didn't finish the econs paper.
fail fail fail.
die die die.
I WILL PASS MATH.

i'm starting to wonder how i'm ever going to get through my alevels.
its only year 1 and i'm having heaps of trouble and the work just seems to be beyond me.
gosh, i never knew i was that dumb.

i'm SUPER DUPER pissed.
i just wrote a nice rambly post about how bad lit was plus many other random thoughts and it.. disappeared.
shite today's a bad day.

anyway since i'm too lazy to pour out my woes all over again regarding the screwy lit paper, i shall put it very simply and neatly.
i let my crazy tv overindulgence take over, and i imagined the zulu girl to be some kind of mystical queen in disguise who has a rather sinister aura and as she's feeding her baby, her baby is transformed internally for revival.
ok that was simple or neat, BUT WHY AM I SO DRAMATIC?!
urgh. i got so carried away with that horrid vision tattooed on my mind that i completely forgot how to write a decent essay.
so much so, i didn't even put in any relevant details but just rambled on and on about how there are undercurrents in this poem and RIGHT. OKAY.
she has hidden powers.
RIGHT.

sometimes i ask myself why the hell am i so DUMB and UNINSPIRED?
GRR, GP was NOT good :(
ohwell, maybe after this, it's time for my 'half-time'.

and i know this is completely irrelevant but i just have to add this.
i was watching stairway to heaven with my sister again and i really haaaaate the sister i mean why is she so MEAN?
once again, i want to live in a tv show, and get top marks in school, get bullied by my stepmother and sister but yet have a handsome childhood sweetheart waiting for me.
actually, minus the bullied by stepmother and sister part.
i can live quite happily without a wicked witch and her sidekick daughter.

Mystery Case #1
things have gone awry in the Gn household, because guess what?
the REMOTE CONTROL is missing!

now thinking about it, and seeing it in print on my monitor, it sounds highly ridiculous. but being dropped in the midst of this reality, i'd say it is not ridiculous at all. in fact, it is rather disruptive and upsetting.
shite, my poor remote control.

we've been searching high and low for it, digging in the shallow depths of the cracks of our couch, crawling on all fours and squinting under tables, chairs, shelves and whatever else that has legs, rummaging through drawers, and even calling my aunt who was at my house earlier saying, "Is my remote control inside your bag?! Can you check?"

what slaves we are to our darling tv and the comforts of immobility.

on a more blog-like note, my cousins from US came over today and with their chick-flick-teenybopper-like american accents, difference in air and mannerisms and humour, i must say i was abit tongue-tied. but it was gratifying to see the miniscule but scattered Gn family reunited, even though it seemed like a rather haphazard mix and match, with one uncle overseas and another cousin back in US, and the stark difference in age, culture and although this may not matter i'd say it makes a difference, the very overpowering presence of females.
you see, our family is very lacking in males.
and all the males are aged fifty and above and the youngest one back in US is about 12 or 13.
and the rest of the distant cousins whom i've never met but heard of, are scattered all over tiny sunny Singapore.
so it makes the atmosphere a little quiet and restrained.

in a few hours, my bloody countdown will be OVER.
but strangely, i'm not feeling it.
in fact, i feel as though i can wake up at 1 in the afternoon tomorrow :)
which obviously i can't because i know there's school tomorrow.
if only what i know is the same as what i feel.

my countdown is almost over.
except it's not all confetti-spewing, loud cheering and fireworks exploding.
like a ticking time bomb, would be a more accurate description.
except i'm not gonna explode.
but the feeling before it explodes is kind of the same.
but i'll soon be dead.
so this metaphor isn't too far off is it?
and is it even a metaphor?

sunday mornings without church, late mornings and sleep-crusted swollen eyes is not good at all.
i shall go brush my teeth now.

that's the most active my doodleboard's ever been.

swong&eva: didn't darren get back with ginger on graduation day? or was it just my imagination? and eva, i'll miss waving vigorously to you too :(
swong&becky&ta: aiyar, let's just split up the work. someone come up with the list, the ac people will call the ac people regarding who can/cannot come. and becky will provide the venue and the mahjong. and ta will bring herself and her vcds. and swong will bring herself and inform lesley and stuff. and should we all chip in two bucks to pay for food? cos isnt very nice to make becky pay for all the snacks. ok thats MY suggestion.
esther: add a tagboard on ur blog! see you in school!

i don't really have anything to say except oversensitivity is relative.
and i don't think i've gone overboard.
and as much as i hate this stinking line in this book, it's reflected my feelings to a tee.

'"Have you ever looked in the mirror and been disappointed with your reflection?" I turn to face her and she meets my gaze. "Well, I loathe mine."'

i am suddenly blessed with xray vision.
however it doesn't penetrate through others.
it penetrates through myself.
and i don't like what i'm seeing.

while the night is still young, and the day not over, i'd better ANNOUNCE this first.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ERIC CHANG KUANG FU!

right, when you come back in two days time, i'll wish you properly :)

the days seem so short nowadays.
it just seems to zip past and before i know it, it's approaching 12 midnight and when i ask myself, "so what did you do today?" and all i can come up with is.. (an example, say TODAY)
1. tuition in the morn
2. watched tv
3. had sushi with my mother and went grocery shopping
4. came home and napped
5. had dinner
6. watched MORE tv.

and 2. and 6. don't really count as two separate things because they are the same things done at different times.
what a stupid wasted day.

i really ought to make better use of my time.
24 hours seems like a pretty hefty amount of time, but once you cut out the time you spend half unconscious, tv time (which passes by SPEEDILY), online time, eating time and whatever other times there are, there really isnt much time.
and to think i used to have these big dreams of accomplishing my homework, projects that would make me proud to be me, and even these niggling thoughts of learning cooking and art etc.
but at the rate i'm going, i don't even think i can COMPLETE my homework, much less accomplish projects that i see when my head is drifting in the clouds.

and let's do my countdown again.
two more days to terms.
a week till lesley comes home
one more day to eric coming home.
a few more hours to gab coming home.
my sister is coming home TONIGHT :)

i just realised, WHAT'S the point of blogging all about that dumb cinematography shite when no one really cares and.. neither do i?
except that long, random, draggy thought actually did flit through my mind.
and i merely yanked and stretched and pulled that flit of a thought into words because i was feeling like a wannabesmartass.

so i'm done with being a wannabesmartass, and it's time to be plain old normal me even if that means a wee bit stupid.
i started on my production and costs MCQ, which is a briliant step in my opinion. because instead of rereading the few measly definitions in my notes, i'm actually APPLYING it.
or trying to.
because i realised that when i read my notes, i THINK i understand.
but when i do my MCQ, i realised i don't.

and other than that, i had a great day today bumming on the couch, so much i think my legs actually melted in them at one point of time because i simply couldn't roll myself off it.
so, today was spent with hkdrama at 1030, 12 and one more at whatever time i forgot. as well as lizzie mcguire, the wild thornberries, fairly odd parents, all that, and snippets of some hk movie that was very very dumb.

and then i fell asleep on my mother's bed and when she came home, she was being VERY annoying, but in a rather cute way now that i think about it.
but i must say, i was VERY annoyed at that point of time cos she wouldn't let me sleep.

and i've been plagued by a series of weird dreams lately.
last night, i had the most insane, weird ass dream EVER which made me flush to think about it this morning because HONESTLY, how did i ever dream of that?
and when i napped, i dreamt i saw this lovely skirt hanging from the ceiling of some shop that sold furniture and i passed it telling myself i wouldnt spend money.
but then i regretted it, so i started to backtrack, lugging with me THREE humongous brooms (don't ask me how they appeared, they just did) and i went round and round even to some water theme park, but no, NO furniture shop with skirt hanging from ceiling.
and just when i saw it again, my mother so rudely woke me up.

ok now THIS is what i call real blogging :)

when i was younger, i used to think being a movie critic was the cushiest job ever. well, that's because you not only get to watch all the movies before everyone else does, you get paid for it. and all you have to do is dish out a few senseless opinions and go "i give this FOUR popcorns!" or something similar.

anyway, i'm wrong.
to be a movie crtic, i realised you actually have to have a substantial and varied knowledge of cinematography and the likes of it. but even with this knowledge, without wit and any form of analytical prowess, it is just simply information.

in other words, having profound knowledge of this area, does not make you a felicitous and condign movie critic.
because a movie is just simply not dead.
the minds of the directors/screenplay writers/producers, etcetc aren't dead.
and it's this complex make up of parts that actually form a movie.
so you can't exactly transfer a live movie and hope it fits into the grooves of a textbook.

writing a movie review is alot like writing a lit essay except there isn't going to be a grade stamped on it.
it's sheer, technical information, coupled with biased opinions (i say biased because everyone has different opinions, leaning towards their preferability) and constructive criticism.

how did i come to realise this?
well, i was reading the Life section of the newspaper that day, because i spied a picture of Jeon Ji Hyun and the caption read "Review of Windstruck!".
and the review was full of technical terms and comments like "while Jeon managed to seamlessly sail from brazen to demurely shy, Jang seemed to be lost.." or "the director had taken the powerful effects of sweet, light-hearted humour, quick action, and tear-jerkers full blown to make you weep and wring your hankies.. but the movie seemed disjointed plainly because the director simply had too many genres in one movie" or "the great storyline however was lost in the ambitions of their director" or SOMETHING LIKE THAT!

anyway they're all things that would have escaped my notice.
if i'd shared the same opinions as the movie critic, i'd probably be left with feeling disjointed with a sense of loss after the movie, but NEVER would i think that its all because of the cinematography and.. i'm running out of technical terms to use.

right, all these rubbish thoughts about being a movie critic, just because i'd read a movie review.
BUT, i still want to watch Windstruck.
because disjointed or not, i really don't care :)


becky&swong: i can't plan a sleepover! i've got squash graded tournament the saturday RIGHT after terms i've got no time!
joan&meishi: ha ha i love you two for praying for me :)

i'm somehow stuck between a loathing for blogging and an insane addiction to blogging a few times a day.
like right now.

been reading my past few entries and i think i sound deranged and retarded.
but somehow typing makes me happy.
blogging makes me happy.
but at the same it ANNOYS me.

do i make sense?
ok i guess not.
shall continue my countdown.
FOUR more days to terms.

had bible study earlier, my first session, and i realised that yasmine and the entire group had been praying earnestly for me to attend the sessions.
and hiding that little thought at the back of my mind, i was really glad that i'd gone today.
i was really glad that God had answered their prayers.
and i was really glad that God was with me.

sometimes, we're just too caught up in our own lives and ourselves to fully realise what goes on in others and what really matters.
everything revolves around the 'me me me' and what we want, and the actions we take. pretty much like replaying your own life like a tv show in your head.
and we tend to forget that there are other shows playing all around, in every tiny screen at the back of everyone's head.
and because of our oblivion, we replay our own lives over and over again, reviewing it and feeding our selfishness and insatiety.
and i've come to realise today, that perhaps, our own life movies aren't so important.
that there are other movies, other situations, that are much more crucial than our own.

i've digressed a little, because what i really wanted to say was that, at bible study, i've caught a glimpse of what the rest are going through and how God has lifted them up and worked in their lives.
and i admit i'm a little ashamed of my own selfishness and narcissism.

so anyway, we did personality quizzes and reviewed how far our small group has come and how much more we had to improve to embody everyone in the body of Christ, and the bottom line of it all, loving one another.

and truly, i think God has been good to us.
i never dreamed that the huge social center from sec2 would grow to a Spirit-filled youth ministry.
i never dreamed that between then and now, i've come this far, although i've alot more ground to cover.
and i'm really grateful that God has put yasmine and rodney in our lives.
and i'm really grateful for what He's done for each and every one of us.
it didn't seem possible that any of us could change, but we did.

anyway school starts next week.
and when school starts.. i don't know just what will happen.
but in God we trust :)

woke up to the sound of my mother yelling "WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT UP YET!" and in my sleepy stupor, i'd half a mind to tell her i slept at 5am and would like to sleep a little longer.
but thank goodness for a somewhat bleary sense of clarity, i didn't.

and it isn't so bad being up at 11 because morning tv is nothing short of great!
starting from 1030 all the way to 330, it's nonstop hk, korean and jap drama serials. I LIKE :)
and after sitting on the couch with half a box of cereal in one hand and the remote control in the other, i realised that being up in the morning is really not a bad thing at all because MORNING TV IS DAMN GOOD.
and i'd better make the most of the next three days, because once school starts, i'd have to say goodbye to morning hkdrama, korean drama at 1, jap drama at 230 (or is it two?), lizzie mcguire, the brothers garcia and as told by ginger.

didn't get to watch my korean drama today though cause of tuition at 2.
functions notes, the tute, mich and much yawning is all i can say about tuition.

which reminds me, five more days to terms.
and this blog is starting to sound like a countdown to terms.

becky: I MISS MG DAMN ALOT TOO! sleepover at your house okay? food food food tv mahjong food food food :)
philly: HOI! join the squash blog philly!

today my blog topic will be about my old friend taaaaaaaaaaa whom i haven't spoken to in ages and is currently going crazy.

you see, i haven't spoken to her in a while, and i'm currently conversing with her and she'd like to say that she's starting school tomorrow, and she doesn't know what to wear tomorrow and she's going crazy, loving to irritate people by going hurhurhruhruhrur.
anyway you get the picture.

so, ta has been one of my oldest good friends, our friendship going waaay back to end of p3 where i used to borrow her recorder because stupid me always forgot and i didn't wanna get blasted by.. i think my teacher was lim beena. anyway, she happily decided to nickname me BabyG because of my watch, and also because she didn't seem to be able to remember my name.

lo and behold, in p4, we were posted to the same class and what more, sitting next to each other! and this went on to p5 and we've been friends since.

ta is a neatfreak.
her desk in primary school was immaculate.
and her room is as neat and bare as a prison cell.
thats because she packs everything so neatly and efficiently, there doesn't seem to be a stray sleeve poking out of anywhere.
so being the neatfreak that she is, and being the messy bum that i am, ta HATED the way the things from my desk used to slide over to her side because there simply wasn't enough space under my desk.
although my messiness seemed to have a rather good effect, because on occasion, i'd come to school in the morning to find my desk neatly packed, thanks to ta :)

ta was also the most different, independant and somewhat err angst-filled girl i'd ever met in my tender years of 11.
she was the only one i knew who took public transport everywhere, stayed out till the wee hours of the night, and had the freedom to go as and where she like.
at eleven years of age.
and she was also prone to tears and say.. bouts of emotional turmoil, a girl of eleven wasn't likely to experience.

and in p6, ta went away to philippines and we wrote, emailed, etc etc and she came back in sec1.
and i'm so tired because i have so much to say so i'll fast-forward.
ta and i were in squash together.
we went through heaps of shite together.
and sec2 was ta's first attempt to be skinny.
and ta had highs and lows and highs and lows.

so now we're on the phone.
and ta is going to start her first day at Temasek Polytechnic :)
so ta, i wish you ALL the best.
oh and now ta feels the MG bond.

and swong's also on the phone.
and swong is my friend since secone too.. and
argh im damn tired.

okay i'm put in a much happier mood now due to the whirring fan next to me.
and after reading joan's blog and taking a look at her sneakerfreaker (which is not very good by the way!) i went to check out sneakercentre and pickyourownshoes and i regret getting my Dunk Low Premium (Camouflage Edition)!

these are the shoes i want :)

Nike Blazer Suede Low


and

Dunk Low Premium (Splatter Edition)


ok i prefer the Nike Blazer, except since i'd bought a Dunk Low Premium earlier, and i found a much nicer, eye-friendly Splatter Edition, maaan am i upset.
ok, just to show you, this is my Camouflage Edition.
i know it looks diseased and you're probably wondering WHY i bought it in the first place BUT it looks quite nice on my foot really :)

Dunk Low Premium (Camouflage Edition)


i
want
those
nike
blazers.

and if i feel rich enough, i think i'll go hunt for them at the end of this year :)

it simply amazes me what heat can do to my mind.
when i say that, i don't mean i did something incredibly dumb, but rather heat has a certain effect on me, that turns me grumpier than usual, though to be perfectly honest, i never realised it till today.

influence is something so subtle i don't even realise it myself.
subtle yes, weak no.
again, i am amazed at how i've been influenced, how others have been influenced and how we don't know about it.

heat has a way of turning happy thoughts into irritable mush and horrible thoughts into lazy puddles.
just like now.
so every happy thing i was happy about, and every horrible thought i was thinking about, has been reduced to one big mushy blob.

so much so, i don't even know what i'm trying to say.

becky: sorry bex, i like you ALOT more than the cow. honest. the cow is cute as a cow. the cow as a person is well.. i like you better :)
slow: haha thanks sexxxy, but actually i do look like shite in the morning. catchup soon :)
the boy: who are you? and.. how on earth do you know what i look like in the morning. and i dont look like that! ok the hair part is right but NONONO no facial hair.

michelle loh: ha ha it goes to show in sec3, swong lost weight, then she put it all back on this year! ha ha michhhhheller, we miss you in church. hurry back so we can sing and sing and siiiiiiiing. oh right and eat rodney's treats:)
slow: yes yes its out! i can see it!
joan: HEHHEHHEH i'll tell you some other time okay? remind me to tell you!


sunday evenings remind me dreadfully of school even though i don't have school tomorrow.
BUT this sunday, the last sunday where i'm able to go out without thinking what homework i have to rush, reminds me dreadfully that there is only one week left of holidaaays!
which means one week to school!
which means one week to exams!
which means one week to.. ok one week OF nonstop mugging because i am SOOO behind time but yet i can't kick my lazybum, brains, hands to work to pick up those books, pencils, highlighters, calculater, tutes to do my WORKK!
which is.. well simply very very very supremely mightily (is there such a word?!) highly and so VERY VERY annoying. and worrying.

because i know i should be scared but i'm not scared.
or more like im not scared ENOUGH to push those rusty brain wheels into gear.

and i like home on the range :)
like fiona says, grace's (erm the cow in the show) singing is SO like becky's.
except grace has a very docile, sweet, submissive, non-volatile demeanor and is very adverse to violence and arguments and believes there is a "wholistic solution" to everything :)
while becky is violent, retarded, aggressive, volatile and loves the taste of an argument (especially if she knows she can win and its with a person she's not particularly fond of).
EXCEPT for the singing.
so BECKY, if you read this GO WATCH IT!

and shoe shopping sucks.
i don't even wish to go into it.

it is late and i am feeling undeniably shitty.
shitty for no good reason at all.

ok this entry is specially, specifically for sarah wong li en aka swong, who's been my personal friend since primary6 all the way till now.

ANYWAY, enough about how long i've known her, and lets get on to the story. swong is a girl of length 152cm and weighs 42.5kg in case you'd like to know. in sec 2, she was 43.5kg and sec4, 40kg, which means she put on TWO POINT FIVE KG! GASP EVERYBODY GASP!
...because swong, is appalled and shocked and disgruntled by the fact that she is only 152cm but yet she HAD to put on 2.5kg so she now's now as heavy as 42.5kg.

yes, and small as she may be, she's got a BIG heart, BIG mouth and well.. BIG voice.
i say BIG heart, because she LOVES to bully people, LOVES to make fun of people, LOVES to call people sluts (whether or not they are one) and LOVES to.. well, basically you get the idea. yes and she LOVES boys too :D
and BIG mouth, because she talks and talks and taaaaaaalks. and talks and talks and talks. talktalktalklaughlaughlaughtalktalktalktalk.
and BIG voice is self-explanatory.

swong has a loving mother and loving grandmother whom she affectionately calls "old folks".
when they are waiting for her at the carpark, she goes "ok my old folks are at the carpark, lets go for a walk! muuummmmy, i'm going for a walk! you're fat WALK! WALK!"

but all that aside, swong is still my good FRIEND.
BECAUSE, she's got enough space in that big heart of hers, for me.
and enough space in her BIG mouth, to talk to me and give me practical or not so practical advice.
and enough of her BIG voice to errm well.. err ok nevermind about that.
so there you go.
this is specially and specifically, for sarah wong li en :)
for more about her, click here.

I HEREBY ANNOUNCE THAT THE DAMNED ROACH HAS BEEN CAUGHT!!
apparantly that little thing scuttled to my mother's bathroom and was caught yesterday at 2300 hours by my father.
so cheers to my dear old papa :)

hmm, dinners with old chums always make me really happy, because the familiar warmth is like no other. and being able to reminisce and relate to one another without having to relay the background story is always comfortable.
so yesterday's dinner was made great alone by the wonderful company albeit lousy food.
i was craving thai but since becky had thai for lunch we had swensons instead which isn't particularly satisfying in relation to price and quality of food.

and one more week till school reopens, which means one more week to TERM EXAMS.
which is the main cause of my pre-school jitters.
the jitters are a little premature, but they are completely justified, derived from the fact that i am very very unprepared.
which makes them not so justified because err well, it IS kind of my fault for being so unprepared.

and enough of this grousing and self-justified explanations.
i shall try and absorb a little more of production and costs like.. now.

so waddya think of this new one?
had sudden inspiration when i dug out an old photo from My Documents and i modified the pic a little.
this template certainly beats the cartoon network one which i'll bet most people didn't get to see cause i didn't leave it on long enough.

anyway HOORAY for doodle.
it works :)

will be having dinner with cass swong and becky in a while.
i havent seen swong in AGES.
ha ha swong, i actually miss you.

oh right, and i put up some new pics that i took from people :)
check out the links.
thankkyoooouuu.

i am going html crazy.
i can't seem to produce decent templates BLAHBLAHBLAH i am so pissed.
i can never seem to resize my tables properly, and my colour coordination is ALL WRONG and i was taking a peek at beautify and MAN do they have nice templates :)

boyy, do i have alot to learn.
so while i learn, bear with this temporary cartoonnetworkish template which looks damn wrong.

new layout
ARGH hope my new flooble works.

sometimes i think about what it'd be like if i were ant-sized or beetle-sized and lived amongst humans.

i was in the shower earlier, and i noticed a little beetle swimming, or struggling for that matter, in the shallow water, trying its best not to get swept by the mini currents caused by the jet spray of my shower head.

and while shampooing my hair and rinsing the suds out, this little beetle remained the object of my attention. normally, i hate beetles and i'd squish them in tissue paper and flush them down the toilet.
but for some reason, this teensy beetle was rather endearing in its efforts to survive the horror encounter of being half drowned in bath water and running the risk of being smothered by huge clumps of lather (which did happen by the way but it managed to scramble out).

so eventually that beetle did get sucked down, but it made me wonder what it was like being that size and having to face such monstrosity, such as well, me because i'm about a million size bigger than that teensy thing.
and being in a shower stall would probably seem like a vast square valley with torrents of rain and rushing waters and not to mention clumps of falling shampoo lather.

and then i started to think about how that damned beetle just didn't give up. because i'm terrified of beetles and i was trying to wash that thing down the drain, but it just kept struggling for dry 'land' such as my shower cream bottle, and amusingly didn't give up.

and then i thought about all the things i gave up and all the times i gave up.
it's so cliched to say that if we keep trying and never give up, we'd reach our goal, or for every no that's shouted in your face means you're closer to a yes, etc etc but in it's own little way, it is true.

so i thought about the time i hated practising the piano and all those boring songs that my teacher forced upon me and i demanded that i be allowed to quit. and many many years later, like now, i realised that i actually do like playing the piano. but because i gave up, i can only tinker and plink on the keys, churning out a few rough-edged tunes, when i could have marvelled and awed everyone with my mastery, or lack of it.

and i thought about the time i gave up writing. when i used to sit for hours before the computer, tapping away on the keyboard, formulating ideas into words, and words into stories or poetry. and how when i took it up again, i felt so inadequate and speechless, and the material i produced just didn't seem to live up to the standard i was expecting due to age. and so i'm probably at the brink of giving it all up again.

and though i never ever regretted picking up squash, i did wonder what it would be like if i had never quit LDDS in sec one. i could have raised my grades from all the useful experience i could have acquired in debate, or perhaps heightened my theatrical tendencies by being in drama, and though i know i'd probably never enjoy it half as much as i enjoy squash, i do wonder sometimes what i could have been, and what hidden capabilities i have.

and there were so many incidents that i thought about, including times where it seemed like i wasn't giving up, but i didn't know if it was my best. for example, i knew i wasn't giving up on squash, but i didn't know whether i was putting in my best. i've won games, i've lost games. i've won them without effort, i've won them by putting in LOADS of effort, and i've lost them without effort and yet i've lost by putting in alot of effort.
which made me think, could i have won? could i have just put in that liiiiittle bit more. or was i just plain incapable because the other was just better than me. period.

so what exactly is 100% or 110%?
i've always been told, put in your best, put in your best, but i don't know what's my best.
sometimes giving up seems to be the best way, but yet sometimes giving up just seems to be losing so much in the long run.
giving up the piano could have been good for me, because i was miserable with the teacher anyway, and i doubt my capability to be a player capable of such, as i'd put earlier, mastery. and subconsciously, i'd probably invested that extra time into reading or doing something else for my benefit.

blaah, all these random useless long-winded thoughts derived from just a tiny bug.
there must be something wrong with me.

you know something?
i just came across betty's blog, and i know cheryl will roll her eyes and beg me not to encourage betty, but i think i really respect betty.
just read her blog.

how many are so honest with themselves?
sometimes i wish i could be like that.
honest with myself, honest with others, and throw all misgivings to the wind, and brush opinions aside, because i'm happy doing what i'm doing.

and betty is somewhat like that.
and i don't think betty reads this, but betty, if you ever do read this, just wanna tell you that you are one of the most big-hearted people i've ever met:)
and congrats on passing Singapore Idol Auditions Round One!

i've decided, reiterating events and encounters in a story-like fashion is very fun. so that's what i'll do. or more like tell-a-story-like fashion. but isn't that what blogging's about? or somewhat like that? ok nevermind i'll just blog normally.

so, this morning i woke up at one cause my mother was screaming "ONE O'CLOCK ALREADY AND YOU'RE STILL IN BED?!"
and the really strange thing is, i can't seem to get out of bed in the mornings. usually when i'm fully awake and i close my eyes and snuggle in bed, i'm half asleep and somewhat conscious of what's going on around me.
but recently, when i wake up and go back to sleep, i really fall back into a deep sound sleep and when i awake again, my eyes are all bleary and sleep-crusted. and this happens everytime my mother comes into my room, starting from 10 to whatever time i actually crawl outta bed.

and after the ablutions i decided that i really needed my hairband this morning so i was digging frantically into my bag, pulling out random things when i felt this ICKY SCRATCHY feeling up my arm and to my horror, it was a bloody ROACH! a bloody cockroach!
after much screaming and shaking of my arm, that hideous creepycrawly just scuttled away.
and i was feeling to dirty, disgruntled and horriblyhorribly pissed, i went to wash my arm and reply an email.
after venting my frustrations and horror encounter in an email, i thought, HEY maybe i'm ready to face that disgusting roach.
so armed with my old squash racket (just in case i squished it, my current one wouldn't get stained with roach juice), i started my quest in searching for that ugly.. thing with pokey legs.
i dug through old paper bags, under my bed and the possible nooks and crannies that the roach may hide in, BUT my effort was futile:(

so now, there's an awful creature lurking in the dark corners of my cluttered room. but a brave girl i am, so i shall sleep in my own room tonight and hope and pray that it will scuttle somewhere else as long as its path doesn't cross my face, arms, legs etc etc. or my sight.

and i can't believe i CONFESSED to swong.
about SO MANY THINGS!
argh.
you had better hush hush and MY TAGBOARD ISN'T WORKING.
how annoying is that.

the j2 farewell party is finally over and i do feel a tinge of pride at the way the squash team managed to see this through:)
with all the last minute preparation and constant badgering for food and the way peizhen tim and i spent four hours on the gifts, painting and spraying, i must say everything went rather smoothly today!
although i expected more food to be consumed.
looks like the notion of guys eating like starved pigs are wrong because the guys certainly didn't eat like starved pigs or anything remotely similar.
even the girls did a better job!
so now i've got a tray full of roast chicken in my fridge and cheryl with her kfc bucket full of spaghetti.

it just occurred to me, or hit me for a more accurate description, that terms are in one and a half weeks.
and i haven't started reading my econs although i did do three math tutes if that's any comfort.
gotta start.. soon.
and absorb it all real fast.

woke up at one this morning and realised tuition was in an hour! so i dragged myself outta bed and decided to make a new layout except my tv picture isn't coming out.

had a quick lunch and made sure i finished my food before two and waited and waited and.. waited.
apparantly both were late, except mich was 8 minutes late and the tutor HALF AN HOUR. which wasn't too bad really because while waiting mich and i had a pretty good time watching All Grown Up and comparing it to Rugrats.
tuition was normal except perhaps we were a wee bit distracted today, taking two to three breaks to fix drinks and food.

weather's been mighty scorching lately, which makes me awfully sleepy and lethargic. and the stairway to heaven soundtrack is playing in the background which makes me wanna cry, sleep and watch the serial all over again all at the same time.

which is a really lousy combination because i don't have the serial with me, and crying in broad daylight for no reason whatsoever is just retarded.
so i shall stick to my last option.
which is... sleep :)

my pocket hurts :(
that's all i can say.

and i remember i had something to blog about.
i just can't remember what.

productive days are very good days.
michelle rang my doorbell which doesn't work this morn at 9.45 waking me up from my sleep so she sat on my bed for 45 minutes before the tute came while i breathed my morning dragon breath on her.
she's fascinated by my closet.
and inequalities is very very tedious.

pw after at al's house, VERY PRODUCTIVE.
filled with cups of water and kitkats and strawberry maoams, it was very good very productive.
brave peaCHEE called up all those people and we emailed them a couple of questions that we ripped from their website so hopefully they'll reply ASAP and pw will be on its way :)

had thai food with my mother after. nicenice :)
and i hate bright sun.
on the drive home, it was shining directly into my eyes, making them hurt and water so damn bad.
grrr.

ohwell. pics from longagoago muki tan's birthday and the recent church bowling gala are up!
click here!

i think today (thursday) is one of those days where i didn't do anything particularly exciting but at the end of it, i feel very fulfilled and very very satisfied.
i know i already wrote about what i did, but thinking about what a great day i had, i just had to jot it down lest i forget in the near future.
about this fantastic day with not-so-fantastic moments.

plus, did i mention that i did my good deed for the day today? or yesterday?
while waiting for 92s at the bustop outside acjc, there was some old lady who really was quite blind cause she couldn't see bus numbers till the bus was practically at her foot so by the time she flagged it, it couldnt exactly see her, cause it was past her.
so anyway, she was waiting for 196 and since she couldn't see, i felt a surge of warmth in my heart and asked her to sit down and i'd tell her when her bus came.
so while waiting for her 196, three 92s came.
but i didn't really mind because it felt good helping someone.
so thats my good deed for the day :)

and my other good deed, if i could call it that, was accompanying fiona to holland v for fattening ice cream so she didn't have to walk out of becky's place all alone.
ok so i wasn't exactly being altruistic by walking fiona out, cause she had to beg and i did groan and whine about moving, but i'd like to think that's my second good deed for the day :)
fiona may beg to differ, BUT HEY, we walked you out!

i'm not really into this whole blog thanking business, unless someone's going away, but i'd really like to thank fiona and becky for being one of the greatest friends alive.
i know i'm annoying and stuff, but i like to think its cause i'm so comfortable with you guys.
anyway CHEERS to our friendship :)

MY MOTHER CAN'T SPELL DISEASED.
NEITHER CAN I.
she told me when i was young, disease was spelled as diesease, because i would DIE.
ARGH.
ohhhhright.
i need to learn to spell.
i publicly apologise to fiona for correcting her.
SORRY.

shrek 2 today with the team, pretty good i must say. one of the few movies i actually did enjoy this year. training after was held at THREE THIRTY which is quite an awful time really, because that's such a sleepy time.
timchan came to try out and kasster the HWACHONG BOY appeared at training. fresh blood?

i'm at becky's house now and the words are not coming to me.
and it doesn't help that garbage's 'stupid girl' is playing in the background.
i've decided the shoes aren't too bad.
this sounds vaguely stupid to me.
ok nevermind
i'll let becky GUEST BLOG!

hallo. this is becky. becky is bored. and pissed off. and bored. and RAWR. grumpy becky. I AM MIGHTY ANNOYED. maybe i should get a blog. then i can vent frustrations like these and bore everybody else. but come to think of it, i doubt i would have much to say, bland and docile person that i am.

ANYWAY. now i'm grumpy and i don't feel like saying anything else. fiona just said that i'm like a lamb! cool huh? i'm gentle and fluffy and sprightly. rarRARARararaRARARARRARARararaRARA. sounds boring. maybe i can be a carnivorous lamb. with funky shark-like teeth. then whenever people try to pet me, i can bite off their hands. now shumin says i'm a weirdo. that's not a nice thing to say about me. i'd rather be a lamb than a weirdo. although come to think of it, perhaps i'd be a weirdo of a lamb.

actually no. i thinks shumin's the weirdo. she just announced "let's play stroke the baby till it sleeps" and fiona gave her this really appalled look and went "who's the baby? YOU??" and shumin just kinda smirked seraphically at her and raised an eyebrow. kinda like an evil angel. now she's snuggling back into bed. ANYWAY fiona says that i've blogged enough.

bah actually i think blogging might be a good form of catharsis. i want a blog. beckythebeautiful.blogspot.com. heheheheheehehehehehehehehehe. ok now i'm getting hyper. bye bye

suddenly ocurred to me that i haven't been making much of an effort lately with friends and self-centred as this may sound, the possibility of me waking up one day at the brink of being utterly friendless doesn't seem too impossible.

and friends are an important part of life. the pillars of support, etc etc or to be perfectly graphic, the concrete round the steel pipes of the pillars. not very good imagery, but forgive me. my thoughts are incoherant and disjointed and there are a great deal of things i feel like saying, except they don't seem to have any sense of priority or propriety, because they aren't flowing out of me in any kind of order. meaning, well it's a mad rush inside.

so back to the whole friendship issue, i think it really is true when my parents say, the older you get, the fewer friends you have. i seem to be able to count my closest buddies off my ten fingers, or maybe less. seven fingers maybe? and i know that down the rocky road, this flippant ticking of fingers would perhaps be reduced to only one hand.

guilt-ridden, lonely, low self esteem, etc etc these are just the few words that are dangling at the top of my head.

guilty because in the future, or even right now, i don't think i've been the friend that i want to be. as much as i hate to admit it, i have harboured somewhat evil thoughts towards friends.
not evil as in the i-want-to-grab-a-knife-and-stab-you kind of evil, but a more subtle evil that just creeps into your consciousness and seeps into your pores, overtaking you little by little til you reach the point where you realise you have been having misgivings and hiding these little justified or not so justified thoughts towards friends.
and also, as they say, the spirit is willing but the body is weak.
everyone has these little desires or expectations of what they think they should be or want to be. but conceit, self-centredness and the cushiness in our comfort zone sets in, and we become just a wee bit lazy to move and make the extra effort.

and of course the word lonely hanging at the rungs of my head, pertaining to this whole issue of friends and friendship, is self-explanatory. no friends equals loneliness. and it is a mighty scary feeling. of course we've all experienced that dull ache of loneliness in little bits and pieces, and it's enough to make one cry buckets of tears, so i have no such desire to have utter loneliness engulf me.
and knowing that if i continue this laziness in friendships, i'll soon be one helluva lonely girl.

it really makes me wonder why are some people, me included, so lazy in friendships. i don't know why i can't bring myself to take that little extra step to perhaps make a phone call or basically to keep in touch and keep that friendship fresh.
is it because i don't think the friendship's worth keeping?
or i'm just sinking too far in my cushy seat to get on my feet to chase the drifting friendship.

i don't really know what i'm talking about and all that aside.. i lost my favourite pair of shorts.
i remember wearing them for pe on friday, the last day of school, and changing out of it, stuffing it into my bag. and there was the entire big hooha of getting a pink slip and i was suffering from a fever the next few days, and i have no idea what happened to it because it's not in my bag.
it's not in the wash, it's not in my wardrobe.
and it's pissing me off because its my FAVOURITE PAIR OF SHORTS!

and fiona and i went weird shopping hunting today.
and it wasn't our day. rain rain rain and more rain which means a zillion shops closed in the stupid flea market because no one's willing to do business in that awful rain!
and i got a pair of limited edition low dunks which everyone has told me looks gross, dieseased, not nice, etc etc except fiona says it kind of grows on you and it's the kind of shoe that looks better on than off and that i totally agree.
except everyone else's negative comments seem to be rubbing off me and the more i look at the shoe, the more deformed it looks.
but i tried it with jeans, it looks great.
it's just the issue of how it looks with the school uniform.
it looks.. strange.

and this is a very useless disjointed entry.
i shall go now.
GRRRRR.

okay new layout.
very very simple.
i attempted to make scrollbar text boxes but i just couldn't get my posts to come out properly.
can someone help please?
the link drop down bar was successful though :)
arghh being a major screw up with layouts lately.
my horrible host is horrible, til my pics don't come out and i'm simply not hightech or IT savvy enough.

at this point in time last year, i wonder if stella sat down and thought about how she could seduce all the sec4s to come to ACJC. during training, we were all thinking about the possible players that we could coax over, and sadly, we don't seem to have much persuasive power over the ACS(I) boys and things are unsteady over at the girls side.

at this point in time last year, i wasn't thinking about what school to go to, because we were in the midst of nationals, and plus, all i was really worried about was being able to get less than 18 points for prelims. but i must say, once nationals were over, and stella invited me and ta to go over to ACJC for training, i was rather happy, because i felt as though a school wanted me, and if i should get a nasty 18 points for prelims, at least i'd have a school to appeal to.

so now, i am thinking about how to coax this year's sec4s over. i can't say ACJC is the best school but i can't say it's the worst. i can't say it is perfect, but neither is it bad.
truthfully though, i must say i was utterly shocked at the tiny confined space we were given to train. a little put off, yes, at the unglamourous place the squash courts were situated.
WHY WHY WHY.
why weren't we given enough space to train and breathe, for one. and secondly, why did we have to share the space with the music hall and not the oh so glamourous sports complex?
but all that aside, i did eventually get used to it.

i digress here, because the point is not to describe how appalled i was at the training conditions. but really, will the sec4s feel the same shock that i felt when they see the tiny claustrophobic place?
when they realise they don't have two fancy glass courts, but only one?
and more importantly, how do i convince them that even though ACJC is 5th of 7th or whatever in the JC rankings, we really are not that bad a school and we're improving and we NEED them.

i'm just clinging on to the hope that mg, ac and sc will have strong enough ties to their coaches and school ties to want to come to ACJC.
even if they don't, i'm also hanging on to that shred of hope that they would feel as honoured and wanted as i felt, when stella invited me over to join them for training.

so to all the ac, mg and sc people, ACJC wants you and needs you.
would you come here please?

checked it with my teacher today and he said take the bible code with a pinch of salt, because who knows whether it is true or not?
and besides, if the bible is meant for us, why should there be a hidden code and such?
but anyway, faith in the word of God, the Holy Bible, and come what may, in God we trust :)

hans lunch with the hans lunch gang, freddy eddy and cass, was good as usual except we didn't have the breakfast set this time, but the lunch. topped with our usual order of kaya toast.
spent a good hour inside times sifting through books that provide you with really retarded information before heading for the bus so we could go for bowling gala.

and victors super bowl has MIGHTY EXPENSIVE SNACKS! i was appalled when i had to pay almost TWO bucks for a stupid bag of chips. ARGHHHH.
and my bowling skills aren't much to boast about either.
at least our group racked up enough points to come in 9th out of 20 for the bowling gala :)
thanks to freddy who managed to abide by those rules of splits and spares and also managed to rack up high scores for the team :)
HAAAH, me and cass contributed much too with our lucky pink ball.
and it was rather amusing watching eddy bowl because he has no sense of direction whatsoever and hurls the ball with his might so it actually bounces with a loud thud before rolling towards the pins.
but his strength has helped us with a couple of random lucky strikes.

anyway the new neighbours moved in today and their house is awfully bright.
can't wait for them to fix the curtains.

tomorrow is sunday and i hope i remember to ask rodney or yasmine about the Bible Code. was sitting inside borders, poring through the book yesterday and it has raised a couple of doubts in me.

okay just for you information, so you know what i'm talking about, the Bible Code is the bible in hebrew, where it is joined together in one continuous line, without any word breaks, so it appears like a code.
and it works like a crossword puzzle.
so some israeli scientist called Rips invented a computer program which managed to sort of decode it, except the entire thing can't seem to be decoded.
which means, when you look at the bible code, sometimes you can see the words, but sometimes you can't, just like a crossword puzzle, or more accurately, like word search.
so anyway, it seems hidden within the bible code, are real life events.
the gulf war, the collapse of the twin towers, clinton's election and affair with monica lewinsky, bush, etcetc are all coded in the bible code and it seems as though these warnings (as the writer likes to put it, because he doesn't believe they're predictions) are all coming true.
so it's coded within the bible code, that in 2006 there'll be the atomic holocaust, which is a nuclear World War III and coded with it are the words 'end of days', so it is believed that the world will end in 2006.

but as this writer likes to believe, it's a warning.
and he believes that its a warning that has been decoded now, so that we can avert it.
so after reading it, it has left me in a state of confusion, because i don't know what to believe.
so i'm just clinging on to the absolute, that God will always be there, and no matter what, He'll be there for me.

it's just that little niggling thought, that what if it is true?
and all the other trivial issues like how 2006 is just too near, and i'd never see my children and grand children before i die, and i may not even meet my husband before i die, etc etc.

anyway, don't listen to all my random rubbish, but i would recommend that you read it cause it is quite an eye-opener.
will just have to read the bible for answers and assurance and will have to check with my smallgroup leaders for some confirmation.

all that aside, i haven't been feeling too social of late. all i wanna do is stay at home and sleep and watch tv or bury myself in a good book.
i'm even too tired to go out to have lunch with my mother, and while i lie in bed, the thought of the chocolate digestive biscuits that i bought yesterday hover in my head.
so speaking of chocolate digestive biscuits, that is exactly what i wanna eat right now.

i really must get my hands on the harry potter books soon. i've watched the movies but i haven't read the books. sounds rather pathetic to me. so to dear becky who is reading this, thank youuuuuuu :)

and i've realised that training just isn't training when there aren't people around. Power to the People. in this case, power with the people, because they make the atmosphere.
a measly four of us at training today, just did not build any atmosphere whatsoever.
so like becky says, unity built from mutual suffering, DEAR SQUASHIES, hurry back to the training scene so we may suffer and toil together, and bust those stupid expensive balls together, and break those racket strings together :)

urgh feeling very retarded. much enjoyed harry potter, although becky wouldn't stop insisting how annoying i was during the movie just cause i kept guessing the ending. and fiona and becky wouldn't stop proclaiming how the movie didn't do the book justice so i really MUST get my hands on the books and decide for myself. although i do think my opinion will be somewhat twisted considering the effect of reading the book then watching the movie and watching the movie THEN reading the book is different.

today is just supremely retarded without being retarded but it just feels a little stilted to me.
i must say the best part of the entire day was harry potter.
oh and lunch at thai express.
lunches with becky are dangerous, because as the bad influences the bad, the weak influence the weak. and becky and i are mutually weak food wise, so i spent alot of money today on food.
and i didn't enjoy eternal sunshine of the spotless mind either.
but maybe i was half asleep too fully enjoy it.
URGH. today's just not my day and i don't know why.

joan's probably in currently sunny vancouver (assuming its summer, cause its june so it better be) while we're here in sunny singapore. at least the weather matches. although i don't see the point in all that.

and i really am gonna miss dear joan.
i think the realisation that no one's gonna share the whacko times with me at church and its gonna be hella lonely at camp hit me when joan was with her luggage and family at the airport. and when she went through the gates, it dawned at me that she was really leaving.

but for all the tears i've cried, its okay cause i guess me and joan had a great friendship i'll never forget.
and it isn't over too.
like my dad says, "now you can just say hey i've got a friend on the other side of a world."
so to all the missing-joaners, hey we've got a friend on the other side of the world:)
and THANK GOD FOR TECHNOLOGY!

oh right, almost one week of the hols have passed. half a week to be exact.
i'd better spend the other half wisely, thinking about what i wanna do with my hols. cause terms are straight after and i certainly do not want to bring home three Es for my mother to see.
especially since CAs are counted in the term reports, i had better work doubly hard.

ok i'm a little annoyed, i can't resize some of the cells and tables properly but ARGH whatever.
PISS ME OFF ONLY.

new layout :)
a little greyish but it went along with the theme and song.
You Belong to Me - Jason Wade
played around with my photo editor and modified the picture a little.
comments please, thank you :)

and at the rate i'm going, meaning sleeping and ruining my eyes in front of the comp and tv, i'm gonna get google eyed very soon.