I'm doing this thing where I sit and imagine clicking on my grades four months later and see four beaming sixes, whereby I'll shriek in response and call my mother immediately to have her say she is so proud of me. I think it's called visualisation. Actually, I do that every semester but it's never happened. But I'm not about to let that deter me because maturity has to slap me in the face sometime soon, so that glorious moment will have to come someday, right? Right.

Speaking of maturity slapping me in the face, the ways of a godly woman as taught in the Bible have been haunting me of late.

"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight."
1 Peter 3:3-4

What does it mean to have a gentle and quiet spirit?? And the more I look at myself of late, I couldn't be further from possessing a gentle and quiet spirit. My feathers are so easily ruffled, I'm disposed to bouts of jealousy, I am too concerned with outward appearances... and that's merely skimming the top of an entire boiling pot of faults and shortcomings! I can't help envisioning a glowingly serene madonna radiating bursts of white light and gossamer, ethereal and untouchable. And it's discouraging, stabs of woe in my delicate bubble of an ego.

The image drawn is quite laughable, because it is this very image that shows me how little and immature I am, struggling to find slivers of satisfaction in myself by standards of the world. And perhaps, even worse, plucking out bits of what the Bible says and distorting it to the narrow worldview. Because when I first read those words, I thought, Oh God, I am neither quiet nor gentle! I talk and laugh too loud and crack stupid jokes and make stupid faces and punch people in the arm!

It's really humbling knowing that I am far from the woman God has prepared me to be (and that I do not know what it means exactly to possess a gentle and quiet spirit!), but so reassuring to know that He is grooming and growing me each day to be that very woman (and will teach me in time what that means!). So in the meantime, I would really like to know what it means to possess a gentle and quiet spirit because I can't help but feel that me being easily swayed by her emotions, is like a tornado on the inside.

On a complete off-tangent, I really miss playing squash and being part of a team. I think the entire 'visualisation' exercise sparked it off.

The cold and rain are back. I knew it when I couldn't get out of bed this morning, missing the first morning lecture of the semester. It goes right up there with one of the best things I love: snuggling in bed when it's cold and grey outside, the rain drumming you into sweet toasty slumber. The things I don't love about the rain and cold are aching joints and muddy feet, of which, today, I experienced both. Somehow watching the rain from inside is ten times more beautiful than watching it while you're outside. It's hard to see with raindrops in your eyes and umbrellas in your face, the muddy grass stains on the back of your legs clouding your mind's eye.

We watched Juno yesterday. I love the soundtrack, I've had the songs on repeat all night. I like movies which look like a picture book of songs, coloured with old refrigerators and worn off beat band posters. This, is definitely my favourite part of the movie. The scene where Juno confesses her love and the scene where Bleek goes to look for her in the hospital probably comes a very very close second. There's something I prefer about awkwardly sweet and comfortable love over the whirlwind romantic dream. The next time I fall in love, I want it to be like mixtapes, ham&cheese toasties and heads on bellies.

You’re a part time lover and a full time friend
The monkey on your back is the latest trend
I don’t see what anyone can see,
In anyone else but you

Here is the church and here is the steeple
We sure are cute for two ugly people
I don’t see what anyone can see,
In anyone else but you

We both have shiny happy fits of rage
I want more fans, you want more stage
I don’t see what anyone can see,
In anyone else but you

You are always trying to keep it real
I’m in love with how you feel
I don’t see what anyone can see,
In anyone else but you

I kiss you on the brain in the shadow of a train
I kiss you all starry eyed, my body’s swinging from side to side
I don’t see what anyone can see,
In anyone else but you

The pebbles forgive me, the trees forgive me
So why can’t, you forgive me?
I don’t see what anyone can see,
In anyone else but you

Du du du du du du du du
Du du du du du du du du

I don’t see what anyone can see,
In anyone else but you

It was absolutely scorching and burrrrrning today. 36 degrees out without a cloud in the sky and I spent most of it scuttling from one place to another (most places included direct sunlight and no a/c) and stupidly forgot my sunnies. I carried a bottle of iced water with me all day for hydration purposes and in two hours, my water was... warm. I took the CityCat to New Farm Park today and it reminded me all over again why I loathe taking the CityCat: the severe lack of ventilation and the slow heavy chug of the bobbing boat which weighs your chest down in a stifling prickle. On my way back I gave up and got off at the city so I could take a nice, air-conditioned ride back home.

Despite the weather, the barbeque at New Farm Park was fun. It was nice seeing the old church people again over a sausage sizzle; warm, welcoming and nostalgic. And it gave me a good excuse to take pictures which included colour, like the green grass and blue sky, so I can start collecting happy snappy pictures :)

Anyway, that's me all covered in filmy moisture and hair hanging in awful sweaty clumps. David looks okay though, acting all cool with his reflective sunnies and little smirk.

That's Raj and Daryl aka Bob all matchymatchy in stripey shirts. Singapore represent!

That's the green grass and blue sky I was talking about. And I wasn't exaggerating about the cloudless sky. There really isn't a single cotton candy puff drifting around.

Stewwwpid faces. I was very amused because while taking this picture I had Michelle's warm, rotting bunch of bananas in a plastic bag on my lap. She reckons they were beginning to overripe and rot because of the heat.

We had our firrrrrrrst, ever YF St Lucia social tonight! Movie Night! Not that many people but a nice quiet evening watching Ratatouille over an enormous bowl of popcorn and chips and three boxes of pizza. It was also sometime in the aftermath of tonight's event that got me thinking and reflecting about how I've been starting to let it be all about me instead of all about Him over the course of learning how to be a good ambassador of Christ :( That His glory is best shown in my weakness and so all the more I ought to boast of my weaknesses and let His glory be shown!

Anyway that's (oops I forgot his name!) with our enormous bowl of microwave popcorn!

Taiki making himself comfortable. He made FIRST grab for the slouchy couch.

The last few days were peppered with activity: catchups, lunches, heart to hearts and the like. Hilda and I decided that we always do the same old things everytime we go out that we're being jaded and colourless. So we planned a whole list of things we can do the next time we're out! And lots of them include us resting our bums but only in very different places. Okay, I don't know why but there's something about a hot steaming plate of pasta and a fizzy drink which makes me so satisfied. Like my pink tiro :)

This is what I mean about us resting our bums most of the time but only in different places. We hid in one corner of Borders armed with four magazines and freeloaded off Borders until it was time for Definitely, Maybe. Speaking of which, I thought it was pleasantly enjoyable. It's the sort of movie that's peppered with quotes you want to remember which is one of the best things about movies. I love how how certain things strike a chord with you, expressed so plainly and eloquently that there isn't a need for you to say a single word.

Then sometime along the week was a late-night supper at Maccas where four of us demolished 36 chicken nuggets. I <3 chicken nuggets!!!!

I think this was Friday. Friday felt quite perfect: a smooth driving lesson, Meishan coming over for heart to hearts and eating expensve sandwiches, and Poker Night at Angie's where we demolished a mountain of food, played cards and watched Bring It On! It's one of those embarrassing confessions but I secretly love that movie. I felt tears stinging my eyes a couple of times during the movie because school competition has that annoying way of clutching my schoolgirl heart and pricking the tears out of it. It was like that time when AC was losing to HC in some waterpolo game and I teared. There's not even a need for me to talk about the tears shed in squash here.



I've been really exhausted this week commuting from one place to another by bus and foot, constantly heading out and heading back in the insufferably warm weather. It doesn't help that I can't spend more than three hours out before I start smelling like a schoolboy, moisture clinging to my skin like film. It doesn't really help that I am suffering from insomnia! I clocked a grand total of nine out of 48 hours in the last two days and despite being out all day, I am still not sleepy! Help help help.

This is a really long post with lots and lots of pictures. Hmm, you know what I really want? I want my heart to be so moved by God's love that in every step I take it is aaaaaaalll about loving God and His people. That selfish ambition, pride, fear and every other little thing is pushed aside, and my heart will be made pure, like Jesus' :) Because it is sooooo hard and I find myself struggling with this every single day: envy, inadequacy, fear.... Change my heart, I pray!

Sometimes I wish a real, concrete, emotional blow would hit me straight up in the heart, just so I can feel human again. I cry, I weep, I wail, I laugh, I smile, I swallow; but all for half-baked reasons that are bereft of me. Such paltry reasons for emotional upheavals feel weak and contrived, like I'm scrabbling for shreds of emotion past and fleeting to hold on to, crying over a memory I'd gotten over but pulled out again. But at the same time, there isn't anything to smile or laugh about, that something which creeps into your heart, touching a spot that flushes your cheeks and tingles your nerves. This steadfast plodding in shades of grey is numbing my senses; I don't feel alive.

It sounds jaded and cynical, but I don't remember the last time I felt that tingly breathlessness of unbridled joy. Or maybe I do. But I don't remember how it felt. It's funny remembering but not knowing, like an old favourite toy; lovely, sweet and fond, but you've simply forgotten how to conjure those feelings you had when you played.

Well, I know despite what I've foolishly said, it's just my careless and obstinate way of acting on a whim for change. Because I contradict myself all the time, and will live to regret that sharp blow, should it come, begging it to be taken away. Sometimes I think all I really want is that utopian dream, like snapshots in a magazine.

I finally got down to uploading all my pictures that I've been taking with my grainy 2 mega-pixel phone camera. There's an odd frisson of delight seeing my blog speckled with colour again, a reminder that my life isn't a poorly recorded page of mere superfluous words. I was walking through the shops the other day and I find that I am helplessly drawn to the aesthetics, which explains why I often fall victim to the sprightly colours of marketing gimmicks: floral prints, sea-green and sunset hues, glittery metallics all artfully and eclectically thrown together in a thoughtful design. It was for this very quality that I bought myself a pair of bright yellow strappy sandals; to throw a spot of colour on my very neutral shoe rack of verying shades of browns/golds, creams and blacks. I am very superficial that way, sadly.

I felt like being alone today, but I was terribly sick of bumming. So I cleared my room and you can actually see the carpet now. I was trying to break free from running through the motions, drifting through the routine of banal activity, completely fruitless and purposeless. So yes, I cleared my room. Then I sat down and made birthday cards. It's doing little things like these which are stemmed from the heart that fans this little flame of warmth in me; fruitful and purposeful even though technically I haven't really done anything other than twiddle with some glue and scissors like a five year old!

I don't really know what I'm trying to kick out of my system but it feels like I've got a chip running through my veins, leaving a bitter black trail. Ugh. I find myself feeling restless, morose, resentful, and a whole combination of the like, that it has left me pushing sleep to the very last minute so I don't lie in bed awake and thinking. I tried taking a walk tonight. After dinner and three episodes of Friends, I plugged my ipod in my ears and took a 40-minute walk. It felt really good! Striding over my ill-feelings and playing out the songs, like a newly branded soundtrack for crisp nights, shady moonlight and the staunch step of liberation.

I spent part of the night praying and realised how this year's gonna be a BIIIIGGG year with the tremulous twists and turns of uncertainty and change. Made me realise how hard I'll need to pray this year and leave it all in the hands of God as I faithfully obey and carry it out. He is faithful even though I've been so... unfaithful! God is verrryyy good, indeed :)

Anyway, on to the more fun part of this post which doesn't involve any self-centred moodiness or the like... PICTURES :)

This was when Hilda and I caught Sweeney Todd which was Disappointing with a capital D!!! It's when I still had hair, ha ha.


And there was also the time where we were meant to catch Kite Runner but totally missed it (sob!) and settled for tea and coffee instead. I have this terrible weakness for whipped cream lately. I've been blowing my money for iced chocolates and mochas just for that delicious dollop of light, whipped cream drizzled over in cocoa powder. Yums!

Then there was bowling at Strike! One day after my hair's all chopped off. Woooo!


And then there's Jumper with my dear beloved Meishannny Shan Shan (HAPPY BIRTHDAYYYYYYYY DARLING!). I love you for so many reasons but mostly because you're funny, caring and such a wonderful friend! You make me cupcakes with pretty icing, call me up to whine with me about badly dressed boys and uncertain futures, make me feel better about myself when I feel like life has trod all over me with it's stinky feet... And I know it sounds stupid but I loooove how you go out with me holding my hand acting all loveeey and chummy! Happy Birthday sweets xx

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

Did you know that Valentine's day is named after two Christian martyrs named Valentine? Vday's always been associated with the bittersweet, love/hate polarities of courtly love, a commercialised gimmick of roses, dinners and romantic gestures or even candidly renamed as Singles Awareness Day. I'm all for commercialised gimmicks and lots of courtly love, but Valentine's Day means so much more to me after I knowing the meaning of it. And it is ten times more compelling because it reminds me of the love of Christ which compels us to love others :)

So on this day of luuuurve, even if you don't have a special someone to spend it with, I've found a new, attainable, albeit very temporal, current love. And it's Kookai's Coton de Pima long sleeved tops which are pure unadulterated winter love. They're made of pima cotton which hugs without being too clingy and are sold in deliciously delectable, fruity colours! Best of all, they're on sale; so they're currently going for $12 a pop (down from $39!) which is truly the yummiest part of all. I bought one in a dusty pink taupe two weeks ago and liked it so much that I went back and bought another two more: in cream and a shade that I can only describe as a heavy sticky butter yellow. I'm so tempted to head back and get myself the lavender, pistachio green and to be completely over the top, the bright orange which is apparently known as International Orange.

That's the thing with basic tops. You find the perfect one and you feel the need to get it in every single colour. That was my mistake with the Forever21 ribbed tanks which they sold two years ago. I bought one in white and by the time I wanted the other colours, they were all sold out.

I know it sounds mildly mad, but sometimes I like putting my coloured clothing together and watching them blend in a mosaic of colour, like the melting hues of a sunset, and then feel my heart light on fire and the tingles running over my tongue.

I was in such a forlorn mood the last few days that I went ahead and did it: I got my hair chopped! And it has put me in a surprisingly chipper mood. Long day tomorrow: stuffed full of sickeningly stressful errands and a driving lesson. There are predicted showers as well. Noooooo. I had a good time tonight pigging out on my olive oil and white wine pasta and a quarter chicken Nandos meal over five episodes of Friends. As much as I hate to admit it, good food and a good show makes me very very happy.

I can't help turning back and scrabbling for the fluttering carelessness of my youth. Not that I am un-youthful but age has that way of creeping up on you, shocking you out of ageless delusion. Like a competition for youths: ages 12 to 18. Eighteen?! And there I was thinking I still qualified. Living by yourself hastens the aging process. I feel like a child dragged into adulthood by bills, rent and grocery shopping; unwilling, churlish and pained.

Today felt like a grown-up day. I went to see Fendam Management regarding my old tenancy bond. I wonder how adults get used to commercial jargon, using the phrases so loosely and blithely, while my ears twitch and prick as the words knot themselves in incomprehensible bundles in my head. I'm sure all adults were young and ignorant once. Other grown-up things I did included getting my week's worth of veges, chicken and fruit as well as a brand new two-tier shoe rack. I didn't know plastic stackable drawers were so hard to find. While looking for my stackable drawers, I spent a pensive five minutes wistfully fingering the pretty wood-and-cream table lamp and the mini chest in shades of dark wood and taupe, all well over my minuscule student's budget. And now I've got a pot of chicken soup bubbling over the stove. I miss my mother.

I felt really sad last week, didn't really know why. I was feeling really well in the day: spent Friday morning singing and talking to the old folks at Belasco Court, met up with Hilda for some window shopping and idle chitchat. Then in a sudden burst of solitude, I holed myself up in Borders for two and a half hours poring through a book. I took a bus home after with Deathcab in my ears, scribbling in my notebook. The little bubble of sadness popped and I spent the next hour sobbing and trying my best to buffet my bruised and uncomprehending heart with those dearest to me. Some things make so much sense in your head, but not when said out loud. I really need to learn to hold on to the everlasting hope that is in Jesus and not cave in to my bouts of melancholia!

Yesterday was Billy's 21st; happy birthday Billy :) It was quite a festive affair with trays of finger food being served and everyone dressed according to the theme of I want Billy to be _______. We went as the Addams family and I don't know whether it is meant to be a compliment or not but everyone said I looked exactly like Wednesday Addams. Anyway, the only pictures I took are with my grainy phone camera so I thought I'd steal some cool professional shots off facebook instead!

Kungfu Master Iggy and Wednesday Me :)


The Addams Family with the birthday boy (Gerrard)


His awesome Paul Frank mango mousse cake. Loooooves it.

Okay, so with the recent demise of my aging Canon, this dearth of pictures means I have no reminder whatsoever of the coming and goings of the last three (has it been three?!) weeks in Brisbane. Rather, the eventful twists and turns have been marked by movie tickets, lunch receipts and the memory of me sloshing down in the street in the rain struggling to balance my bag, groceries and umbrella. Or the ever trusty checklist in my organiser!

Speaking of which, every item in my previous post is checkity checked. I woke up at 7.30 am to take a (short) morning run. Slow and steady is the way. Then I had my first driving lesson in two months which went all right save for three critical errors (haha!). And everything rolled along just fine; from cooking to grocery shopping to the surprise visit Taiki made where we laughed along to Chuck and Larry and freaked ourselves out watching Medical Incredibles.

It's Chinese New Year Eve today. I woke up and my first thought was my parents followed by our annual tuanyuanfan dinner at Marina Mandarin. I've already planned my meal for tonight's lonely tuanyuanfan which comprises of chicken soup and corn slathered with butter. Not very chinese-new-year-ish but it's something I'm craving. To be honest, I'm really sad to be missing this holiday with my family. Chinese New Year seems like the only holiday in the year where the entire family gets together and isn't hounded by festive parties with friends. It's the only time where all of us get together bonding over cards and mahjong, snacking on stacks of pineapple tarts, nuts and chocolate.

I'm just going to pretend that today and the next two days, are just any other days dotted on the calender. And I'll call my mum later.

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR (:

(cny 06)

Apparantly, putting ideas into tangible print heightens the chance of them being brought to fruition. So I shall write down a list of things I want to accomplish tomorrow.

Things I must/will do tomorrow: 5/2/2008

1. Morning run

2. Driving lesson (definitely CHECK. He's coming at 10am! First driving lesson in.. a long time)

3. Cook lunch and dinner

4. Buy groceries

5. Buy a callcard


I decided not to be too ambitious, so I left out Doing the Laundry, heh. Hopefully by this time tomorrow, everything would be checkity checked!
:)

Being camera-less, although incredibly liberating, is also very subtly inconvenient. I don't think about how I need a camera until the need to immortalise a memory creeps up, loftily reminding me that my blog and memory box lacks that jovial boost of sprightly colour. And I don't particularly like haggling for the best deal, because I am lazy like that. The pressure is mounting, being told that they got this item at this price. I'll spend the entire time camera-hunting period thinking I've been jibbed.

I think back on this breezy lilting Friday and I see splotches of food and laughter rolling like the wind. Meishan came over and I cooked lunch. I attempted to replicate my mum's chicken mushroom stew and it was S-U-C-C-E-S-S this time, if I could say so myself. Comfort food at its homey best. We spent the remainder of the afternoon talking and rolling around the couch. And the sweet person that Meishan is, came with two huge mangoes and sago and made us sago dessert although I was fully cracking up at the disgusting process of watching innocent white sago turn into googly blobs resembling frog eggs.

My tunch (tea AND lunch) slid seamlessly into a very healthy and delish dinner at Steve and Keiyeng's of roast chicken, crusty bread and various salads. I plan to make a dinner like that sometime soon because I can never resist the combination of roast chicken basted in herbs and warm sweet crusty bread, topped by a healthy winning combination of colourful salads. Yum!

I attended my first TGIF at church tonight and I find boardgames bring out my schoolgirl best. Dramatic, competitive, I am bursting into life. Haha, I really should have brought boggle back from Singapore.

Okay, now I am craving more of that yummy bread I had tonight. It was so ordinary but so good.