I am up at a record of 6.27 am Brisbane time and harbouring an intense craving for chocolate cake. Actually, make that a chocolate fudge cake.

It's times like this that I really miss and appreciate well-lit and transport-efficient Singapore a lot.
Times where I discover to my horror that the next bus is in an hour's time and I've no choice but to stand around playing endless games of Sudoku on my mobile with only a sprinkling of people hanging around and the only thing open in sight is the 7/11 across the road.
There's an awfully familiar antiseptic glow emanating from 7/11 which feels very safe, somehow.
Must be the 24 hour thing. And the familiarity.

I realised a day always starts off better when it starts with a prayer.
Had a long pray this morning to ease my frazzled nerves and I really thank God for His hand of comfort and assurance over me this morning.
And praise be to Him because I had a great day today, with many of my fears dispelled :)
Romans 8:15, "For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of Sonship."

Met Angie, Gy and Chi today for some semi-window retail therapy and I tried a really nice banana java chip frapp! Bananas are cheap again; and they always remind me of Cel, always.
There are always little things that remind you instantly of someone or something, that's how the brain makes connections and my father is constantly reminding me to apply that method to my studies.
Then on top of delicious banana frapps, cheap bikinis, pride at great restraint, sushi trains and warm idle conversations, fuzzy smushy feel-good movies like Music and Lyrics seal the day for a fabulous time.

Tomorrow uni starts officially.
I'm still lingering at the fringes of the holidays and mentally willing myself to float into sync with the soon-to-be grind of uni.
I really don't have anything much to blog about; no loose displaced thoughts, no... nothing.

I NEED TO PRINT NOTES!

-

anonymous: sorry do I know you?

sydney: err what do you mean is this in China?

I actually miss him so much it hurts :(





Saw a Daschound prancing around today and it made me miss Smokey sososo soooo much :(
And oops I realised I forgot to reply some of my tags.

Anonymous: Yeap I'm studying law in UQ and it's not bad. I guess I don't really have any experience to compare it with anywhere else but it's not bad :)

Still been trying to acclimatise back to Brisbane life and had one heck of a day today.
Adjusting back to the change in scenery, change in company, larger food portions, unproportionately higher prices and having to do everything myself. Grumble grumble :(
Okay, so today we coughed up a huge wad of cash on groceries and I managed to procure myself a new fan, yay; although my arms felt ten times longer after carrying a huge load of groceries up three stories.
But I was so immensely happy with my new fan that I had to put it to use straightaway and I treated myself to a delicious afternoon nap.
Then it was all typical Friday stuff from then on and I realised I'm not very nifty at contract bridge and that Ostrichris is really one very good strategic card player.

The usual drill aside, I'm actually feeling it again.
The little wave of insecurity, always feeling a little exposed and unsure, and that odd pinch of loneliness; I don't quite know how to expressly mention all these fears, honestly.
I was thinking earlier that maybe I really am just one of those emo over-sensitive kids and whatever introspection that I'm spouting is merely unfounded hogwash and I'm really just being too damn emooooo.
But then I thought about it again and, okay, admittedly granting that I am quite an emo person, maybe I'm just grumbling and rehashing and purging it all out because I like preparing myself for the worst.
I like to let those feelings churn within me so that should it actually come, I'm prepared, I know and it won't hit me straight in the chest.
But then again, I suppose, no matter how well prepared you are, when it comes, it always feels fresh and raw somehow, so maaaaybe all I'm doing is just needless whinging and verbal diarrhoea.

Harharrrr, in some ways I can't wait for uni to start so I can get my proper footing down and start walking surer, steadier steps.
Hold my hand, God, hold it tight.

You stood before creation
Eternity within Your hand
You spoke the earth into motion
My soul now to stand

You stood before my failure
Carried the Cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon Your shoulders
My soul now to stand

It's time for a picture update; a detailed one!

So it was a very lonesome Vday spent at my house as you can see. Everyone looks very... somber. For some reason.




Then it was cards and mahjong at Marc's!














And we tried playing scrabble



















Then it was a very lovely night on Tuesday the day before I left where I had dinner with the girls before we headed to Loof to celebrate Rage's birthday!
It was a very happy night of heart to hearts, retarded talk and foooooooooood with my bestest girls :)



















AA girls minus... a lot of people :( Laura and Sueeeee, where are yoouuu! Oh and I've no idea how come Rage isn't in the picture.














The pretty birthday girl and I!



















Happy Birthday Rageykins, hope you liked your present!
Anyway Rage, I've known you waaaay back since primary school where you were irritating and put double sided tape in my hair (heehee) but you've really grown up and matured and become such a cute and endearing laaaaaaaydee.
Really enjoyed all those free periods we used to spend together and of course all the wonderful AAgirl moments and my life just wouldn't be the same without you :)

-

CNY prata with my sisterrrr where I suspect the prata was bought with my mahjong losses haha














-

Okay, so I'm back in Brisbane and the flight was fairly uneventful save for the usual hiccups at the checkin counter which I face every time due to my previously stolen passport.
And I guess I could grumble at all the inefficiency and problems that have become such a usual drill but I'm very grateful for the small things like how I sat next to a nice old man in the plane, I managed to not get airsick, I saw a lot of very cute babies and little kids, and most importantly, all my bags came in and did not get left behind!
Yaay :)

I vacuumed my entire morning away and my room is in a very neat and comfortable state which I pray will continue to stay this way.
I think I'm somewhat stuck in the whole rushed frenetic busy hustle and bustle of Singapore life because when I was heading to Chris' house this evening I found myself walking at an extremely un-Brisbane-like pace and I just felt so... strange.

Ha ha, but it was a good first day back and it's a busy busy day tomorrow so I need to .... SLEEEEEEP.
Okay goodnight.

So I leave in less than 24 hours and although I can think of a lot of words to describe aspects of how I'm feeling, I think I cannot aptly and succintly describe exactly how I'm feeling.
I could say it's an extremely bittersweet sensation, I'm heavy, excited, currently an amalgam of emotions and mixed feelings, etc; but then yet all these seem to depict a tumultuous myriad of emotions, all melodramatic and surging within my chest, when in all honesty, it's really not like that at all.
And so I guess I can only sum it up as an indescribable feeling although it's such an enigma weighing the emotion with many more weights and burdens it does not possess; but at the end that is what it is, indescribable.
Although not in the exclusive sense of extreme exhilaration or the contrary, because I think that someone else who's been there and done that would know exactly what I'm talking about and heaps of people have been there and done that.
So in all weak and feeble attempts, I am feeling... indescribable. Ha ha.

Okay, updates and pictures when I'm back in Brisbane and can attend to all housekeeping matters, online or not.
Because all the hours I have left now are spent packing and trying not to be overweight.

And that it's really been a great holiday seeing everyone I love and made me realise all the more how irreplaceable all of you are :)

It's been a long week, longish.
So on Wednesday Celene, Mich, Joan, Les and Slow came over to dispel any extra-induced vday loneliness by sharing love with one another and food.
Then my stomach began a fitful riot and my entire Thursday's plans were cancelled as I nursed a dreadful stomach flu.
Friday carried on with more stomach rebellions as I ran errands with my Mom before settling somewhat nicely with a reunion dinner feast that I left half untouched due to the internal riots.
Then I hung out with Marc, Tat and Owen and finally taught Owen and Tat how to play bridge.
I couldn't sleep the whooooole night and finally collapsed in slumber at approximately 12 noon today.
Then I had my second reunion dinner with the other side of my family and lost a whopping $50 to my grandma the reigning mahjong queen.

It sounds like a lot, feels like a lot, but yet doesn't seem like a lot.
Maybe my medication's made me dopey or something but I seem to be flitting in and out of myself and becoming forgetful and muddled.
So I'd read something and feel melancholy for a moment then five minutes later, I'd jerk back to a composed state of mind, but extremely perplexed because I can't remember whatever it was that made me sad.
And this cycle repeated itself several times throughout the day.

I don't like knowing that I'm leaving in the midst of chinese new year.
It means there are so many things propping itself on the fringes of my head.
Trying to enjoy myself in the festivity of chinese new year, plus remembering I have a million and one things to pack and tick off my list, plus I still have classes to sign on for, and all the people I still have to meet.

I keep thinking about people lately, everyone, especially those close to me.
Thinking about people is so natural but yet so trying, I don't know why.
Maybe it's because it's the one thing that is alive and changing, the one thing we always have to wonder about, and the one thing we can love so much.
And lately I'm becoming a worrywart, worrying about everyone and everything, and worrying about not worrying.

Ohweell, sorry people if I haven't really been keeping in touch lately, it's been a long week.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY everybody :)
Harhar, don't worry, I'm not one of those cynical vday-bashing singles, because every year I've had a very good valentine's day regardless or whether I've had a date or not, flowers or not.

Nowadays my brain seems to be so heavily clogged up with various odds and ends that everytime I settle down to unwind with a book, I cannot comprehend anything with ease except for erm, well... Sweet Valley.
I tried embarking on my untouched Age of Innocence but I couldn't move past the first four pages!
Re-read those four blooming pages, like, four times.

Reading Sweet Valley tickles the whims and fancies of throwback days and I much rather like it, although it reminds me (begrudgingly) that I'm turning into a cynical, pessimistic woe of a person :(
Like back in those scouring teenaged days, everything felt so exciting and so raw and so unbelievably... fresh; everything from first getting to know boys (ha ha), to engaging in bitchy girl politics, to who's your seat partner, to traipsing around town/hollandv/andthelike, finding the people that you want to be your bestest best friends for the rest of your idealistic life, to breaking up and getting together, and who can forget the hideously copious amount of text messages we sent and talking til the wee hours of the night that our parents would come hollering over our phone bill... ..

All the little things like that make me want to laugh, both of embarrassment and pure hearty nostalgia.
I remember the little thrill of excitement that would run up my spine whenever I received a very special text message, or the ways I managed to receive calls in the dead of the night without letting my phone ring, or fearing that I would never talk to my friend again after a little tiff we'd had.
But yes, now the hype has sombered.
We text purely out of necessity or boredom, we call each other and talk into the wee hours of the night with our bedroom lights on for hours without anyone caring, boys become just... boys, bitchy girl politics become lofty indecipherable venn diagrams, bestest best friends don't do everything together, town/hollandv/andthelike become boring... and everything is never clean nor fresh, black nor white and I think after a while we get so used to feeling the feeling, it numbs us out and we lilt through our lives in muted bubbles.
How... depressing!
And old... and jaded we've become.

But anywaaaaaay, moving along, Tat came over to study while I tried catching up on lost sleep; all in a fruitless attempt to study for his exams and spend some time before I head back.
Well, fruitless, because all we managed to do was consume a mountain of food, watch a lot of television and sleep; accomplishing nothing we set out to do!

And more pictures from my mooobile.

And I'm soooooorry tat, don't be angry :(

Okay, pictures from my (new) MOBILE!

the bell and I on Sunday before Kren's 'surprise'














Mich and I at Kren's 'surprise'














still at the 'surprise'














cutestuff Smokey; don't know why it looks a lil grainy (the picture I mean)














the very FIRST photo I took with my phone














Po and I














at Freddy's with MichLoh, Po and VELDIE (long time no see!)














last bible study with JG














the Bell and I again looking very... luminous.















So on Sunday we had Kren's surprise at night and Celene and I headed over to Settler's for the first time for a really good game of Scrabble where I discovered Cel's hilarious spelling prowess HEH!
I also got to try some really good organic banana walnut ice cream which is one of the best-tasting not-so-sweet ice creams I've ever had!
And I also managed to eat a mushroom prata stuffed full with mushrooms; unlike most places which cooks mushroom prata with the prata only half filled with mushrooms.
Little things like that make the day so much better, just like how little things can make your day so much worse; like not being able to find your one and only hairtie, losing one earring and eating really subpar food.

Also, I never get sick of girl company.
Especially on a warm balmy night with great food and great conversation; and even though I tend to space out a lot in any group bigger than five, the idle chatter soothes me into an extremely pleasant bubble most of the time.
It makes me think that everyday should be like that: a stream of quality productivity with a deep long lull of friendship to make the hustle stand still for just a few hours coupled with great food and great conversation, because nothing but that combination makes me feel more alive.

This week is space out week and surprisingly, I'm very happy to space out and sink into familiar confines.
The only things I have left on my checklist is to buy hairties (to prevent thoughtless days of missing hairties), fix my shoes, buy VCDs, PACK, meet some people and to eat my favourite bakchormee from my favourite store and indulge in a jap meal with my family.

And I realised I really like scrabble and that vowels are extremely important.

It's a little late, but this is for the bestest baby that was born on 9/2/87,
QUEK SUEWEN !!






























I hope you had a great 20th my darling! Even though I didn't get to see you, I was thinking of you!
Everytime I look at all these pictures, it reminds me of the times where we used to be faveseatbuddies and share your ipod while doing all that math and sleeping during GP; where we'd head over to your house and eat all that food and do all the stupid things; where we'd meet up in ACJC even though we're in two different countries now to eat yongtaufoo and chicken rice and drink tehping; and also all your screeching and pink and purple hairties and files; and more importantly, what a great friend you've been to me, smsing me everytime I was sad and making everything better.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SOOOZIE!
loveyou :)

-

It's been a long week of disjointed sleeping times and everything else thrown in and everyone, here is a glimpse of my NEW PHONE!

Although I cannot proudly boast of its functions because I have yet to learn how to use complicated phones.
Before this new phone, I was living in the era of only being able to call/sms and take the occasional tiny picture.
And physically, there's nothing much to boast about this phone because it is neither slim nor sleek nor small nor sexy.
But it's very functionable.

I can however proudly boast that this phone camera is TWO MEGAPIXELS!
Which is really a glorious moment because it means I don't have to carry my ancient brick of a camera out anymore which is leading in the camera race against my phone by a mere 0.1 megapixels. ONLY.
Okay, pictures another time.

Hmm, my memory must be failing me because I can't, for the life of me, remember anything I've done in the past week; everything's glazed by in a blur of monotony.
It seems as though the likely emotion before I head back to Brisbane would be grabbing every moment by its horns, captivated and capricious, living for each soon-to-be treasured memory.
But you know what, it isn't.
On the contrary, it's been a bodily onslaught of restless fatigue, pondering and rehashing, and a heck lot of waiting to get my life kickstarted into a whirlwind of fulfilled, quality activity.

It was a good holiday, no doubt, but somehow not quite what I'd expected or preferred; no glittery holiday magic, no precious moment written indelibly in my memory, no capricious hurtling.
Instead just a steady plodding along, the day passing one after another in similar fashion peppered with their up and downs; some more down than others, some more up than others.

Actually, I don't know why I'm even talking about my holiday on the whole, because it's nothing I'd thought about or wanted to write about.
I could come up with a whole load of dishy details about what I did today, how exactly I'm feeling, but words of such precision and fine-tuning is bereft of me.
I can only weakly sum up a general feeling, a general glaze of everything, which at the end of the day says nothing.

Been feeling very strongly in my spirit lately to pray; and not just simply pray but to pray fervantly in faith and righteousness.
Simple instruction but very, very hard because everyday I ask God what does He want me to pray about and perseverance in pushing on in faith and righteousness is well, extremely difficult :(
Especially when deep down, I'm still desperately grasping at the frazzled ends of my worries, confused and tired.
Although quite ironically, the answer to my question, is to persevere in prayer with faith and righteousness as He has instructed.
Teach me, encourage me, show me, quieten my heart Lord.

But most of all, I pray that You'll make it alright.

I am... sad.
Ohwell

A night of lovely and unlovely people, of lovely and unlovely things.
Thank God for the lovely people :)

Tat's shop! Ha ha Tat's nice, indeed














short, shorter, shortest



















Tat and his irreplaceable NG:GN!



















Looking like ghosts














All better, friends forever!



















S-C-R-A-B-B-L-E with the T-O-T; actually everytime the three of us hang out, it always seems to be full of games and heart to hearts, no wonder we're TOT :)
















You have reminded me of your PEACE:
"Do not be anxious about anything but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 4:6-7

and Your POWER:
"I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
John 16:33

Yes Lord, Peace in Prayer and in Your Power!

On they go through private pain,
Living fear to fear.
Laughter hides their silent cries,
Only Jesus hears.

-

Only You hear Lord, only You.

Love, love, love, love, love, LOVE, love.

As 2006 faded into 2007, God's been opening up the door of love, teaching me about love, reminding me about love, showering me with His love and everywhere is love, love, love.
Who's love?
HIS LOVE.

I heard a story over the radio the other day and it was about an old man who was talking to his old wife and asking her about their marriage.
And she told him that many years ago, her mother told her that the secret to a successful marriage is to never argue or fight with her husband when she got angry.
So the husband asked her what did she do whenever she got angry with him.
The old woman took a basket and in it lay a pouch with $90 000 inside and two embroidered dolls.
She explained to her husband that every time she got angry with him, she sewed an embroidered doll.
So the old man was feeling very pleased at what a loving wife he had, having only been angry with him twice during the marriage!
Then he asked why she had so much money in the pouch and the wife said, "Oh I got it by selling the other embroidered dolls."

HAHA okay I found it really funny when I heard it but then as I was feeling frustrated and upset and awfully blue this week, it just reminded me of God's definition of love and how He's been reminding me to exercise this love!

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices iwth the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."
- 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

I guess in some ways, I never properly understood at that time what I was fully asking God for when I prayed for His revelation of love to wash over me constantly, because ever since I prayed those prayers, I've been inundated by His word on love and His grace and mercy of love! And it's been a nonstop cycle of encouragement and finding it tough, tough, tough.

It's been a reeaal struggle trying to understand, accept and carry out God's definition of love.
I'd always considered myself a fairly loving person but lately, God's just been opening my eyes to expand the capacity of my heart, to love more, and more importantly to love as He has loved me.
And in all honesty, it's hard. Reeeeally hard.
Especially when human selfishness takes place; because frankly, when we give out love, we expect reciprocation, we expect the same love to be extended towards us.
When it isn't, we hurt and we remember the myriad of things done, we feel shortchanged and still undeniably hurt and even bitter, maybe.
And when I hit rockbottom weariness, all my energy ground away by futile efforts, all I feel like doing is giving up and simply not caring.

Then whenever I reach that stage, God plucks me up again with His swift hand of comfort and encouragement, reminding me that love holds no record of wrongs, love is not self-seeking, love always perseveres and truth be told, sometimes I just feel like saying STIIIIILLLL? I'm super tired, God. My heart and head hurts.
And I seem to have hit this stage on multiple levels almost every single day of this week, crying seemingly senseless tears and caving in to some inexplicable loneliness, but yet amazingly, He's renewed me every morning and reminded me yet again of HIS LOVE.

"This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through Him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his son as an atoning sacrfice for our sins.
Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God but if we love one another, God lives in us and His love is made complete in us."
- 1 John 4:9-12

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
We love because He first loved us. If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, who he has seen, cannot love God, who he has not seen.
And he has given us this command: whoever loves God must also love his brother."
- 1 John 4:18-21

Sometimes we feel the strong urge to hit out at someone who's hurt us, to yell and hash it all out; but just like the story, God reminds us to love, to hold on to His love which enables us to love the way He loved us.
Been a struggle this week to try and let go of hurt and disappointment and renew myself in His eternal love as I set forth to love others.
I really pray that You'll increase the capacity of my heart bit by bit, so that I may love and forgive as You have loved and forgiven me.
Help me to see beyond myself and into the lives of others!

-

And on a slightly off tangent note, today was a really cool day!
Before church, I was praying to encounter Him that He may lift my spirits up because I was feeling rather blue.
I was going to fasten my favourite necklace round my neck when it slipped and my two pendants fell off the left side of my shoulder.
I found one of the pendants but I simply couldn't find the other one: a bible locket.
Anyway I was scrabbling on the floor trying desperately to find it within the short amount of time I had when I was suddenly reminded of this story Laura told me.

So I began to pray that I may find my pendant and God will show me where it is and I heard a voice tell me to look to the right.
So I scoured the area on my right trying to find the pendant but I simply couldn't find it.
I was rather irritated at that point of time and I was thinking to myself, if I simply changed my position, the right would be another area already, so what does look to the right mean?!

Then I stood up and as I looked in the mirror, I saw my little locket stuck on the right side of my hair and it was simply amazing because I had no idea how it could have gotten on the right side of my hair when the pendant had slipped on the left.
And then it struck me again that when God told me to look to the right, He was right!
Because the locket was on the right side of my head, no matter where I turned, where I sat, it would always be to the right :)

HOWWW COOL IS THAT.

PICTURES!

Dinner with the girls on Friday :) I LOVE!

Cel the Belle on Saturday; night of her hall play!

Old Times, Good times!

And not forgetting three years on, same place, same skunk.

2004

2007