seems like a misty haze i'm walking through, living but not really seeing it.
i'm definitely out of my comfort zone, and i don't know what/who to turn to for solace anymore.
squash used to be such a great medium for release; but now that my interest is starting to ebb (not to mention fitness going downdowndown), it doesn't seem effective.

eric's leaving soon.
i think i'll miss my bestfriend real bad.

i don't know what to blog about.
i've been having spates of writer's block. oh yes, there are tons of things and notions and feelings going round and round in my head, but i don't have the energy (or time?! or whatever it is) to actually formulate it into tangible words.
and.. AIIYAH i dunno.
this is lame. honest.

i'll write again when i have smth substantial to write about.
byebye.

i don't know what to say there are so many things i want to say but i don't know how to say it and..
hAiiii.

i am starting to realise what my sister means about the jc vibe.
and i mean that in a bad way.
but lets not go into it, because i kinda expected it, except i can fully understand what she means now.

today was want-to-wach-schoolofrock-but-didn't-get-to day.
met fiona christine and shirah, tried to get tickets at cine AND lido to no avail. then we paid for stupid expensive drinks (seriously.. i could have spent that extra four bucks on food or smth) and waited aimlessly till six before shirah, christine and i met our og.

then it was a serious long search and wait for a place that actually could sit all of us. so we ended up at the foodcourt, after much waiting for empty tables. then we wanted to watch school of rock but again no tickets at ps and no tickets at marina either. yaarghhhH!
ok, so we had a long walk to fullerton hotel, where we sat down and talked and talked, or mostly listened to the guys' school stories. after listening to their stories, it actually strikes me that mgs is rather tame in comparison. or maybe girls' schools are just milder because we don't play nasty pranks.

everything bout jc seems rather foreign.
im getting a little apprehensive.
read my horoscope (i know im not supposed to believe in it, but its fun) and it says i've got a good year ahead.
well.. i certainly HOPE SO.

oh and fiona.. ur blog sounds very angry.. so cheerup :) you still have me as a friend always. SHOPPING soon!

oh today went pretty well i thought :)
five mg girls in my orientation group.. how cliquish.
haha but made adjustments easier i suppose. abi's my ogl! haha helps having someone i know as my ogl as well
and the people in my group are awfully friendly so.. i had quite a nice time.

but the teachers.. ok lets not go into it
lets just say some are nicer than others.

first day of school, or more accurately, jc tomorrow.
i'm starting to get a wee bit excited.
but more scared than anything.
ohwell hope it goes well.
so.. cross my fingers!