ok i've decided to make my blog a little livelier.
so this is my window shopping list of favourites!
and because i was actually doing it on ngfl corp - for nice guys/girls only (have a looksee!), there's a list of nice clothing for guys too!
okay, evidently i was REALLY bored.

i like this dress!

but it is currently US$109.99 AFTER SALE. oh shoot me pls.
but its a nice dress.
i want to find a similar MUCH cheaper one.

i like this pair of shorts!

US$26.50
mm, not very worth it. but still its a nice pair of shorts :)

this is how damn cute. even though i'll never wear it.
like maybe once in a while.

SLEEPWEAR!
and its only US$9.99!!!

AND I LOVE THESE SHORTS!

my favourite colour too! GREEN! :)

i like these two tops.

actually, on closer inspection, i think i prefer the first one.

i quite like this. just not in white. okay actually white is quite nice:)


and i really really like this.

US$14.50 QUITE OKAY.
i actually put this top on my shopping list for my sister. i hope she remembers.

argh i really really like this too!

US$6.95! i should have put it on the shopping list for my sis.

and i like this skirt cos of the colour!

US$19.95
mm soso not too bad a price.

i like this skirt. eyelet lace. NICE!

US$39.90 TOO MUCH FOR MY POOR POCKETS.

and dont worry BOYYYS, i didn't forget about you! i even scouted some nice stuff! :)

nice polo! with khaki shorts and birkenstocks! hurhur hotness.


i think this is damn nice too!

there is one in a light green shade too. pretty nice.

THIS ONE! OMG. THIS ONE IS DAMN NICE.


patchwork shorts! nicee.


this jacket is quite nice!


shoes? mm these are quite nice. they have a pair in blue but i think black is nicer.

i just realised the colours are totally, absolutely rafflesian.
uhoh.

plaid flipflops! quite cool.


i love plaid shorts!


i think loafers are quite cool on a guy!


i really wish i was with my parents and sister in the states now.
singapore is getting supremely hot, humid and BORING.
nevermind, GREAT SINGAPORE SALE :)

do you know..

that i have wasted my entire day internet window shopping and sleeping?!
zZz.

i am apalled and upset by my ill-discipline :(

and my parents called this morning!
sounds as though they're having whale of a time.
and i quote this from my father, "It seems within the last three days we have seen more of seattle than jiejie has seen in her last three years."
hahaha!
that seriously cracked me up.
and i quote from my sister with a tinge of unhappiness,"Err, we haven't been shopping yet. We've been going around so much all i wanna do is sleep. Maybe when we come back from Ohio.."
that's like another one week!
i have a very bad feeling that the shopping list i drew out for my sister wouldn't be fulfilled :(
let's just pray for wrong hunches.

and also, do you know..

that the ZOOLYMPIX training time has been changed from 10 to 8.45am!
what kind of early, insane, unearthly time is that for zoo training!
and plus, our attire is jeans (think HOT!!! not the sexy kind, the i-am-sweating-profusely kind), white tshirt and covered shoes.
seriously, who wears jeans to the zoo?!
:(

whenever i think about rewinding time, i can't decide how far back i want to rewind it.
because both were wonderful in their own way, but it doesn't seem possible to have one with the other anymore.

and right now there are so many things that need repairing but then i don't really know how to repair them.
initially when the barrier of your pain seemed so great, nothing seems to be within reach.
but now that i've crossed that very first barrier and everything seems brighter and easier to fix, they don't seem to want to be fixed.

i really hope time repairs them all soon.
because no matter how strong i've grown and how content i've learnt to be, there'll always be a tiny hole in my life without it.

a leaky nose, dusty hands, a gazillion mosquito bites and an even messier room is a result of me FILING ALL MY NOTES.
all in preparation for hardcore studying this june!

i thought i was going to go crazy sorting out all my worksheets.
i have a mountain of loose math workings from 30 over math tutorials. so i have no idea which math tutorial they're meant to be attached to!
and after a while i got so supremely irritated with sorting out worksheets i began randomly chucking them into the bin and i think i got many gp ones in.
so now i really hope they don't call up our files for checking because i'll be missing tons of material!

and my room has been churning out issues and issues of newsweek and economist!
i never knew i had SOOO many magazines buried under my piles of work.
so now i have a tall neat stack of magazines, many of them unread and unopened.
i shall read them soon and educate myself.

and as a result of my frenzied packing and filing, it was quite a trip down memory lane!
i found my kindergarten picture!
and i also found a birthday note given to me in 2002 with very kindergarten-like crayon squiggles. that made my heart soften just a wee bit.
and a christmas card i'd half-written last year. reading whatever i'd written made my heart soften just a little wee bit more.
and another christmas card to me!
plus two sheets of animal square stickers!

so it's been a relatively productive day.
i filed all my notes.
plus, i had TUITION!
and i also read The Alchemist which i really quite enjoyed.
so tonight, i'd start revising a section of econs, do a math tutorial (?) and read the book i borrowed from jamie aeons ago but never got down to finishing it.

okay, rereading it, all that sounds just a tad bit ambitious.
i think i'll revise a section of econs, do a couple of questions of a math tutorial and read the book i borrowed from jamie.
that should sum it up nicely for the night :)

and having my grandmother around means i'm being fed really well.
which means i'll be expanding horizontally.
because my grandma cooks copious amounts of food and she's always dishing out a mountain of rice for me and dumping spoonful after spoonful of food on my plate and telling me to eat more, eat more and i don't have the heart to refuse.
so i just eat it all.
plus, she's a really good cook!
so in between those huge meals, i've been snacking on the goodies my mother stocked the pantry with to ensure i'm happy and full.
and full i have been!

nostalgia paid me a little visit the last two days and i wish i had all the answers but i'm learning to be satisfied within myself and what God has provided me :)
and sometimes i guess that's all i can really say.

"Heh.. I'll misss her, although honestlyshe's the sort that no matterrr how far she is she will always spare a thought for you so losing touch with someone like Stella is practically not possible. Hee
" - quoted from soozie :)

stella, i will really miss you when you're gone.
8 years of friendship and since those wee primary5/6 days you've always been like an older sister to me.
err, albeit a VERY noisy and childish-ACTING older sister (i say childish-ACTING cos you're not that childish just that you like to act childish).
and even through the secondary squash days you've always been watching out for me.
and i think i've genuinely come to appreciate you and the little things you've done for me ever since i came into jc.
and i really thank you for calling me on a particular day in 2005 during squash season asking me if i wanted you to pray for me.
you were God's way of bringing comfort to me, and it really really meant alot to me :)

i think i'd better cut down on my food intake.
thanks to my proclaimation a couple of days/weeks(?) ago about eating like a pig and continually losing weight, i thought it meant i could happily gorge all the food i wanted at any time and not put on weight.
anyway, i am suffering from the result of my wonky thought process.
like a blob of lard i feel, because i haven't been able to stop eating even when i'm terribly full :(

the weekend in point form :)

- lunch at hollandv coffeeclub with Jame Rage and Laura. i felt very very satisfied :)
- old school toy shop! i seriously love looking at toys for some reason.
- camelot with Laura Jame Rage Mich and Sue. much better than i'd expected. two thumbs up for ACSian theatre!
- dinner at Billy Bombers with Jame Mich Sue Lucas Turts Agus and his friend. CARBO OVERLOAD. everyone's cheese fries was everywhere and my burger was huge and terribly untasty. i finished it anyway.
- shopping :)
- sat at lido and yakked the night away. picnic and shirt plans! :)
- BORDERS. i seriously love that place. i wanted to buy everything.
- stayed over at mich's house with lesley. finally read Elizabeth's Secret Diary. elizabeth is a damn boring person. i was really bored. and lesley wouldn't sleep until two cos she was busy watching A Day in the Life of OC or something like that.

- took a bus down to botanic gardens for a picnic with yasmine. it was a super long bus ride and we went in by the wrong gate so we walked for half an hour in the scorching sun!
- ate chicken rice and bought expensive water and root beer for lunch. one cup of root beer costs $2.60 okay. daylight robbery.
- fell asleep on the picnic mat.
- sue picked me up and we went to the airport to send stella off.
- sue's mom sent Christine Val and i out of the airport and Val wouldn't stop admiring the car and poking at its functions.
- mrted home and FELL ASLEEEP.

ohwell everytime exams approach, my brain seems to search elsewhere for release and it's always towards making something.
so far, it's been friendship bands, sewing, origami, piano..
and now my brain is bursting with ideas and i really hope to start making them before i lose my zest.
so.. i hope to make a trip down to ikea soon to buy materials :)

and i really appreciate having my parents to send me around now!
it's a real chore everytime you go from one end of singapore to the other bussing or mrting and changing modes of transport.
it's only been a couple of days and i've been so tempted to just stick my hand out and hail a cab.
but i've been really lucky recently.
like on Friday, i wanted to take a cab home from sue's house.
but then sue's mom ended up sending me to the mrt which saved me many dollars.
and today i wanted to cab to Botanic Gardens, but lesley said take a bus (but in her heart she wanted to take a cab).
and i wanted to cab to the airport, but then sue's mom was able to pick me up.
and i wanted to cab back from the airport, but sue's mom was able to send me to a MUCH nearer mrt ie. newton (Changi to yck is no joke..) so i could get home in record time.
okay i realised many times its thanks to sue's mom. :)

and now that i've had a weekend of fun, i think it's time to start filing my notes and get down to STUDYING!!
:)
:)
:)

i think if i lived in sue's house, i'd be a very very fat girl.
her house is bursting with food and her maids cook such good food cos of her mother's fantastic recipes!

so today, it was eat eat eat nonstop for two hours.
there was salad and pasta and nasi lemak and chicken and wedges and samosas and sausages and fried rice and onion rings..
FOOD HEAVEN.
and i'm such a pasta freak.
i wouldn't stop eating it. and the samosas too. and the sausages.
and for dessert we had old school Arctic Roll which is seriously damn yummy.

i'm feeling hungry just thinking about all the food we ate.

anyway we had HALF DAY today!
deelightful :)
all thanks to rugby, netball and Odyssey of the Mind team.

and i've very bad affinity with cabs.
recently, every cab i get into (or get out of), i am sure to bang my head on the door or the ceiling.
the last time it happened i had a bruise on my forehead and it started to turn the slightest bit black!
oh, horrors.
so, new bump on my head today.

for the first time today, i was mauled by four dogs.
i like dogs, honest, but when you have four of them barking and yapping and licking your legs and pawing at you, it is dog nightmare.
and i was standing at the doorway yelping at all of them to save me because i couldn't walk and all of them happily sat on the dining table, laughing at me get attacked by sue's noisy (but cute) dogs.

i was quite miffed at the dogs for quite a while but then, they are really cute beyond belief.
especially the dumb one, muffin.
and nikki is SO FAT.
and pickles is brooding with jealousy. should hear her growl at muffins.
and apple is clever but indifferent.

and we watched Mermaid which is one of my favourite movies.
i love older movies. i can watch them over and over again but somehow none of the movies i've watched recently has the same effect on me.

so it was a very good day at sue's house, ending with our secret pact that strictly shall not be mentioned.

and today, my parents left for the states :(
i miss them dearly.

i hope they're having a good time :)

what can i say?
TOTAL OWNAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!

AC BOLEH!!

two thumbs up and many many cheers to the AC rugby team for winning back the title and owning RJ 23-0!!
:)

and also to the AC netball team for snagging the championship title from HC who has been winning for 8 years running!

was musing to myself on the way home after about how i've never gotten a gold medal in my life.
until now, i still really want to know what it's like holding the championship cup.
in my six years of squash i've only gotten bronzes and silvers and in my three different years as captain, i've never gotten to hold all three prizes: the championship cup, the team trophy and the individual trophy.

and during my years of squash, especially those in mgs, i am proud to say that although we were never good enough to win the gold, we performed to the best of our capabilities.
and in acjc, i knew we never maximised our potential, and there's plenty of room for improvement and regret.
but then, i think i can look back and smile at those six arduous years of squash and say i've learnt a whole load from being in squash and it's shaped me into who i am today.

anyway for today's rugby, mich and i snagged brilliant viewing spots!
even though we were late for the start of the game.
we were actually stuck behind three rows of people and couldn't see a thing, but then we spied this mini empty spot next to joshua he at PRIME area.
and the boys behind joshua he were so nice they let us move to the front!
so for the whole game we were right in front, cheering quite well and shaking rattlers.

speaking of the rattlers, my rattler was so lousy.
it broke three times!
and twice the stupid plastic bit flew out of the rattler onto the playing field!
so i had to hop over the the cord and retrieve it, and the marshals were giving me the evil eye.

and weikong came today :)
i felt so proud of ACJC, the team and weikong today when weikong went up with the team to receive their prizes and the championship cup in weikong's lap.

as you grow in Christ and in yourself, you start to realise the beauty in the way God works and how we are so insignificant sometimes compared to others.

in times where things seemed bleak for me, i felt like i was in the pits of despair and i questioned why did such terrible things happen to me.
but then as i've grown in Jesus and His ways and in myself as a person, He has opened the eyes of my heart.

we are so self-centred sometimes, thinking that our problems are the most important.
we keep thinking about how unhappy we are, how our lives could be better and how we want out of situations, circumstances and places.
simply because it is happening to us, that we think no one else knows what it feels.
we think that our problems are different from others. it becomes exclusive because we are feeling it that very instant.

however, we aren't that exclusive as we'd like to think we are.
everyone faces the same problems that we do.
everyone has had a painful heartbreak, everyone has experienced injury and death, everyone has been stuck in difficult situations.
and everyone learns to cope with it.

similarly, i've begun to realise that my problem isn't that major a problem.
because i was so upset, the problem seemed to huge that i couldn't move past it.
but then as Jesus opened the eyes of my heart, my problem has shrunk in size, i've begun to see the problems that others face.
i've also begun to see the beauty in how people face up to their problems and cope with it.
the beauty in God's perfect plan :)

problems are part and parcel of life and it doesn't help if we are self-absorbed and concentrate only on our problems and how unhappy we are.
lets count our blessings, because there is so much to be joyous about :)

so i'd just like to say that no matter how bleak things seem to be, they're put there to help us grow.
sometimes God puts us in places we do not want to be, but trust His heart.
and always remember that there's no problem too big that He cannot handle.
:)

"Have no fear of sudden disaster or of the ruin that overtakes the wicked, for the Lord will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being snared."

Proverbs 3:25-26

anyway THREE new albums are up!

for the long overdue squash camp in march click HERE!

for squash nationals in april, click HERE!

and for days out and cass's birthday in may click HERE!

cass's birthday went great :)
cass had a popiah party, inspired by suee, except i don't eat popiah.
i arrived starving with the glowing expectations of plenty of food and when i saw plates and plates of popiah ingredients, i knew i would go home a starving kid.
but thanks to potato salad, chicken wings, celerysticks, dip and INSTANT NOODLES, i went home feeling quite full.

had a really long talk with cel on the way home.
sometimes that's all i need, a medium to flush everything out.
whenever the toxic of the memory comes back to choke me up, i need to flush it all out again.

i've felt more liberated than i've felt in the last month.
but sometimes the cords of my memory and my heart chain me up again and i'm fighting with myself everyday, trying to loosen its hold on me.

i wonder if it is better to block it and shut the windows of my mind's eye or to constantly revisit it til one day i can fully let it go.
sometimes blocking seems ideal because i numb myself to it and i don't dwell.
but it catches up on me and i fall into the downhill ride of the emotional roller coaster.
but then yet whenever i revisit my memories, i find it hard to get myself out of it.

and if there is one thing i don't wanna do, it's to cocoon myself in delusion and end up licking my wounds.
because reality bites.

"You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me."
Psalm 23:4
Whenever I feel that Christ is near,
All cares and sorrows flee;
He is my strength, my hope, my life,
He's all in all to me.
- Lewis.

it's been a pretty good week, let me do a quick recap.

Friday
- free period was spent doing crazy things with Rage, Jame and Sue's lunch. oh yes and spongebob.
- i didn't finish Prince's essay! so so dead.
- had a good chat with Nigel who really opened my eyes
- FINALLY MET UP WITH LIZ, CHERYL AND STELLA! :) whenever i'm with them, i laugh so hard my stomach constricts and i think i'm gonna snort out water.

Saturday
- spoke to my sister over the phone for THREE HOURS! i miss her so so much :(
- watched The Jacket with Sue Rage Laura and Jame. it was really good.
- squash bbq at ting's house.
the boys were so nice, they did all the cooking the whole night and the girls didn't do a thing.
and tingwen is so cunning. she mixed drinks and put them in a cooler and me it was a softdrink mix and i kept telling her i could taste alcohol and she kept denying it.
so after three cups when i got all red and flushed, I KNEW IT.
played abit of mahjong and tried to teach some of them how to play it.
i'm very proud of my tutee fongchi! she gamed on her own after i taught her! :)
and the boys spent the whole night watching soccer.

and today was mass shopping day with the family after church.
i think shopping is bad.
i get such a high from shopping and i keep wanting to buy, but after i've bought it, when i'm home and i stare at my purchases, i ask myself DO I REALLY NEED/WANT THIS?
and i feel so so bad.

i think i'm writing progressively worse and worse.
and i miss my sister SOOOOO much.
i think it's funny how even though we're 5years apart we're so close.
and even when i was a wee primaryfiver my sister would confide in me and listen to my primaryfive advice.
and she really valued it.
and now that we're older and levelling up on maturity, i realised just how important she is to me.

i think my sister has a huge role in shaping who i am today.
she was the one who taught me how to be polite over the phone, how to eat noodles without biting the strands off and how to carry myself.
and she made me a stronger person through her weaknesses.
and she's always been there to comfort me and i've always tried to be there to comfort her.

and we always have fun bumming at home together watching tv and screaming at each other.
and how we'd always sleep in each other's rooms and talk til really late.
and we'd also rush in and out of each other's rooms trying on each other's clothes and creating different combinations and bemoaning how i'm so fat/she's so skinny.
and we'd cook supper for each other and go shopping together and fight over who washes the dishes.

for a while i really enjoyed the privacy when she went away, because i felt i could be my own person.
but then now, i really wish she was back.
because she's very much a part of who i am, despite us being so different, and i don't think i can imagine life without her.
ARGHHH.
i miss her like crap.

anyway HAPPY BIRTHDAY CASS!
we've been friends since primary school and you've been a friend of the truest kind :) we don't have to talk very often but whenever we do, there aren't any weird gaps and i can always tell you everything. even though you talk so loudly and shrilly and never let me touch your food, i still love you all the same <3

ONE MORE WEEK OF SCHOOL!
and my parents are leaving on friday for threeandahalf weeks.
i sure wish i could be there for my sister's graduation ceremony :(
and shopppppping.
speaking of which, i need to write out a list for my sister so she can get me stuff.

and.. prelims in TWO AND A HALF MONTHS!
i have a year and a half worth of math to squeeze into two and a half months.
i realised everytime exams are near, i have this fervent need to countdown.

and it begins.. 1st june.

oh yes, i forgot to add.
I HAVE BEEN CONDEMNED.
during e8 today we were doing a feminist drama and it needed an executive-like girl to play the executive woman in the play and the other was a housewife.

prince: now we need a housewife!
jamie/sue/mich: (whispering) shumin! shumin!
prince: the type who's goal in life is to take good loving care of her wonderful husband..
jamie: OMG! THAT'S SHUMIN! hurhur.
class: shumin! shumin!

prince: who are you?
me: err.. shumin.
prince: oh why, you do look like the housewife-ish type! come on now!
me: ...

just cause i was going around plaiting everyone's hair the day before doesn't mean i'm a housewife who's only goal is to take care of a husband!
i don't think i'm housewife-ish at all!
I CAN'T EVEN COOK OR CLEAN!

ok that was what i wanted to say to defend my cause.

i have beaten Mus's highest score by clinching 10,000+ points!
so Mus tried to beat my highest score and he came close with 8000+ points.
and Al, the absolute PipeWorks addict, came really close with 9000+ points!
okay, so that concludes PipeWorks game scores for the day :)

and i think this craze will die down really really soon because it's damn tedious to play and i think Al is very satisfied having beaten Mus's score.
so that means my phone's no.1fan would probably be a fan no longer.
and even I am getting suitably sick of PipeWorks.

and something really funny happened to me today at cubicleno.1!
but everyone says to save myself from embarrassment i shouldn't blog about it but it was damn funny and now thinking about it, i'm giggling to myself teehee.
and candice is a good fellow cubicleno.1combatant :)
me: okay, i'm gonna visit cubicleno.1
candice: OH WAIT! i must tell you! i saw the enemy!
me: HUHH?!
candice: (smugly) oh but i flushed it down heh heh.
me: good job ally! (patpat)

econs test was zZz.
like rage said aiya econs test was so bad until i feel happy! you know so bad until i'm hysterical!
haha, my fault really, because i DIDN'T REVISE MCQ!!!
so i didn't know how to do all the calculation questions and left them blank.
and when hashim said pens down i just randomly coloured in the boxes! ARGH.
and my essay was so short.
but i had alot to say for part (b)!
i hate it when i'm on a roll for an essay and i run out of time.

heh heh and my friends all think they are very insightful.
rage the biggest grump today saw the light.
rage: you know something? it is human nature to never be satisfied so that's why they complain. but it doesn't mean that they're not happy. even i do that sometimes
everybody: WHOAAA!

and jamie too, with her never-ending supply of weird analogies.
laura: what's the difference between dating but not being together and being together AND dating?
jamie: not being officially together is like going to the gym. and being officially together is like PE. you know, in a gym you exercise and work out, just like in PE. except during PE you must take attendance and wear proper attire. so basically in both you do the same things except one has certain rules.
like WTH?!
ha ha jamie never fails to amuse me with her accurate/not-so-accurate analogies sometimes.

and i know this is super random, but i love singing :)
even though i am very out of tune and my voice cracks.
today during lunch we were singing our old favourites!
new songs i must add to my ktvMUSTSING list.
ktv pals, we must ktv soon!

i'm feeling chirpier today.
i got an email from jo and even though she did splash cold water on my face, i do feel much better after reading it.
because she's right.
jo dearest, if you're reading this, i want to say thankyouu!

i remember jamie writing something in my organiser BE CAREFUL WITH WHAT YOU WISH FOR or something like that.
and thinking about it, i half wished for something (i didn't really mean it when i wished it and i said if off-hand) and now that i've sort of gotten it, it's not in the way i want it at all!
in fact, it's abit of a nightmare and something i really wish to avoid.
it's funny how what you really want you don't get sometimes, and the thing you least expect and DO NOT WANT you get.
it's abit frustrating really.

and it's a lonely thursday night tonight.
reminds me of thursday yoga nights when i'd lie around at home talk on the phone and watch tv and feel really content.
and today my parents are off at my uncle's and all i have for company is... MY E8 ESSAY!
okay, terribly out of point post.

and arts games tomorrow has been cancelled :(

i officially declare my phone the most popular phone in class heh heh :)
all thanks to PipeWorks which Al is absolutely addicted to.
and Mus decided to try playing it to see what it was all about and in just one sitting he beat MY highest score!
and Al's face was absolutely priceless when we told him ey Al! Mus beat my highest score!

Al is seriously damn funny.
especially now that polo season is over and he's not so zonked out, he's seriously damn funny.
like yesterday during gp, we were supposed to be writing and discussing essay outlines.
i wrote out the question on foolscap in a purple marker and in my boredom, i began outlining the letters.
and Al went hur, nice outline.
i was seriously so amused by his pun, i thought it was the Al line of the year!

and today during PCCG, Al was busy playing with my phone.
even after the bell rang and we were all packing up our stuff, he was still slouched over playing with my phone!
us: AL!
Al: ....
me: AL!!
Al:...
me: AL TIME TO GO! MY PHONE!
Al: wait man.. i'm playing the pipe game!
me: Al, walk and play.
Al: ...
me: Al, give me your stuff! WALK AND PLAY!

and then there was abit of a hoo-ha today during recesss and after school at the void deck.
and Al was being super funny.
Al: Zac, don't talk to ugly girl. Zaaaac, why are you talking to ugly girl.
all of us: SHHHH!!!!!!
Al: but she's ugly man.

and i finally did PE today!
i was so happy to get my limbs working.
even though it was raining and we had to make do with playing at Oldham Wing.
and while i was searching for badminton rackets in the PE room, a volleyball suddenly whacked me right on the head!
and neither Al nor Nigel would confess who was the one.
me: WHO WAS IT?! CONFESS NOW!
Al: *shifty eyes* not me man hahaha not me man!
Nigel: Shumin, it's obviously Al right!
me: no seriously, who was it, CONFESS!
Nigel: okay shumin, look at me in the eyes and shout angrily did you do it and then you do it to Al and we'll see who was the one.
me: okay. DID YOU DO IT?!
Nigel: *straightfaced* no.
me: (to Al) DID YOU DO IT?
Al: *straightfaced* no.
....
Al: *shiftyeyes*HAHAHAHAH!
must be Al.

so PE period was spent playing 'volleyball' at Oldham Wing over a whole bunch of blue mats where Al was practising 'diving' for the ball.
okay i just realised, i devoted FOUR paragraphs to how funny Al is, and that's abit much.
but Al is really damn funny haha.

and there's econs test tomorrow.
i don't feel the least bit good about it.
but i like econs.

it was a wonder how i was pmsey the whole day and then when econs period came, i suddenly felt alive again!

the wonder of economics :)

i am subconsciously stressed.
how do i know this?
because

1. i clock an average of about 4 hours of sleep every single night (not intentionally. i just wake up automatically after 4 with my heart thudding and me feeling all jittery)

2. i have been eating regularly, sometimes maybe even piggishly, but i keep losing weight.
from the end of last year, i have lost a grand total of 5kg.
it's getting abit freaky.

3. my hair is frizzing up.

4. i'm dropping hair.

but in the light of day, i don't feel stressed.
maybe sometimes; occasionally pinches of jitters, but i have no idea why.
maybe i do know.
but i rather not acknowledge it.

so anyway, all these troubles of the subconscious mind isn't exactly very peachy because i'm perpetually tired (but i can't get any sleep!) and i have a thinning ponytail.
:(

the losing weight part i don't exactly mind.
but the paradox of eating and losing weight is just.. freaking me out a little.

and just a little something about myself that dawned on me today.
to people very close to me, i don't dare let my defences down because i hate to let them see me cry.
because whatever tears i shed, in front of them, they pour out 10x more than with people i'm averagely close to and 10x more intense!
maybe it's cause they're so close to my heart, the moment i start to open up, my heart simply doesn't have the strength to hold up and i just bawl and bawl and bawl without saying anything.
and i hate to let them see me cry, because i know when i cry it hurts them too which ends up hurting me for hurting them : /
so i suffer DOUBLE hurt.

and i think that only happens with my family.
and maybe my closest friend.
i hate to let my defences down because i don't want to let them down.

i was just recalling something jamie said way back in february and i remembered blogging about it.
jamie said, "the whole world can be against me. but as long as my best friend is on my side, i know i'll be okay."
it just struck me today.
how i agreed with it wholeheartedly then, and now i still do.
except the only difference is, then, i felt like it would be okay forever.
but now, it's not.
forever is not a word people should use loosely.
when i say it, i really mean it.

anyway i feel like i'm constantly biding my time.
for what?
i do not know.
it's a terribly icky feeling which eats away at me.

i am currently a lump of clear confusion.
oxymoronic, because in my head, everything is clear.
but circumstances make everything murky and i have no idea what is going on.

i am paranoid.
but i rather be paranoid than be in denial because when the truth dawns on you, it will just punch you in the stomach and leave you reeling in your tears.
i rather not deal with that.

but paranoia doesn't seem any better.

i am aching in my subconscious mind and my subconscious heart.

:(

yesterday was quite a SuperbSaturday.
i think we should explore different places in Singapore instead of always heading to town.
yesterday i felt like a tourist in Chinatown.
but nevermind, on my way to becoming an Educated Singaporean!
two thumbs up for Singapore! :)

the streets of Chinatown


cooling coconuts in sunnysingapore weather!


roaming them streets with lesley and mich


and lunch at Cafe Cartel with Mich Les and Candice was very good!
except Cartel sofachairs are terribly unstable and many times i almost tipped the whole sofa over.
and i consumed so much carbs i thought i was going to explode and fall asleep (because it made me very sleepy).

lunch at cafecartel. my cubicleno1combatant candicekangguomin :)


and i don't understand how Candice was tempted to eat a sandwich when she's surrounded by sandwiches every single day!
the AAgirls bring sandwiches to school every. single. day.
at first looking at all their yummy sandwiches made me crave them so i brought my own for like.. two days.
and then i got abit sick of it.
because smelling them and craving them is one thing, eating them every single day is another.
but then the AAgirls all have fantastically yummy looking sandwiches especially mich's and laura's.
and jamie's and sue's ALWAYS has a fried egg in it which makes me feel abit sick.

went for BRMC's youth mountain last night and it was pretty good.
nothing very applicable right at the moment, but it broadened my horizons quite abit.

took a cab home and in the midst of the thunder, lightning and impending rain, thoughts that i normally try to shut away and stifle seemed to pour over me.
i seem to lapse in and out of different states of minds and it makes me disoriented.
everything seems to be in discordance and in my different states of minds, different thoughts and results surface and when i try and put two and two together i can't.
ohwell.

you know what i really really want.
i really really want a peaceful, quality, good, night's sleep.
it's something i haven't had in a while.

"Consider it pure joy whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything."
James 1:2-4

last night, i woke up thinking that it was 5 something am and waited for my alarm clock to ring at 6.
but then, i waited.. and waited.. and waited!
and so i picked up my phone to check the time and it was 4am!
i seriously almost died.
so i spent three arduous hours awake and thinking ludicrous thoughts that ought to be shot.

and school today was pretty good despite me feeling distinctly grumpy almost during the entire academic day.
especially during econs when the aircon decided to freeze up the whole room and i couldn't stop shivering!
even with mich's dirty ratty sweater on the entire day, i still felt cold after standing in the stuffy sun.

but i cheered up somewhat during gp when nigel decided to show off his computer art skills under the pretext of cheering me up.
and after that he very conveniently put up the picture as the desktop's wallpaper.
i warned him repeatedly, nigel, delete it before gp okay!
and when the gp bell rang i reminded him again and he just shut the computer down!

i think today is the most exercise i've done in a while.
played squash today with mich rage nigel al mus ewen benwai rens zach and jae.
nigel is my worthiest opponent.
he took one set off me and by the second set i was seriously zapped of breath, in desperate need for water.

and then later on, zach and i made a dash across the road (i'm scared of jaywalking, but today i jayran) followed by a dash for the bus and it was quite funny to see zach waving both my squash rackets trying to flag the bus down.
and we had quite a nice little chat so that was pretty nice :)

and it was awfully nice meeting up with jae today.

oh yes, i must mention how i've gotten everyone (ok not everyone, only Al) hooked onto my cellphone game!
i was playing it during math and soozie kept screeching at me to be an interactive seatbuddy and stop playing with my phone.
and after that nobody wanted to be my seatbuddy cos they said i was so uninteractive, only interacting with my phone.
and i offered to teach them the game cos it's just so darn addictive.
and after i taught al, he wouldn't stop hogging my phone.

and on the busride home today (oh yes, i must mention that i got lost cos i was too busy playing my game), i was just thinking about some things.
and even though one big thing tripped me up, i suddenly took a pause to look at the other aspects of my life and i realised just how blessed i am.
i've got a great family, we're really close now and i've learnt to understand my parents so much better.
schoolwork isn't going badly (except math) and i'm quite happy with the way my academics are going.
i've got really great friends who i know will be there for me and have stuck by me.
so thinking about it, i'm feeling really blessed now
and even though something like that tripped me up and it got me so down because it felt like i'd lost such a big part of my life, i've taken a step back, shrunk the importance of what i've lost and its made me realise just how blessed i really am :)

and there's nothing God won't heal :)

after a couple of hours in panic mode, i am happy to say
I FOUND MY ANTONY AND CLEOPATRA!

it was hidden behind stacks and stacks of books which i didn't pack.
which means someone packed it for me and stashed it with my other books.
i strictly keep schoolbooks and normalbooks separate!

today we were so bored during the second half of econs lect that we ended up evaluating ourselves and each other.
and the list of words jame and sue came up with to describe me aren't particular flattering :(
different
quaint
queer
loopy
mature/adult
frazzled
like, omg, seriously.
and jame said i'm more of an adult than a kid.
i felt so.. hmm. old.

so we ended up talking about our emotional disposition and jame's a ziploc bag, sue's clingwrap, mich is a brownpaperbag, rage is steelwool and i'm a sponge.
and we also discussed jamie's paradoxical nature, because it's truly unsettling how she's so warm but yet so cold at the same time.
and i ended up having a paradox within me too which is that i am so childish but yet so adult.

and sue was telling us about how shaun said the five AA1girls are like the five AA3boys.
sue is like agus because they're so long and tall.
and rage is like leslie because they're the smallest.
and jame is like lucas because they're so white.
and mich is like turts because they're both the mother/father figure of the group, steady and dependable.
and i'm like shaun because we're sporty and retarded.

okay, evidently we were very bored coming up with such queer evaluation lists.

i realised everytime something big trips me up, i have this fervent need to evaluate myself, to find affirmation in myself.
maybe its cause i let my emotional skin be exposed and someone sluiced through it, so now i'm trying to build back my emotional skin and cover it up with my outer skin.
hence the words, 'thick-skinned'.

sometimes i fervently hold on to what i've heard in the past, near past.
words to assure me that it is still okay.
but then yet all around me, the actions and words i see contradict what i've heard before.
and i wonder if hearts and feelings change so easily.
and i wonder if there are some things that won't change at all.
and i wonder if things change like a boomerang. it throws itself out but it comes back again.
and i wonder how did things turn for the worst so fast.

and that's all i can do.
sit and wonder.

because nothing is giving me any concrete answers.

the worst thing that could happen to any english student has happened to me!
omgomg.

i
lost
my
bloody
antony
and
cleopatra.

and that's all i can think about.
my notes, my precious precious ANNOTATIONS, how i'm gonna get a new book, copy out all those bloody notes.. arrrrrgh.
how am i going to do my e4 essay now?! :(

arrrrgh.

stupid antony and bloody cleopatra, where are youuu? :(

i just realised it happened exactly one month ago and for some reason i was a little bemused and amused.
bittersweet humour, i call it.

time passed a lot quicker than i thought, but yet i want it to pass quicker.

and thinking about it, i retract whatever i said about adopting jamie's outlook on things.
because it occured to me today that adopting someone's outlook, trying to be somebody else, forcing certain things on yourself, is an added burden.
perhaps it relieves things for a moment because you're stepping into the shoes of someone else, forcing yourself to live a life out of your own because yours gets too hard to bear, but then it catches up on you.
and the strain of your own problems plus the added pressure of living someone else's builds up.

i realised you don't have to try and adopt someone's outlook to make yourself feel better.
but rather, through understanding yourself, understanding God and trusting Him, and changing your own perception through yourself, makes it easier to cope day by day.

although it's hard to put into practice, it's something we have to look into ourselves to find.
to discover little fragments of peace and hope and strength within us every single day.

today my parents and i were discussing lyon's death and my mother said, remember shumin, God will never close all the doors for you. When He closes one door, He'll leave another open for you. it's hard to play the waiting game, but you just have to trust.
then she started singing trust and obey, for there's no other way, to be happy in Jesus, is to trust and obey.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ."
Philippians 4:6-7

there are many things we don't understand.
but then, the bottom line is that there's someone bigger out there who knows it all, and relying on that trust, we'll be all right :)

even though the waiting game is hard, and things don't seem too bright sometimes, there's always God to deliver us through it.
it's a lot like a father-child relationship.
we think we know our situation better than our dad does because we're living it.
and sometimes we ask our fathers for things and they don't give it to us and we get angry and we fight them.
and through all that fighting it creates tension for ourselves, for our fathers and it strains the relationship.
but then, usually, if you trust your father, he may end up giving it to you, or we grow to understand that it isn't good for us.

sometimes God seems so big and invisible and mythic that we set ourselves apart from Him.
we draw the line and put the distance saying you're God and i'm Me.
we find it hard to trust and sometimes even to believe that He exists.
but then when God draws closer and we put ourselves in a father-child relationship with Him, situations and ways of dealing with our faith seem much easier and God seems so much more real.
because the closer we are to Him, the more real He becomes.
similarly with our earthly fathers.
when we're not close to them, we immediately put them up in a classification of authority and fail to see them as father and friend.

anyway, today i had my first tuition lesson in a month!
felt strange to suddenly be in close proximity to the tutor again.
but then, i felt a sudden familiarity with math once again :)

mich and i have come to the conclusion that your personality changes with circumstances.
within a year, mich and i have seen the changes within our personalities.
also attributing it to our current circumstances.

and she has also concluded that out of the five aa1girls, i'm the only genuinely warm one and everyone else is just a tad bit cold and all of a sudden i felt abit alienated.
but then i have lauuuura :)

and all the aagirls have decided kids' names are VERY IMPORTANT!
hopefully nobody will follow hk's trend or singapore will be full of people with names like
ferragamo tan
armani chan
ferrari lim
and err.. ohwell you get the idea.

ohwell, i know this is damn random.
but..
today i had the worst hairday of my life.
i woke up to a .. broom.
and i think i should stop eating so much.

i feel permanently bloated.

so now season has really, really ended!
and i've a whole bunch of really good memories to pocket i suppose :)

ACJC SQUASH GIRLS '05


six years of squash has finally gone, and maybe i'll pick my racket up again in the future.

was standing on the top deck of our NL with Sue, Mich and Jame today watching the rain and talking about the series of unfortunate events that seem to have hit ACJC this year.
somehow seeing this all around, i feel forcibly evicted out of my comfort zone.
2005 hasn't been a cushy year, but then, i guess everything happens for a reason.

and stoning during math lect is actually getting quite nice.
with Soozie or Jamie's (my favourite ipodder!) ipod, a book and a little nap here and there.

and i've been quite proud of my sandwiches lately!
i'm just wondering how long it'll take for me to get sick of them.
which, knowing myself, won't take very long hurhur.

and today's free period was a throwback to the j1 days when we hung out with the AD people complete with derek's jacking of jamie and his explosive shit story.
rachyap to derek: DEREK, YOU SHIT STIRRER!
me: hahahahahaha!

after school, when all the geogers were busy mugging for geogtest and it was just jamie and i, we sat down at the void deck and had a little heart to heart.
adopting jamie's outlook on things seems to be much healthier, albeit a little simplistic.
and it's much easier said than done.

we agreed that sometimes the future seems to hold so many possibilities but the present just gets so hard to bear.
like jamie put it you see a damn nice building in front of you. but then you look all around you and its full of shit. and you think to get to that building you must wade through all that shit.
ha ha, certainly not poetic, but i think she hit the nail on the head.

anyway i guess today was filled with shit.
i realised i know many shit stories and jame has many shit analogies.
oh dear, what wonderful lit students we are..

blogger has screwed up my dates.
it was meant to say Sunday 8 May, not Saturday 7 May so yes, MOTHERS DAY IS TODAY.

quite a good sunday although i've been lapsing in and out of happyhigh and the doldrums within the last 4 hours.
one moment, i'm feeling very happy and sane and the next i suddenly feel melancholy and this process repeats itself on an average of half-hours lasting a couple of minutes each time.

must be the lack of sleep.

last night i came home really late, showered, and stayed up to fold paperhearts for my mother.
sister: (very seriously) mummy, when i come back and have found a job, i'll pay you rent for staying at home ok?
mother: okay, that would be about $800 inclusive of meals.
sister: oh.. okay.
mother: oh, and plus my pocket money. $500? in total that would be $1300.
sister: huh? that doesn't leave me with much money for myself! err.. HAPPY MOTHERS DAY JOKE MUMMY!

and i've been consumed my econs lately.
everything i link to econs.
i'm not even aware of it, it just pops into my mind straight away!
like today.

mother: you know, NTUC vegetables are so much cheaper than those you get in the wet market!
me: (automatically) economies of scale.

mother to my father: can't you tell she (my aunt) has been spending more? because she has a payrise!
me: higher marginal propensity to consume.

and i wasn't even feeling gleeful and proud for remembering it, it just came out of my mouth!
so after that, i was feeling half horrified and half proud of myself.

and i think i've reached the point where shallow thoughts seem to make me feel much better.
i used to enjoy thinking hard and sorting through chunks and chunks of tangled thoughts and opinions.
but now, they make me feel sick.
and tired.
and heavy.

you know, listening to chicago always makes me feel better, even though sometimes their lyrics are plain heartbreaking.
it affects me in a different way.
when i listened to rainbowconnection all over again that day, thinking it'd cheer me up, i just felt like shit.
so i listened to chicago, thinking it would make me feel like shit, but it made me feel all better.
anyway, that was just a very random thought.

and my parents will be gone in 19 days.
i am feeling very very unhappy about it :(

joan: eyy, you never update your blog anymore! i'll mail you soon k? tell me when ur coming back!
to the blank on my tag: i got it from the states.

it's the weekend again, hoorayhooray.

on friday night, to my horror, i discovered that the prices of movie tickets have been increased to - omgomg - $9.50!!!
daylight robbery, like seriously.

but anyway, kingdom of heaven was quite good albeit confusing.
except before the movie, i asked jlo what was it about and he told me with a very very straight face that it was about a prince who tries to rescue a princess from a dragon.
and being sceptical me, i said, "are you sure?!"
and with the same straight face that jlo always wears, he said, "yah seriously!"
simplified version or something, so being gullible me, i believed.
and when issues about Christianity, fanatics, Muslims, knights and whatever complicated stuff came out, i wanted to punch myself for believing jlo!

and the boys played a great game on friday, i'm really really proud of them.
even though they didn't win, but they played really well despite the bad line up.
so good job boys!!
:)

acjc vs raffles, victor in ACTION!

and today (ok technically its saturday even though its past midnight) i am pleased as punch because
1. i had a great day
2. i didn't spend a single cent

i did my econs mcq and read my notes in the morning and even managed to add in some pianokeys-bashing, which i haven't done in aeons.
then i went to meet the girls which makes the saturday a very good saturday :)

jame and soozie had to leave for jia's party so mich laura and i did some window/shopping.
i feel so proud of myself because i didn't buy anything!
even though i did reserve one top that i like alot but i still have time to decide if i wanna buy it which i think i.. will/willnot.


us waiting for mich and laura's eyebrow appointment

and dearest laura bought so many things!
i think shopping has to be one of the most stress-relieving, exhilarating activities.
dinner again was at good ol' hans with laura and rens.


thankyou rens for buying me dinner :)


then laura and i had a long talk the whole night and it was really nice and put many things into perspective.
laura, i really think you've grown up damn alot and you're one of the nicest girls i've ever met and ME LOVE YOU <3 :)

so sunday will be devoted to church and work and my dearest mother.
before i forget, since it's sunday.
HAPPY MOTHERS' DAY!
to my mother: you've been a fantastic mother, and although i know you don't read this, i just want to say you've been more than a mother to me. you're like a friend, a confidant, and i'm really glad that you're always there to pick me up and guide me through my mistakes. even though you always shout at me and i always shout at you, i know we love each other very much!

i hate giggling at the computer all by yourself because you look like an idiot.
and soozie's blog just made me do that.
ARGH ARGH ARGH!

anyway i realised i forgot to blog about other things, hence the second entry.
i've decided.
who cares if i blog multiple times a day!
it just means i've too much time and too many words to waste :)

okay actually, all i wanted to say was that the stupid daddy dj, please take me to the party song has been stuck in my head all day thanks to.. laura who introduced it to my head two days ago.

and candice is such a trusty loopy pal.
she makes me feel all happy being loopylucy. :)

okay, this is so damn random.
now, i feel very very silly.

and i know i had more important things to blog about, but after reading dear soozie's blog and giggling to myself like an idiot, i clean forgot!
shucks sooz, you're such a cheer-upper :)

i am glad to find out that my emo-ness has a biological justification.
at least i know i won't be emo permanently; and THAT alone gives me a reason to cheer up.

i took pe today for the first time in a long while and even though we played boy-dominated captain's ball i felt really happy just to be err.. playing.
i feel like i haven't played in a longest time.

i think the whole point of playing sports is to have fun.
and lately i hadn't found it any fun playing sports simply because other things seemed more important and that took the fun out of my game.
but now, i think i can kick back, relax and play.

which is why i suddenly feel like playing badminton, pingpong, softball, tennis, floorball and golf.
and hmm, maybe squash.

i reckon it's time to let God get my life back into order.
our lives inevitably rearrange themselves around uncontrollable events and crumble in the midst of the reshuffling.
and all we see are the strange foreign walls that events has constructed for us, and we feel scared, sad and dreadfully lonely.
but then, so what?
we can't rearrange events, but we know with the help of God we can rearrange our lives again.
i've fallen down many times, but God has picked me up everytime.

i think it's amazing how He works within people's lives.
someone once said to me that God is merely a higher being for weaker people who need comfort, and in times of desperation the only thing higher than medicine or anything else is God, so at the point between life and death, people seek God because they feel they are left with nothing else.
and also someone has said to me that everyone has their own god, so why is my God the god that people should believe in.
with everyone believing strongly in their own god, i guess some turn to themselves because it's the only real tangible.
and it's always easier to sit on the fence and survey the pros and cons and decide later on.

i was thinking about weikong's father's testimony.
he said that at the point where weikong's life was in danger, friends and strangers to him came to pray for weikong and his family.
and he'd asked himself, if so many people believe in weikong's God, maybe i should pray to weikong's God to see if He can help weikong.
and after going to church, God very helpfully put people in his life to help him when he had questions but didn't dare ask.
they taught him how to pray and when he prayed several times, God started to become real to him.

we lean so much on what we can see, but shy away from what we cannot.
but sometimes, it's the experience you have to experience for yourself to find out.
everyone can tell you their miraculous story, everyone can express their feelings with God, but you'll never know til you experience it yourself.

and it's difficult because how do we know we God really is when we cannot see him?
i've had people ask me, how do you hear God, and sometimes i can't hear Him myself.
and when i do, i can't explain it coherently.
and today i was reading an article and perhaps it'll help with your understanding of a relationship with God :)

click
HERE! to read it.
this website has some pretty good articles and would probably answer alot of questions which i cannot answer.
i encourage you to take a look at it! :)

been feeling waaaaay emo.

anyway last game of the season, last game of my 6year squash experience, it ended quite allright.
maybe not the way i'd expected or hoped, but i had a pretty good game today.

my father has a way of making things seem smaller and easier to handle and i was feeling quite optimistic talking to him.
i think he's a great father and husband.
even though abit too straight sometimes.
but still great nonetheless.

and the AAgirls are a great comfort.

and i have nothing much else to say.

emo-ness taking over.

i think blogging is MAJOR CATHARSIS.
i have these strange urges to blog a million times a day because of a sudden rush of random thoughts.
but then, on the other hand, i hate longgggg blog posts (which is what i tend to do teehee) which has no point or structure (which is ALSO what i tend to do heh).
so, all i can say now is
ARRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

i spent the better part of the morning singing in front of my computer.
that too is major catharsis.
dan ni gu dan ni hui xiang qi shui?
it's one of those queer sad songs which make you happy singing it.

and i feel so extremely FAT.
last night was another terrible food-filled night.
i was full to the brim but i just couldn't stop putting the spoon in my mouth.
after a sumptious dinner at House of Peranakan with the family where i had two plates of rice and nonya food, i went over to becky's and had shuling's lasagne, sarah chan's lovely trifle cake and two servings of izzy's VERY YUMMY birthday cake.

take a look at sarah chan's yummy trifle cake! how could i resist..


yesterday, cass said something terribly insulting to candice and i.
me: what is the first word you'd think of when you think of me then? (because we were discussing how caring isn't the first word you'd think of when you think of me, according to cass, pfft!)
cass: LOOPY!!
me: ?! LOOPY?! what is the first word you'd think of when you think of candice then?
cass: DEFINITELY LOOPY! both of you are the loopiest people i know.

i don't particularly fancy being known as loopy :/
that's equivalent to me being mad and childish and psychotically mad.

so to bring our loopy selves to full fruition, candice and i spent our night over the synthesizer, churning out beats and playing the keyboard along with it.
and taking our usual ugly photos.

although they do not compare to those ugly ones in candice's and my phone, they were pretty damn ugly.

so the plan for today's mayday holiday is to..

1. START/FINISH E1/E4 ESSAY! preferably both, but i know my limits.
2. FINISH ECONS MCQ. this is a must.

everything else can take care of itself.

If recollecting were forgetting,
Then I remember not.
And if forgetting, recollecting,
How near I had forgot.
And if to miss, were merry,
And to mourn, were gay
How very blithe the fingers,
that gathered this, Today!

- Emily Dickinson

anyway for photos click HERE!

it's a rainy sunday today and i'm feeling the slightest bit melancholy and very very guilty.

because
1. i spend/shop too much.
2. i eat too much.

yesterday i couldn't stop myself from eating whatever was in sight even though i was full.
and shopping with jamie is liberating but BURNS MY POCKETS!
because jamie is no.1 quick shopper.
she goes aiya i don't feel like trying it on, this should be my size okay i'll get it!
and no matter the price, jamie goes oh it's quite okay, get it! today is hardcore shopping day! you must treat yourself!
mm, okay so i listened.
and bought a pair of shorts, a top, underwear and earrings.
and today, cass wanted to go mini shopping. so i ended up buying a top which I DO NOT NEED.
my pockets and heart is feeling the pangs of regret :(

and money has been floating away.
on another lousy movie: Man Thing.
it's freaky, has no real plot, and the love scenes come at the most out of point moments.

but that is not the point of my saturday.
the point is that i got to spend time with the AAgirls and rens :)
and tonight will be spent with my family and a gathering at becky's.
so double :) :)

even though the present gets hard to bear at times and i wish for time to zip by, the only way to deal with things is to deal with the present.
i've been stepping in and out of the window of my life, reviewing it and living it, and letting my emotions ride the tide.
seesawing from okay to not okay gets hard to deal with sometimes.
because it feels so good to feel okay, to know i've been liberated.
but then just a moment later, my heart gets terribly heavy, and i find it hard to breathe.

i think the worst feeling is to be burdened with a heavy heart, but not feel sad enough to cry.
everything feels loaded and strapped to my chest and i'm feeling awfully low, but yet the tears won't come.

nowadays tears don't come easily and neither do words.
i feel alot like a filter.
a dozen things to say, but those that cross your lips have the real intended meanings stripped away.
and i really don't like it.
i don't like holding back, especially not when it means so much.

it's terribly unliberating when some things feel so right but yet so wrong.
maybe all the right ingredients are there, but it's the wrong place, the wrong time.
it's like polar opposites at work against each other.
just like two magnets.
maybe the only way to break the repelling force is for you to turn your back on it.
just like magnets.
turn your back and let the natural forces follow.
but do things really work that way all the time?

so much for nothing, but nothing means so much.