I sealed all my belongings into musty cardboard boxes and heaved them into Chris' garage today with the help of David and Chris and two cars. How I managed to accumulate so much stuff in two short years amazes me. I need a physical symbolic fresh start for 2008 and I've decided that it is going to start with a massive spring clean. I will throw out every single sheet of paper that I do not need, not collect an entire cardboard box full of paper/plastic bags, and give away old clothes to the Salvation Army. I need to stop thinking that old things will come in useful someday and hoard them.

I know it's a little early, but I wonder what 2008 will be like. I'm moving into a new place next year and for someone who has lived in the same house all her life in Singapore and the same unit for 3 out of 4 semesters in Brisbane, an event like moving into a new house has repercussions of epic proportions. I've conceded a long time ago that change is everywhere, but I still like home to remain the same. At least amidst the struggle to cope with amphibolic changes, there's somewhere I can turn to with stable dynamics.

I don't like growing up. I wish I was naturally mature and grown up instead of wobbling through the close of teenagehood on a tide of tumultuous emotion that I really ought to learn to control.


Little by little
One step at a time
He's changing our hearts and renewing our minds
Teaching us how to be
Patient and kind
Little by little
One step at a time

Yup :)

I am so sad I am so sad I am so sad :( And I can't stop thinking about it.

I have internet at last! Although I think the lack of it has thrown me into virtual amnesia because I have forgotten how to blog. It's a strange feeling to have the keyboard beneath my fingertips and have no stream of words bubbling out because I always have something to write about. Okay, so I figured a plethora of photos would suffice.

Since exams ended I have:

Eaten dinner with the girls (and Taiki who is now in Japan)















Eaten at this fab indian restaurant at West End! They served the rice in little metal buckets and the butter chicken was one of the best I've ever had. It was so good I had to text Michelle straightaway who's the northern indian food queen.















Eaten at Serengeti (again... again)



















Played with Brian, the super cute three year old who May's mum babysits. He's only three and can speak English, Mando and Canto. He's adorable to boot.















Attended Chikky's 21st. Happy 21st Chikky! His relatives are really good cooks. I think I spent most of time wandering to and from my seat to the buffet table.






























Thrown a combined birthday party with May which took three to four days of stressful last minute preparation. We slaved over the party decorations. This is my favourite of them all. You can't really see it but we pegged up Happy Birthday alphabets using silver pegs and strung them across the ceiling.













THE FOOD WHICH WE SLAVED OVER!














Hee, and what's a birthday party without a picture of the two birthday girls :)













And we went bowling where my team came in last every single time. And I striked a very unglamorous and pitiful score of 36 and 48. Hahaha.















On top of all that, I have seen May and Lisa and their Mum over a span of seven days. I have also cooked a meal, gone to sing karaoke and packed. My entire apartment is a mass of half-packed suitcases and boxes with clothes, books and trinkets strewn everywhere. Singapore in four days!

I think I write too many words. It's becoming almost superfluous. And I think people have stopped bothering to read my blog which doesn't bother me too much unless you're my good friend. As my good friend, you ought to be reading every word and trawling through the webs of my mind through this blog because you love me! And cos I love you :)

Anyway this spate of exams have been spitting out unprecedented papers which almost threw me off my chair. Multi-choice questions with nine(!!) options, the glaring lack of an NPV question, and perhaps many more which are bereft of me right now. But I know He's always watching over me! Plus, exams are over and it's put me in a suitably chipper mood.

I wish I was a bit more coherent right now because it feels like I'm blogging on the last remnents of energy left bubbling in me. I'm quite ready to pass out. I will update about post-exams properly (with pictures too!) when I'm more awake and when I am using my own internet.

Speaking of which, I STILL HAVE NO INTERNET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! okkkkk, I am ready to go home and sleep. Goodnight.

Every time I blog, it's testament to how I physically have access to the internet; pure, unadulterated access to the world wide web where everything is just a click away! Albeit I am limited to only 150mb because I'm using my UQ internet quota, internet access is still internet access so I'm happy.

I'm meant to be slaving away at uni, but my care factor is teetering at dangerously low levels now, seeing that I'm on the home stretch. I've spent the last hour furtively clicking through ieatishootipost, salivating over pictures of cheap, hawker food which I will taste very soon! And I was very touched and encouraged by one particular post about an ex-convict turned chef (click here!) whose life was turned around by Jesus. Pray that by His grace, I'll pass my driving test and will be able to drive myself to Simei in Singapore to try this chef's dishes :)

There are so many things I want to do and places I want to visit in my three months in Singapore. Some things I've already mapped out in black and white, but some are still shapeless thoughts in my head and by His providence and guidance, I hope that it can be carried out. I really dislike carrying such heady expectation before flying back to Singapore because I'm almost always disappointed in the end. But every trip back to Singapore has been a learning journey for me, to learn to put my confidence in Him because God is unchanging, unlike the ways of men. And to learn to hold fast and hope in His word despite the changes of this wavering world.

Okaaay, I feel abit sick cos I've eaten an entire pizza and haven't moved from my seat in close to four hours. And I can't stop listening to whimsical oldies. I'm slow dancing in the perfumed night by an old blinking traffic light (read: The Notebook) with a faceless man. Ha ha. Okkkk, time to get back to study!

I wish I was into baking. It looks like the kind of domestic-goddess, therapeutic activity which I'd want to have. Drooling over Kim Sam Soon's and food blogs' thoughtfully arranged confections and cakes have won me over in my mind. Now it just takes some internal effort and sheer boredom to drive me over to the supermarket and buy myself an assortment of baking ingredients and tools. Which I won't in the next three days because I still have exams :(

I think it's the icing that's toppled me over into baking wonder. I am very easily conned by good packaging. And icing sitting daintily atop a cupcake in pretty pastel hues is exactly the kind of packaging that would send me over to the supermarket in an attempt to reproduce edible beauty. OKKKKK, if I have time and money after exams I will give baking a try.

Anyway, time to flee because I'm not actually using my own internet. The internet in my house has died into a single weak blinking signal which renders all three of us virtually crippled. So, okay, bye! I just wanted to let you know that I'm alive and blogging.

I am existing on a very unhealthy diet of chocolate-coated Tiny Teddies, potato chips, takeout and every existing kind of instant food possible. I have learnt to transform Campbell's Chunky instant soup into a filling meal by adding boiled pasta or steamed rice, so I can say somewhat reassuringly that I had pasta or 'risotto' and not feel completely unhealthy. I have also learnt to boil a very tasty chicken and vegetable soup in ten minutes with the help of David's secret ingredient, and eaten with rice or noodles also makes a relatively substantive 'home-cooked' meal.

On the upside, God answers prayer! I haven't done a speck of work in the last three days, am not even halfway through my revision, and the pinches of stress weren't tweaking my neck at all. I spent the last three days being stressed about not being stressed which is such a silly thing to be stressed about because I can practically feel all that useful time draining out of my life. Last night, I repented about my lack of fruitfulness, and asked God to help me be a good steward of His time and to compel me to be motivated! And today, I was counting the days to my first two exams and the amount of space I would have in between to study for my other two exams, and for the first time this entire swotvac, I felt worried. Right down to the bone that I didn't even take my requisite after-lunch nap.

Okay, so now it's back to inter-governmental immunities........ (:

Photos because I've said too many words over the past two days.
And the photos are huge cos blogger's photo upload doesn't seem to be working for me so I snitched all these off facebook. Ohwell, BIGGER IS BETTER :)

From Ruth's birthday:

Happy Birthday Ruth!


Party people. Chris is taking the photo


Girls


HAHA Ruth's surprise guests


Hello Kitty seat covers! Chris' face is priceless



And these photos are stolen off Iggy! YF's Super Mega Bible-Study Group Battle. I came home that night with battle scars and what not.

Why You Touch My Back?! My favourite game :)


Band-aid's priceless drawing


Jamesy about to limbo


Pingpong.


HAHA and I posted this photo up only because Meishan's expression is hilarious! Heeheehee


These photos are really, really huge. I'm not used to it.

I know I had a bad dream last night but I can't quite recall what it was about. I woke up disoriented and surreal, like I'd been dropped out of a dream, quite literally. And I had to wake up for my early morning driving lesson which went almost as well as a hurtling truck. I managed to almost drive us over an island and down a No Entry lane, jerked several times while changing lanes and missed giving way to the right three times. The only good part about today was me doing a perfect three-point turn.

I was so tired the whole time, fatigue crawling into my eyes, hands, head, everywhere. And he kept telling me to do this, do that, brake more, MORE, HARDER, berating me constantly. It was quite frightening because it was an uncanny throwback to my 15 year old self when my parents would do the same, grating over every single thing, and I could feel my chest burning and brimming over with a flurry of frustration that made me want to rebelliously shut down and not care or simply do everything wrong.

I haven't felt that way in years, but I felt it today. Irritation and frustration welling up everywhere, wanting to slam a brake on everything and lock myself up in my head. But it wasn't really physically or even mentally and socially possible at that point because it was a driving lesson and the more he came down on me, the faster my thoughts ran and flowed like I was talking to an invisible audience and I kept praying Oh God, please help me drive properly and take my anger away!

I was never so glad to see my driving lesson end. Which is really something cos I normally enjoy my driving lessons. I couldn't help thinking of my father's words to me, about how some mistakes we can't afford to make because of irrevocable repercussions, about how he knew me and I was that type of person and if I didn't try to correct it, it would spill over in all my aspects of my life. And as my father, if he didn't teach me, he'd be failing in his job as my father.

I couldn't help thinking of it because as I drove, I could see that type of person in me scattered in bits and pieces everywhere. Like how I never brake enough or brake harder earlier because I like to test my boundaries to see how far I can go. Like how I tend to miss the little details which end up making a difference. Like how, I think it's okay, mistakes happen, but no, it's never fully okay because today I felt like such a road hazard, I couldn't wait to get off it.

Just got me thinking about how back-breaking and nerve-wracking it must be having kids, especially when they go through phases. Like the hormonal disruption of pubescence and struggle to find one's identity and place in an insecure world. How hard it must be to be a parent: to discipline and teach them while giving them their freedom and love. I wasn't the best kid in the world and I thank God for His grace, for blessing me with parents who always tried to balance it out the best they could and for slowly changing my bad and wilful temper. It may seem far off, but I truly pray that God will help prepare me to be a godly wife and mother, teaching and guiding and loving my kids in His wisdom and His love. Because right now, there is still so much to learn, so much to apply, and I want to grow and start building my house on the firm foundation!

And whyyyyyyyyyy on earth I talk so much during exams and choke up this blog with all this thought and talk is beyond me. Okay, I really need to take a nap before I tackle the books. Byeee.

I've spent the last two hours reading a blog that brought tears to my eyes because someone so lost, so broken, has been living in my life for the last sixteen years and I never did anything about it. It's so easy to wrap yourself up in your comfort zone, arranging and rearranging the little things in your life with the people you want to be around with, forgetting about those in the fringes because deceit has deluded you into thinking that it takes too much time and effort to venture your way to them, or even to pray for them. And that's what I've been like. And I've been praying to God that He will change me, stepping out in faith to pray more for others, asking God to supply me with love for others through His love for me.

I don't really know what to do now other than pray. I don't want my heart to splinter now for a fraction and then fix itself up over night, forgetting about the people who need Jesus.

Someone said that he heard them talking about the little things in their lives, and he didn't like their arrogance, but he envied them. And that's like me. I've been arrogant. I've joyously proclaimed His goodness, I've fervently asked Jesus to change me to be more like Him, but for what? His Spirit has shown me that subconsciously, I've been doing it for me. So I could feel better about myself. So I could say, I'm becoming a better, stronger, more mature Christian.

I was reading Matthew 7:24-27 today:
"Therefore, everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on a rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash."

For a long time now, He has been urging me to pray more, more, more for other people and I struggled a lot with doing it from the heart rather than out of obligation. I've been reading His word and praying, but not doing anything about it. I've been like the man who built his house on sand; hearing Jesus' word but not putting it into practice. How many times have I prayed to God to ask Him to help me love others more? And how many times have I hardened my heart after, made myself blind to see and deaf to hear the people who need Him? How many times have we been like that, centering Christianity around us (change me, help me, give me, bless me, me, me, ME), when the chief end is to glorify God by being obedient to His will. (I'm not saying that changing us to be more like Christ and blessing us is not part of His will, it's just that we are self-centred creatures and sometimes start shifting the focus to us, rather than God)

And it says in
1 John 5:2
"This is how we know that we love the children of God: by loving God and carrying out His commands."

And He has commanded us in 1 John 4:11-12
"Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and His love is made complete in us."

1 Corinthians 13:1
"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal."

This is one of His commandments: to love others because He first loved us! And lately, God has been thrusting all these people in front of me, forcing my spiritual eyes open, and softening my heart to ache for them. And while I'm doing so, I'm itching to do something, but yet I don't know what to do right now except to pray and ask for the power of His Holy Spirit to draw them to Him, to continue to help me to love others, and to give me His wisdom and guidance in what I say and what I do.